The song is "I Walk Alone", belonging to Oleander. The characters aren't mine either. Sucks, huh?
Everything I've Known (Part II)
Gil was different. He was the kind of guy that when you talked to him, he listened, while all the other men I've ever known nodded their head and said "Yeah, I understand", but were really thinking about how they could get me into bed. He listened. I mean, truly listened.
What's more he never passed judgment. He understood me like no one ever had. When I spoke, he focused all his attention on me like he really cared about me. Nobody's ever done that before. I was more than what everyone at the club thought I was. And I realized it myself. I guess I just forgot after being there so long. Sometimes just thinking about Gil made me want to burst into tears. He was so good to me, and he didn't demand of anything in return, unlike so many other men.
We didn't have a romance. I'll say that right now. We did not. It was more than a friendship though because numerous times we did happen to end up in bed together. Either we were completely bombed or we were in emotional overload and breakdown and we just needed someone that night. We had a strange relationship. It wasn't romantic but nor was it just a plain friendship. It was somewhere in between. We went to each other when things fell apart and the world was crashing down on us.
We had sex. More than a few times. So what? It was...I couldn't really tell. It was meaningless, and yet it wasn't. I loved him, yet I didn't. I guess we never really actually got together because Gil and I both knew it would never work out. We knew it for a fact. We both were independent, stubborn, unyielding thinkers. We'd clash within minutes if we ever entered a romance. We never broached the idea, but somehow we just knew. We just left it at a casual relationship with no strings attached.
That first night, I remember so clearly, he had a hard night on the graveyard. He came around to my place around four in the morning.
"I'm sorry, Cath. I know I shouldn't have come, but I just needed to see you."
No, it's all right. Come in. Is everything okay?
We talked for awhile. I could tell immediately he was feeling miserable. And suddenly on impulse, I kissed him. There was nothing friendly about that kiss either, but he didn't push me away. The next second later we were making out like we were a bunch of teenagers. Well, one thing led to another, and...you know how it goes.
Like I said, Gil was different. A good different. He was the complete opposite of every other man I've ever had. He was gentle and soothing. His breath was soft, warm. And I found myself wondering how someone who could classify the mushroom growing outside in the lawn into class and order, could also be the same one running his fingers through my hair and making me tingle. To sum up in a sentence, he was amazing. I always imagined him to be one of those guys who kept asking if they were hurting you or something when you couldn't even feel a thing. No, he wasn't like that either. He was so harmonized with me, I swore he was reading my mind.
I woke the next morning and found myself lying on the couch, his arms around me. It was the first time I had ever woken up without regrets. I was afraid I would wake up to find it were only a dream.
I know you think this must be the strangest thing ever, but between Gil and I, everything was perfect. We had each other to talk to, go to, and to appease our own loneliness. Though we were both free to see other people, neither of us did. We were satisfied with each other. It's not a healthy relationship, I know. I know, but I was happy. It had been a while since I'd actually been fully content with myself.
Then, it happened. Gil got a job offer. In Chicago. He told me, and then read my eyes. I was hurting. It felt like he had broken my heart, though we didn't even have a real relationship. I just repeated those words over and over in my head, "No strings attached".
We were standing outside of the French Palace. It was just a few minutes before I had to go on. That's when he told me. That's when he chose to tell me.
I couldn't look away. I wanted to, but I couldn't. We kept staring into each other's eyes. I spoke first.
When do you leave?
"Tomorrow morning, if I want it. But, look, Cath, I don't have to go, if you don't - "
No, Gil, you should go.
"But, Cath - "
It's what you really want.
"What about you?"
What about me?
"I don't want to leave you."
Gil, what are you talking about? We agreed this would be a casual relationship. Just late night talking, drinking, and sex. That's all it was.
"I still you don't want to leave you."
Gil, I whispered, you were never here.
"But I - "
Don't say it.
He nodded. "I do though."
I do too.
I couldn't look at him anymore. It hurt too much. I leaned in and kissed him hard, running my fingers through his brownish blond hair one last time. I pulled away, and straightened out his shirt collar for him. He watched me. He didn't say anything. The one time I needed him to say something more, he kept quiet. I blinked back my tears, and looked up at him. I couldn't figure out what his eyes were saying to me either. For the first time since I've met him, I couldn't understand him.
Bye, Gil.
"Wait, Catherine - "
I had already walked away. I knew he wouldn't come after me. I was positive he wouldn't. And he didn't. He stood where he was, and watched me walk away. I could still feel his eyes on me as I tore into the French Palace and disappeared into the crowd.
everybody and everything i've known
never taught me how to stand up on my own
had to learn it from the one who let me go
now i walk alone
yeah, i walk alone
yeah, i walk alone
i walk alone
i walk alone
i walk alone...
- oleander -
Everything I've Known (Part II)
Gil was different. He was the kind of guy that when you talked to him, he listened, while all the other men I've ever known nodded their head and said "Yeah, I understand", but were really thinking about how they could get me into bed. He listened. I mean, truly listened.
What's more he never passed judgment. He understood me like no one ever had. When I spoke, he focused all his attention on me like he really cared about me. Nobody's ever done that before. I was more than what everyone at the club thought I was. And I realized it myself. I guess I just forgot after being there so long. Sometimes just thinking about Gil made me want to burst into tears. He was so good to me, and he didn't demand of anything in return, unlike so many other men.
We didn't have a romance. I'll say that right now. We did not. It was more than a friendship though because numerous times we did happen to end up in bed together. Either we were completely bombed or we were in emotional overload and breakdown and we just needed someone that night. We had a strange relationship. It wasn't romantic but nor was it just a plain friendship. It was somewhere in between. We went to each other when things fell apart and the world was crashing down on us.
We had sex. More than a few times. So what? It was...I couldn't really tell. It was meaningless, and yet it wasn't. I loved him, yet I didn't. I guess we never really actually got together because Gil and I both knew it would never work out. We knew it for a fact. We both were independent, stubborn, unyielding thinkers. We'd clash within minutes if we ever entered a romance. We never broached the idea, but somehow we just knew. We just left it at a casual relationship with no strings attached.
That first night, I remember so clearly, he had a hard night on the graveyard. He came around to my place around four in the morning.
"I'm sorry, Cath. I know I shouldn't have come, but I just needed to see you."
No, it's all right. Come in. Is everything okay?
We talked for awhile. I could tell immediately he was feeling miserable. And suddenly on impulse, I kissed him. There was nothing friendly about that kiss either, but he didn't push me away. The next second later we were making out like we were a bunch of teenagers. Well, one thing led to another, and...you know how it goes.
Like I said, Gil was different. A good different. He was the complete opposite of every other man I've ever had. He was gentle and soothing. His breath was soft, warm. And I found myself wondering how someone who could classify the mushroom growing outside in the lawn into class and order, could also be the same one running his fingers through my hair and making me tingle. To sum up in a sentence, he was amazing. I always imagined him to be one of those guys who kept asking if they were hurting you or something when you couldn't even feel a thing. No, he wasn't like that either. He was so harmonized with me, I swore he was reading my mind.
I woke the next morning and found myself lying on the couch, his arms around me. It was the first time I had ever woken up without regrets. I was afraid I would wake up to find it were only a dream.
I know you think this must be the strangest thing ever, but between Gil and I, everything was perfect. We had each other to talk to, go to, and to appease our own loneliness. Though we were both free to see other people, neither of us did. We were satisfied with each other. It's not a healthy relationship, I know. I know, but I was happy. It had been a while since I'd actually been fully content with myself.
Then, it happened. Gil got a job offer. In Chicago. He told me, and then read my eyes. I was hurting. It felt like he had broken my heart, though we didn't even have a real relationship. I just repeated those words over and over in my head, "No strings attached".
We were standing outside of the French Palace. It was just a few minutes before I had to go on. That's when he told me. That's when he chose to tell me.
I couldn't look away. I wanted to, but I couldn't. We kept staring into each other's eyes. I spoke first.
When do you leave?
"Tomorrow morning, if I want it. But, look, Cath, I don't have to go, if you don't - "
No, Gil, you should go.
"But, Cath - "
It's what you really want.
"What about you?"
What about me?
"I don't want to leave you."
Gil, what are you talking about? We agreed this would be a casual relationship. Just late night talking, drinking, and sex. That's all it was.
"I still you don't want to leave you."
Gil, I whispered, you were never here.
"But I - "
Don't say it.
He nodded. "I do though."
I do too.
I couldn't look at him anymore. It hurt too much. I leaned in and kissed him hard, running my fingers through his brownish blond hair one last time. I pulled away, and straightened out his shirt collar for him. He watched me. He didn't say anything. The one time I needed him to say something more, he kept quiet. I blinked back my tears, and looked up at him. I couldn't figure out what his eyes were saying to me either. For the first time since I've met him, I couldn't understand him.
Bye, Gil.
"Wait, Catherine - "
I had already walked away. I knew he wouldn't come after me. I was positive he wouldn't. And he didn't. He stood where he was, and watched me walk away. I could still feel his eyes on me as I tore into the French Palace and disappeared into the crowd.
everybody and everything i've known
never taught me how to stand up on my own
had to learn it from the one who let me go
now i walk alone
yeah, i walk alone
yeah, i walk alone
i walk alone
i walk alone
i walk alone...
- oleander -
