I own nothing and the likes, not even my dearest little Kirin *cough*notyetanyway*cough*.
I don't know what happens at Elven funerals, if anyone does, tell us and we will apologise, or rather, I will apologise for me awful terrible mistakes. May I be struck down with lightning where I sit and have dogs urinate on my remains.
Little Silver Teardrops
He's crying again.
By the Valar, does he not know what day it is? Or maybe he does. Maybe that's why he's crying…
I still can't believe mother's dead and I hardly knew her.
None of us did.
I suppose I should be happy she's gone. She was like a bird in a cage, a beautiful, beautiful bird, yearning to break free and fly far away from here - this horrible place, from father, from all responsibilities.
From us…
Oh little Legolas, you will never know how much she loved you, and you will never know how much I hated you for it. I will be a good brother now, or I'll try; I don't know how to love anyone. I will try for you, but you almost broke my heart when you looked at me like that, when I brought down my hand on your perfect little face and hit you hard, and you gave me that look. The look I gave Gyre when I was small. That look of utter fear, pure pure terrible fear.
And all I did was make you cry worse, and Sellen had to shush you and pull you onto his lap.
I'm turning into Gyre.
No, I'm worse than Gyre because I know its happening. I know its wrong and I shouldn't hurt you, but you make it so hard for me, little one, you make it so hard!
Especially since you're sitting exactly where I want to be, holding him as I would. Only I would hold him better, I would show him he is the most beautiful, wonderful creature to walk this earth; one of my hands would be entwined with his, the other would be around his neck, and his arms would encircle my waist, pulling me nearer and nearer till we could each reach the others lips. And, oh, Elbereth! I know how he would taste. I have thought of it and longed for it for so long that it would be so easy in real life. I already know the inside of his mouth and, given time, I would know it better than him.
Oh, Sellen, is this wrong? Am I disgusting for thinking these things? For I have thought much worse: I have thought how you would take me - oh, you would take me so gently, but with dominance and control, and I can already imagine the pleasures you would bring me to as we learned of each others bodies…
What I feel can't possibly be wrong, can it?
"Kirin?"
My eyes snap open and I am met with the face that haunts my every thought, my every dream…the way he looks at me makes me feel as if he has read my mind.
Imagine that…if anyone read my mind and found out what a nasty little boy I really am…
"Are you alright Kirin? You went into a trance…"
I look up and smile at him. "Yes, of course. I'm fine, really, everything's fine…do you want me to help dress Legolas?"
"Oh, Eru, would you? Thanks!"
I grab a tunic; oh it's so small! And help Sellen with our baby brother's buttons…our baby brother…I wish he could stay a baby for ever, just a little child. It's too late for me, but maybe Sellen could help protect him. Maybe I could…then Gyre couldn't hurt him like he does to us. Well, Sellen mostly, because Sellen fights back, and he likes that.
"Kirin, he'll be to hot with a tunic on."
"But father said…alright, we'll say that we spilled something on it, then?" I say, nervously biting on my lower lip - a habit I wish I didn't have, for more than once I've tasted blood in my mouth.
"You mean I spilled something? You can't afford another beating, Kirin."
Oh Valar, he is so noble, taking beating after beating just for me…and the way he says my name…
"You must admit he's clever with it, only hitting us where it won't show," I say, touching my side where a red-hot pain is slowly eating away at me.
"Yes, but Gyre's not, is he? I wouldn't be surprised if the whole of Mirkwood didn't know what he was doing to us."
"Yes, well, it's only because he obviously can't get into anyone else's leggings! Poor thing!" I say, and Sellen smirks at me; this is the sort of grim humour we have, for it's happened so many times to us now that it's almost a daily routine.
Is this my life?
Sarcasm and snide remarks are the only things we can get a laugh out of, and even then it's not proper laughter. We've not laughed for years in this family, save Legolas sometimes.
He laughs at the funniest things, like if it's raining and the sun comes out; just little giggles, but it lightens the heart.
"Right, help me with his shoes, Kirin."
"Fine, which ones?" I ask, silly question since he's only got two pairs, and I doubt he'll be wearing the black, mud covered boots.
"The brown lace-ups," he says to me before turning to Legolas. "Right, we'll put you up on the bed now," he says, picking Legolas up. I grab the shoes and go over to them, and Legolas flinches away…
I'm so sorry little one, please…
He won't look at me; what have I done? I didn't hit him too hard…did I?
Will he ever trust me again?
"Legolas? Legolas please look at me!" He turns his head slightly but he won't meet my eyes "Legolas please, I'm sorry, Legolas, I won't hit you again, promise, I won't hit you ever again!"
This time he does look at me, with round, trusting innocent eyes, and a little hand stretches out to touch my face. "Promise?"
"Promise"
"Come on Kirin, help me!" Sellen's voice is exasperated; we're late, and father's in a worse mood than usual because Lord Elrond Peredhil is attending the feast after mother's funeral. Thank the Valar that he's not attending the funeral itself, or "that half-Elf", as father keeps referring to him, would be in lots of trouble...
I wish I were a half-Elf, for when the time came, I would choose death.
Can you blame me? I am a nuisance to my father, hated, secretly beaten and raped by my oldest brother, and ashamedly in love with the second oldest…
Legolas sticks out his little foot so I can put on one of his shoes and tie them up for him; he is only small and cannot do them himself. Sellen's been trying to teach him…
The door swings open and once again my heart is filled with dread by the figure I see standing there.
Gyre.
Sellen straightens up and looks at him with cold, uncaring eyes. "What are you doing here, Gyre? Aren't you meant to be licking daddy's boots somewhere?"
"Come now Sellen, can an older brother not stop by and see how his siblings are doing? I just came to see if you were ready yet. Father says you're to hurry up," he sneers, before he looks at me with some strange emotion in his eyes.
Not now Gyre, please, not now, not today…
"Come here," he says, barely more than a whisper as he goes to stand beside the dressing table and the big mirror that hangs over it.
I don't move an inch. I can't, he can't do this to me now, not in front of baby Legolas. He is too pure for that.
And damn you Gyre! Don't you remember what day it is? "Gyre what are you up to? You can't, not now. I won't let you, not today…"
"Just. Come. Here." He hisses; and I have to, he grabs my wrist and pulls me right up close to him.
"Turn around"
I do so and wait for the inevitable pull on my leggings, but it never comes. I look to the left to where his hand is taking something off the table. It's a brush…
Ever so gently, too gently, Gyre takes the brush through my hair. I see our refection in the mirror, my eyes wide with shock and my face still flushed from the embarrassment of thinking I would be taken in front of my little brother. And his face…his face is something else. He's looking fondly at my silver strands as he pulls them through the brush. Why is he doing this?
"Gyre, what are you doing?" I ask, my voice timid and shaky, because at any minute he could change…
Then he starts to speak, not really to me, though, not to anyone. "Such pretty hair…lovely, lovely hair, no one else has hair like it, except mother. Mother had pretty hair, pretty silver hair…just like yours. But now mother's gone, and you're the only one with beautiful silver hair…so like her; baby blue eyes, silver hair…not like my dark ones, or Sellen's and Legolas' bright ones…but big baby blue eyes…just like mother…"
I see it now, he feels lost. I would turn round and hug him tight, except for the fact I do not know how long this will last - whether he will hit me or let me be today - but at least he does have warm blood under his skin…he just doesn't show he has feelings…
I say this now, but tonight or another day while I lie beneath him against my will I'll hate him all over again and all this will be forgotten.
He stops, and plays with my hair, braids it then un-braids it, and then finally lets me go and turns to leave before pausing before Sellen.
"Hurry up, father wants you downstairs in one minute. And don't keep him waiting," he says, the usual conceited tone back in his voice, before he storms out of the room. We all stand there in a state of shock before Sellen speaks. "Well…I don't think any of us were expecting that…"
I look at him; he has unease written all over his face. I don't blame him,
"Sellen?" a little voice asks.
"What is it Legolas?" Sellen smiles, looking down on him.
"Why did Gyre not hit Kirin? Does he like Kirin? Does he not like me?"
"So many questions, small one!" he laughs. I love that; even though I hate the dratted nickname, at least it's just reserved for me, 'little one'. I'm the only brother called that. Legolas is always 'small one', or 'Nier', partly for his golden hair and partly for his love of sweet things, but I'm the only 'little one'.
"He doesn't like me, Legolas. You're best to forget that, he's just upset," I answer for Sellen, seeing he does obviously not want to say that Gyre doesn't like me. I don't know why, it's not like that would hurt my feelings…
"Oh…Kirin, why have you not put on white?" Legolas asked hopping down from the bed, and right he is. I am still considered a child, even though I've reached maturity. I must have forgotten that; well, I've never been to a funeral before, and I don't plan to again.
"Oh Kirin! Hurry up or Father will scream himself into a frenzy!" Sellen says with exasperation. Oh no, I've not made him angry have I? I couldn't stand that - if I thought he was disappointed with me - oh, no, I couldn't deal with that, I just couldn't…
"Yes…Sellen, sorry…" I say, hoping the hurt doesn't show in my eyes as he comes over and helps me rip my shirt over my head and pull on a white one instead. How can he know that such a simple touch is driving me insane, with his hands on my body like this? My heart is skipping so many beats and I feel like I'm on some sort of drug.
"Sorry Kirin, I'm just a bit stressed right now. Come here." He holds his arms open to me, and I wonder if he knows how close he is to looking like an angel…oh, the wonderful scent of Sellen! Mmmmm, I love him so much!
"Ok Kirin, let's go. Do up your buttons. Legolas? You ready? We've got to run!"
Just to prove his point we heard Father's booming, angry voice travel up the stairs. We were late, again.
"WHERE THE HELL ARE THOSE BLOODY CHILDREN!"
Legolas bit his lip nervously and Sellen muttered something under his breath, obviously not to be heard by innocent ears.
"Sellen, let's go - now!" We run out of the room. Sellen has Legolas under one arm and my hand in his to let me keep up with them. I was never as fast as Sellen; it probably would have been quite comical if we weren't running to save our hides.
"Where have you been, you stupid boys!" Father thundered, staring at us like we had just told him we had the One Ring and were going to take over the world without him.
He really looks mad, and he glares at Sellen with hate because as he is older, and is, of course, to blame. It's not like he only gave us half an hour to wash up, change and get to the funeral…
I wonder what father's feeling about losing his wife, the mother of his children are? He probably doesn't care. When he was told he showed no emotion at all in his eyes, even though Sellen went as white as a sheet and I had to blink to stop myself from crying. An Elven prince does not cry, not even over his mother's death.
"We had to change Legolas, and Kirin needed to change his shirt, it wasn't our fault…" He trails off, as father's giving him a look that kills. He puts Legolas down but still stands with my hand in his.
I try and catch my breath; this is it, this is the day I say goodbye to my mother forever. All I have to do is walk through those doors…
TBC
A/N: Ok people, there you go! As you all know (I think) AJ's sick, so she wont be doing any more for a while, ah well…get better AJ!
