The characters aren't mine, and neither is the song. It's Hoobastank's "Crawling in the Dark".




Everything I've Known (Part V)




i will dedicate and sacrifice my everything
for just a second's worth of how my story's ending
and i wish i could know
if the directions that i take
and all the choices that i make
won't end up all for nothing




After that, I drifted from my personal life. I stuck to my job like superglue. I never talked to Grissom about anything other than work again. I just merely told him I was divorcing Eddie. Grissom tried speaking to me numerous times about stuff, but I kept pushing him away. I started calling him Grissom, as you probably noticed. And I don't really even know why.

I just needed to figure things out on my own. For so long, I've been overshadowed and hidden by other people. I let them push me around and manipulate me until I have no goddamned clue who the hell I am. I'm just sick and tired of some else's thoughts in my head. I want some of my own for God's sake. I need to be on my own. I mean, hell, I've been on my own since I was sixteen, but it was different. That was physically on my own, now that I've let go of Eddie, I needed to be independent mentally, emotionally. I needed to free myself from everyone's cage.




show me what it's for
make me understand it
i've been crawling in the dark
looking for the answer
is there something more than what i've been handed?
i've been crawling in the dark
looking for the answer




I needed to find myself in all this world's mess, and figure out how I fit into the big picture. I just wanted everybody to leave me alone. The more I pulled away, the more everyone kept closing on me, asking me every time we met if I were all right now that Eddie was gone. Screw Eddie. He had nothing to do with it.

This was all me. All my doing. And I loved it. I loved to think for myself without having to prove bull to anybody. To win someone's damned approval. The only approval I needed was my own, and I had it. I didn't need someone's approval to find the worth I already had in myself. It's just that nobody saw it. And for some time, I didn't see it either. The men at the strip club just blinded me. Convinced me I was worthless. That I was just flesh and bones. That I had nothing of value inside of me.

Then I met Grissom. He changed all that. He reminded me of my intellectual, unyielding, determined, steely side that had arrived at Las Vegas at age sixteen on my own. I had been on my own then, flying from the coop. I can be on my own now, fighting against the storm. He changed my total perspective on everything.




help me carry on
assure me it's okay to
use my heart and not my eyes
to navigate the darkness
will the ending be ever coming suddenly?
will i ever get to see the ending to my story?




But then I met Eddie. I guess Grissom's belief in me and my belief in myself just disintegrated. Everything I had ever stood up for just went away. I'm pathetic, I know. It's just I've never been able to truly face a man before and tell him off. Well, at least not someone I knew personally. Random men at the strip club, a cinch. But men I actually knew, now that's something different.

My dad for instance. I could never look him in the eye and tell him straight out I wasn't going to let him step on me anymore. Whenever we argued, I always was the first to back down. I hated that, but I couldn't do anything about it. It killed me. I hated that. It felt like he could always melt my courage, dignity, pride, and poise into a compost heap with just one of his looks. And I'm not talking about some hard staring contest. Even his simple everyday kind of glance could dissolve all my words and emotions I had wanted to hurl at him every time I saw his face. Goddamn. To this day, I bet you the world I still can't face him down. That's the way things are. To my mother, this was how there was harmony in the house. My dad rules me and I abide.




show me what it's for
make me understand it
i've been crawling in the dark
looking for the answer
is there something more than what i've been handed?
i've been crawling in the dark
looking for the answer




Eddie, exhibit B, ladies and gentlemen. I could barely challenge him that day, standing on the lawn in the pouring rain, handing him the divorce papers. I could've collapsed, but I knew I had to do it for the sake of my daughter. I listened to him to a fault. I was just afraid he would leave. Turns out I left him. Oh, the irony of it all. Well, at least I showed him I could be stronger. I turned him into a wishy-washy, spineless seven year old scared to hell about the boogey monster. I guess I just needed a bad relationship to really shake me up and show me how much I've got in me.

I had known it all along I was worth just as much as those bastards at the strip club and Eddie, but I just couldn't see clearly. My fault. I let them blind me. And they did a damn good job, I'll give them that. Lousy bastards.




how much further do i have to go?
how much longer until i finally know?
because i'm looking
and i just can't see what's in front of me
in front of me




I pushed Grissom away. I didn't mean to. I guess we both realized things had changed. A lot. I never meant that to happen. I always wanted to tell him, apologize how things had turned out, but I could never find the right time. The right words to use.

I still wanted him. It's just after the divorce, everything was turned upside down so dramatically, I had to spend every hour of every day picking up the pieces of my former life. And now that all aspects are finally set in order again, I didn't think Grissom wanted to have anything to do with me. I kept getting mixed signals. And I didn't know what to do with them.

Hello, I said semi-enthusiastically as I knocked on the open door of his office.

"Hey." He spun around. He was fixing his tie. "Nice tan."

Nice suit.

"Yeah, well, I knew you were coming back today, so I dressed up." He replied matter-of-factly with a rare smirk playing across his face. He sat down with in open book.

Yeah, right, I said sarcastically with a smile of my own.

"Really." He insisted.

I gave him the once-over, and raised my eyebrows almost involuntarily. It was uncommon to see him in a suit. But the few and far between times were always enjoyable. The last time I had seen him in a suit was the day he returned to Las Vegas. That day in front of the French Palace. Since then, I had hardly ever seen him in a suit.

"What?" He noticed my intent, day-dreamy stare.

Nothing, I answered anxiously, suddenly aware I was standing in his office again, It's just...unusual to...see you dressed...like that.

"I had to go to the chief's funeral." He finally admitted.

Missed me that much, huh?




show me what it's for
make me understand it
i've been crawling in the dark
looking for the answer
is there something more than what i've been handed?
i've been crawling in the dark
looking for the answer