When I awake I briefly wonder if I'm dead. I feel nothing and I know
somewhere dimly in the back of my mind I should be feeling pain but all I
feel is numbness. I breathe in musty air and let out a weak cough. I
desperately need water but I know from the past experience of being down in
this small space that there is none, only some damp earth that is
impossible to drain any liquid from. I move up slowly, testing my limbs for
any broken bones. I wince as pain shoots through my ankle which is now
quite possibly broken. I sometimes feel as if I shall go mad down here with
nothing but darkness so deep that when you wave you hand in front of your
eyes you have suddenly become blind. I breathe in and out slowly to test
other functions. My skin stretched impossibly so, over my ribs is tender to
the touch, feeling almost like the raw meat my Master occasionally brings
home on a good day. My legs are my primary concern and I cautiously feel my
way down my small body to them. I bite my lip to keep from screaming in
pain, afraid that my Master will hear me and further punish me for making
too much of a ruckus. I worry that I will have permanent damage but
although the agony is great I seem to be able to move my legs.
I often think I would be better off where I was before. In the cages. That was the last time I had seen my kind. I had been much younger then, though I cannot recall my exact age. I was definitely a child. All around me were exotic creatures but the one next to me was the only one I recognized as my own. He was old with lines creasing his face, his curly hair gray, and hanging down his face in dirty clumps. And I felt warmth towards him because somehow I knew he was there, protecting me.
"Look no one in the eye child, and try to look as invisible as possible." His voice was harsh and his eyes looked stern but I knew he worried for my safety. There was a familiarity to him. Somehow he was someone I knew but it was so long ago and the fear is so great that the wisp of that memory is gone. I did as he said though, that much I can remember. I shrank into the corner of the cage trying to look undesirable. But I was the youngest of my kind there and therefore had the longest amount of work left in me. Soon over the shouting protests of my companion I was yanked to my feet and dragged out of the cage. I can still remember his frantic shouts fading fast behind me.
"Do not pick the child! She is disease ridden! She is weak and worthless! I could do much better!" but his voice slowly disappeared and I found myself shoved onto some sort of wooden stage. Below me seemed to be hundreds of different sized men. Yes, something told me those were humans though how I came by this knowledge I am unsure. What is a human? I just know I am not one even if I don't know exactly what manner of creature I am. In front of me was one of the men who had dragged me from my imprisonment. He was shouting out unfamiliar words but I did understand the intent. He meant to sell me. Like an animal or some sort of goods at a market square. Even being such a young child I felt humiliation sweep over me as I realized what had been happening. I wanted to protest but I felt a sharp warning jab of the stick in my side when I opened my mouth. I fell silent and watched in disbelief as the crowd let out a loud cheer and suddenly I was once again dragged in the direction of some steps leading off stage. There I stared up at my Master for the first time. He was tall. So terribly tall I felt I had been thrown into a world of giants, or that as some cruel joke, I had been shrunken down to the size of an insect in a normal sized world. I swallowed and opened my mouth to speak my final words.
"Where's my mama?" I began crying then and my Master glared down at me in disgust. He looked at the man who had dragged me off the stage and they seemed to be conversing together while I cried. Finally he bent down to my level and spoke.
"Listen Hafling, I don't want to hear you speak ever again. I don't want to even have to tolerate the sound of your worthless voice. From now on I am your Master and you are mine. I own you. You will do whatever is asked of you or you will regret that your worthless self was ever born into this world."
I continued to cry and received my first punishment. A sharp back hand across the face and a bloody lip. When he took me home he told me to fix his supper. I didn't know how to cook and when I burnt his meal I was rewarded with another vicious slap.
"I told you not to speak to me! What did I say?!" He waved his hand in front of my face and I shrank away from it trying to become what the elder man had said to do. Become invisible. "You will learn to cook."
And I did. I learned very quickly to prevent another bruise or broken bone. I secretly think he loves the moments when I mess up and he gets to deal out his punishments. But I do not make it easy for him.
I soon settled into my new way of life like I had never left an old life behind. I do chores for most of my day and the small amount of time I do have for myself I daydream about my old life, and then daydream about my possible old life. Until that fades into dreaming of a life I possibly want. Some day I fear I will completely forget the idea that there was someone else out there like me. After all, it might have been some illusion my mind conjured up to make me feel like I'm not so very alone in this world. Not such a freak as my Master calls me.
The darkness seems crushing now, stealing my very breath in it's black claws, making me want to close my eyes and wish the world away. There has to be something else out there, something outside this life of endless chores and painful dark nights. Something outside closed fists and swollen flesh. But it is no matter now, as sleep takes hold of my mind and drags me down into its deep darkness.
I often think I would be better off where I was before. In the cages. That was the last time I had seen my kind. I had been much younger then, though I cannot recall my exact age. I was definitely a child. All around me were exotic creatures but the one next to me was the only one I recognized as my own. He was old with lines creasing his face, his curly hair gray, and hanging down his face in dirty clumps. And I felt warmth towards him because somehow I knew he was there, protecting me.
"Look no one in the eye child, and try to look as invisible as possible." His voice was harsh and his eyes looked stern but I knew he worried for my safety. There was a familiarity to him. Somehow he was someone I knew but it was so long ago and the fear is so great that the wisp of that memory is gone. I did as he said though, that much I can remember. I shrank into the corner of the cage trying to look undesirable. But I was the youngest of my kind there and therefore had the longest amount of work left in me. Soon over the shouting protests of my companion I was yanked to my feet and dragged out of the cage. I can still remember his frantic shouts fading fast behind me.
"Do not pick the child! She is disease ridden! She is weak and worthless! I could do much better!" but his voice slowly disappeared and I found myself shoved onto some sort of wooden stage. Below me seemed to be hundreds of different sized men. Yes, something told me those were humans though how I came by this knowledge I am unsure. What is a human? I just know I am not one even if I don't know exactly what manner of creature I am. In front of me was one of the men who had dragged me from my imprisonment. He was shouting out unfamiliar words but I did understand the intent. He meant to sell me. Like an animal or some sort of goods at a market square. Even being such a young child I felt humiliation sweep over me as I realized what had been happening. I wanted to protest but I felt a sharp warning jab of the stick in my side when I opened my mouth. I fell silent and watched in disbelief as the crowd let out a loud cheer and suddenly I was once again dragged in the direction of some steps leading off stage. There I stared up at my Master for the first time. He was tall. So terribly tall I felt I had been thrown into a world of giants, or that as some cruel joke, I had been shrunken down to the size of an insect in a normal sized world. I swallowed and opened my mouth to speak my final words.
"Where's my mama?" I began crying then and my Master glared down at me in disgust. He looked at the man who had dragged me off the stage and they seemed to be conversing together while I cried. Finally he bent down to my level and spoke.
"Listen Hafling, I don't want to hear you speak ever again. I don't want to even have to tolerate the sound of your worthless voice. From now on I am your Master and you are mine. I own you. You will do whatever is asked of you or you will regret that your worthless self was ever born into this world."
I continued to cry and received my first punishment. A sharp back hand across the face and a bloody lip. When he took me home he told me to fix his supper. I didn't know how to cook and when I burnt his meal I was rewarded with another vicious slap.
"I told you not to speak to me! What did I say?!" He waved his hand in front of my face and I shrank away from it trying to become what the elder man had said to do. Become invisible. "You will learn to cook."
And I did. I learned very quickly to prevent another bruise or broken bone. I secretly think he loves the moments when I mess up and he gets to deal out his punishments. But I do not make it easy for him.
I soon settled into my new way of life like I had never left an old life behind. I do chores for most of my day and the small amount of time I do have for myself I daydream about my old life, and then daydream about my possible old life. Until that fades into dreaming of a life I possibly want. Some day I fear I will completely forget the idea that there was someone else out there like me. After all, it might have been some illusion my mind conjured up to make me feel like I'm not so very alone in this world. Not such a freak as my Master calls me.
The darkness seems crushing now, stealing my very breath in it's black claws, making me want to close my eyes and wish the world away. There has to be something else out there, something outside this life of endless chores and painful dark nights. Something outside closed fists and swollen flesh. But it is no matter now, as sleep takes hold of my mind and drags me down into its deep darkness.