Again, these characters are not mine, and neither is the song. It's Linkin Park's "In the End".
Everything I've Known (Part IV)
It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme to explain in due time
Well, I got in. I had to pull the graveyard shift, but hell, it was fine with me. Eddie didn't seem to mind until I told him Gil was the one who got me in. He didn't fret about it too much since it did get everything back to normal. Another good thing was it gave me a chance to see Gil more. I found I was happy again. I was doing something I loved. Every crime was like a puzzle, and I just looked at it as if I were a kid again.
Anyway, like I was saying, everything was going all right until Eddie thought Gil and I were getting too close. He thought I slept with him. Which I had, but definitely not while I was with Eddie. I didn't say that though. I just told Eddie straight out I did not sleep with Gil. Actually, I told him I did not sleep with GRISSOM. That one word made all the difference, and I made absolutely sure I said Grissom.
"Don't lie, Cath." He replied.
All I know, time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away - it's so unreal
He slapped me softly on the face. Just that once. Softly. Almost playfully. I slapped him back, hard as I could, enough to make my own hand sting.
That was the only time he had ever hit me. He was violent, but it was the only time he ever hit me. Ever. Even with our arguments back in the days before Lindsey about money, cocaine, or whatever it was that night, Eddie never hit me. He threw things around the house, but never at me. He never laid an angry hand on me. Well, it was over for that night. He went up to bed, and I slept on the couch, too angry to want to share a bed.
I didn't tell Gil what had happened. I didn't want to drag him into the mess. My mess. He had already done so much, he didn't need this.
And suddenly, everything seemed like normal again. Keyword: seemed. I went to a remote bar on the highway one night on a day off. I didn't exactly want anyone to see me. Not even Gil. I was feeling distant lately, like I didn't know who I was. Lindsey was at my sister's, and I assumed Eddie was off somewhere downtown, drinking himself to oblivion. My mistake.
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
The first thing I saw when I walked into the bar was him. In the back corner. His arms around a woman. They were making out like they were the only people in that whole goddamned bar. I only saw the back of his head, but I was two hundred percent positive it was him. He was wearing the shirt I had given him for Christmas the previous year. The tag was sticking out. His tags were always sticking out. It was his typical characteristic. He was also wearing those damn shoes I kept tripping over every night after work. And his hair was parted the way he always parted it. I could've strangled him right then and there, but I managed to keep my cool. And may I add with difficulty. I stalked out of the bar and drove home without shedding a tear. Without saying a word. Without even thinking about it too much. I just wanted to get home. And wait. Wait for him to step through the door so I could tear him to pieces.
So I waited in the dark. I sat stolid on the couch in the living room, trying to drown myself in Bruce Springsteen, Billy Joel, and Elton John. I didn't cry. I was too frustrated and angry to cry. Frustrated that I hadn't seen this coming earlier. And angry, obviously, at Eddie. And what made me even more angry was that I knew he was trying to take revenge on me because I supposedly slept with Gil. We actually had never discussed that topic again, but I knew deep inside he thought he was absolutely correct.
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually
Be a memory of a time when...
He came into house at three in the morning. I could tell by the bounce in his step he had sex. I could always tell. He was my lousy husband after all.
I didn't make a sound. I just sat still there on the couch. I barely moved. Barely blinked. I heard him fumbling in the darkness, probably drunk. The light switched on.
"Jesus Christ, Cath!" He yelled. "You scared the crap outta me. I thought you were in bed! What the hell are you still doing up? Don't you know what time it is?"
He was rambling. He knew I had a bone to pick if I were up that late. He kept talking. I wasn't listening though. I didn't even look at him. I just kept staring at the wall across from me. My mind was going blurry.
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
Where were you, Ed?
"At the - "
Who is she?
"What?"
I asked you a question, and I want an answer. Who the hell is she?
He sat down on the couch beside me, resting his elbows on his knees. He buried his face in his hands.
"Someone I met at the Orpheus." He finally muttered softly. It was like he was afraid of me. He didn't even try to deny it.
What's her name?
"Catherine - "
What in goddamned hell is her name, Ed?
He let out a sharp breath, and ran his hand through his hair.
"Her name's Melanie."
One thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme to remind myself how...
I was silent. But he apparently had a lot to say. A lot he had been holding back.
"Look, Catherine, I would've never been with her if I didn't think you were with Grissom night after night, Jesus Christ!"
But yours were only assumptions, Eddie. I actually saw you. You didn't see Grissom and I together because we never were together.
"Hey, you confronted me about Melanie, and I told you straight out! I'm not denying - "
Because I saw you! There's nothing to deny if I saw you two with my own eyes! That's just fact.
"Then tell me I'm wrong about you and - "
You're wrong! I retorted, finally facing him and looking him in the eye.
He looked back at me. Then, after a moment, he stood up and left, slamming the door quietly behind him. He got into his car, and drove away.
I tried so hard in spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so far
About a week later, I managed to locate him at a motel somewhere. I called him and told him I needed to see him. So, he came. It was raining like hell, but I went out to meet him when he pulled the car up to the curb, and stepped out.
Here, I said, handing him some papers.
"What is it?"
Divorce papers.
"What?"
You cheated on me. I found out. Now, I'm divorcing you. Clear enough?
"What about Lindsey?"
We'll figure out something for Lindsey, and we'll both talk to her in due time.
"I want the house."
It's not for you to want. It's my house.
"It's our house, Catherine."
No, it's my house. I worked my ass off for this house and for you for God knows how many years. I'm staying; you're going.
"You just can't wait to get me out so you can go to Grissom." He sneered.
The only reason I would've ever gone to Grissom if I had, would be because you drove me to him! And you're the one who didn't want to fight for our marriage. We had problems from the beginning, and you didn't try to pull it back together! You ran away!
"Catherine, I - "
You can't just pull me out of your life and throw me away when someone better comes along. You don't even know who I am.
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
He was afraid. For the first time, he was afraid. He was afraid of me. Eddie Willows, the one who managed to bully me into everything and anything, was afraid of me. My words were that strong against him. They had more power than I would've ever thought. And that was all I ever had to do. Tell him off. And yet I never had the guts to do it because I was terrified he would leave me. I should've done it sooner. God, wasted are the days.
You kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually
Be a memory of a time when...
So, Eddie left. He left. And I made sure it was for good. That night, I went over to Gil's place. I didn't want to be alone.
"Hey, Cath." Gil said as he opened the door. "Something wrong?"
Can I crash at your place tonight, Gil?
His smile was worried.
And it was there I cried. I finally let it out. I hadn't shed a tear when I found Eddie at the bar. Not when I confronted him when he came back. Not when I hurled the divorce papers in his face. But now. Here in Gil's arms, I was finally able to let it all out.
Eddie cheated on me.
Gil didn't look surprised. It actually looked like he felt guilty. He didn't answer for some time, and we both sat there in silence.
You knew, I finally said when I figured it out.
He nodded slowly.
Why didn't you tell me?
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
"You seemed so happy. I didn't want to tell you and be the cause of your misery, Cath."
I would've never blamed you. It would've been Eddie.
"But still."
I didn't know whether I should tell Gil about the divorce or not. I didn't feel like it. I was too tired from everything.
"What are you going to do about it?"
I don't know, I lied.
After talking a bit more, I dozed off on the couch. In the middle of the night, I woke up halfway. I could tell Gil was there, but I was too sleepy to fully open my eyes. I felt him carrying me up to his bedroom where he laid me on the bed, and pulled the covers over me. I wasn't sure if it were real, or I was dreaming.
I woke up the next morning and found myself in his bed. I made my way clumsily down the stairs to discover Gil had taken my place on the sofa.
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
Everything I've Known (Part IV)
It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme to explain in due time
Well, I got in. I had to pull the graveyard shift, but hell, it was fine with me. Eddie didn't seem to mind until I told him Gil was the one who got me in. He didn't fret about it too much since it did get everything back to normal. Another good thing was it gave me a chance to see Gil more. I found I was happy again. I was doing something I loved. Every crime was like a puzzle, and I just looked at it as if I were a kid again.
Anyway, like I was saying, everything was going all right until Eddie thought Gil and I were getting too close. He thought I slept with him. Which I had, but definitely not while I was with Eddie. I didn't say that though. I just told Eddie straight out I did not sleep with Gil. Actually, I told him I did not sleep with GRISSOM. That one word made all the difference, and I made absolutely sure I said Grissom.
"Don't lie, Cath." He replied.
All I know, time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away - it's so unreal
He slapped me softly on the face. Just that once. Softly. Almost playfully. I slapped him back, hard as I could, enough to make my own hand sting.
That was the only time he had ever hit me. He was violent, but it was the only time he ever hit me. Ever. Even with our arguments back in the days before Lindsey about money, cocaine, or whatever it was that night, Eddie never hit me. He threw things around the house, but never at me. He never laid an angry hand on me. Well, it was over for that night. He went up to bed, and I slept on the couch, too angry to want to share a bed.
I didn't tell Gil what had happened. I didn't want to drag him into the mess. My mess. He had already done so much, he didn't need this.
And suddenly, everything seemed like normal again. Keyword: seemed. I went to a remote bar on the highway one night on a day off. I didn't exactly want anyone to see me. Not even Gil. I was feeling distant lately, like I didn't know who I was. Lindsey was at my sister's, and I assumed Eddie was off somewhere downtown, drinking himself to oblivion. My mistake.
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
The first thing I saw when I walked into the bar was him. In the back corner. His arms around a woman. They were making out like they were the only people in that whole goddamned bar. I only saw the back of his head, but I was two hundred percent positive it was him. He was wearing the shirt I had given him for Christmas the previous year. The tag was sticking out. His tags were always sticking out. It was his typical characteristic. He was also wearing those damn shoes I kept tripping over every night after work. And his hair was parted the way he always parted it. I could've strangled him right then and there, but I managed to keep my cool. And may I add with difficulty. I stalked out of the bar and drove home without shedding a tear. Without saying a word. Without even thinking about it too much. I just wanted to get home. And wait. Wait for him to step through the door so I could tear him to pieces.
So I waited in the dark. I sat stolid on the couch in the living room, trying to drown myself in Bruce Springsteen, Billy Joel, and Elton John. I didn't cry. I was too frustrated and angry to cry. Frustrated that I hadn't seen this coming earlier. And angry, obviously, at Eddie. And what made me even more angry was that I knew he was trying to take revenge on me because I supposedly slept with Gil. We actually had never discussed that topic again, but I knew deep inside he thought he was absolutely correct.
I kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually
Be a memory of a time when...
He came into house at three in the morning. I could tell by the bounce in his step he had sex. I could always tell. He was my lousy husband after all.
I didn't make a sound. I just sat still there on the couch. I barely moved. Barely blinked. I heard him fumbling in the darkness, probably drunk. The light switched on.
"Jesus Christ, Cath!" He yelled. "You scared the crap outta me. I thought you were in bed! What the hell are you still doing up? Don't you know what time it is?"
He was rambling. He knew I had a bone to pick if I were up that late. He kept talking. I wasn't listening though. I didn't even look at him. I just kept staring at the wall across from me. My mind was going blurry.
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
Where were you, Ed?
"At the - "
Who is she?
"What?"
I asked you a question, and I want an answer. Who the hell is she?
He sat down on the couch beside me, resting his elbows on his knees. He buried his face in his hands.
"Someone I met at the Orpheus." He finally muttered softly. It was like he was afraid of me. He didn't even try to deny it.
What's her name?
"Catherine - "
What in goddamned hell is her name, Ed?
He let out a sharp breath, and ran his hand through his hair.
"Her name's Melanie."
One thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme to remind myself how...
I was silent. But he apparently had a lot to say. A lot he had been holding back.
"Look, Catherine, I would've never been with her if I didn't think you were with Grissom night after night, Jesus Christ!"
But yours were only assumptions, Eddie. I actually saw you. You didn't see Grissom and I together because we never were together.
"Hey, you confronted me about Melanie, and I told you straight out! I'm not denying - "
Because I saw you! There's nothing to deny if I saw you two with my own eyes! That's just fact.
"Then tell me I'm wrong about you and - "
You're wrong! I retorted, finally facing him and looking him in the eye.
He looked back at me. Then, after a moment, he stood up and left, slamming the door quietly behind him. He got into his car, and drove away.
I tried so hard in spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so far
About a week later, I managed to locate him at a motel somewhere. I called him and told him I needed to see him. So, he came. It was raining like hell, but I went out to meet him when he pulled the car up to the curb, and stepped out.
Here, I said, handing him some papers.
"What is it?"
Divorce papers.
"What?"
You cheated on me. I found out. Now, I'm divorcing you. Clear enough?
"What about Lindsey?"
We'll figure out something for Lindsey, and we'll both talk to her in due time.
"I want the house."
It's not for you to want. It's my house.
"It's our house, Catherine."
No, it's my house. I worked my ass off for this house and for you for God knows how many years. I'm staying; you're going.
"You just can't wait to get me out so you can go to Grissom." He sneered.
The only reason I would've ever gone to Grissom if I had, would be because you drove me to him! And you're the one who didn't want to fight for our marriage. We had problems from the beginning, and you didn't try to pull it back together! You ran away!
"Catherine, I - "
You can't just pull me out of your life and throw me away when someone better comes along. You don't even know who I am.
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
He was afraid. For the first time, he was afraid. He was afraid of me. Eddie Willows, the one who managed to bully me into everything and anything, was afraid of me. My words were that strong against him. They had more power than I would've ever thought. And that was all I ever had to do. Tell him off. And yet I never had the guts to do it because I was terrified he would leave me. I should've done it sooner. God, wasted are the days.
You kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually
Be a memory of a time when...
So, Eddie left. He left. And I made sure it was for good. That night, I went over to Gil's place. I didn't want to be alone.
"Hey, Cath." Gil said as he opened the door. "Something wrong?"
Can I crash at your place tonight, Gil?
His smile was worried.
And it was there I cried. I finally let it out. I hadn't shed a tear when I found Eddie at the bar. Not when I confronted him when he came back. Not when I hurled the divorce papers in his face. But now. Here in Gil's arms, I was finally able to let it all out.
Eddie cheated on me.
Gil didn't look surprised. It actually looked like he felt guilty. He didn't answer for some time, and we both sat there in silence.
You knew, I finally said when I figured it out.
He nodded slowly.
Why didn't you tell me?
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
"You seemed so happy. I didn't want to tell you and be the cause of your misery, Cath."
I would've never blamed you. It would've been Eddie.
"But still."
I didn't know whether I should tell Gil about the divorce or not. I didn't feel like it. I was too tired from everything.
"What are you going to do about it?"
I don't know, I lied.
After talking a bit more, I dozed off on the couch. In the middle of the night, I woke up halfway. I could tell Gil was there, but I was too sleepy to fully open my eyes. I felt him carrying me up to his bedroom where he laid me on the bed, and pulled the covers over me. I wasn't sure if it were real, or I was dreaming.
I woke up the next morning and found myself in his bed. I made my way clumsily down the stairs to discover Gil had taken my place on the sofa.
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know
I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
