This chapter is for the romantics out there. I think it might be a little sappy, but who cares? I'm not out to win a Pulitzer.
Chapter 8: Now and Forever
Selene retraced the steps that she and Harry had made twice that night. There were so many thoughts that ran through her mind as she traveled once again back to Hogsmeade. Most of her thoughts centered around how stupid she was to assume that Sirius would have accepted her immediately for who she was. What was worse was the fact that Selene hadn't even thought to tell Harry what would happen when she and Sirius were reunited. Perhaps she had hoped that everything would be like it was before the curse and Azkaban, but she knew now that it would never be. She fought against the feelings of pain and regret that had surfaced and tried unsuccessfully to hold back the tears in her eyes.
Selene stopped before the exit of the tunnel and tried to pull herself together. She wiped her eyes with the hem of her sleeve and leaned against the cool tunnel wall. For the first time in her life she welcomed the coolness, it relaxed her and took the edge off what she was feeling. Anger. That seemed to be her primary emotion at the moment. She wasn't angry at Sirius, she knew she could never be truly angry at him for what he did, or tried to do, tonight. No, her anger was definitely much broader. Selene Evans was angry at the universe. During her years under the Totale Rhumital curse, Selene had been left with only her thoughts to keep her company, to keep her sane. She had held on to the memories of Sirius, Lily, James, and even little Harry to keep her alive. However, some thoughts had threatened to tear her apart. She played the events of the night of her sisters' murder and the consequent actions over and over in her head. Then green light of the death curse was permanently fixed in her mind as was the sight of seeing Sirius being dragged away from her.
"Sirius." Selene whispered softly, feeling her eyes beginning to water. Everything had been against their being together; timing, circumstances, and even her own flesh were barriers in the way of their life together. She pulled her necklace out from underneath her robes and let her finger play with the charm. Perhaps it was fated to happen, she thought. It had all been too perfect, she had been too happy, of course it had to end.
"Rubish." she said out loud, surprised at how loud she had said it. She told herself that she never put much faith in fate, and she wasn't going to start by letting it consume her and keep her away from Sirius. She straightened her robes and wrapped her arms tightly around her and walked into the brisk Hogsmeade air.
*****************************
About an hour or so after Harry had left, Sirius was able to move again. He felt light-headed from the whole affair and sat against his bed with his knees pulled up to his chin and tried once again to find his resolve. He knew that he should leave the cave and go to Hogwarts and warn Dumbledore and make sure that Harry was safe. But he found himself unable and unwilling to leave the cave. The image of the blood on her arm kept coming back into his mind. That and the intensity of her eyes haunted him. Her green eyes were so familiar and he had felt their gaze penetrate him, even now he could feel it.
Sirius stood up slowly, not all of the effects of the curse had worn off yet, and he walked over to a water basin and washed his face with cool water hoping to be rid of those eyes. It helped, a little. He tried to walk over to his bed, but fell before he got there. He smiled ironically at his godson's will to keep her safe and at the punch that the curse had had on him. "Maybe I'm just getting old." he wondered out loud. He finally made it to his bed and sat on the edge, still lost in thought. If Harry had believed in her so much than maybe…no…he mustn't let himself think that it could be Selene…but yet…those eyes.
********************
Selene hadn't realized how late it was until she arrived at the mouth of Sirius' cave and noticed the first hint of dawn's light escaping above the treetops. However, the slow coming of the day hadn't eased the chill of the land. Selene shivered and drew her robes closer to her body. Even with her robe on she could feel the chill reaching her body. She turned towards the cave and paused briefly before going in.
Although Selene had to navigate the dark tunnel carefully, it seemed only moments had passed before she found herself in Sirius' room. He sat on the edge of his bed with his elbows on his knees and his hands in his hair. Selene did not know if he had heard her come in because his eyes never left the floor.
"So you've come back?" Sirius asked.
"Yes." she said softly
"To taunt me further?" he asked coldly.
"Taunt?" she asked.
Sirius remained silent.
"I did not come to taunt you Sirius." Selene added.
"Stop saying my name." he said angrily.
"Why? Why can't I say your name Siri-" she cut herself off. "You must have some doubts that I'm not an illusion or you would be at Hogwarts as we speak."
He turned and looked at her for the first time, "Would I?" he asked.
Selene realized then that he probably hadn't regain full mobility from Harry's curse. Without thinking of the threat that he still might be to her she knelt down in front of him so she would be at eye level. "I can prove I am Selene. You know that."
Sirius nodded but didn't respond.
She reached out to touch him but he backed away. Selene withdrew her hand and they sat quietly for a few moments staring at each other and wondering what the other would do next.
Sirius no longer feared that Selene was an illusion or that she was some other creation. Now he was more afraid of the possibility that she was real, he was afraid of what that meant and how it would make him feel.
Selene's thoughts drifted back to fate and the thought that maybe she and Sirius were never meant to be together entered her mind again and it tore her up inside. Sirius had never pulled away from her before and that hurt beyond words. Maybe it would be easier to leave and just let things be as they were meant to be. Her mind then wandered to her memories of what Sirius was like before his imprisonment at Azkaban. He was young and exuberant, willful and perhaps a little cocky. He had made her laugh. It was quite a contrast to the Sirius that sat in front of her now. He looked older than he was and his handsome features were hidden under a weary mask. But he still was Sirius and she still loved him and she realized that she wasn't about to give him up without a fight. She looked at Sirius and he in turn met her gaze. She tried again to touch him and he turned away again, but this time she held him back and touched his cheek with her hand.
The same golden dots appeared on her hand as when she had touched Harry and as they traveled up through her finger tips and onto Sirius' face he jerked back momentarily and then relaxed, keeping his eyes fixed on hers. Selene let the magic continue longer this time and soon both of them were glowing from head to toe. Finally Selene withdrew her hand and Sirius crumpled off the bed and onto the floor in front of her. She caught him before he hit the floor and held him.
Sirius let her hold him for a moment, all doubt of who she is was erased. The magic he had felt coursing through him could have come from Selene alone and no other. The realization that Selene was alive and touching him left him feeling weak which accounted for the fall off the bed. Even now he was just able to keep from shaking. He was torn between wanting to do two things. On one hand he wanted her to go away, he wanted that this night had never happened. Selene being alive brought forth a rush of emotions that he didn't think is was able to handle. On the other hand he wanted to hold on to her, to feel her skin, the touch of her lips, and the smell of her hair. He chose neither and instead managed to stand up and brought Selene up with him.
"I can't." he said.
"Can't what?" Selene asked.
"I can't allow myself to love you." he answered.
"Why not?"
Sirius didn't want to answer the question, but he knew he couldn't avoid it. "You have to understand something, Selene." he paused realizing how strange it was to speak her name again, "Azkaban…it had an effect on me."
"I understand that." she answered calmly.
"No you don't!" he yelled more angrily then he had intended. He took a deep breath and then said, "That place slowly eroded away everything inside me. The dementors sucked the life out of me. First I forgot the little things, like Lily's smile or James' laugh. Then I began to not only forget but become indifferent to others that were in my life. There were only three things that I managed to hold on to in that hell. Revenge. Harry. and…" he paused, "and the thought of you."
Selene started to say something but Sirius cut her off.
"It was hard to keep you alive in my mind. The dementors knew that their was something they weren't able to suck from me so they tried harder. Before too long the only clear image I had of you was the night that I thought Crouch had had you killed. It came to the point that I almost wished that they had sucked that memory too, because of how much it hurt to see them kill you over and over…."
"But they didn't kill me." Selene said.
"In my mind they did. Near the end of my imprisonment all that was left of me was a ravaged animal thinking only about revenge. Revenge for Lily and James and revenge for you. That's why its hard for me to see you again. You being here reminds me of everything happy that I am no longer able to feel."
"You can't tell me that you don't feel anything Sirius. I've seen you with Harry, you protect him because you love him."
"Is that why I do it?" he asked. He smiled bitterly, "I'm not so sure. Perhaps I am nothing more than his perpetual guard dog."
"That's not true."
"Why not?"
"You do love Harry. You are just afraid to admit it. You are afraid that if you love or trust anyone again that love and trust will betray you."
"It happened once. It could happen again."
Selene stepped forward and took his hand. "Yes. It could. A lot of things could happen. But are you so willing to give up on us just because there is a possibility that things could go wrong? That isn't the Sirius I knew."
He let go of her hand. "The Sirius you knew is dead." Unable to look at her any longer he turned away.
Selene walked over to the entrance of the tunnel. "If that is how you feel Sirius, fine. I don't have the strength to fight this fight anymore. I just want you to know that I love you and that I will love you until the end of my days." She turned and walked out of the door.
Sirius closed his eyes. He didn't know what to do. His heart wanted him to run after her, but he didn't move. The thought of loving her again and then losing her all over was too great a risk. It would be better for him if he just let her go. Sirius moved over to his writing desk and stared at the portrait he had been drawing when Harry had come into the cave. It was of Selene, of course. He had not been able to get her out of his head ever since Harry had first asked him about her. The portrait was a poor representation of her. The features all skewed by the damaged done by the dementors. He sat down and tried to fix the picture with the freshly painted memory of her face and body. He was surprised when he found a tear hit the corner of his paper. What is this? He asked himself, knowing that Sirius Black doesn't cry. He had only done so once before in his life and that was when Lily and James were murdered.
The fallen tear and those that were welling up in his eyes made Sirius angry. Ever since Azkaban he had promised himself that he would be able to control his emotions and actions, and here he stood helpless against what he was feeling.
He walked outside to get some cool air and to clear his thoughts. He stepped out into the grass and stepped on something peculiar. He moved his foot and picked up a silver necklace that held a small gold ring. He removed it from its chain and read its inscription:
"Now and forever…"
Sirius reached inside his own pocket and drew out the ring's match and laid them side by side in his palm. Together the rings now said:
"Now and forever…thou art my love."
Sirius suddenly remembered that there was one other time that he remembered crying, on his wedding day. He wrapped his hand around his ring and Selene's and felt his eyes begin to water. This time he let the tears come.
Chapter 8: Now and Forever
Selene retraced the steps that she and Harry had made twice that night. There were so many thoughts that ran through her mind as she traveled once again back to Hogsmeade. Most of her thoughts centered around how stupid she was to assume that Sirius would have accepted her immediately for who she was. What was worse was the fact that Selene hadn't even thought to tell Harry what would happen when she and Sirius were reunited. Perhaps she had hoped that everything would be like it was before the curse and Azkaban, but she knew now that it would never be. She fought against the feelings of pain and regret that had surfaced and tried unsuccessfully to hold back the tears in her eyes.
Selene stopped before the exit of the tunnel and tried to pull herself together. She wiped her eyes with the hem of her sleeve and leaned against the cool tunnel wall. For the first time in her life she welcomed the coolness, it relaxed her and took the edge off what she was feeling. Anger. That seemed to be her primary emotion at the moment. She wasn't angry at Sirius, she knew she could never be truly angry at him for what he did, or tried to do, tonight. No, her anger was definitely much broader. Selene Evans was angry at the universe. During her years under the Totale Rhumital curse, Selene had been left with only her thoughts to keep her company, to keep her sane. She had held on to the memories of Sirius, Lily, James, and even little Harry to keep her alive. However, some thoughts had threatened to tear her apart. She played the events of the night of her sisters' murder and the consequent actions over and over in her head. Then green light of the death curse was permanently fixed in her mind as was the sight of seeing Sirius being dragged away from her.
"Sirius." Selene whispered softly, feeling her eyes beginning to water. Everything had been against their being together; timing, circumstances, and even her own flesh were barriers in the way of their life together. She pulled her necklace out from underneath her robes and let her finger play with the charm. Perhaps it was fated to happen, she thought. It had all been too perfect, she had been too happy, of course it had to end.
"Rubish." she said out loud, surprised at how loud she had said it. She told herself that she never put much faith in fate, and she wasn't going to start by letting it consume her and keep her away from Sirius. She straightened her robes and wrapped her arms tightly around her and walked into the brisk Hogsmeade air.
*****************************
About an hour or so after Harry had left, Sirius was able to move again. He felt light-headed from the whole affair and sat against his bed with his knees pulled up to his chin and tried once again to find his resolve. He knew that he should leave the cave and go to Hogwarts and warn Dumbledore and make sure that Harry was safe. But he found himself unable and unwilling to leave the cave. The image of the blood on her arm kept coming back into his mind. That and the intensity of her eyes haunted him. Her green eyes were so familiar and he had felt their gaze penetrate him, even now he could feel it.
Sirius stood up slowly, not all of the effects of the curse had worn off yet, and he walked over to a water basin and washed his face with cool water hoping to be rid of those eyes. It helped, a little. He tried to walk over to his bed, but fell before he got there. He smiled ironically at his godson's will to keep her safe and at the punch that the curse had had on him. "Maybe I'm just getting old." he wondered out loud. He finally made it to his bed and sat on the edge, still lost in thought. If Harry had believed in her so much than maybe…no…he mustn't let himself think that it could be Selene…but yet…those eyes.
********************
Selene hadn't realized how late it was until she arrived at the mouth of Sirius' cave and noticed the first hint of dawn's light escaping above the treetops. However, the slow coming of the day hadn't eased the chill of the land. Selene shivered and drew her robes closer to her body. Even with her robe on she could feel the chill reaching her body. She turned towards the cave and paused briefly before going in.
Although Selene had to navigate the dark tunnel carefully, it seemed only moments had passed before she found herself in Sirius' room. He sat on the edge of his bed with his elbows on his knees and his hands in his hair. Selene did not know if he had heard her come in because his eyes never left the floor.
"So you've come back?" Sirius asked.
"Yes." she said softly
"To taunt me further?" he asked coldly.
"Taunt?" she asked.
Sirius remained silent.
"I did not come to taunt you Sirius." Selene added.
"Stop saying my name." he said angrily.
"Why? Why can't I say your name Siri-" she cut herself off. "You must have some doubts that I'm not an illusion or you would be at Hogwarts as we speak."
He turned and looked at her for the first time, "Would I?" he asked.
Selene realized then that he probably hadn't regain full mobility from Harry's curse. Without thinking of the threat that he still might be to her she knelt down in front of him so she would be at eye level. "I can prove I am Selene. You know that."
Sirius nodded but didn't respond.
She reached out to touch him but he backed away. Selene withdrew her hand and they sat quietly for a few moments staring at each other and wondering what the other would do next.
Sirius no longer feared that Selene was an illusion or that she was some other creation. Now he was more afraid of the possibility that she was real, he was afraid of what that meant and how it would make him feel.
Selene's thoughts drifted back to fate and the thought that maybe she and Sirius were never meant to be together entered her mind again and it tore her up inside. Sirius had never pulled away from her before and that hurt beyond words. Maybe it would be easier to leave and just let things be as they were meant to be. Her mind then wandered to her memories of what Sirius was like before his imprisonment at Azkaban. He was young and exuberant, willful and perhaps a little cocky. He had made her laugh. It was quite a contrast to the Sirius that sat in front of her now. He looked older than he was and his handsome features were hidden under a weary mask. But he still was Sirius and she still loved him and she realized that she wasn't about to give him up without a fight. She looked at Sirius and he in turn met her gaze. She tried again to touch him and he turned away again, but this time she held him back and touched his cheek with her hand.
The same golden dots appeared on her hand as when she had touched Harry and as they traveled up through her finger tips and onto Sirius' face he jerked back momentarily and then relaxed, keeping his eyes fixed on hers. Selene let the magic continue longer this time and soon both of them were glowing from head to toe. Finally Selene withdrew her hand and Sirius crumpled off the bed and onto the floor in front of her. She caught him before he hit the floor and held him.
Sirius let her hold him for a moment, all doubt of who she is was erased. The magic he had felt coursing through him could have come from Selene alone and no other. The realization that Selene was alive and touching him left him feeling weak which accounted for the fall off the bed. Even now he was just able to keep from shaking. He was torn between wanting to do two things. On one hand he wanted her to go away, he wanted that this night had never happened. Selene being alive brought forth a rush of emotions that he didn't think is was able to handle. On the other hand he wanted to hold on to her, to feel her skin, the touch of her lips, and the smell of her hair. He chose neither and instead managed to stand up and brought Selene up with him.
"I can't." he said.
"Can't what?" Selene asked.
"I can't allow myself to love you." he answered.
"Why not?"
Sirius didn't want to answer the question, but he knew he couldn't avoid it. "You have to understand something, Selene." he paused realizing how strange it was to speak her name again, "Azkaban…it had an effect on me."
"I understand that." she answered calmly.
"No you don't!" he yelled more angrily then he had intended. He took a deep breath and then said, "That place slowly eroded away everything inside me. The dementors sucked the life out of me. First I forgot the little things, like Lily's smile or James' laugh. Then I began to not only forget but become indifferent to others that were in my life. There were only three things that I managed to hold on to in that hell. Revenge. Harry. and…" he paused, "and the thought of you."
Selene started to say something but Sirius cut her off.
"It was hard to keep you alive in my mind. The dementors knew that their was something they weren't able to suck from me so they tried harder. Before too long the only clear image I had of you was the night that I thought Crouch had had you killed. It came to the point that I almost wished that they had sucked that memory too, because of how much it hurt to see them kill you over and over…."
"But they didn't kill me." Selene said.
"In my mind they did. Near the end of my imprisonment all that was left of me was a ravaged animal thinking only about revenge. Revenge for Lily and James and revenge for you. That's why its hard for me to see you again. You being here reminds me of everything happy that I am no longer able to feel."
"You can't tell me that you don't feel anything Sirius. I've seen you with Harry, you protect him because you love him."
"Is that why I do it?" he asked. He smiled bitterly, "I'm not so sure. Perhaps I am nothing more than his perpetual guard dog."
"That's not true."
"Why not?"
"You do love Harry. You are just afraid to admit it. You are afraid that if you love or trust anyone again that love and trust will betray you."
"It happened once. It could happen again."
Selene stepped forward and took his hand. "Yes. It could. A lot of things could happen. But are you so willing to give up on us just because there is a possibility that things could go wrong? That isn't the Sirius I knew."
He let go of her hand. "The Sirius you knew is dead." Unable to look at her any longer he turned away.
Selene walked over to the entrance of the tunnel. "If that is how you feel Sirius, fine. I don't have the strength to fight this fight anymore. I just want you to know that I love you and that I will love you until the end of my days." She turned and walked out of the door.
Sirius closed his eyes. He didn't know what to do. His heart wanted him to run after her, but he didn't move. The thought of loving her again and then losing her all over was too great a risk. It would be better for him if he just let her go. Sirius moved over to his writing desk and stared at the portrait he had been drawing when Harry had come into the cave. It was of Selene, of course. He had not been able to get her out of his head ever since Harry had first asked him about her. The portrait was a poor representation of her. The features all skewed by the damaged done by the dementors. He sat down and tried to fix the picture with the freshly painted memory of her face and body. He was surprised when he found a tear hit the corner of his paper. What is this? He asked himself, knowing that Sirius Black doesn't cry. He had only done so once before in his life and that was when Lily and James were murdered.
The fallen tear and those that were welling up in his eyes made Sirius angry. Ever since Azkaban he had promised himself that he would be able to control his emotions and actions, and here he stood helpless against what he was feeling.
He walked outside to get some cool air and to clear his thoughts. He stepped out into the grass and stepped on something peculiar. He moved his foot and picked up a silver necklace that held a small gold ring. He removed it from its chain and read its inscription:
"Now and forever…"
Sirius reached inside his own pocket and drew out the ring's match and laid them side by side in his palm. Together the rings now said:
"Now and forever…thou art my love."
Sirius suddenly remembered that there was one other time that he remembered crying, on his wedding day. He wrapped his hand around his ring and Selene's and felt his eyes begin to water. This time he let the tears come.