Chapter Seventeen: Bungee Jumping!
Disclaimer: We own nothing that has to do with LotR and we're making no money off this little project. But I suppose you all know that by now.
Ginsing: YES! YES IT IS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! HE CANNOT RESIST THE TEMPTATION OF DOOM! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!
A/N: WAH! Last chapter of 'Welcome to NYC!'! The next one is called 'Grandiloquently Superfluous and Multiple Other Redundancies', or 'GSAMOR' for short.
All: O_O???!!!!!!
J: *sweatdrop* L named it. Anyway, it'll probably be out in a week or so. Maybe more, maybe less. I REALLY need to finish my summer reading; I just managed to escape the Responsibility Demons to write this EXTRA-EXTRA-SUPER-LONG FINALE CHAPTER! Which is EXTRA-EXTRA-SUPER-LONG! Because it is the FINALE CHAPTER! Redundancies for ALL!
*Suddenly, Thed bursts into the room with twenty
heavily-armed Responsibility Demons dressed up as commandos*
Thed: There she is! GET HER, BOYS!
J: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, AGENT THEDDIKINS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! *throws a vial of something on the floor and disappears in a puff of smoke* BWAHAHAHAHAAA! CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, THEDDIKINS!
Thed: *snarls* Find her. *notices the camera is still rolling* Get that damn camera out of here! *pushes it over*
*Snap**fizzle**static*
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So anyway…
So Shelob played taxi tour guide, and dropped them off near Cirith Ungol.
"That'll be $14.50," Shelob said, filing her fangs. Frodo paid her, and the hobbits started walking up the stairs.
"Hey, guys!" Gollum called. He was leaning against a wall, easting a scone and smoking a cigarette.
"So that's how Gollum's skin got all dry," Sam said.
"No, actually, I had a bad run-in with a hair dryer," Gollum said, stuffing the last of the scone down his throat. "But the cigarettes do hurt my skin a bit, don't they?"
"You could stand to brush your teeth…" Frodo mumbled. Gollum threw the cigarette butt at him, and landed on his foot and set his curly little hobbit foot-hair on fire.
"AAAAAAAAAAH!" Frodo ran around screaming, trying to put his foot out. Gollum and Sam watched, amused, for a moment, then Sam decided Frodo had had enough, pulled a Super-Soaker out of his pack, and hosed Frodo down.
"Tbbth. Thanks."
"Don't mention it."
"Climb! Climb!" Gollum ordered, pushing them up the stairs.
"AH! Watch it, Mister Grabby-Hands!"
"Okay! Okay! I'm going! I'm going!"
They climbed up the stairs for a very, very long time, with Gollum pushing them every so often…often missing the smalls of their backs.
"EEK! Okay, if you push me there ONE MORE TIME, I am going to take my foot and shove it up your-"
"Here!" Gollum pushed them into a large cave. "Go through here!"
"Why?"
"Just go!" Then Gollum turned and ran away, cackling hysterically. Sam and Frodo just shrugged and started walking through the cave.
And, very rapidly, it got dark.
"OW! Get offa me!"
"Watch it! I just burned my foot there!"
"Hey, remember that present the Crazy lady gave you?"
"Yeah. So?"
"Get it out, stupid!"
"Oh! Yeah, okay. I can do that." Frodo pulled out his bright orange flashlight and shined (shone? Shined? Evil verb tense…) it around the cave, and both of them stepped back in horror. Every inch of the wall was covered with pictures of Frodo, posters of Frodo, newspaper articles about Frodo…the largest collection of Frodo crap they had ever seen.
~~~~~~~~~Interruption (We haven't seen one of these for a while, So it's an EXTRA-LONG ONE!!)~~~~~
L: Hey, *I* have the largest collection of Frodo crap!
J: Do not.
L: Do too!
J: Do not!
L: Do TOO!
J: Do NOT!
L: TOO!
J: NOT!
L: TOO!
J: NOT!
L: TOO!
J: NOT!
L: TOO!
All: SHUT UP!
*L and J blink and meekly back away*
OB: *rubbing his temples* We have…HOW many more books with you psychos?
L and J: One.
All: *monotone* Yay.
L: *shoots them the Viper Glare* Sit down and shut up.
VM: Has ANYONE been able to find the door yet?
DM, BB, SA, JR-D: We're LOOKING…
EW: Look! There it is!
*The door has materialized on the wall. All the cast runs towards it, but it suddenly disappears again and they pile up against the wall*
L: Oops! Not quick enough!
L and J: *cackle insanely*
*The door suddenly opens and Hayden Christiansen, Ewan McGregor, and Liam Neeson walk in*
HC: So I was saying…
EML Umm…that's great, Hayden. *rolls eyes*
LN: Guys, where are we?
All: DON'T CLOSE THE-
*Door slams shut*
All: …Door.
EM: Should I *not* have done that?
OB: Yes, you fool! Now we're trapped here!
VM: Stupid Star Wars jerks!
HC: Dumb LotR bastards!
LN: I'm going to strangle you…
*SW guys see L and J sitting on their stools with evil intent in their eyes*
LN, HC, EW: *point at L and J* Who are THEY?
L: We're the hostesses. The wonderful, creative, gorgeous, witty, innocent, amazingly talented hostesses.
All but SW guys and L and J: *ROTFL*
J: Do you want me to get the Pointy Stick of Doom?!
All: *fall silent*
J: *cuddles PSOD*
JR-D: Hostesses my bearded little backside!
L and J: *holding hands over ears* BAD MENTAL IMAGE!
SIM: *to SW guys* They're the authors! The evil sadistic, malicious authors! Run while you still can!
HC: Beam me up, Scotty!
LN: Uh…Hayden? Wrong show.
HC: DON'T CARE! *SW guys disappear*
L: My JEDI! *turns at glares at LotR actors with fire in her eyes* You have deprived me of my Jedi. You must die.
J: *throws L PSOD* Here ya go!
L: *smiles and lunges at the cast*
*The camera pans back to J, who is watching the off-screen fight and eating popcorn*
J: Eh heh…owie! That had to hurt. Hey, L, make sure you don't break it on their skulls, 'kay? Sauron doesn't know I'm borrowing it yet.
L: *from off-screen, where slashy, whappy, gory sounds are coming from* You got it! *more hurty sounds*
J: Yummy…poppy-corn! *chows down*
Gir: THE PIGGIES RETURN! BACKIES!
J: Good conclusion. Here ya go! *throws him the empty bag*
Gir: YUM! *eats bag*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What…what IS this?!" Frodo said, edging away from a shelf filled with thousands of pictures and action figures of himself. "I'm scared!"
"Well, of course you are," Sam said, shuffling through some particularly disturbing pictures the cave's resident had acquired of Frodo in *ahem* most of his hobbit glory. Frodo gasped and snatched the pictures back.
"I sent these to my girlfriend!" Frodo exclaimed, aghast. Sam looked hurt. "You…you have a *girlfriend*, Mr. Frodo?"
"An online girlfriend," Frodo explained as he started
ripping down the 'more unflattering' pictures of himself tat decorated the
walls. "We've been chatting for a year. Her. name's Shelly."
"That's *MY* name!" a voice from deep in the cave called. Frodo and Sam slowly
turned to look into the darkness.
"…Didn't your mother ever warn you about some of the weirdos you can meet online, Mr. Frodo?…"
"FroFro, baby? Is that you?" Sam turned and looked at Frodo. " 'Fro…Fro'?…" he asked slowly. Frodo blushed.
"S…Shelly? Is that you? I didn't know you lived in a cave in the middle of NYC-I mean, Mordor…"
"Well, there's a lot of things you don't know about me, FroFro…" 'Shelly' said, stepping out of the shadows. Sam and Frodo screamed and Frodo nearly passed out.
L: NOOOO!
Frodo and Sam and Shelob all looked around, horrified. "Who said that?!" Sam
shouted.
L: I WILL NOT ALLOW EVIL SPIDER LADY TO…DO…ANYTHING WITH MY
FRODO!
J: How are you doing that?
L: Just press the 'Talk' button on the intercom.
J: Oh…
*L smacks Shelob with the Flyswatter of Pure Evil, then hands it back to J*
L: Thanks.
J: Don't mention it…
So, the angry, nearly dead Shelob lashed out in her angriness and bit Frodo on the leg.
"EEE! I've always wanted to do that!" Shelob squealed in fangirl-ish delight.
Sam grabbed his sword and beat Shelob over the head, screaming, "Bad evil spider whore!"
Finally, Shelob died from exposure and Frodo was freed. Sam dragged Frodo out into the open and fired off a signal flare.
"What are you doing?!" Frodo screamed at Sam.
"I'm taking the Ring and leaving you for dead so I can save you later," Sam said, taking the Ring from Frodo.
"Why not just save me now and save yourself the time?!" Frodo cried frantically.
"Uh oh, orcs coming! Be quiet!" Sam said, and kicked Frodo in the head. Frodo went unconscious and little birdies and stars swirled around his head.
"Ooo…pretty!" Sam said, fishing through Frodo's pockets and finding the flashlight. After thoroughly searching Frodo's stuff and taking anything he could possibly use and stuffing it into his pack-with-no-bottom, Sam walked off, leaving Frodo's behind him and whistling while he walked.
"Hey you!" an orc yelled as a huge group of orcs ran up. "You seen a little guy, 'bout your height, has a magic ring?" it asked.
"Yeah, he's back that was," Sam said, pointing towards Frodo's body.
"Okay, thanks!" the orc said, and the whole troop ran off singing the orc song.
Sam scurried up the hill, ignoring the slashy, whappy, gory sounds, complete with Frodo's blood-curdling screams, that were coming from behind him. Then he remembered something that caused him to turn and jump into a pricker bush.
"My tea towel!" he groaned as the orcs ran past, carrying Frodo, who was hog-tied and had an apple in his mouth. "Aw, man…I still need that! Damn it…now I really DO have to save him!"
"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off the Sauron we go! He'll kill this hobbit, no one can stop it, hi-ho!…" The orcs were singing a different song now as they approached the Great Garage Door with Frodo.
"Okay, now who has the opener?"
The orcs stood in silence for a moment.
"Umm…Gabkrish, you're meant to have it."
"Now way, Lurtz! YOU had it last!"
"Well then, Shangrat? Did you have it?"
"No, but I saw Lugran with it."
"YOU LIE!"
"Oh, shut up!" Lurtz yelled, walking over to the keypad on the side. "We'll open it this way. What's the combination number?"
"6-6-7-6-6."
Nothing.
"Try 4-3-4-6-8."
Nothing.
"Try 7-8-8-7-3."
Nothing…
~*Eight Hours Later*~
"1-2-3-4-5?"
STILL NOTHING…
"3-6-6-5-7."
FINALLY, the Great Garage Door opened and all the orcs scurried in. Sam, who had fallen asleep in the bushes…kept right on sleeping.
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J: Aw, how sad!
L: We've finished Book Eye-Vee AND TTT!
Cast: WOO-HOO!
L: But, luckily, we still have ROTK to do!
Cast: *put guns to their heads*
J: Oh, quit being so melodramatic. We KNOW you love us.
Cast: YOU LIE!
L: ^_^ We love you guys too!
EW and VM: Yeah…we know…
OB: Ummm…dare I ask a question?
J: Of course. You may speak, pathetic underling.
OB: Can I please use the bathroom?
L: Well…
J: DON'T LISTEN TO HIM! He's just trying to escape!
OB: DAMN!
DM: I'm hungry.
L: FINE! *two doorways appear*
BB: Okay, what are those?
R: A bathroom and a kitchen!
Cast: You're still here?
R: YES! The mysterious disembodied voice has quit, so I
will take his place.
E: Unless you'd rather I did it!
All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
E: Fine.
*Suddenly, a box of toothpicks appears. L grabs them*
J: What are those?
L: They're my Magical Pixy-pics! I sent in my 50¢ and cereal box tops, and here they are!
OB: What do those do?
L: I'll show you! *stabs OB with a Pixy-pics. OB starts dancing uncontrollably*
L: I WILL STAB YOU ALL!
Gir: That looks like fun! *starts dancing*
NO MORE! NO MORE! WE'RE OFF TO RETURN THE KING!
~see ya in an undisclosed amount of time!~
