Title: Driving With Mr. Snape

Author: Ivory Tower

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters. I own my sorry ass.

Over the next several weeks the Hogwarts Professors greatly improved their driving skills...somewhat. McGonagall now drove at a whopping 29 miles per hour.

"Thirty is tempting fate," she sternly informed anyone who questioned her choice of driving speed.

Flitwick, on the otherhand, had used a plethera of complex charms to beef up the engine of the Volkeswagon Beetle. He easily went from 9 to 110 in .5 seconds.

Most of the professors ranged right at or a little above average on their driving test. We won't get into that escapade here because it's a story in itself. Let it suffice to say that Trelawney only passed because she steered right clear of the house elves.

Snape had hardly recovered from the nightmare of an obstacle course he'd driven through to obtain a legal wizarding drivers license when he was slapped with an official instructers permit. That same day the students began to take on sinister aspects that had been previously ignored, or expertly hidden.

The worst was Neville Longbottom. Snape's legs threatened to give out whenever the boy looked in Snape's general direction. Merciful Merlin! Severus *knew* he would end up dead if he rode in the same car with Longbottom. Several times Snape found himself silently praying to the diety of muggle automotives to spare him such a terrifying death. He did not want to die with Longbottom.

Even Severus's practical mind refused to drive away his fears. Logic stated that each Head of House would teach his or her house members to drive, thus ruling out Longbottom from Snape's agenda. But Albus Dumbledore rarely followed logic, and this meant the odds were not in Snape's favor.

The day of reckoning arrived, and Snape started the day resembling a criminal sentenced to the dementor's kiss at dusk. With leaden feet, Severus went to the Head Table and sat in stony silence. He would rather have the Weasley twins take his life in their hands. Why oh why did fate deign to torment him in this ruthless fashion? Heart in his throat, Snape picked up the parchment that appeared on his empty plate. This felt worse than the time he'd just knew he had failed Arithmancy his fourth year.

"Severus, are you feeling well?" Lupin eyed the Potions Master uneasily.

Snape sighed, closed his eyes, opened them, and opened the parchment to reveal his fate. At first, he swiftly scanned the list of students, ready to explode the moment the name "Neville Longbottom" met his black eyes. Calmer, Snape studied the list again to make sure. Again. No Longbottom. Again. Still no Longbottom.

Remus Lupin swore that 10 years instantly vanished from Snape's face when, at last, Snape folded the parchment shut, and picked up his goblet. Lupin was distracted by Trelawney's overdramatic gasp when she informed everyone she had already known who she would be instructing, and the list only served to prove how right she had been.

The student tables were a mixture of groans and happy vocalizations.

"Cool! We got Flitwick," chorused the Weasley twins.

"Not bad at all. I've got Lupin," announced Ron cheerfully, "What about you, Harry?"

"McGonagall."

Hermione looked devastated. "I have Snape. He'll fail me before I even get into the car!"

Ginny Weasley was on the verge of tears. "I have Snape too! I can't drive when people yell at me. I can't drive with *Snape* watching me!"

Ron and Harry tried their best to console the unlucky girls, but hey, better the girls than them.

"Aw come on, Ginny, male instructers are always easier on the female students,"said Ron.

"Ron! This is Snape we're talking about. Snape is not a normal man," Hermione informed him.

The Professors took students 4 at a time as that seemed safest. Snape's bad mood returned when he realized that not only would he be stuck in the car with a Weasley and Miss-Know-It-All, Pansy Parkinson was the only Slytherin in his group. The all-too-familiar sight of that atrocious blue box made Severus want to vomit. He *hated* that car.

"Hurry up," he snapped. "Mr. Creevey, kindly put away that camera before I deduct an additional five points from Gryffindor. Miss Parkinson, do the honors. The rest of you," Snape glowered at the three Gryffindors, "get in the back. Now."

Hermione pursed her lips tightly as she and the two younger Gryffindors scrambled into the back.

"Wait'll dad sees that wizard cars are just like muggle cars," exclaimed Colin, taking a few snapshots of the drab interior.

"Creevey! Another five points from Gryffindor. Now, Miss Parkinson, see if you can show these Gryffindors a thing or two."

Pansy didn't appear as confident in her abilities as Snape. She buckled her seatbelt, and successfully started the car. Ginny pulled out a package of gum and offered some to Colin and Hermione.

"Miss Weasley, no gum chewing in this car."

"But sir," piped up Colin, "it's for our stomachs. We get carsick awfully easy."

"Yes, we do," agreed Hermione.

"Then give Miss Parkinson a piece."

Ginny frowned but complied. Pansy popped the gum in her mouth, put the car in gear, and they shot off backwards. Ginny screamed. Hermione and Snape yelled for Pansy to break, but she was so stunned her foot remained glued on the accelerator. Snape used his wand to apply the brakes.

"Whoa! Colin was the only one unphased by the incident.

"Sorry." Pansy sounded angry at herself, but looked determined to do it right.

"Miss Parkinson, you were given the basics along with the other students. Longbottom couldn't have done it any worse than you." Snape was absolutely disgusted at Pansy for making a fool of him. His insult must have really hit home because Pansy shifted the lever to "drive" and floored it again, this time looking more sure of herself.

"Slow down," yelled Snape and Hermione.

"Faster! This is fun," shouted Colin.

"Miss Parkinson, you have passed the halfway mark. Go back."

Smacking her gum, Pansy swerved and did a major U-turn that rammed both Ginny and Colin against Hermione. Even Snape had to grip the seat to prop himself upright as an antagonizing screech filled the air.

"Stop the car! Stop the car this instant, Miss Parkinson," ordered Snape.

Pansy stopped at the starting point and blew a small bubble with her gum, looking quite pleased with herself.

"Get in the back," said Snape hoarsely. "Miss Granger, you are next. Hurry up."

Much to Snape's annoyance, Hermione did everything she was supposed to: lock the door, buckle your seatbelt, check the mirror... By the time Hermione shifted into "drive" Snape was in a very foul mood.

"Speed up, Miss Granger," he snapped.

"But sir, I don't feel comf-."

"I told you to speed up, Miss Granger. I can walk faster than you are driving." Hermione increased her speed by two miles per hour. Snape deducted five more points from Gryffindor for that one. "McGonagall drives faster than you," Snape informed her. Pansy laughed at this remark.

"You weren't so great yourself," Hermione told her.

"Shut up, Granger! I can drive much better than you."

"Yes, in reverse."

"Quit arguing right now," barked Snape. "Both of you are horrible drivers. Damn Dumbledore's rediculus Muggle Studies!" Everyone gasped. Snape's brow furrowed. "If any of you repeat what I just said, you shall instantly be failed. Do I make myself quite clear?"

"Yes, Professor," they replied in synchronization.

"Miss Weasley, you are next if Miss Granger ever gets us back to the starting point."

Unfortunately, Hermione did not take the hint, and the car putted along at an unbelievably slow pace. Flitwick's beetle easily passed them, Fred Weasley at the wheel.

"Go Hermione go," he shouted.

Potter, Snape was pleased to see, tended to veer to the right-no doubt due to the old breaks, but still, he was far from a perfect driver.

"Let's go, Miss Weasley," said Snape as Ginny and Hermione traded spots.

Ginny's mind blanked, and Snape's evil stare was not helping.

"What are you waiting for, Miss Weasley?"

"I forgot what I'm supposed to do!" Ginny sounded absolutely terrified.

"It's alright Ginny," said Hermione. "Just-."

"Miss Granger, I am instructing this course, not you. Use your head if at all possible, Miss Weasley. In order to set the car into motion you need to do what, Miss Weasley?"

Ginny brightened. "Turn it on!" She turned the key the wrong way at first but finally started the car.

"Ten points from Gryffindor, Miss Weasley. Five for failing to buckle your seatbelt, and another five for not having your foot on the brake."

"But she's not backing out."

"Be quiet, Creevey. Now then, Miss Weasley, I want you to proceed to the halfway mark at thirty-five miles per hour. No more. No less. And keep the car perfectly straight."

Poor Ginny looked both flustered and confused. She nervously eyed the gear shift, cringing beneath Snape's evil gaze.

"Muggle cars do not read minds, Miss Weasley, and do not stamp on the accelerator like Miss Parkinson did."

Ginny tapped the accelerator and they went forward. Appearently this was too much for Ginny because she slammed on the brake.

"Keep going, Miss Weasley. Move. Now."

They drove and stopped. Veered. Stopped. Coasted. Stopped.

"Apply that brake once more and I shall deduct a hundred points from Gryffindor. The car won't bite you, Miss Weasley."

Severus swore he heard someone murmer "Snape might".

"Go for it, Ginny," urged Colin.

Ginny went from zero to fifty, then she turned the wheel too sharply to the right.

"Look out for that car," shrieked Hermione and Pansy.

"We're going to die," announced Colin, throwing his arms up as far as the car would allow.

Fortunately, Snape's reflexes were good as he whipped out his wand to apply the brakes. Ginny screamed. The car screeched. The car in peril, containing Malfoy and some Ravenclaws, promptly shot backwards. Their instructer, Trelawney, yelled, "Whatever are you doing, Mr. Malfoy? The halfway mark is the other way."

"I'm saving our lives," Malfoy told her, then shouted at Professor Lupin's car, "Weasley, your sister's psychotic!"

"Bugger off, Malfoy!"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Ginny repeatedly told everyone.

"Can't you drive n a simple straight line?"

"Shut up, Pansy, you can't even tell the difference between forward and backward."

"You drive like an old lady, Granger."

"Shut UP back there," roared Snape. "Mr. Creevey, drive us back and then our lesson will be *over* for today. I hate all muggles everywhere and you can tell the Headmaster I said that!"

"All right!" Colin positively beamed as he hurried into the drivers seat.

Unfortunately, there was a slight complication that none of them had forseen. Colin was so small his feet wouldn't touch the pedals. Pansy snickered. To get things moving, Snape performed a spell so that the pedals rose high enough to touch Colin's feet.

"Sir, could you get a picture of me to send to my dad?"

"This is not a holiday, Creevey. Now hurry up before I lose what little temper I have left."

"Yes sir!"

Off Colin shot, swerving slightly and rapidly gaining speed.

"And they're off! Creevey leading the pack! He's almost at the finish-!"

"Creevey, slow down right now! This is not a race. You kids are all insane!"

"But sir-I'm winning! Don't you want to-?"

Snape flung his clipboard onto the floor.

"Professor, are you alright," inquired Pansy Parkinson cautiously.

"Creevey, stop the car."

Most reluctantly, Colin did so. All four students stared at Snape curiously.

"We are finished," spat Snape, glaring at them. "Furthermore, I intend to go straight to the Headmaster, and inform him that all of you are a detriment to muggle society, although that might not be a bad thing. Whichever confounded muggle invented these horrid contraptions deserves-."

"Sir, it was H-."

"I don't care who it was, Miss Granger! I curse the day automobiles were invented!"

With that, Snape snatched the keys out of the ignition, got out of the car, and stormed towards the castle with that Snapish stalk of his.

The four students exchanged quizzical looks.

"I didn't think I drove that badly."

"It was all Weasley's fault!"

"You scared Snape too. He said that Longb-!"

"Everyone drove too fast, but me."

"I guess Professor Snape isn't the racing type."

"What do you think he'll tell Dumbledore?"

"Oh no! Do you think Dumbledore will fail us?"

A few days later...

Colin darted from the bulletin board towards Draco and Pansy.

"Hey Pansy, guess what? Next week we're going out driving in muggle neighborhoods!"

Nearby, Ginny and Hermione exchanged worried expressions. Snape in a muggle neighborhood while they drove?

"Oh dear...," said Hermione.

Next Chapter: Will the merry group survive their driving excursion into muggle territory? Will Snape retain his sanity?