Still aren't mine. Quit hasslin' me.
Everything I've Known (Part III)
Gil left. He left with a piece of me. I didn't see him again after that night in front of the French Palace. It had also been the first time I'd ever cried over a man because I loved him, not out of hatred for what he had done to me. I loved him.
It would've never worked out. That's the way we were. Independent. We need to know we're able to fly any time we wanted, that we're not being encumbered by someone else. That was the reason we never entered a romance. We were the same. So much alike that it would've never worked. After he had left to Chicago, I truly regretted not having more than just physical aspects, though I never said it aloud.
The thing is, I couldn't picture him with me in anything other than just a casual relationship. And that was what we agreed on. A casual relationship. No strings attached. My exact words when we actually got around to discussing it for five minutes. No strings attached.
But things were different now that he was gone. Some nights I missed him so much, I cried myself to sleep in the dark. Other nights I wouldn't sleep at all. I'd just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, thinking about the reckless times we ended up together on his dining room table and kitchen floor.
I missed having him listen to me ramble on and on about absolutely nothing. I missed laughing so hard till we cried. I missed putting on his on one of his shirts the morning after we had been together. I missed how he always brushed the strands of my hair away from my face, and hooking it behind my ear. I missed how whenever people laughed at me, he shut them up. Most of all, I missed his eyes. Deep blue, gentle, unforgettable eyes.
It was one of those miserable nights that I met Eddie Willows. It had been about two months after Gil left, and yet I was still thinking about him day and night. I couldn't help it. Gil had branded his mark on me, and all I could think about was him.
"Hey, was that you up there before?" A stranger said to me.
Yeah, so?
"Jeez, you practically hypnotized the whole room. I swear, nobody looked away."
Well, apparently you did.
"What?"
Well, you had to have looked away to see that everyone else wasn't looking away.
He smiled, extending his hand. "I'm Eddie. Eddie Willows."
Catherine.
And that began the long chain of events.
Eddie wasn't horrible. He wasn't. Just misguided, I guess. He really wasn't horrible. In fact, he showered me with presents, compliments, the works. Despite of all that attention, I still couldn't help thinking about Gil every now and then, and wonder what he was doing or where he was. Just a mere wondering. Not that I would ever do anything to find out. Sometimes, it was just a nice thought to think when I was feeling miserable.
I was careful to never mention Gil to Eddie. I didn't want him to think I was thinking of other men. I wasn't. Gil was just a nice getaway once in a while. I swore to myself I wouldn't think about him too much. He had probably moved on like me.
Eddie was different from Gil.
He was protective in a way that sometimes went overboard. After we started going out, he would barely even let me talk to any other guy, though he needed my money from the strip club sometimes. That he didn't mind.
Eddie also didn't really know about my sensitive, intellectual side that Gil knew. With Gil we could converse until dawn about books, poems, and the sort, and never get tired or bored for that matter. Gil knew I was nothing like what I appeared to be at the strip club. He knew the person behind all that. The talented, smart, steely, independent me that was under that outer layer of humiliation I felt night after night up on that damned stage. Gil knew I wasn't the stripper. Eddie, I don't think, ever saw that. And yet with all that he didn't know, I couldn't refuse the idea of marrying him. He charmed me into it with his puppy-dog eyes.
So we got married. That was when the problems began too. We didn't have much money, and Eddie wasn't a big help in earning it, just wasting it on beer and appeasing our cocaine habit. I won't say I didn't squander our money because I did. I kept getting in and out of rehab. It's just I knew when I was in rehab, the money was diminishing and I was getting better, but what was the use of that if once I got out I had no money to buy even a loaf of bread? The way I saw it through my stubborn point of view was that it was better I was out there working, and fighting the addiction myself, than stuck in rehab. At least this way, I had just enough cash every week. Yeah, I tried to fight my coke problem, but I really couldn't. I just couldn't. Eddie got pissed off frequently now because I couldn't make enough dough.
Then, something else happened. I got pregnant. Eddie had always wanted a bunch of kids, but now wasn't exactly the best time. I was also terrified he'd bitch at me about the timing. We were in a financial crisis. He had a change of heart though. He made a serious effort to pull the financial situation together. He quit drinking, and I got rid of my cocaine problem. It was a hell of a fight, but we got through, and within nine months, Lindsey was born. God, Eddie adored her. He could barely go without holding her for a few minutes. He was the one who got up in the middle of the night when she started crying. He took care of her nearly twenty four - seven, while I went job hunting.
I couldn't possibly strip anymore. I had to pull it together to support my family since Eddie couldn't always make enough.
It was then he came back. I was just walking out of the French Palace on my last few days of my two weeks notice, when I saw him standing in the same place we had said good bye years back. He saw me too.
Hey.
"Hey."
What are you doing here, Gil?
"Is that question in disdain or just plain curiosity?"
Definitely not in disdain, I said, shaking my head and smiling.
"I came back."
I opened my mouth to speak, but that second, Eddie drove up to the curb to pick me up with Lindsey in the back. He got out of the car, and came up to me, kissing my brow.
"Hey, honey bunches of oats." He teased, putting an arm around me. "You ready to go?"
Yeah, I answered softly.
I honestly couldn't see how I could've said no to Eddie. God, Gil was broken. I could tell. He held himself together, but I could tell he was hurt. I could also tell he came back for me, though he didn't say it. Women's instincts.
Eddie led me to the car, and opened the door for me. I watched Gil through the window as Eddie was walking around the car to the other side. Gil was crushed. Words couldn't even describe his expression. It was blank, vacant, yet you could tell there was something behind that disguise. Eddie got into the car, and drove away. I took a deep breath.
"Hey, who was that anyway?"
An old friend. I haven't seen him in almost three years.
And that was the end of that. Eddie and I never talked about him again.
I couldn't find a job. At least not something that's less humiliating than stripping, and pays better. It was hopeless. Eddie was getting impatient too. I was unemployed. Eddie's music career wasn't exactly paying off either. Once again, we were in a rut. I didn't know what to do. And out of desperation, I called Gil and asked him out for a drink. We met in the usual place where we used to go.
"So, is everything all right?"
Yeah, everything's all right. I just wanted to see you. I mean, the other day, we didn't really get a chance to catch up.
Well, we spent some time talking almost like old times. I told him about Eddie and Lindsey. I stayed away from my coke era though. He was affiliated with the police, and though I trusted him completely, I couldn't tell him. I knew he would've been a little disappointed inside.
"Why do I get the feeling you didn't just want to see me to catch up?"
All right. It's just I've recently quit the French Palace, and I'm looking for a job. And you know, I hate to ask you like this since you just came back a week ago, but -
"You need a loan?"
I'm sorry. I'm a little short this month.
"You know, I can give you something better."
What?
"There's an opening in my department. You interested?"
Forensics stuff?
"Yeah."
Well, would they accept me?
"You have a degree in the area. Medical technology."
Yeah, I mean...
"What?"
I mean, because of my previous profession.
"Don't worry about that." He checked his watch. "Hey, listen, my shift starts in a half hour, I have to go."
Yeah, I better start heading home too.
I stood up from the bar counter with him. He helped me into my coat, and we walked out into the street.
"I'll see what I can do about that opening."
Thanks a lot, Gil. Really, I mean it.
"You're welcome."
Everything I've Known (Part III)
Gil left. He left with a piece of me. I didn't see him again after that night in front of the French Palace. It had also been the first time I'd ever cried over a man because I loved him, not out of hatred for what he had done to me. I loved him.
It would've never worked out. That's the way we were. Independent. We need to know we're able to fly any time we wanted, that we're not being encumbered by someone else. That was the reason we never entered a romance. We were the same. So much alike that it would've never worked. After he had left to Chicago, I truly regretted not having more than just physical aspects, though I never said it aloud.
The thing is, I couldn't picture him with me in anything other than just a casual relationship. And that was what we agreed on. A casual relationship. No strings attached. My exact words when we actually got around to discussing it for five minutes. No strings attached.
But things were different now that he was gone. Some nights I missed him so much, I cried myself to sleep in the dark. Other nights I wouldn't sleep at all. I'd just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, thinking about the reckless times we ended up together on his dining room table and kitchen floor.
I missed having him listen to me ramble on and on about absolutely nothing. I missed laughing so hard till we cried. I missed putting on his on one of his shirts the morning after we had been together. I missed how he always brushed the strands of my hair away from my face, and hooking it behind my ear. I missed how whenever people laughed at me, he shut them up. Most of all, I missed his eyes. Deep blue, gentle, unforgettable eyes.
It was one of those miserable nights that I met Eddie Willows. It had been about two months after Gil left, and yet I was still thinking about him day and night. I couldn't help it. Gil had branded his mark on me, and all I could think about was him.
"Hey, was that you up there before?" A stranger said to me.
Yeah, so?
"Jeez, you practically hypnotized the whole room. I swear, nobody looked away."
Well, apparently you did.
"What?"
Well, you had to have looked away to see that everyone else wasn't looking away.
He smiled, extending his hand. "I'm Eddie. Eddie Willows."
Catherine.
And that began the long chain of events.
Eddie wasn't horrible. He wasn't. Just misguided, I guess. He really wasn't horrible. In fact, he showered me with presents, compliments, the works. Despite of all that attention, I still couldn't help thinking about Gil every now and then, and wonder what he was doing or where he was. Just a mere wondering. Not that I would ever do anything to find out. Sometimes, it was just a nice thought to think when I was feeling miserable.
I was careful to never mention Gil to Eddie. I didn't want him to think I was thinking of other men. I wasn't. Gil was just a nice getaway once in a while. I swore to myself I wouldn't think about him too much. He had probably moved on like me.
Eddie was different from Gil.
He was protective in a way that sometimes went overboard. After we started going out, he would barely even let me talk to any other guy, though he needed my money from the strip club sometimes. That he didn't mind.
Eddie also didn't really know about my sensitive, intellectual side that Gil knew. With Gil we could converse until dawn about books, poems, and the sort, and never get tired or bored for that matter. Gil knew I was nothing like what I appeared to be at the strip club. He knew the person behind all that. The talented, smart, steely, independent me that was under that outer layer of humiliation I felt night after night up on that damned stage. Gil knew I wasn't the stripper. Eddie, I don't think, ever saw that. And yet with all that he didn't know, I couldn't refuse the idea of marrying him. He charmed me into it with his puppy-dog eyes.
So we got married. That was when the problems began too. We didn't have much money, and Eddie wasn't a big help in earning it, just wasting it on beer and appeasing our cocaine habit. I won't say I didn't squander our money because I did. I kept getting in and out of rehab. It's just I knew when I was in rehab, the money was diminishing and I was getting better, but what was the use of that if once I got out I had no money to buy even a loaf of bread? The way I saw it through my stubborn point of view was that it was better I was out there working, and fighting the addiction myself, than stuck in rehab. At least this way, I had just enough cash every week. Yeah, I tried to fight my coke problem, but I really couldn't. I just couldn't. Eddie got pissed off frequently now because I couldn't make enough dough.
Then, something else happened. I got pregnant. Eddie had always wanted a bunch of kids, but now wasn't exactly the best time. I was also terrified he'd bitch at me about the timing. We were in a financial crisis. He had a change of heart though. He made a serious effort to pull the financial situation together. He quit drinking, and I got rid of my cocaine problem. It was a hell of a fight, but we got through, and within nine months, Lindsey was born. God, Eddie adored her. He could barely go without holding her for a few minutes. He was the one who got up in the middle of the night when she started crying. He took care of her nearly twenty four - seven, while I went job hunting.
I couldn't possibly strip anymore. I had to pull it together to support my family since Eddie couldn't always make enough.
It was then he came back. I was just walking out of the French Palace on my last few days of my two weeks notice, when I saw him standing in the same place we had said good bye years back. He saw me too.
Hey.
"Hey."
What are you doing here, Gil?
"Is that question in disdain or just plain curiosity?"
Definitely not in disdain, I said, shaking my head and smiling.
"I came back."
I opened my mouth to speak, but that second, Eddie drove up to the curb to pick me up with Lindsey in the back. He got out of the car, and came up to me, kissing my brow.
"Hey, honey bunches of oats." He teased, putting an arm around me. "You ready to go?"
Yeah, I answered softly.
I honestly couldn't see how I could've said no to Eddie. God, Gil was broken. I could tell. He held himself together, but I could tell he was hurt. I could also tell he came back for me, though he didn't say it. Women's instincts.
Eddie led me to the car, and opened the door for me. I watched Gil through the window as Eddie was walking around the car to the other side. Gil was crushed. Words couldn't even describe his expression. It was blank, vacant, yet you could tell there was something behind that disguise. Eddie got into the car, and drove away. I took a deep breath.
"Hey, who was that anyway?"
An old friend. I haven't seen him in almost three years.
And that was the end of that. Eddie and I never talked about him again.
I couldn't find a job. At least not something that's less humiliating than stripping, and pays better. It was hopeless. Eddie was getting impatient too. I was unemployed. Eddie's music career wasn't exactly paying off either. Once again, we were in a rut. I didn't know what to do. And out of desperation, I called Gil and asked him out for a drink. We met in the usual place where we used to go.
"So, is everything all right?"
Yeah, everything's all right. I just wanted to see you. I mean, the other day, we didn't really get a chance to catch up.
Well, we spent some time talking almost like old times. I told him about Eddie and Lindsey. I stayed away from my coke era though. He was affiliated with the police, and though I trusted him completely, I couldn't tell him. I knew he would've been a little disappointed inside.
"Why do I get the feeling you didn't just want to see me to catch up?"
All right. It's just I've recently quit the French Palace, and I'm looking for a job. And you know, I hate to ask you like this since you just came back a week ago, but -
"You need a loan?"
I'm sorry. I'm a little short this month.
"You know, I can give you something better."
What?
"There's an opening in my department. You interested?"
Forensics stuff?
"Yeah."
Well, would they accept me?
"You have a degree in the area. Medical technology."
Yeah, I mean...
"What?"
I mean, because of my previous profession.
"Don't worry about that." He checked his watch. "Hey, listen, my shift starts in a half hour, I have to go."
Yeah, I better start heading home too.
I stood up from the bar counter with him. He helped me into my coat, and we walked out into the street.
"I'll see what I can do about that opening."
Thanks a lot, Gil. Really, I mean it.
"You're welcome."
