Will the Nightmare Never End?!?!?!?!??!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Standard disclaimer. I apologise if I use something somebody else used first. All I can say is - great minds think alike! Or well, actually, really freaky minds think alike..............
This will probably be the last post until I get back from holiday, but you never know - There might be an Internet café in Normandy!
Never underestimate an insane wizard. His delusions have a way of coming true.
Gandalf had transformed the insane asylum into the set of Jerry Springer's. He'd even roped in a hundred Elves as an audience, two Dwarves as CameraDwarves and a hefty Uruk-Hai as Security.
Gandalf was happy and gay. No, not that sort of gay!! I just mean really, really, smoking-pipeweed-joints happy. He was skipping around, with Legolas trailing after him as his own personal make-up and style entourage. Suddenly, one of the Dwarves screamed, "Ga- Jerry, we're on air!"
Gerry the Grey minced (ok, so maybe he was a little of that sort of gay) up to the camera. "Hi folks! Today, we'll be discussing, 'I've had my personality changed by a malevolent Author'!"
He pranced up to Legolas, who was suddenly sitting in one of the chairs, and perched on the arm of the chair. "So, Leggy, tell us your story."
Legolas grabbed the microphone out of Gandalf's hand and began sobbing into it. "She, like, took, like, my gorgeous personality, like, all away, and she, like, won't even let me, like, have Mr. Wuddles back!!!!"
The voice of the Author was heard throughout the room. "If you're going to be THAT sadly pathetic, here - you can have Mr. Wuddles."
Legolas hugged the teddybear tightly to his chest, and switched the microphone to 'Possessed by the Ring' setting. "My preeeciioussssss!! Like."
There was a crash, and part of the set collapsed, revealing Frodo and Gollum having an exuberant wrestling match. Gollum was hissing "PRECIOUSSSSSSSSS!" until Sam jumped up and screamed, "Don't worry Mr. Frodo! I'll save you!"
Sam dragged Frodo away and wrapped his arms around him. Gerry sighed and said, "For the Grey Havens sake, get a room!"
The Uruk-Hai picked them up and carried them off stage, while Gollum threw himself into Legolas's arms and began stroking his hair. "Precioussssssssssssss! My preeeeeeeciooooussssss!!"
After Legolas and Gollum had been dragged off to 'The Quiet Room', 'Gerry' appealed to his off-stage crew. "Is there anyone out there who isn't sex mad?"
Someone shouted back "We have some teenagers."
Gerry screamed. "NO! They're ticking hormonal timebombs! Bring back Legolas! At least he's cute. Mmmmmmmmmm..... Elf hair....."
Gerry clicked his fingers and Legolas was lying on one of those psychiatrist beds, and Gerry was wearing a long white coat. (Get it, book- readers?)
"Tell me, Leggy, did you ever feel neglected as a child?"
"No, I always had Mr. Wuddles. He used to take me for walks and bathe me, and braid my hair. He gave me my first avocado face pack!"
The Author walked across the stage, with Pippin alongside her on a dog's leash. Everyone gives them VEEEEEEERY strange looks. "Oh, don't worry about me. I'm just walking my Hobbit."
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight," drawled Gerry. "Sooooooooooo... Leggy, did your parents ever have much time for you?"
"Well, no," answered the gorgeous Prince. "Daddy was always governing Mirkwood, and Mummy had to look after the visiting Elves in the bedroom."
Collective "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!" from the audience.
"But, then, of course, Mummy died in that freak tornado that just took away her and the Elf who was usurped by Arwen. What was his name..?"
Glorfindel popped his head around the doorway and says, in a very annoyed tone, "I don't know. Maybe. GLORFINDEL!"
"That was it!! Thanks, Miscellaneous Elf."
Glorfindel was dragged away, kicking and screaming, by the burly Uruk-Hai.
"Well, Leggy, we've got a surprise for you..."
Legolas's mother walks in from offstage.
Legolas looks at her, wide-eyed. "Mummy? But Daddy said you died."
Salogel [*] took her son's hand. "I'm sorry, Legolas. You see, Mummy had to run away with. What was his name.?"
Glorfindel jumps in again, panting. "GLORFINDEL!!!!!!!!!" Salogel says "Hi honey!" but the Uruk-Hai drags him off to 'The Quiet Room' again.
The truth slowly dawns on Legolas.
"Mummy, you're a slut?"
Salogel nods.
"My Mummy's a tramp! My Mummy's a tramp!"
Salogel tries to calm her son down, but he begins to have a tantrum. He rips open the cushions and starts pulling the feathers out. He finally calms down after the Author waves a packet of M and M's under his nose. "Be good, and I'll give you these."
"Are they chocolate?"
"Would I give you anything else?"
"Good, cos, y'know peanuts give me zits."
"Follow the script like a good boy, and I'll take you shopping in Gap too.."
Legolas yelped with excitement. The Author waved the script under his nose. Legolas squinted at it, then turned to Salogel and said, "I love you Mummy!"
She screamed "I love you too Son!" and they exchanged a hug.
"Mummy, you have to go away now. I have to finish this post quickly so me and the Author can go to Gap."
"It's ok, son, I understand the importance of clothes."
Legolas quickly changed places with Gandalf. sorry. 'Gerry'. "Hurry up, Gandalf. I have to become a psychiatrist so the Author can fulfil her promise to her readers, and then she'll take me to Gap."
Leggy perched some stylish, designer glasses on the end of his perfectly- shaped nose. "So, Gandalf, have you ever felt that you're two people?"
"Who's this Gandalf guy you lot keep going on about?"
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Erm, so, I subscribe."
"No, Leggy, its PREscribe."
"Are you sure?"
"Just trust me on this."
"Ok, I prescribe you some therapeutic shopping."
Leggy turns to the Author. "Can we go now? I NEED to go to Gap and buy all this week's clothes, and laugh at anyone who has LAST week's."
[*] I know, I know, its just 'Legolas' backwards. But humour kind of takes the original juice away.
A/N very weird chapter, I know. Sorry for the changing of tenses, but some bits didn't work in past, and not all of it works in present.
Next Chapter - Boromir and Aragorn steal the Highlander tune.......
Standard disclaimer. I apologise if I use something somebody else used first. All I can say is - great minds think alike! Or well, actually, really freaky minds think alike..............
This will probably be the last post until I get back from holiday, but you never know - There might be an Internet café in Normandy!
Never underestimate an insane wizard. His delusions have a way of coming true.
Gandalf had transformed the insane asylum into the set of Jerry Springer's. He'd even roped in a hundred Elves as an audience, two Dwarves as CameraDwarves and a hefty Uruk-Hai as Security.
Gandalf was happy and gay. No, not that sort of gay!! I just mean really, really, smoking-pipeweed-joints happy. He was skipping around, with Legolas trailing after him as his own personal make-up and style entourage. Suddenly, one of the Dwarves screamed, "Ga- Jerry, we're on air!"
Gerry the Grey minced (ok, so maybe he was a little of that sort of gay) up to the camera. "Hi folks! Today, we'll be discussing, 'I've had my personality changed by a malevolent Author'!"
He pranced up to Legolas, who was suddenly sitting in one of the chairs, and perched on the arm of the chair. "So, Leggy, tell us your story."
Legolas grabbed the microphone out of Gandalf's hand and began sobbing into it. "She, like, took, like, my gorgeous personality, like, all away, and she, like, won't even let me, like, have Mr. Wuddles back!!!!"
The voice of the Author was heard throughout the room. "If you're going to be THAT sadly pathetic, here - you can have Mr. Wuddles."
Legolas hugged the teddybear tightly to his chest, and switched the microphone to 'Possessed by the Ring' setting. "My preeeciioussssss!! Like."
There was a crash, and part of the set collapsed, revealing Frodo and Gollum having an exuberant wrestling match. Gollum was hissing "PRECIOUSSSSSSSSS!" until Sam jumped up and screamed, "Don't worry Mr. Frodo! I'll save you!"
Sam dragged Frodo away and wrapped his arms around him. Gerry sighed and said, "For the Grey Havens sake, get a room!"
The Uruk-Hai picked them up and carried them off stage, while Gollum threw himself into Legolas's arms and began stroking his hair. "Precioussssssssssssss! My preeeeeeeciooooussssss!!"
After Legolas and Gollum had been dragged off to 'The Quiet Room', 'Gerry' appealed to his off-stage crew. "Is there anyone out there who isn't sex mad?"
Someone shouted back "We have some teenagers."
Gerry screamed. "NO! They're ticking hormonal timebombs! Bring back Legolas! At least he's cute. Mmmmmmmmmm..... Elf hair....."
Gerry clicked his fingers and Legolas was lying on one of those psychiatrist beds, and Gerry was wearing a long white coat. (Get it, book- readers?)
"Tell me, Leggy, did you ever feel neglected as a child?"
"No, I always had Mr. Wuddles. He used to take me for walks and bathe me, and braid my hair. He gave me my first avocado face pack!"
The Author walked across the stage, with Pippin alongside her on a dog's leash. Everyone gives them VEEEEEEERY strange looks. "Oh, don't worry about me. I'm just walking my Hobbit."
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight," drawled Gerry. "Sooooooooooo... Leggy, did your parents ever have much time for you?"
"Well, no," answered the gorgeous Prince. "Daddy was always governing Mirkwood, and Mummy had to look after the visiting Elves in the bedroom."
Collective "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!" from the audience.
"But, then, of course, Mummy died in that freak tornado that just took away her and the Elf who was usurped by Arwen. What was his name..?"
Glorfindel popped his head around the doorway and says, in a very annoyed tone, "I don't know. Maybe. GLORFINDEL!"
"That was it!! Thanks, Miscellaneous Elf."
Glorfindel was dragged away, kicking and screaming, by the burly Uruk-Hai.
"Well, Leggy, we've got a surprise for you..."
Legolas's mother walks in from offstage.
Legolas looks at her, wide-eyed. "Mummy? But Daddy said you died."
Salogel [*] took her son's hand. "I'm sorry, Legolas. You see, Mummy had to run away with. What was his name.?"
Glorfindel jumps in again, panting. "GLORFINDEL!!!!!!!!!" Salogel says "Hi honey!" but the Uruk-Hai drags him off to 'The Quiet Room' again.
The truth slowly dawns on Legolas.
"Mummy, you're a slut?"
Salogel nods.
"My Mummy's a tramp! My Mummy's a tramp!"
Salogel tries to calm her son down, but he begins to have a tantrum. He rips open the cushions and starts pulling the feathers out. He finally calms down after the Author waves a packet of M and M's under his nose. "Be good, and I'll give you these."
"Are they chocolate?"
"Would I give you anything else?"
"Good, cos, y'know peanuts give me zits."
"Follow the script like a good boy, and I'll take you shopping in Gap too.."
Legolas yelped with excitement. The Author waved the script under his nose. Legolas squinted at it, then turned to Salogel and said, "I love you Mummy!"
She screamed "I love you too Son!" and they exchanged a hug.
"Mummy, you have to go away now. I have to finish this post quickly so me and the Author can go to Gap."
"It's ok, son, I understand the importance of clothes."
Legolas quickly changed places with Gandalf. sorry. 'Gerry'. "Hurry up, Gandalf. I have to become a psychiatrist so the Author can fulfil her promise to her readers, and then she'll take me to Gap."
Leggy perched some stylish, designer glasses on the end of his perfectly- shaped nose. "So, Gandalf, have you ever felt that you're two people?"
"Who's this Gandalf guy you lot keep going on about?"
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Erm, so, I subscribe."
"No, Leggy, its PREscribe."
"Are you sure?"
"Just trust me on this."
"Ok, I prescribe you some therapeutic shopping."
Leggy turns to the Author. "Can we go now? I NEED to go to Gap and buy all this week's clothes, and laugh at anyone who has LAST week's."
[*] I know, I know, its just 'Legolas' backwards. But humour kind of takes the original juice away.
A/N very weird chapter, I know. Sorry for the changing of tenses, but some bits didn't work in past, and not all of it works in present.
Next Chapter - Boromir and Aragorn steal the Highlander tune.......
