*** This chapter is for Sassy Lil Scorpio, though no one knows when she
might read it. Anyways, it's for her! The song is "Only God Knows Why" by
Kid Rock ***
// I've been sittin' here
Tryin' to find myself //
I looked at the phone. It was beeping loudly because I still hadn't hung the damn receiver up. I wasn't even sure I could move. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.
They couldn't be right. It didn't happen. I was going to wake up at any moment and realize that it had all been a dream. What my family told me totally changed my life. Nothing would ever be the same if they were right.
The incessant beeping finally got to me. Instead of hanging it up like a normal person, I reacted like I normally do to stuff that really pisses me off. Violently. I tore the phone off of its hook and threw it across the room into the wall.
// I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself //
"You okay?" Ivory asked me asked she rushed into the room.
I looked blankly at her. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that!" Ivory exclaimed, pointing at the hole in the wall. The hole from where I had thrown the phone. "I heard the crash from down the hall."
"I got some news," I answered.
"I'm guessing it was bad," Ivory said, sympathy on her voice. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really," I answered.
"I'm here if you need a shoulder or whatever," Ivory said, smiling sweetly.
"Thanks," I said.
// Lookin' for the payback
Listen for the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me //
I walked down to the ring, ready to kick some ass. Maybe it would help me release some of my anguish. Anguish is a funny word. It's like anger and extinguish together. But anguish sure as hell doesn't extinguish any of my anger.
I stare down Trish Stratus. Lucky bitch, she's going to get another ass- whooping courtesy of me.
"Bring it at me bitch," I said to her, so just she could hear me. "I'm ready to make you feel like a weak little bitch."
Fire burned through her eyes before she leaped at me and attacked me. I sure hoped she brought everything she's got, because I'm hoping for a good fight.
// And now I feel like number one
Yet I'm last in life //
I heard the bell ring. There hadn't been a damn pin yet, how could the bell ring. I looked down to see Trish crumpled in the middle of the ring. She wasn't moving much.
"Shit," I muttered to myself. I turned around, leaving the woman lying the center of the ring.
I walked to the back, shaking my head at myself. I didn't mind bringing emotions into the ring, but the girl didn't deserve that. I don't like her, but I know she works hard. She wants to be a good wrestler. More than I can say for those two ex-WCW girls…Torrie and Stacy.
They probably don't have any idea what pain is. What gut wrenching, crushing pain is. But, they are beautiful and everything was handed to them on a silver platter.
// I watch my younger son
And it helps to pass the time //
"What the hell were you doing?" an enraged Jeff Hardy exclaimed as he burst into my dressing room.
"Boy, if you don't think I can whoop your ass then you've got another thing coming," I said, continuing to towel the sweat off of myself.
"Why did you do that to Trish?" Jeff asked. "What the hell has she ever done to you? Why do you keep tormenting her?"
"Why do you care?" I asked him, not wanting to have to explain anything. "Isn't she Rocky's little woman?"
"Trish and I are friends," Jeff said. "So I'm going to warn you as her friend, the next time you do that to Trish is when you're going to find yourself in a match against me."
"I'm shaking in my boots," I said. "Just leave."
// I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple of dollar bills still I feel the same //
I walked over to my mirror after I took my shower and looked in the mirror. No, I wasn't beautiful, at least not like the other girls in the Federation. Of course, I was the strongest. And the most talented. Only Jackie, Ivory, and Molly even came close to my talent. And they were still pretty much a world behind me.
It's not that I'm conceited. I just worked my ass off to become the best female wrestler in the world. My sister had helped me to pay for my training and I promised her that I would be the best. My sister always believed in me.
I wondered if any of the other Divas thought I knew what pain was. I seemed so impassive all of the time. Even when I was angry, I kept myself under control.
But now I was furious and I had a feeling it would be harder to keep a hold on my emotions. That could only mean trouble.
// Everybody knows my name
They say it way out loud //
"Jazz, last week you really did a number on Trish," Michael Cole said, approaching me backstage with a microphone and a camera.
"I don't want to talk about it," I said, walking past him.
"But Jazz," Michael said, running after me. "You have a rematch tonight. Will you go easy on Trish this time."
I whirled around and took him up by his shirt and shoved him against a wall. "What part of 'I don't want to talk about it' don't you understand?"
"Um, sorry," Michael said, fear obvious in his eyes.
I released him and walked away. No one else could tell, but I was disgusted with myself.
// A lot of folks fuck with me
It's hard to hang out in crowds //
"You don't drink," Ivory said as she dropped next to me at the bar in the hotel.
"I do tonight," I replied, taking another drink from the beer I had ordered.
"Have something to forget Jazz?" she asked.
"Leave it alone," I said, a dangerous edge to my voice.
"You don't have to tell me twice," Ivory said.
We both turned at a loud laugh from a booth in the corner. We saw Stacy trying to pull Torrie from the booth. "C'mon Tor, it's time for bed."
"Aw, Stace," Torrie giggled, "I'm having so much fun."
// I guess that's the price you pay
To be some big shot like I am
Outstretched hands and one night stands //
Stacy looked around the bar and her eyes settled on us. "Can you guys help me please?"
"Yeah sure," Ivory said, getting out of her seat. I followed suit.
"Thanks," Stacy said gratefully. "Mr. McMahon said she would be fired if she got plastered like this and he had to deal with hotel management."
"She does this a lot?" I asked.
"I guess," Stacy shrugged.
"Well, lets get her upstairs," I said, hefting her into my arms.
// Still I can't find love
And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around //
I helped Stacy get Torrie into bed and then I walked to my room alone. I had helped a drunk get into bed too many times in my life.
First it had been my mother. I was about ten when I realized that when she came home, hobbling and swaying crazily, she had been drinking. By the time I was sixteen that was the story about four or five nights a week.
Then, after Momma died from a liver disorder, it had been just me and Lily, my older sister. Lily was fine until her husband left her for her best friend. Of course she married him when she was seventeen. She had been pregnant at the time, but he threw her down the stairs one night, after he had come home high.
Then Lily started taking after Momma.
// And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around //
Lily was my hero when I was little. She was so beautiful. Everyone loved Lily and she was never mean. Momma liked to play rough when she was drunk, but Lily would keep her from touching me.
But Lily started drinking just as I got involved in wrestling. She wasn't a mean drunk like Momma. She even realized she was starting to drink too much and she started doing the whole AA thing. I tried to make sure everything was going okay.
It was hard, me traveling all over the country and Lily back at home, taking care of Grannie. But as far as I knew, Lily was doing just fine. I was sending money home and I was calling every day.
// People don't know about the things I say and do
They don't understand about the shit that I've been through //
And now she was gone. Grannie said that the doctors found high levels of heroin in her blood. Lily was doing drugs. It didn't seem right that beautiful Lily would waste her life on drugs. She had so much going for her. She was smart, friendly, and so pretty.
I guess looks aren't all there is to life. It's easy to think it is when you don't look like the beautiful people. It's easy to think the key to having a good life is to be gorgeous. Maybe if I thought about it a little more I would have realized it's just as hard to be pretty.
But it doesn't change the fact that Lily is gone and I didn't stop her. I should have known something was wrong with her. I should have seen that she was doing drugs.
// It's been so long since I've been home
I've been gone....I've been gone for way too long //
The funeral was hell. I was glad I was only home for two days. A day and a half really. My cousins agreed to take care of Grannie and I'll just send them money to take care of her. I really couldn't afford to stop wrestling yet. And I promised Lily I would be the best.
Seeing her dead hit me real hard. I guess I didn't think about how much more real it would make the whole situation. Part of me thought it was a dream still. But beautiful Lily was dead and it was my fault because I wasn't the sister she needed.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to go home again, even to visit Lily.
// Maybe I forgot all things I miss
Oh somehow I know there's more to life than this //
I wrapped tape around my wrist. There was a light knock on the door and I turned to see Trish Stratus coming into the room.
"What the hell do you want?" I asked, angry that she would intrude in my sanctuary.
"I was talking to Ivory," Trish said timidly. "We think something's wrong Jazz. We think you should talk to someone."
"That's fresh," I said, laughing derisively at the blond. "You helping me?"
"Look Jazz, you've been really careless in the ring lately," Trish said. "I don't want to see you or anyone else getting hurt because you're getting sloppy."
// I said it too many times
And I still stand firm
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve //
"You just pay attention to your own wrestling okay?" I asked the blond woman, not expecting an answer.
"Look, I'm coming to you here," Trish said. "I could have gone straight to Ric."
"He would just love to get me out of the WWF wouldn't he?" I asked.
"No he wouldn't," Trish said. "Because you are good. At least, sometimes you are. You're an asset to the company, no matter how much we may dislike you."
"Thanks so much," I said. "But stay out of my business."
"Fine," Trish said. "But if you don't clean up soon I will talk to Flair."
// Still I ain't seen mine
No I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been gettin' //
Trish Stratus was noticing that I was wrestling for shit? Yeah, I knew I let my personal problems interfere with my work, but who the hell doesn't?
And I had real problems. It wasn't that I had broken up with my boyfriend or some ridiculous situation like that. My sister was dead and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't be there for the one person who actually cared about me.
And I was so lost. I felt like I had no purpose anymore. What was the point in being the best if Lily wasn't there to see it? Why did I even care? Did I even care?
// I've been walking down that line
So I think I'll keep on walking
With my head held high //
All I want to do is just stop everything around me. I don't have a purpose, so really, I'm not living anymore. I'm just kind of there.
And I don't how much longer I can do that.
// I'll keep moving on and only God knows why
Only God...only God
Only God knows why //
// I've been sittin' here
Tryin' to find myself //
I looked at the phone. It was beeping loudly because I still hadn't hung the damn receiver up. I wasn't even sure I could move. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.
They couldn't be right. It didn't happen. I was going to wake up at any moment and realize that it had all been a dream. What my family told me totally changed my life. Nothing would ever be the same if they were right.
The incessant beeping finally got to me. Instead of hanging it up like a normal person, I reacted like I normally do to stuff that really pisses me off. Violently. I tore the phone off of its hook and threw it across the room into the wall.
// I get behind myself
I need to rewind myself //
"You okay?" Ivory asked me asked she rushed into the room.
I looked blankly at her. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that!" Ivory exclaimed, pointing at the hole in the wall. The hole from where I had thrown the phone. "I heard the crash from down the hall."
"I got some news," I answered.
"I'm guessing it was bad," Ivory said, sympathy on her voice. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really," I answered.
"I'm here if you need a shoulder or whatever," Ivory said, smiling sweetly.
"Thanks," I said.
// Lookin' for the payback
Listen for the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me //
I walked down to the ring, ready to kick some ass. Maybe it would help me release some of my anguish. Anguish is a funny word. It's like anger and extinguish together. But anguish sure as hell doesn't extinguish any of my anger.
I stare down Trish Stratus. Lucky bitch, she's going to get another ass- whooping courtesy of me.
"Bring it at me bitch," I said to her, so just she could hear me. "I'm ready to make you feel like a weak little bitch."
Fire burned through her eyes before she leaped at me and attacked me. I sure hoped she brought everything she's got, because I'm hoping for a good fight.
// And now I feel like number one
Yet I'm last in life //
I heard the bell ring. There hadn't been a damn pin yet, how could the bell ring. I looked down to see Trish crumpled in the middle of the ring. She wasn't moving much.
"Shit," I muttered to myself. I turned around, leaving the woman lying the center of the ring.
I walked to the back, shaking my head at myself. I didn't mind bringing emotions into the ring, but the girl didn't deserve that. I don't like her, but I know she works hard. She wants to be a good wrestler. More than I can say for those two ex-WCW girls…Torrie and Stacy.
They probably don't have any idea what pain is. What gut wrenching, crushing pain is. But, they are beautiful and everything was handed to them on a silver platter.
// I watch my younger son
And it helps to pass the time //
"What the hell were you doing?" an enraged Jeff Hardy exclaimed as he burst into my dressing room.
"Boy, if you don't think I can whoop your ass then you've got another thing coming," I said, continuing to towel the sweat off of myself.
"Why did you do that to Trish?" Jeff asked. "What the hell has she ever done to you? Why do you keep tormenting her?"
"Why do you care?" I asked him, not wanting to have to explain anything. "Isn't she Rocky's little woman?"
"Trish and I are friends," Jeff said. "So I'm going to warn you as her friend, the next time you do that to Trish is when you're going to find yourself in a match against me."
"I'm shaking in my boots," I said. "Just leave."
// I take too many pills it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple of dollar bills still I feel the same //
I walked over to my mirror after I took my shower and looked in the mirror. No, I wasn't beautiful, at least not like the other girls in the Federation. Of course, I was the strongest. And the most talented. Only Jackie, Ivory, and Molly even came close to my talent. And they were still pretty much a world behind me.
It's not that I'm conceited. I just worked my ass off to become the best female wrestler in the world. My sister had helped me to pay for my training and I promised her that I would be the best. My sister always believed in me.
I wondered if any of the other Divas thought I knew what pain was. I seemed so impassive all of the time. Even when I was angry, I kept myself under control.
But now I was furious and I had a feeling it would be harder to keep a hold on my emotions. That could only mean trouble.
// Everybody knows my name
They say it way out loud //
"Jazz, last week you really did a number on Trish," Michael Cole said, approaching me backstage with a microphone and a camera.
"I don't want to talk about it," I said, walking past him.
"But Jazz," Michael said, running after me. "You have a rematch tonight. Will you go easy on Trish this time."
I whirled around and took him up by his shirt and shoved him against a wall. "What part of 'I don't want to talk about it' don't you understand?"
"Um, sorry," Michael said, fear obvious in his eyes.
I released him and walked away. No one else could tell, but I was disgusted with myself.
// A lot of folks fuck with me
It's hard to hang out in crowds //
"You don't drink," Ivory said as she dropped next to me at the bar in the hotel.
"I do tonight," I replied, taking another drink from the beer I had ordered.
"Have something to forget Jazz?" she asked.
"Leave it alone," I said, a dangerous edge to my voice.
"You don't have to tell me twice," Ivory said.
We both turned at a loud laugh from a booth in the corner. We saw Stacy trying to pull Torrie from the booth. "C'mon Tor, it's time for bed."
"Aw, Stace," Torrie giggled, "I'm having so much fun."
// I guess that's the price you pay
To be some big shot like I am
Outstretched hands and one night stands //
Stacy looked around the bar and her eyes settled on us. "Can you guys help me please?"
"Yeah sure," Ivory said, getting out of her seat. I followed suit.
"Thanks," Stacy said gratefully. "Mr. McMahon said she would be fired if she got plastered like this and he had to deal with hotel management."
"She does this a lot?" I asked.
"I guess," Stacy shrugged.
"Well, lets get her upstairs," I said, hefting her into my arms.
// Still I can't find love
And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around //
I helped Stacy get Torrie into bed and then I walked to my room alone. I had helped a drunk get into bed too many times in my life.
First it had been my mother. I was about ten when I realized that when she came home, hobbling and swaying crazily, she had been drinking. By the time I was sixteen that was the story about four or five nights a week.
Then, after Momma died from a liver disorder, it had been just me and Lily, my older sister. Lily was fine until her husband left her for her best friend. Of course she married him when she was seventeen. She had been pregnant at the time, but he threw her down the stairs one night, after he had come home high.
Then Lily started taking after Momma.
// And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around //
Lily was my hero when I was little. She was so beautiful. Everyone loved Lily and she was never mean. Momma liked to play rough when she was drunk, but Lily would keep her from touching me.
But Lily started drinking just as I got involved in wrestling. She wasn't a mean drunk like Momma. She even realized she was starting to drink too much and she started doing the whole AA thing. I tried to make sure everything was going okay.
It was hard, me traveling all over the country and Lily back at home, taking care of Grannie. But as far as I knew, Lily was doing just fine. I was sending money home and I was calling every day.
// People don't know about the things I say and do
They don't understand about the shit that I've been through //
And now she was gone. Grannie said that the doctors found high levels of heroin in her blood. Lily was doing drugs. It didn't seem right that beautiful Lily would waste her life on drugs. She had so much going for her. She was smart, friendly, and so pretty.
I guess looks aren't all there is to life. It's easy to think it is when you don't look like the beautiful people. It's easy to think the key to having a good life is to be gorgeous. Maybe if I thought about it a little more I would have realized it's just as hard to be pretty.
But it doesn't change the fact that Lily is gone and I didn't stop her. I should have known something was wrong with her. I should have seen that she was doing drugs.
// It's been so long since I've been home
I've been gone....I've been gone for way too long //
The funeral was hell. I was glad I was only home for two days. A day and a half really. My cousins agreed to take care of Grannie and I'll just send them money to take care of her. I really couldn't afford to stop wrestling yet. And I promised Lily I would be the best.
Seeing her dead hit me real hard. I guess I didn't think about how much more real it would make the whole situation. Part of me thought it was a dream still. But beautiful Lily was dead and it was my fault because I wasn't the sister she needed.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to go home again, even to visit Lily.
// Maybe I forgot all things I miss
Oh somehow I know there's more to life than this //
I wrapped tape around my wrist. There was a light knock on the door and I turned to see Trish Stratus coming into the room.
"What the hell do you want?" I asked, angry that she would intrude in my sanctuary.
"I was talking to Ivory," Trish said timidly. "We think something's wrong Jazz. We think you should talk to someone."
"That's fresh," I said, laughing derisively at the blond. "You helping me?"
"Look Jazz, you've been really careless in the ring lately," Trish said. "I don't want to see you or anyone else getting hurt because you're getting sloppy."
// I said it too many times
And I still stand firm
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve //
"You just pay attention to your own wrestling okay?" I asked the blond woman, not expecting an answer.
"Look, I'm coming to you here," Trish said. "I could have gone straight to Ric."
"He would just love to get me out of the WWF wouldn't he?" I asked.
"No he wouldn't," Trish said. "Because you are good. At least, sometimes you are. You're an asset to the company, no matter how much we may dislike you."
"Thanks so much," I said. "But stay out of my business."
"Fine," Trish said. "But if you don't clean up soon I will talk to Flair."
// Still I ain't seen mine
No I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been gettin' //
Trish Stratus was noticing that I was wrestling for shit? Yeah, I knew I let my personal problems interfere with my work, but who the hell doesn't?
And I had real problems. It wasn't that I had broken up with my boyfriend or some ridiculous situation like that. My sister was dead and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't be there for the one person who actually cared about me.
And I was so lost. I felt like I had no purpose anymore. What was the point in being the best if Lily wasn't there to see it? Why did I even care? Did I even care?
// I've been walking down that line
So I think I'll keep on walking
With my head held high //
All I want to do is just stop everything around me. I don't have a purpose, so really, I'm not living anymore. I'm just kind of there.
And I don't how much longer I can do that.
// I'll keep moving on and only God knows why
Only God...only God
Only God knows why //
