*** The song is "Colorblind" by Counting Crows. ***
// I am colorblind Coffee black and egg white //
The night she came to me, I had never been more terrified in my life. Ever. She was bruised and broken. I could see the signs of her brokenness written all over her face. This woman was supposed to be witty, smart, and confident. She was not supposed to be crying.
But she came to me. I am glad she came to me. At least I finally knew what was going on between her and Rob, as sick as it made me. As much as it made me want to kill the cocky bastard. But I kept that to myself. It wouldn't help Stacy to see my disgust with the man she had loved, despite his cruelty.
So I took her in that night. Luckily I was rooming with Jericho and he never comes back to the room. I was able to stay up with her all night, I was able to hold her while she cried. I was able to assure her that Rob was the one in the wrong, not her. Not that it did any good at first. She was the typical victim of abuse. She wasn't able to see that she didn't deserve to be hit and degraded, especially not by the man who professed to love her.
For the first month or two, Stacy was slowly but surely building up a wall around herself. She was so hurt by the way Rob had dumped her. It was impossible for her to trust many people at all. The only people she spent significant amounts of time with were Torrie and I.
// Pull me out from inside //
Since Torrie was in the middle of her own problems, Stacy needed someone to room with. I wasn't willing to let her room alone, because I didn't know if Rob might come after her again. She didn't really get along with any of the other women. They either thought she was an airhead or a slut. She's neither. She is smart and thinks well on her feet. And the only man in the Federation she had been with was Rob, no matter how many guys might have said they had been with her.
I didn't have a problem rooming with Stacy. I think it made her feel a little more comfortable too. She knew that she wouldn't have to explain bad dreams to me if they woke us up in the middle of the night. She knew I would hold her when she needed it. She knew I would always be there for her.
It killed me though. I was there for every nightmare. I was there every time something reminded her of Rob and reopened every wound she had so desperately fought to close. Very few things could penetrate her emotional wall, and Rob Van Dam was definitely one of those things.
// I am ready I am ready //
It was no huge secret that I liked Stacy. She is a gorgeous woman, but that wasn't what I was attracted to. It was her smile that first caught me. The way her whole face was a part of her smile. Her eyes would light up and her whole face would seem lighter than it had been just a second earlier.
After Rob threw her out, that smile didn't come around too often. There would be sad little imitations of her smile, but not the wholehearted smile that I was so drawn to. It became my mission to cause her to smile like that again. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I liked this woman.
Why be cautious? I loved that woman. We got to know each other in the Alliance, before her and Rob became serious. She was funny, smart, and a great listener. Seeing her hurt whenever Rob was short with her broke my heart. And when she showed up at my room, it was a turning point for me. For the first time in my life, I was more concerned about another person than I was about myself.
// I am ready I am //
"Hey Stace," I said when I walked into the room we were sharing. "You won't believe what I just saw."
"What?" Stacy asked, looking up at me. There was a smile tugging at her lips. She did that when people she cared about walked into rooms. I saw that instinct to smile whenever Torrie walked into the room.
"I saw Jazz and Edge having dinner downstairs," I said. "First Shane and Lita, I've seen Matt Hardy spending so much time with Stephanie McMahon, can things get weirder?"
"Don't forget Molly and Kurt hanging out from time to time," Stacy reminded her. Something about her demeanor had changed.
"What is it?" I asked her.
"Nothing," she said, shaking her head.
"Stacy, I know you," I said. "Something is bugging you."
"Edge was a druggie Christian," Stacy said softly. "Jazz is the one who helped him get over it."
"How can you say something like that about my brother?" I asked, feeling horror over her revelation. It couldn't be true. Edge had always been the solid one.
"It was right after Torrie overdosed that he got some help," Stacy said. "He came and told me. And he apologized to Torrie."
// Taffy stuck and tongue tied Stutter shook and uptight //
"I don't believe you," I sputtered.
"How can you not believe me?" Stacy asked.
"What are you talking about?" I asked her, surprised at the sadness in her brown eyes.
"You were the only one who would have believed that Rob was hitting me, hurting me whenever he could," Stacy said, her voice sad. "And you won't believe me when I tell you something about your brother. Something that might force you to talk to him."
"You want me to talk to Edge?" I asked her.
"You've done so much for me Christian," Stacy said. "You've really been my rock. You are the only reason I didn't go crawling back to Rob, asking for him to hurt me more."
"How does me talking to Edge make you happy?" I asked her.
"Because it will make you happy," Stacy said simply.
// Pull me out from inside //
So I went to talk to Edge. I told him I knew about the drugs and I knew he was working on staying clean. He told me that he was sorry he hadn't seen that I needed to have someone believe in me. I told him that I wouldn't intentionally hurt him anymore and I would be there for him if he happened to need me.
"Thanks bro," Edge said, genuinely shocked at my offer. "Why did you come?"
"Because of Stacy," I told him honestly. I hadn't spoken to him for months, I wasn't going to screw it up right off the bat with a lie. "She thought it would make me happy."
"What's going on with you and Stacy?" he asked. "I mean you don't seem romantic, but you guys stay together."
"She needed someone to lean on and I happened to be the one she chose," I said.
"And you love her," Edge said. "Don't deny it. It's written on your face."
"I won't deny it," I said. "She's wonderful."
"So tell her," Edge said.
"I can't," I told him.
// I am ready I am ready //
It was true. The last person that had told Stacy that he loved her had beat her mercilessly. And the psychological abuse was horrible. She withdrew from physical contact with most people. She didn't go out after shows. She booked flights that she wouldn't have to be with anyone she didn't trust. She wore baggy clothes away from work.
If I told her I loved her, it might set her back. I refused to cause her pain. I refused to be the one to make her cry. I was the one who loved her. I wouldn't torture her. I wouldn't say something I knew would hurt her.
And I was convinced she still loved Rob.
// I am ready I am Fine //
I was walking out of Edge's dressing room and I saw something that stilled my blood. Stacy was pressed against a wall, looking like she would sink into it if she could. And Rob was standing so close to her. Her body screamed to me that she was afraid. Every muscle in her body seemed taut with fear. I felt rage course through me.
I walked down the hall, very quickly. "Get the hell away from her."
"Christian, this is really none of your business," he said, looking at me as if I was nothing.
"Rob, leave me alone," Stacy said firmly. "You don't love me. You never did."
"Of course I love you baby," Rob said, lifting his hand to caress her face. She flinched away from his touch. "Don't do that!"
"I will never be with you again Rob," Stacy said. "And it is Christian's business. He was the one who helped me to see what you are. All you are is a weak man who thrives off of making other people feel just as weak as you are."
"I am not weak," Rob said.
"You are very physically strong," Stacy conceded. "I have the scars to prove it. Your strength is what makes me not want to be touched, good touches or bad touches. But you are weak Rob."
Rob looked at her as if she was crazy. He turned to me and he said, "You can have the bitch."
// I am covered in skin No one gets to come in //
"Christian," Stacy said, sighing in relief. "You will never know how glad I was to see you."
"You okay?" I asked her.
"I feel strong for the first time in such a long time," she said. She sounded happy and confident. Her eyes were shining in a way that made me wish, not for the first time, that she would smile.
"I'm so happy for you," I said. "And I'm proud of you."
"Thank you," Stacy said.
I was so careful not to touch her. All I wanted to do was pull her into my arms and tell her I could love her and not hit her. But she had said she never wanted to be touched. I wanted to love her like she deserved to be loved. But I did not want to scare her.
"What's wrong Christian?" she asked.
"Oh, nothing," I replied.
"You sure?" she asked, her tone concerned.
"Positive," I replied.
// Pull me out from inside
"Why don't you hug me?" Stacy asked about two weeks after her run-in with Rob.
"What are you talking about?" I asked her.
"You used to you know," Stacy said. "I can't pinpoint when you stopped. You just used to be able to sense exactly when I needed a hug and you would give me one."
"You said you didn't want to be touched," I said softly.
"I did?" Stacy asked.
"When you were talking to Rob," I told her.
"God, what I said to Rob didn't pertain to you Christian," Stacy said. "I just don't want romantic involvement. But you, I trust you."
"So you don't mind friends touching you?" I asked her. I was unaccountably angry. It was like all I could ever be was a friend to her. I wanted to put my fist into a wall. I loved her and I felt like I would never be able to show her.
"What is wrong with you?" Stacy asked, obviously noting my shift in emotions.
// I am folded And unfolded And unfolding //
"Maybe you shouldn't trust me so much," I told her. "You don't want men to desire you and you definitely don't want to desire them. That would be giving too much of yourself up."
"What are you talking about?" Stacy asked.
"You're completely shutting yourself off from love because of one man," I said, fuming. I paced the room angrily. "And I, fool that I am, love you!"
"You love me?" Stacy asked.
"Yeah, but I can't show you that because it would likely scare the crap out of you," I said. "And that is the last thing I want to do."
"Christian," she whispered, closing her eyes to keep the tears from falling.
"I'm going to go lift," I told her, leaving her alone with her thoughts.
// I am colorblind //
I couldn't force myself back into the dressing room the whole night, except while Stacy was at her match with Dawn Marie. I grabbed my stuff and left Stacy a note that I was going out with some of the other guys.
I hopped into my rental car and just drove. I had all of this energy inside of me that I had to wear out. I loved Stacy and above all else I wanted to see her happy. If that meant I had to shove all of my feelings aside, I could do that. I could just be her friend. I might have to shut a large part of myself off, but for Stacy I could do that.
I just hoped I hadn't made her so uncomfortable that she wouldn't let herself be around me anymore.
// Coffee black and eye white Pull me out from inside //
"Where did you go?" Stacy asked. I was shocked to hear her voice. The lights had been off when I walked into the room so I just threw myself into my bed.
"I thought you were asleep," I said.
"I had some thinking to do," Stacy said softly.
"I'm sorry about earlier," I told her. "I had no right to burden you with my issues. I hope I didn't hurt you or anything."
"Did you mean what you said?" Stacy asked.
"What do you mean?" I asked her.
"Do you love me Christian?" she asked, sitting up in her bed.
// I am ready I am ready I am ready I am //
"Yeah," I said to her. "But I can love you and not need you to love me back. I can love you and not be in a relationship with you."
"Why would you want that?" she asked.
"It's not a question of want," I said. "It's a question of need. And you don't need to be in a relationship with me."
"Did it ever occur to you that I might love you too?" she asked me. I sensed her moving from her bed to mine. "Did you ever think that you might be the one man I would want to touch me? I trust you with my life Christian. You're the one who gave it back to me. I guess it already belongs to you."
"What?" I asked, unable to believe what I was hearing.
"I love you Christian," she said, moving so that she laid next to me. "Will you please kiss me now?"
"Tell me I'm not dreaming," I said. I leaned over and kissed her lips softly. And she kissed me back, without fear or reservation. "You mean it."
"I wouldn't lie to you Christian," she said.
// Fine //
"Turn on the light," I said.
"What?" she asked.
"Just do it!" I said. She leaned over and turned on the light. "I love you Stacy."
Her face lit up with a smile. I said a silent prayer of thanks. "I've wanted to see that smile for so long. "
"What?" she asked.
"You haven't smiled like that in so long," I told her. "How I wanted to see it."
She smiled again. Then she kissed me again.
// I am fine //
// I am colorblind Coffee black and egg white //
The night she came to me, I had never been more terrified in my life. Ever. She was bruised and broken. I could see the signs of her brokenness written all over her face. This woman was supposed to be witty, smart, and confident. She was not supposed to be crying.
But she came to me. I am glad she came to me. At least I finally knew what was going on between her and Rob, as sick as it made me. As much as it made me want to kill the cocky bastard. But I kept that to myself. It wouldn't help Stacy to see my disgust with the man she had loved, despite his cruelty.
So I took her in that night. Luckily I was rooming with Jericho and he never comes back to the room. I was able to stay up with her all night, I was able to hold her while she cried. I was able to assure her that Rob was the one in the wrong, not her. Not that it did any good at first. She was the typical victim of abuse. She wasn't able to see that she didn't deserve to be hit and degraded, especially not by the man who professed to love her.
For the first month or two, Stacy was slowly but surely building up a wall around herself. She was so hurt by the way Rob had dumped her. It was impossible for her to trust many people at all. The only people she spent significant amounts of time with were Torrie and I.
// Pull me out from inside //
Since Torrie was in the middle of her own problems, Stacy needed someone to room with. I wasn't willing to let her room alone, because I didn't know if Rob might come after her again. She didn't really get along with any of the other women. They either thought she was an airhead or a slut. She's neither. She is smart and thinks well on her feet. And the only man in the Federation she had been with was Rob, no matter how many guys might have said they had been with her.
I didn't have a problem rooming with Stacy. I think it made her feel a little more comfortable too. She knew that she wouldn't have to explain bad dreams to me if they woke us up in the middle of the night. She knew I would hold her when she needed it. She knew I would always be there for her.
It killed me though. I was there for every nightmare. I was there every time something reminded her of Rob and reopened every wound she had so desperately fought to close. Very few things could penetrate her emotional wall, and Rob Van Dam was definitely one of those things.
// I am ready I am ready //
It was no huge secret that I liked Stacy. She is a gorgeous woman, but that wasn't what I was attracted to. It was her smile that first caught me. The way her whole face was a part of her smile. Her eyes would light up and her whole face would seem lighter than it had been just a second earlier.
After Rob threw her out, that smile didn't come around too often. There would be sad little imitations of her smile, but not the wholehearted smile that I was so drawn to. It became my mission to cause her to smile like that again. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I liked this woman.
Why be cautious? I loved that woman. We got to know each other in the Alliance, before her and Rob became serious. She was funny, smart, and a great listener. Seeing her hurt whenever Rob was short with her broke my heart. And when she showed up at my room, it was a turning point for me. For the first time in my life, I was more concerned about another person than I was about myself.
// I am ready I am //
"Hey Stace," I said when I walked into the room we were sharing. "You won't believe what I just saw."
"What?" Stacy asked, looking up at me. There was a smile tugging at her lips. She did that when people she cared about walked into rooms. I saw that instinct to smile whenever Torrie walked into the room.
"I saw Jazz and Edge having dinner downstairs," I said. "First Shane and Lita, I've seen Matt Hardy spending so much time with Stephanie McMahon, can things get weirder?"
"Don't forget Molly and Kurt hanging out from time to time," Stacy reminded her. Something about her demeanor had changed.
"What is it?" I asked her.
"Nothing," she said, shaking her head.
"Stacy, I know you," I said. "Something is bugging you."
"Edge was a druggie Christian," Stacy said softly. "Jazz is the one who helped him get over it."
"How can you say something like that about my brother?" I asked, feeling horror over her revelation. It couldn't be true. Edge had always been the solid one.
"It was right after Torrie overdosed that he got some help," Stacy said. "He came and told me. And he apologized to Torrie."
// Taffy stuck and tongue tied Stutter shook and uptight //
"I don't believe you," I sputtered.
"How can you not believe me?" Stacy asked.
"What are you talking about?" I asked her, surprised at the sadness in her brown eyes.
"You were the only one who would have believed that Rob was hitting me, hurting me whenever he could," Stacy said, her voice sad. "And you won't believe me when I tell you something about your brother. Something that might force you to talk to him."
"You want me to talk to Edge?" I asked her.
"You've done so much for me Christian," Stacy said. "You've really been my rock. You are the only reason I didn't go crawling back to Rob, asking for him to hurt me more."
"How does me talking to Edge make you happy?" I asked her.
"Because it will make you happy," Stacy said simply.
// Pull me out from inside //
So I went to talk to Edge. I told him I knew about the drugs and I knew he was working on staying clean. He told me that he was sorry he hadn't seen that I needed to have someone believe in me. I told him that I wouldn't intentionally hurt him anymore and I would be there for him if he happened to need me.
"Thanks bro," Edge said, genuinely shocked at my offer. "Why did you come?"
"Because of Stacy," I told him honestly. I hadn't spoken to him for months, I wasn't going to screw it up right off the bat with a lie. "She thought it would make me happy."
"What's going on with you and Stacy?" he asked. "I mean you don't seem romantic, but you guys stay together."
"She needed someone to lean on and I happened to be the one she chose," I said.
"And you love her," Edge said. "Don't deny it. It's written on your face."
"I won't deny it," I said. "She's wonderful."
"So tell her," Edge said.
"I can't," I told him.
// I am ready I am ready //
It was true. The last person that had told Stacy that he loved her had beat her mercilessly. And the psychological abuse was horrible. She withdrew from physical contact with most people. She didn't go out after shows. She booked flights that she wouldn't have to be with anyone she didn't trust. She wore baggy clothes away from work.
If I told her I loved her, it might set her back. I refused to cause her pain. I refused to be the one to make her cry. I was the one who loved her. I wouldn't torture her. I wouldn't say something I knew would hurt her.
And I was convinced she still loved Rob.
// I am ready I am Fine //
I was walking out of Edge's dressing room and I saw something that stilled my blood. Stacy was pressed against a wall, looking like she would sink into it if she could. And Rob was standing so close to her. Her body screamed to me that she was afraid. Every muscle in her body seemed taut with fear. I felt rage course through me.
I walked down the hall, very quickly. "Get the hell away from her."
"Christian, this is really none of your business," he said, looking at me as if I was nothing.
"Rob, leave me alone," Stacy said firmly. "You don't love me. You never did."
"Of course I love you baby," Rob said, lifting his hand to caress her face. She flinched away from his touch. "Don't do that!"
"I will never be with you again Rob," Stacy said. "And it is Christian's business. He was the one who helped me to see what you are. All you are is a weak man who thrives off of making other people feel just as weak as you are."
"I am not weak," Rob said.
"You are very physically strong," Stacy conceded. "I have the scars to prove it. Your strength is what makes me not want to be touched, good touches or bad touches. But you are weak Rob."
Rob looked at her as if she was crazy. He turned to me and he said, "You can have the bitch."
// I am covered in skin No one gets to come in //
"Christian," Stacy said, sighing in relief. "You will never know how glad I was to see you."
"You okay?" I asked her.
"I feel strong for the first time in such a long time," she said. She sounded happy and confident. Her eyes were shining in a way that made me wish, not for the first time, that she would smile.
"I'm so happy for you," I said. "And I'm proud of you."
"Thank you," Stacy said.
I was so careful not to touch her. All I wanted to do was pull her into my arms and tell her I could love her and not hit her. But she had said she never wanted to be touched. I wanted to love her like she deserved to be loved. But I did not want to scare her.
"What's wrong Christian?" she asked.
"Oh, nothing," I replied.
"You sure?" she asked, her tone concerned.
"Positive," I replied.
// Pull me out from inside
"Why don't you hug me?" Stacy asked about two weeks after her run-in with Rob.
"What are you talking about?" I asked her.
"You used to you know," Stacy said. "I can't pinpoint when you stopped. You just used to be able to sense exactly when I needed a hug and you would give me one."
"You said you didn't want to be touched," I said softly.
"I did?" Stacy asked.
"When you were talking to Rob," I told her.
"God, what I said to Rob didn't pertain to you Christian," Stacy said. "I just don't want romantic involvement. But you, I trust you."
"So you don't mind friends touching you?" I asked her. I was unaccountably angry. It was like all I could ever be was a friend to her. I wanted to put my fist into a wall. I loved her and I felt like I would never be able to show her.
"What is wrong with you?" Stacy asked, obviously noting my shift in emotions.
// I am folded And unfolded And unfolding //
"Maybe you shouldn't trust me so much," I told her. "You don't want men to desire you and you definitely don't want to desire them. That would be giving too much of yourself up."
"What are you talking about?" Stacy asked.
"You're completely shutting yourself off from love because of one man," I said, fuming. I paced the room angrily. "And I, fool that I am, love you!"
"You love me?" Stacy asked.
"Yeah, but I can't show you that because it would likely scare the crap out of you," I said. "And that is the last thing I want to do."
"Christian," she whispered, closing her eyes to keep the tears from falling.
"I'm going to go lift," I told her, leaving her alone with her thoughts.
// I am colorblind //
I couldn't force myself back into the dressing room the whole night, except while Stacy was at her match with Dawn Marie. I grabbed my stuff and left Stacy a note that I was going out with some of the other guys.
I hopped into my rental car and just drove. I had all of this energy inside of me that I had to wear out. I loved Stacy and above all else I wanted to see her happy. If that meant I had to shove all of my feelings aside, I could do that. I could just be her friend. I might have to shut a large part of myself off, but for Stacy I could do that.
I just hoped I hadn't made her so uncomfortable that she wouldn't let herself be around me anymore.
// Coffee black and eye white Pull me out from inside //
"Where did you go?" Stacy asked. I was shocked to hear her voice. The lights had been off when I walked into the room so I just threw myself into my bed.
"I thought you were asleep," I said.
"I had some thinking to do," Stacy said softly.
"I'm sorry about earlier," I told her. "I had no right to burden you with my issues. I hope I didn't hurt you or anything."
"Did you mean what you said?" Stacy asked.
"What do you mean?" I asked her.
"Do you love me Christian?" she asked, sitting up in her bed.
// I am ready I am ready I am ready I am //
"Yeah," I said to her. "But I can love you and not need you to love me back. I can love you and not be in a relationship with you."
"Why would you want that?" she asked.
"It's not a question of want," I said. "It's a question of need. And you don't need to be in a relationship with me."
"Did it ever occur to you that I might love you too?" she asked me. I sensed her moving from her bed to mine. "Did you ever think that you might be the one man I would want to touch me? I trust you with my life Christian. You're the one who gave it back to me. I guess it already belongs to you."
"What?" I asked, unable to believe what I was hearing.
"I love you Christian," she said, moving so that she laid next to me. "Will you please kiss me now?"
"Tell me I'm not dreaming," I said. I leaned over and kissed her lips softly. And she kissed me back, without fear or reservation. "You mean it."
"I wouldn't lie to you Christian," she said.
// Fine //
"Turn on the light," I said.
"What?" she asked.
"Just do it!" I said. She leaned over and turned on the light. "I love you Stacy."
Her face lit up with a smile. I said a silent prayer of thanks. "I've wanted to see that smile for so long. "
"What?" she asked.
"You haven't smiled like that in so long," I told her. "How I wanted to see it."
She smiled again. Then she kissed me again.
// I am fine //
