Disclaimer: I did not invent the characters used in this story. This story is a
spinoff of the movie The Princess Bride which I take absolutely no credit
for. The beginning includes a loose retelling of a scene featured in the
movie, but all text here is original and in my own words. I do not take credit
for the core of the story, because, being fan fiction, my work is based on it,
but I did not create it. The basic theme during the second half (more or
less) is my own. Basically, I do not take credit for anything seen in the
movie or read in the book.
Miracle Max listened with disgust to the loud rapping on the door.
"Arrgh!" He thought out loud. "What's all the racket! Don't they know we're
closed!?" He slowly shuffled across the room. If only he was young again,
like he was in his pirating days. Ah, yes, when he bore the fearsome name
Dread Pirate Roberts! The marauding bastard who took no prisoners! He
recalled his former career fondly. But he had grown old, retired, handed
down his title to another, and settled down to do miracle work.
He stuck his head through window next to the door.
"Go Away! We're closed!" he shouted grumpily, the shut the slider with a
bang. The rapping paused, as if in surprise, but then continued, even more
insistently. Horrible Humperdink! At first, miracle work had been alright,
maybe even almost as fun as pirating. All he had to do was mix up a
random tonic, and make a couple lucky guesses, and he was treated like
royalty. But then that minacious iniquitous lousy slug Humperdink who
dares to call himself a prince! - he paused mid-thought, letting out a long,
forlorn sigh - fired him, and he was forced to continue his work as a
peasant, underappreciated and over bothered. Once again, he opened the
window and looked out.
"I said, we're cl—OW!" Suddenly Max's whole had was yanked out of
the window by his large nose. "Hey! What do you think you're doing??!!!"
A voice with a heavy Spanish accent interrupted him.
"We need a miracle and we need it now. We certainly don't mean to bother
you, but if you don't offer your services and pronto, I'm sure Fezzik. . ." the
skinny Spaniard standing in front of the door motioned up towards the giant
standing next to him- "Would be glad to assist me in obtaining your help in
a slightly more painful way. Now, your choice?"
Miracle Max was dumbstruck, and more than a little annoyed, but he
wasn't stupid. Grumbling, he opened the door and led the pair- wait, no- trio
inside. The giant was roughly holding a young blonde man, who was
hanging limply from one of his massive arms. Oh man, Max thought.
"This isn't going to be cheap, you know," he assured the strangers grumpily.
"How much do you have?" The Spaniard held out a small handful of gold
coins. It was a fair amount, but still not more than half what he normally
worked for, and a tenth of what he was paid at the palace. Pirating had
brought in a still greater amount. If only he was young again . . . His
thoughts trailed off a second time to his pirating days. However, he
snapped out of it quickly when the giant, (was it Fuzzik the Spaniard had
called him?) almost knocked a small lamp on the large wooden table
between the group and Max over.
"What sort of miracle do you want? Hurry up, get on with it. I haven't got all
day." The Spaniard heaved the limp blonde onto the table. "He looks dead,"
Max said blandly.
"What a genius observation. I don't think I ever would have guessed. Did
you know he was dead, Fezzik?" the Spaniard replied sarcastically.
"Hey, I don't have to do anything for you. I never work for so little, so you
better treat me like the respectable important person I am." Max knew he
sounded stupid. His grey-white hair was unkept and scraggly, and his
clothes were dirty and torn. Lately business had been slow, and hard.
"Of course, my most sincere apologies. You are a good man to help us so
graciously when you are closed."
"Yeah, well, for the second time, what sort of miracle did you have in
mind?" Miracle Max asked irascibly. He wasn't going to buy into this crap,
and he wanted to know what the hell they wanted so he could decide they
didn't have enough money for that kind of work and tell them to get out of
there. He had a sneaking suspicion that he was going to have to do
something with this dead guy. Maybe they wanted him to raise him from the
dead. He stifled a small laugh at this thought. All the gold in the world
couldn't get him to do that, mostly because it was impossible.
"We want you to raise him from the dead." Just great. Max stared at the man.
"And who might you be?"
"My name is Inigo Montoya." the man said nobly.
"Well, Inigo Montoya. Maybe you are not aware that raising the dead is
extremely difficult and will require a much larger sum of money than you
have just shown me. Un less you have a large sack filled to the brim with
gold that I am not aware of I'm afraid I will have to ask you to leave. Good
day." Max replied curtly, speaking quickly on a single note.
"Wait, you don't understand! This man needs to live! He needs to rescue
his true love from marrying Humperdink tonight," Inigo replied breathlessly.
"Humperdink you say?" Max's ears perked up at the mention of
Humperdink. "Let me have a minute." Max replied, and quickly examined
the body on the table, the wheels in his head turning at a breakneck speed.
The only thing stopping him from working at the palace was Humperdink. . .
He needed the money. . . but the guy was dead. . . maybe. . . no, it couldn't
possibly. . . but maybe. . . Max went over the detail again in his head.
Everything clicked, it was a perfect plan, as long as the guy was just mostly
dead. Max was no thickhead, you had to be cleaver if you were a pirate, so
his plan left no gaps.
spinoff of the movie The Princess Bride which I take absolutely no credit
for. The beginning includes a loose retelling of a scene featured in the
movie, but all text here is original and in my own words. I do not take credit
for the core of the story, because, being fan fiction, my work is based on it,
but I did not create it. The basic theme during the second half (more or
less) is my own. Basically, I do not take credit for anything seen in the
movie or read in the book.
Miracle Max listened with disgust to the loud rapping on the door.
"Arrgh!" He thought out loud. "What's all the racket! Don't they know we're
closed!?" He slowly shuffled across the room. If only he was young again,
like he was in his pirating days. Ah, yes, when he bore the fearsome name
Dread Pirate Roberts! The marauding bastard who took no prisoners! He
recalled his former career fondly. But he had grown old, retired, handed
down his title to another, and settled down to do miracle work.
He stuck his head through window next to the door.
"Go Away! We're closed!" he shouted grumpily, the shut the slider with a
bang. The rapping paused, as if in surprise, but then continued, even more
insistently. Horrible Humperdink! At first, miracle work had been alright,
maybe even almost as fun as pirating. All he had to do was mix up a
random tonic, and make a couple lucky guesses, and he was treated like
royalty. But then that minacious iniquitous lousy slug Humperdink who
dares to call himself a prince! - he paused mid-thought, letting out a long,
forlorn sigh - fired him, and he was forced to continue his work as a
peasant, underappreciated and over bothered. Once again, he opened the
window and looked out.
"I said, we're cl—OW!" Suddenly Max's whole had was yanked out of
the window by his large nose. "Hey! What do you think you're doing??!!!"
A voice with a heavy Spanish accent interrupted him.
"We need a miracle and we need it now. We certainly don't mean to bother
you, but if you don't offer your services and pronto, I'm sure Fezzik. . ." the
skinny Spaniard standing in front of the door motioned up towards the giant
standing next to him- "Would be glad to assist me in obtaining your help in
a slightly more painful way. Now, your choice?"
Miracle Max was dumbstruck, and more than a little annoyed, but he
wasn't stupid. Grumbling, he opened the door and led the pair- wait, no- trio
inside. The giant was roughly holding a young blonde man, who was
hanging limply from one of his massive arms. Oh man, Max thought.
"This isn't going to be cheap, you know," he assured the strangers grumpily.
"How much do you have?" The Spaniard held out a small handful of gold
coins. It was a fair amount, but still not more than half what he normally
worked for, and a tenth of what he was paid at the palace. Pirating had
brought in a still greater amount. If only he was young again . . . His
thoughts trailed off a second time to his pirating days. However, he
snapped out of it quickly when the giant, (was it Fuzzik the Spaniard had
called him?) almost knocked a small lamp on the large wooden table
between the group and Max over.
"What sort of miracle do you want? Hurry up, get on with it. I haven't got all
day." The Spaniard heaved the limp blonde onto the table. "He looks dead,"
Max said blandly.
"What a genius observation. I don't think I ever would have guessed. Did
you know he was dead, Fezzik?" the Spaniard replied sarcastically.
"Hey, I don't have to do anything for you. I never work for so little, so you
better treat me like the respectable important person I am." Max knew he
sounded stupid. His grey-white hair was unkept and scraggly, and his
clothes were dirty and torn. Lately business had been slow, and hard.
"Of course, my most sincere apologies. You are a good man to help us so
graciously when you are closed."
"Yeah, well, for the second time, what sort of miracle did you have in
mind?" Miracle Max asked irascibly. He wasn't going to buy into this crap,
and he wanted to know what the hell they wanted so he could decide they
didn't have enough money for that kind of work and tell them to get out of
there. He had a sneaking suspicion that he was going to have to do
something with this dead guy. Maybe they wanted him to raise him from the
dead. He stifled a small laugh at this thought. All the gold in the world
couldn't get him to do that, mostly because it was impossible.
"We want you to raise him from the dead." Just great. Max stared at the man.
"And who might you be?"
"My name is Inigo Montoya." the man said nobly.
"Well, Inigo Montoya. Maybe you are not aware that raising the dead is
extremely difficult and will require a much larger sum of money than you
have just shown me. Un less you have a large sack filled to the brim with
gold that I am not aware of I'm afraid I will have to ask you to leave. Good
day." Max replied curtly, speaking quickly on a single note.
"Wait, you don't understand! This man needs to live! He needs to rescue
his true love from marrying Humperdink tonight," Inigo replied breathlessly.
"Humperdink you say?" Max's ears perked up at the mention of
Humperdink. "Let me have a minute." Max replied, and quickly examined
the body on the table, the wheels in his head turning at a breakneck speed.
The only thing stopping him from working at the palace was Humperdink. . .
He needed the money. . . but the guy was dead. . . maybe. . . no, it couldn't
possibly. . . but maybe. . . Max went over the detail again in his head.
Everything clicked, it was a perfect plan, as long as the guy was just mostly
dead. Max was no thickhead, you had to be cleaver if you were a pirate, so
his plan left no gaps.
