*** Sorry for the delay on this one. My Jazz muse doesn't come around too
often and I was having a hard time getting her to stop being so rebellious.
I hope you all like this chapter. I use "Angel Standing By" by Jewel. ***
// All through the night I'll be standing over you //
I never liked the woman. She wasn't exactly personable. Her attitude really sucked. And she started out her career in the WWF by attacking some of my friends. Trish really hated her. I really couldn't blame her. The woman smashed her hand in a trunk. It actually reminded me of when Regal went after me with those ridiculous brass knuckles.
To be fair, I didn't really know her when I decided that I didn't like her. I just thought she was this aggressive, ridiculous woman who purposely preyed on people who were weaker than her. I let what other people said about her influence me. Not exactly the mark of a good, open-minded person.
God only knows what she thought about me. Near the end, I was getting pretty crazy. It was like I was targeting Regal for awhile there. And then I went after Kurt Angle. You have to be all kinds of idiot to do that. Sure, I got the better of him in the hair vs. hair match, but most of the time it was me who ended up hurting. And Kurt usually has the ability to block out personal problems when he wrestles. The hair vs. hair match was one of the few exceptions I can think of and then he was worried about someone, but God knows who. Any other time he wasn't focused on his wrestling it usually had something to do with Stephanie McMahon.
But she put that all aside and she helped me. She helped me when I couldn't even admit that I needed help. She forced me to put aside all of my assumptions and stupidities. She showed me what a real friend is.
// All through the night I'll be watching over you //
"What the hell do you want?" I asked as I opened my hotel room door.
"What did you do to her you asshole?" Stacy Kiebler asked me as she barged into my hotel room. "Did she overdose or something?"
"I don't know what's wrong with her!" I exclaimed. "She barely did anything tonight."
"But you were the one to give her whatever the hell it is you gave her!" Stacy exclaimed. I could see the anger blazing in her blue eyes. I knew I deserved it. But I sure wasn't going to admit it to her. "If she doesn't get better.I'm coming after you Edge!"
"Whatever," I said, turning my back on her.
"Don't you turn away from me!" Stacy yelled, pounding on my back. I could hear the tears choking in her throat. "You bastard!"
"Stacy! Stop!" a female voice said. Suddenly the leggy blonde was pulled off of me. "What's going on here?"
"Nothing," Stacy said. "I'm going to check on Torrie."
I watched Stacy leave my room and looked at the person who had pulled the woman off of me. She looked at me and asked, "What's wrong with Torrie?"
// And through bad dreams //
"She couldn't play with the big boys," I said, sitting down on the bed and putting my head in my hands.
"Did you?" she asked, not finishing her question. "If you hurt her I swear to God I will make you live to regret it."
"Don't get your panties in a bunch," I said. "Torrie had a little problem with controlled substances."
"Drugs?" she asked. "Torrie has been doing drugs?"
"Yeah," I said. "Don't tell Vince."
"Of course not," she said. She went to the door and shut it behind her. Something about her demeanor changed after she found out Torrie had been doing drugs. She became quiet, kind of thoughtful. "Why is Stacy so mad at you?"
"Because I gave her the drugs," I said. I finally let the guilt I wouldn't let Stacy see break me. I did what I hadn't done since my brother turned on me. I cried.
// I will be right there baby //
"Edge," she said, coming to sit next to me. She ran a hand up and down my back. It was kind of soothing. "You don't need to cry."
"What if something happens to her Jazz?" I asked the woman next to me. "I can't live with myself if something happened to her!"
"Doesn't she have a boyfriend? Doesn't she have a best friend?" Jazz asked. "They should have noticed something was different about her. It's their responsibility."
"But I gave her the drugs," I said.
"Did you force her to take them?" Jazz asked.
"No, but-"
"I don't want to hear buts," Jazz said. "I've had someone close to me OD. I should have noticed something was wrong. But I didn't. It's not your fault. You aren't responsible for making sure she's always safe. She's a big girl."
// Holding your hand //
"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked her, suddenly standing up. "I never should have drawn her in."
"I'm betting she had experimented before she ever met you Edge," Jazz said, just watching me.
"Most people would be mad at me," I told her.
"Oh, I'm mad at you," Jazz said. "But being a bitch about it would most likely send you on a bender and then we'd have another problem to deal with."
"You don't have to baby-sit me," I said.
"I'm not baby-sitting you," she said. "I'm trying to be a friend. You don't seem to have anyone else around."
"I'm scared Jazz," I confessed. "I want to stop."
"Okay," she said, nodding her head.
// Telling you everything is all right //
Jazz had a doctor friend who told Vince that I was hurt and I needed some time off to recover from my injuries. It meant foregoing the King of the Ring, but I didn't care. Seeing Torrie hit rock bottom forced me to admit to myself that drugs weren't an answer to all my problems. They were a problem in and of themselves.
I couldn't exactly check into rehab. But Jazz was legitimately hurt and she offered to take care of me through my rehab. I started attending Narcotics Anonymous. I always thought those support groups were a load of crap. But they really helped. The other people there knew what I was going through. And it helped.
But Jazz was the reason I came through withdrawal in one piece. The whole time she was by my side, telling me that I could do it. I could get through anything if I believed it. And I believed it because she did. But there was something else about her. She seemed determined to help me quit for some reason other than my own well-being. I tried to ask her about it a thousand times but I never could. I knew it had to be something serious though. Something life changing.
// And when you cry //
"Come with me," Jazz said one day. We were at her house. She said she had grown up in the house. It wasn't anything special, but she had done stuff to make it comfortable.
We walked about a mile before we came to a graveyard. She stopped in front of a tombstone that read Lily Grammars. She ran her hand along the top of it.
"Did you know her?" I asked.
"She was my sister," Jazz said. "She overdosed."
"Oh wow," I said, kneeling next to her. I noticed that it hadn't been very long at all since her sister had passed away. "I'm really sorry Jazz."
"Don't be," she said. "It was my fault. I was too focused on me and my stupid career that I didn't see any of the signs."
"Maybe there were none," I said, helpless to offer any comfort to the woman who had been my source of strength.
"Of course there were," she said. "There always are."
"You can't blame yourself," I said.
// I'll be right there //
"What the hell are you talking about?" she asked me. "I sure as hell can blame myself."
"No," I said. "You're the one who told me that no one forced Torrie to take drugs. No one forced your sister to take them either."
"But I should have seen that something was wrong," Jazz said, tears flowing down her cheeks. I had never seen this woman vulnerable. It tore at my heart.
"Maybe nothing was wrong," I said. "Maybe she just liked the way the drugs felt. Nothing was wrong with me."
"Besides the fact that your brother betrayed you," Jazz pointed out.
I sighed as I wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "Maybe something was wrong with me. But Jazz, you can't blame yourself. You would have helped her if you had known. Just like you helped me. Just like you saved me."
// Telling you you're never anything less than beautiful //
"I saved you?" she asked.
"Yeah," I said, holding her closer to me. "I have a feeling I should thank Lily for sending you to me. I'd probably be dead by now if it wasn't for you Jazz."
"Don't say that," she said.
"It's the truth you know," I said. "I wouldn't have asked for help if you hadn't have come into my hotel room that night."
"You would have," Jazz said with certainty.
"Would you have ever told anyone about Lily if you hadn't helped me?" I asked her.
"What?" she asked.
"I'm pretty sure no one knew that you had a sister," I said. "Were you planning on letting this eat at you for the rest of your life?"
"It wasn't eating at me," Jazz said.
"We're closer than that now Jazz," I said.
"Okay, so it was eating at me a little," she admitted. "Because, God, I should have been here."
"You're getting into what ifs there Jazz," I said. "Could you guarantee that if you hadn't been in the WWF that you would have been able to save her? Do you know that you would have known she had been doing drugs?"
"No," Jazz said softly.
"Then why are you beating yourself up?" I asked her.
"I don't know," she admitted.
// So don't you worry //
"God, is that a smile?" I asked Jazz. We were sitting in my dressing room. She was going to make a surprise appearance in the match between Dawn Marie and Stacy.
"Well, I'm looking forward to kicking Dawn Marie's ass," Jazz said. "She always was a bitch."
"I'm happy for you," I said. "And glad that you aren't directing your anger at Trish for awhile."
"She'll get her turn," Jazz said. But her tone wasn't near as vindictive as it had been when she had talked about Dawn Marie. We had both heard the rumors that Trish had been going through eating disorders. "I'll let her and her little boyfriend breathe easily for a bit."
"That's kind of you," I said.
"People are going to wonder what you're doing hanging out with me," Jazz said.
"Let them wonder," I said. "You're a wonderful woman Jazz."
"You're helping me to believe it," Jazz said.
"I'm glad I could do something for you," I said.
"You've done a lot," she said. She reached out and squeezed my hand before she left the dressing room.
// I'm your angel //
Things didn't get romantic between Jazz and I. But neither of us really needed to be involved in a relationship. We just needed someone we could depend on. Someone we knew would be there if we ever stumbled.
I know now that you can't judge people without getting to know them. And I know that everyone hides things, especially when they have tough exteriors. I know that I did help Jazz battle some of her demons. I know that we gave each other chances to believe in life and second chances.
I still worry about her. I know that she might still blame herself for what happened to her sister. But she seems more light-hearted. She even started making friends with some of the other Divas. One day she will forgive herself completely for not being there. For now, she's well on her way. And we are both better people because of it.
// Standing by //
// All through the night I'll be standing over you //
I never liked the woman. She wasn't exactly personable. Her attitude really sucked. And she started out her career in the WWF by attacking some of my friends. Trish really hated her. I really couldn't blame her. The woman smashed her hand in a trunk. It actually reminded me of when Regal went after me with those ridiculous brass knuckles.
To be fair, I didn't really know her when I decided that I didn't like her. I just thought she was this aggressive, ridiculous woman who purposely preyed on people who were weaker than her. I let what other people said about her influence me. Not exactly the mark of a good, open-minded person.
God only knows what she thought about me. Near the end, I was getting pretty crazy. It was like I was targeting Regal for awhile there. And then I went after Kurt Angle. You have to be all kinds of idiot to do that. Sure, I got the better of him in the hair vs. hair match, but most of the time it was me who ended up hurting. And Kurt usually has the ability to block out personal problems when he wrestles. The hair vs. hair match was one of the few exceptions I can think of and then he was worried about someone, but God knows who. Any other time he wasn't focused on his wrestling it usually had something to do with Stephanie McMahon.
But she put that all aside and she helped me. She helped me when I couldn't even admit that I needed help. She forced me to put aside all of my assumptions and stupidities. She showed me what a real friend is.
// All through the night I'll be watching over you //
"What the hell do you want?" I asked as I opened my hotel room door.
"What did you do to her you asshole?" Stacy Kiebler asked me as she barged into my hotel room. "Did she overdose or something?"
"I don't know what's wrong with her!" I exclaimed. "She barely did anything tonight."
"But you were the one to give her whatever the hell it is you gave her!" Stacy exclaimed. I could see the anger blazing in her blue eyes. I knew I deserved it. But I sure wasn't going to admit it to her. "If she doesn't get better.I'm coming after you Edge!"
"Whatever," I said, turning my back on her.
"Don't you turn away from me!" Stacy yelled, pounding on my back. I could hear the tears choking in her throat. "You bastard!"
"Stacy! Stop!" a female voice said. Suddenly the leggy blonde was pulled off of me. "What's going on here?"
"Nothing," Stacy said. "I'm going to check on Torrie."
I watched Stacy leave my room and looked at the person who had pulled the woman off of me. She looked at me and asked, "What's wrong with Torrie?"
// And through bad dreams //
"She couldn't play with the big boys," I said, sitting down on the bed and putting my head in my hands.
"Did you?" she asked, not finishing her question. "If you hurt her I swear to God I will make you live to regret it."
"Don't get your panties in a bunch," I said. "Torrie had a little problem with controlled substances."
"Drugs?" she asked. "Torrie has been doing drugs?"
"Yeah," I said. "Don't tell Vince."
"Of course not," she said. She went to the door and shut it behind her. Something about her demeanor changed after she found out Torrie had been doing drugs. She became quiet, kind of thoughtful. "Why is Stacy so mad at you?"
"Because I gave her the drugs," I said. I finally let the guilt I wouldn't let Stacy see break me. I did what I hadn't done since my brother turned on me. I cried.
// I will be right there baby //
"Edge," she said, coming to sit next to me. She ran a hand up and down my back. It was kind of soothing. "You don't need to cry."
"What if something happens to her Jazz?" I asked the woman next to me. "I can't live with myself if something happened to her!"
"Doesn't she have a boyfriend? Doesn't she have a best friend?" Jazz asked. "They should have noticed something was different about her. It's their responsibility."
"But I gave her the drugs," I said.
"Did you force her to take them?" Jazz asked.
"No, but-"
"I don't want to hear buts," Jazz said. "I've had someone close to me OD. I should have noticed something was wrong. But I didn't. It's not your fault. You aren't responsible for making sure she's always safe. She's a big girl."
// Holding your hand //
"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked her, suddenly standing up. "I never should have drawn her in."
"I'm betting she had experimented before she ever met you Edge," Jazz said, just watching me.
"Most people would be mad at me," I told her.
"Oh, I'm mad at you," Jazz said. "But being a bitch about it would most likely send you on a bender and then we'd have another problem to deal with."
"You don't have to baby-sit me," I said.
"I'm not baby-sitting you," she said. "I'm trying to be a friend. You don't seem to have anyone else around."
"I'm scared Jazz," I confessed. "I want to stop."
"Okay," she said, nodding her head.
// Telling you everything is all right //
Jazz had a doctor friend who told Vince that I was hurt and I needed some time off to recover from my injuries. It meant foregoing the King of the Ring, but I didn't care. Seeing Torrie hit rock bottom forced me to admit to myself that drugs weren't an answer to all my problems. They were a problem in and of themselves.
I couldn't exactly check into rehab. But Jazz was legitimately hurt and she offered to take care of me through my rehab. I started attending Narcotics Anonymous. I always thought those support groups were a load of crap. But they really helped. The other people there knew what I was going through. And it helped.
But Jazz was the reason I came through withdrawal in one piece. The whole time she was by my side, telling me that I could do it. I could get through anything if I believed it. And I believed it because she did. But there was something else about her. She seemed determined to help me quit for some reason other than my own well-being. I tried to ask her about it a thousand times but I never could. I knew it had to be something serious though. Something life changing.
// And when you cry //
"Come with me," Jazz said one day. We were at her house. She said she had grown up in the house. It wasn't anything special, but she had done stuff to make it comfortable.
We walked about a mile before we came to a graveyard. She stopped in front of a tombstone that read Lily Grammars. She ran her hand along the top of it.
"Did you know her?" I asked.
"She was my sister," Jazz said. "She overdosed."
"Oh wow," I said, kneeling next to her. I noticed that it hadn't been very long at all since her sister had passed away. "I'm really sorry Jazz."
"Don't be," she said. "It was my fault. I was too focused on me and my stupid career that I didn't see any of the signs."
"Maybe there were none," I said, helpless to offer any comfort to the woman who had been my source of strength.
"Of course there were," she said. "There always are."
"You can't blame yourself," I said.
// I'll be right there //
"What the hell are you talking about?" she asked me. "I sure as hell can blame myself."
"No," I said. "You're the one who told me that no one forced Torrie to take drugs. No one forced your sister to take them either."
"But I should have seen that something was wrong," Jazz said, tears flowing down her cheeks. I had never seen this woman vulnerable. It tore at my heart.
"Maybe nothing was wrong," I said. "Maybe she just liked the way the drugs felt. Nothing was wrong with me."
"Besides the fact that your brother betrayed you," Jazz pointed out.
I sighed as I wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "Maybe something was wrong with me. But Jazz, you can't blame yourself. You would have helped her if you had known. Just like you helped me. Just like you saved me."
// Telling you you're never anything less than beautiful //
"I saved you?" she asked.
"Yeah," I said, holding her closer to me. "I have a feeling I should thank Lily for sending you to me. I'd probably be dead by now if it wasn't for you Jazz."
"Don't say that," she said.
"It's the truth you know," I said. "I wouldn't have asked for help if you hadn't have come into my hotel room that night."
"You would have," Jazz said with certainty.
"Would you have ever told anyone about Lily if you hadn't helped me?" I asked her.
"What?" she asked.
"I'm pretty sure no one knew that you had a sister," I said. "Were you planning on letting this eat at you for the rest of your life?"
"It wasn't eating at me," Jazz said.
"We're closer than that now Jazz," I said.
"Okay, so it was eating at me a little," she admitted. "Because, God, I should have been here."
"You're getting into what ifs there Jazz," I said. "Could you guarantee that if you hadn't been in the WWF that you would have been able to save her? Do you know that you would have known she had been doing drugs?"
"No," Jazz said softly.
"Then why are you beating yourself up?" I asked her.
"I don't know," she admitted.
// So don't you worry //
"God, is that a smile?" I asked Jazz. We were sitting in my dressing room. She was going to make a surprise appearance in the match between Dawn Marie and Stacy.
"Well, I'm looking forward to kicking Dawn Marie's ass," Jazz said. "She always was a bitch."
"I'm happy for you," I said. "And glad that you aren't directing your anger at Trish for awhile."
"She'll get her turn," Jazz said. But her tone wasn't near as vindictive as it had been when she had talked about Dawn Marie. We had both heard the rumors that Trish had been going through eating disorders. "I'll let her and her little boyfriend breathe easily for a bit."
"That's kind of you," I said.
"People are going to wonder what you're doing hanging out with me," Jazz said.
"Let them wonder," I said. "You're a wonderful woman Jazz."
"You're helping me to believe it," Jazz said.
"I'm glad I could do something for you," I said.
"You've done a lot," she said. She reached out and squeezed my hand before she left the dressing room.
// I'm your angel //
Things didn't get romantic between Jazz and I. But neither of us really needed to be involved in a relationship. We just needed someone we could depend on. Someone we knew would be there if we ever stumbled.
I know now that you can't judge people without getting to know them. And I know that everyone hides things, especially when they have tough exteriors. I know that I did help Jazz battle some of her demons. I know that we gave each other chances to believe in life and second chances.
I still worry about her. I know that she might still blame herself for what happened to her sister. But she seems more light-hearted. She even started making friends with some of the other Divas. One day she will forgive herself completely for not being there. For now, she's well on her way. And we are both better people because of it.
// Standing by //
