*** I hope you guys are enjoying this series so far. I realize that it's kind of depressing, but I was listening to depressing songs…so, here's the product. The song in this chapter is "Brick" by Ben Folds Five. ***

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// 6 am day after Christmas

I throw some clothes on in the dark //

"You ready?" he asked me. His voice was soft, but I could hear the touch of hurt in his voice.

"Yeah," I said, nodding. I couldn't look into his eyes. I couldn't see the look of betrayal in his eyes that had been there since I had told him about my decision.

At least I told him what I was going to do. At least I didn't just go and do it by myself. Of course, it might have been fairer to him. Maybe he would have been able to live like the world hadn't come crashing down.

// The smell of cold

Car seat is freezing //

I looked over at him and watched the muscles in his cheek contract and reflex. I wanted to tell him to stop grinding his teeth, but I couldn't. He was hurting.

"Matt?" I asked softly.

"Yeah?" he asked, not taking his eyes off of the road.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Do you want the truth?" Matt asked.

"I don't know," I answered honestly.

// The world is sleeping

I am numb //

I had found out about two weeks earlier. I hadn't told a soul, except for Matt. I thought he would want to know. Even if we had broken up. He was overjoyed. I was absolutely shocked. I mean, I know he tried to get revenge on the Undertaker after what he did to Jeff and I, but we weren't back together or anything.

But I had a career to think about. I told him that. I also told him that he should understand better than anyone what the business was like. We all know our active period is short. And something like this, I might never come back from.

But I still don't think he understood where I was coming from.

// Up the stairs to the apartment

She is balled up on the couch //

A silent tear ran down my cheek as I thought about what I could have had. Matt had already proposed to me. If I was pregnant then he wanted us to be a family. He was ready to find a realtor and get us a house.

There was love in his eyes. Love for me. Love for our unborn child. But I couldn't believe it would stay there. I couldn't believe Matt would always love me. And then I would start to hate my child because it was the reason I stayed with Matt. And the poor kid would be miserable. It happened all the time. I wouldn't let it happen to me.

But in making my decision, I might have drastically changed any chance at future happiness that Matt and I had.

// Her mom and dad went down to Charlotte

They're not home to find us out

And we drive //

"Matt, there can always be other children," I said to him when he refused to see my point of view.

"But what about this one?" Matt asked. "Do you think you'll be able to forget this baby?"

"I don't know," I said, feeling very frustrated. "I don't think my career should take a backseat to having a family. I'm not ready to give up my career yet."

"And I don't think a family should take a backseat to a career," Matt said.

"Then I guess we're agreed," I said.

"Not really," Matt said, sighing in defeat. "But it's your body."

"Yeah," I murmured, knowing Matt hated what was going to happen.

// Now that I have found someone

I'm feeling more alone

Than I ever have before //

If none of the stuff leading up to Armageddon had never happened then I would probably have decided differently. I mean, before Matt developed a wandering eye and a jealousy complex, I thought we would last forever. And I've never believed in forever.

But that all did happen. I can't just turn the trust switch on again. I can't just blindly believe that he loves me. I care about him, I probably still love him. But I'm not going to let him have the rest of my life.

But the problem with that is that I do love him. And I know that once I made the decision to have an abortion, nothing between us would ever be the same. But that's a decision I had to make for myself.

// She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere

She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly //

He helped me out of the car. He saw the tear marks running down my cheeks. He softly touched his lips to mine. "Baby, you don't have to do this," Matt said. "You can wait."

"I have to Matt," I said. "If I don't do this now…"

"Is that so bad?" Matt asked, pushing a strand of my hair behind my ear and leaning his forehead on mine. "I love you Leet. I will take care of you."

"I know you would," I said. "But I don't want us to hate each other Matt. I don't want to be in a perfect house five years from now, angry because you have the career and I'm at home with a baby."

"It doesn't have to be that way," Matt said.

"But it would be," I answered sadly.

// They call her name at 7:30

I pace around the parking lot //

"Can I go with her?" Matt asked the doctor when my name was called.

"She's going to be put under," the doctor said. "We discourage having people in the room during the procedure."

Matt squeezed my hand in his. "Be strong Red."

"Tell me everything is going to be okay," I whispered to him as I hugged him close.

"It's all going to be okay Lita," Matt said, returning my hug.

I let the doctor lead me to the back and I looked over my shoulder to see Matt rooted to his spot, tears in his eyes.

// Then I walk down to buy her flowers

And sell some gifts that I got //

"I got you these," Matt said as he stood in front of my wheelchair. He handed me a bouquet of orchids.

"Thanks," I said dully, taking the flowers from his hand.

"Lets get you home," he said, taking position behind the wheelchair and pushing me out towards the parking lot.

I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I wanted to ask Matt to just hold me, but no words would come out of my mouth. I knew if I asked, Matt would do anything. But I couldn't.

"You want something to eat baby?" he asked. It was strange how he was so vocally opposed to me having an abortion, but he was ready to take care of me.

"No," I said. I was staring out of the window again. I couldn't look at Matt and let him my own heart was broken too.

// Can't you see

It's not me you're dying for //

I've known plenty of people who have had abortions before. A couple of the other Divas have had them. I wouldn't say that they weren't affected it by it, but they didn't seem like they were dying. It didn't seem like they felt like a huge chunk of themselves had been ripped out of them.

The worst part is that I gave it away. I let my baby be taken away from me. Hell, I shoved it away from me.

If I had known beforehand what they meant when they said abortion left one dead and one walking wounded, I might have listened to Matt. Everyday, I wonder what the baby might have looked like. I wonder what kind of parents Matt and I would have been.

And I know I made a mistake.

// Now she's feeling more alone

Than she ever has before //

I can't talk to Matt about it though. I can't admit to him that I was so wrong. I can't tell him that I should have listened closer to him. I didn't realize how precious a child is.

I wish I had someone to talk to. I don't make sense, even to myself anymore. I kind of live in this world where I made a decision that changed my life, but I can't get past it or over it.

And I'm stuck in between the life I chose and the life I didn't realize I wanted.

// She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere

She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly //

Matt had been wonderful, even though I know it hurts him to stay with me. He won't leave me. He tries to make my life as easy as possible. He was the one who arranged for us all to come back at Royal Rumble.

But it hurts me to be around him too. I know that if I had listened to him I wouldn't be feeling this gut-wrenching pain. I wouldn't be miserable most of the time. But I love him so much for staying with me and trying to help me through all of this.

If I had realized my love for him had never changed, I might have chosen differently. I might have been his wife and we might have been preparing for a baby. I know he would have been the best father in the world. It's so strange how you can see things after the fact.

Why can't you see clearly in the midst of a decision.

// As weeks went by

It showed that she was not fine //

"Lita!" Matt called to me. "Lita, come on!"

"No!" I said, not raising my head from the bed.

"Lita, you have to come with us to the show," Matt said, sitting next to me on the bed. He brushed hair away from my neck. "What's wrong?"

"I'm so…lost Matt," I said, looking up.

"Have you been crying?" Matt asked, his hand skimming my tear-stained cheeks.

"Just a little," I said.

"Okay, I'll figure something out," Matt said, patting me on the back. "You go ahead and stay here. I'll think up something to tell Vince."

"Thanks," I said.

// They told me son, it's time to tell the truth

She broke down, and I broke down

Cause I was tired of lying //

"What's wrong with Lita?" Trish asked Jeff as they walked out of the dressing room together. I was on a chair, kind of balled up. I hadn't said a word to my friend while she had been in the room.

"I don't know," Jeff said. "Matt's been acting strange too."

"You don't think they are having problems again, do you?" Trish asked. "Oh, hey Matt."

"Hey, where's Lita?" Matt asked.

"In the room," Jeff said. "What's wrong with her man?"

"What do you mean?" Matt asked. I could hear the guilt in his voice for pretending not to know exactly what his brother was talking about.

"I mean she's been acting strange for awhile," Jeff said.

I got out of my chair and I opened the door. "I killed my baby! Okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Baby," Matt said, looking at me with eyes filled with concern.

"I'm sorry," I said to him, tears streaming down my cheeks. He shook his head and pulled me into his arms.

// Driving home to her apartment

For a moment we're alone //

"I love you Matt," I said to him.

"I know you do sweetheart," Matt said, taking my hand into his own.

"That's why I'm leaving you," I said.

"What?" he asked, in shock.

"I mean, we're both miserable," I said. "We'll never get over what happened. We'll never be the same with each other."

"But, I love you Lita," Matt said.

"I know," I said. "But it hurts me to hurt you. And that's what we're doing by staying together."

// Yeah she's alone

I'm alone

Now I know it //

I watched him walk out of the room after he had tried several times to convince me not to break us apart. But I couldn't make him stay with me anymore.

I just had to figure out a way to move on myself. If that was possible at all.

// She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere

She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly //