Part IV: Fun with Transportation

"We can't walk the whole way…" Zim muttered to himself as he watched Gir wrap the gifts they'd gotten in toilet paper and bacon. "And there's no way I'm going on that horrid BUS again… Hrm…"

"HITCHHIKE!" Gir cried, forgetting his wrapping and launching himself at Zim's head. "LET'S HITCHHIKE!"

"Hitchhike…? What is this.. 'hitchhike'? Computer!"

"Yes, Sir!" came the obedient reply from… the ceiling.

"Computer, define 'hitchhike.'"

"Processing… PROCESSING!!! … Hitchhike: to travel by securing free rides from passing vehicles."

Zim scratched his chin. "You're telling me this involves getting into the automobiles of strangers and having them transport you to the desired location…?"

Gir grinned, his tongue hanging out of his mouth, and nodded. "Uh-huh!"

"… No."

Gir's grin was replaced by an equally cute pout. "Awww…"

"But how are we going to get there…? We can't take the Voot Cruiser…"

"I know, I know!" Gir was all smiles again. "Car pool!"

Zim frowned. "Computer, define 'car pool.'"

The computer beeped loudly and made some kinda annoying whirry noise. "Car pool: an arrangement in which a group of people commute together by car."

"That might work… But who do we know that has a normal Earth-vehicle?"

"What about Dib?" Gir suggested. "He has a big head."

"The Dib-human?! NEVER! Never would the AMAZING ZIM ride with a COMMON EARTH STINKMONKEY!!!"

"But.. but… His head!"

"No, Gir. No car pool."

"Aw man…"

* * *

"Come, ON, Dib! We're gonna be late!" Gaz demanded, glaring at her brother as he fiddled with the VCR.

"Yes, son, it's very unprofessional to be late," commented Professor Membrane.

"It's only a CHRISTMAS PARTY! And I'm almost done. There's no way I'm leaving without the VCR set to record 'Mysterious Mysteries.' Tonight they're doing a special on elves!" Dib got to his feet and joined his sister and father at the door.

"All right, everyone out to the car now," Membrane instructed as he opened the door.

Dib blinked as he peered outside. There was a green skinned, pompadour-ed kid with a dog on his doorstep. "YOU!"

"Yes, yes, it is I! The amazing ZIM!" the kid replied.

"What do you want, alien dirtbag?!"

"I request permission to ride with you to Kris's house." Zim's fists were clenched at his sides to keep him from reaching out and strangling the large-headed boy.

"HA! No wa-"

"Son, it's not very polite to call your little foreign friend a dirtbag," Membrane interrupted before shifting his gaze to Zim. "Of course you can ride with us."

Zim flashed Dib a triumphant grin as he followed Gaz into the Professor's car, taking a seat in the back while Gaz took the front passenger seat, a sack of gifts in her lap and her new GS 3¼ in her hands.

Dib climbed into the back as well, the only thing separating him from Zim being Gir in his little green doggy suit.

"CHICKEN!" the poorly disguised android exclaimed, giggling. "I'm gonna eat you!"

"Gir! Shh!" the even more poorly disguised alien whispered frantically, but Professor Membrane was talking to some of his lab assistants through a tiny microphone and Gaz was busy with the newest installment of "Vampire Piggy Hunter."

There was a small roar as the car came to life, and then they were off.

"You can't keep up this pathetic façade for much longer, Zim," Dib sneered. "I've almost got enough evidence to expose you for what you truly are! You'll be locked up and observed for a while, then they'll throw you on the autopsy table. I'll be a hero! Dib, Savior of the World! The one who stopped the alien invasion!"

"You're bluffing," Zim replied with much more conviction than he felt.

"Maybe I am." Dib crossed his arms smugly over his chest. "And maybe I'm not."

Zim bit his bottom lip and turned to look out the window, which turned out to be a bad idea. He immediately turned back, a hand over his mouth as the nausea began to rise to the top of his stomach and into his throat.

"So Irkens can get motion sickness, eh?" Dib snickered.

Zim snatched the little plastic penguin Gir was playing with and threw it at Dib's head, his eye twitching. "Shut up."

"Hey!" Dib exclaimed.

"My penguin!" Gir cried, quickly reclaiming it as it ricocheted off Dib's head.

The three heard a low, feral growl from the front seat.

"All of you, shut up. Your noise is distracting me," Gaz commanded.

And that pretty much killed any thoughts of conversation for the remainder of the ride.

* * *

Nny glanced up at the clock. 4:48. Time to leave. Perfect timing too; he'd just finished wrapping all the gifts and putting his festive-ie decorations in a large box.

He laid the gifts gently on top of the decorations, even thought he didn't really think they would break, and got to his feet.

"Well, I'm going now. I'll be back sometime later," he called to the doughboys and what remained of Nailbunny, who hadn't spoken in a while.

"NO! Johnny, wait!"

Nny turned to see D-Boy.

"You can't go!" called the depressing styrofoam display. "Those people will only ridicule you! Call you names, make fun of the way you dress! Stay here and do something constructive, like killing yourself!"

"Leave him alone!" called Mr. Eff. "Let the boy have his fun! Go on, Johnny! This party will be the perfect place for some nice, unadulterated murder!"

Nny glared at the two doughboys. "No. I'm not staying here and killing myself, and no, I'm not going to the party to kill people. I'm going to be more careful this time… I'm going to give these people a chance to be my friends."

And with that, Johnny walked out, closing the door behind him.

"Let's see…" he said to himself as he fished around in his pockets for his keys. "There we go."

With keys in hand, he climbed into the old, beat-up blue car he'd had for who knows how long, set his box in the passenger seat, and started the engine.

"Tonight… Tonight will be a good night," he told himself sternly. "It will."

He pressed down on the gas pedal and was off, cruising at a moderate speed through the neighborhood. After all, it'd been a while since he'd driven and he needed to get used to it again.

After about ten minutes, now in the neighborhood next-door, he spotted two figures standing on the side of the road next to a stationary car, trying to flag down a ride.

It can't be… he thought as he peered through the windshield. Can it…?

As he got closer, he definitely recognized the two hitchhikers.

And as luck would have it, one of them was turned the other way.

* * *

"Yay! Here we go! *Squeeeeek!*" Tenna said cheerily as she pulled out of the apartment complex's parking lot.

"I can't believe you talked me into this…" Devi grumbled, folding her arms crossly over her chest.

"It'll be fun! There'll be presents, and egg nog, and… presents!"

"Please… shut up and drive before I hurl myself out the window."

"Gee, you're no fun."

So Tenna drove in silence.

… For about three minutes.

"Look, a squirrel! Isn't it cute, Spooky! *Squeek!* and that other squirrel! *Squeeeek!!* And *THUMP* … Oops, sorry squirrel."

"Nngh… Are we there yet?" Devi inquired.

"Ummm… Nope! But- *BANG!* *Tsssss…* *Clikik* Um…"

"… Tenna, what was that?"

"Well, um... I think the radiator just busted."

"… Fuck."

The two climbed out of the car and Tenna popped the hood to check things out.

"Mmmyep, busted radiator."

"How would you know, anyway?" Devi asked her friend.

"Well, er… Just look at it. SOMETHIN' is busted. Might as well be the radiator."

"… So, what now?"

"We get to HITCHHIKE!"

Devi stared at her insane friend. "No. NO. I am NOT hitchhiking. No way."

"Sure you are!" Tenna said.

"Ugh…" Devi turned to survey their surroundings. They weren't that far from Kris's house, but it was still too much to walk, and there wasn't a bus stop anywhere close.

"HEEEEY! Stop!" Tenna yelled as a white convertible drove by. "Come back! Grr…"

Devi shook her head. "This is ludicrous…"

Tenna waved her arms around in the air as another car approached. "STOOOOOP!"

The car slowed to a standstill on the side of the road and Tenna opened the back door and shoved a surprised Devi inside before grabbing their presents and climbing into the front passenger seat (after handing a the large box that was there to the driver).

"Thanks, mister! We're goin' to Kris's house! Gee, do you know who Kris is? 'Cause, well, her last name kinda escapes me right now," Tenna babbled.

The driver just stared at her.

"Heeey, you look familiar."

Devi reoriented herself enough to shoot a glare at Tenna, then glanced at the driver and feared she would have a stroke. "JOHNNY!"

"Um… Hi, Devi," Johnny greeted quietly.

Devi pressed her back up against the right side of the car, panicking. "Tenna, what the hell were you thinking?!" She fumbled behind her for the door handle.

"Devi, please, wait a minute," Nny said pleadingly. "I'm not going to hurt you…"

"You expect me to trust you?! After what you did to me?!"

"Devi, please… Listen to me. I'm different now, I've changed. I promise I won't hurt you! Just let me drive you to Kris's and I'll stay away from you for the entire party, okay?"

"YOU'RE going to the party?!"

"Devi!" Tenna interrupted. "Please! Just let him take us there! He doesn't really seem like he's gonna hurt either of us."

"Fuck! That's what he seemed like that night! So kind and sweet and funny… Then he tried to KILL ME!"

Tenna looked over at Nny. "Just… drive us there, okay? Please? And…" She glanced back at Devi. "… fast."

Johnny nodded and they took off.