Intro: This fic was written by Shakbari because lazy-assed Death and Ivan didn't want to co-write. Lyrics supplied by Meestar Pickles. The original idea was Hippy's. "I'm the Only Gay Elf Ho" is a parody of "I'm the Only Gay Eskimo" by Tenacious D.

Disclaimer: We don't own the LOTR characters or the song it's based on. But we own this fic, and we own you, so MOOHAHA.

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With his soul finally at peace about Gandalf's fall into the shadow -- it had turned out there was more to the wizard's relationship with Balrog than met the eye -- Legolas sat down under a tree, and loosed his hair. He found it helped him think better.

Old Gandalf -- who would have thought? The young elf mused.

At least Gandalf had a relationship with someone, a voice in Legolas's head said mockingly.

"Who's there?!" Legolas sprang up and nocked an arrow in his bow. "Come out and I won't shoot!"

But he knew it was pointless. That voice had always been there, mocking him every time an elven woman approached him, laughing every time he fell in his face while attempting to talk to a man. He sighed and sat back down, the words of his old favorite song coming to mind...

I'm the only gay elf ho, I'm the only one I know. I'm the only gay elf ho in the Fellowship...

I go orc hunting with my best friend Aragorn, But all I wanna do is get into his thong I'm the only gay elf ho in the Fellowship...

Legolas awoke wih a start, finding he had fallen half-asleep while thinking about those words. He suddenly remembered how, as a young elf, his friends had always teased him about being gay. It's not fair, he thought. I can't help it if I fancy a man over a woman. That brought to mind the next verse of that song...

Well, me and that Gandalf we both like sticks, But me, I got this crazy fetish for dicks. I'm the only gay elf ho in the Fellowship...

It turned out he had been awakened by Aragorn, who was very delicately picking his way along the paved stones to the Mirror Fountain. Maybe he was finally going to wash his hair, Legolas thought. It was not that he specifically fancied Aragorn -- he had fantasized about every male in the fellowship at some point or another -- but there was something, just something, about Strider.

I make a wish on that special ring, But I only really want to have one thing. I'm the only gay elf ho in the Fellowship...

And the Orcs grunt now...

He thought back to the Fellowship's journey to Mt. Doom, particularly to Aragorn's insistence on carrying the Ringbearer up the mountain. Had there been something more to that? I wish he'd carry me up the mountain, Legolas huffed. Of course, his inborn elven ability to walk on top of snow had nothing to do with that.

These nights on the road are hard for an elf ho, I even get excited when I oil my bow.

He sighed. No one would ever understand his plight. He would be alone -- forever.

I'm the only gay elf ho, I'm the only one I know. I'm the only gay elf ho in the Fellowship.

Legolas caught sight of Frodo making his way up to the mirror fountain, closely followed by Merry and Pippin, presumably to have a bath there, much to Galadriel's displeasure.

The elf had never noticed, but the ringbearer was actually quite pretty. No, I'd better not try anything, Legolas thought.

Sam will kill me if I try anything.