by Oregano
EXT. STARS HOLLOW - DAY
The town is beautifully decorated with Christmas decor. Rooftops are covered with snow, wreaths and poinsettias are hung all over, and there are some plastic Santa's Elves on the ground. We ZOOM onto a sidewalk to see LORELAI GILMORE and her daughter, RORY GILMORE. They are wearing thick jackets, scarves, and toques. They are on their way to LUKE'S DINER.
LORELAI
Ah, winter. The season for scary and annoying relatives, ugly and unwanted presents, and freak snow accidents.
Lorelai takes a deep breath and spreads her arms out.
RORY
It's nice to know you're into the REAL spirit of Christmas.
LORELAI
I'm a regular Santa Claus, baby.
INT. LUKE'S DINER – DAY
The diner is not very busy tonight. There are only a few people sitting inside,
eating quietly. From behind the counter, LUKE DANES looks up and nods at the two
newcomers.
LUKE
What can I get you?
Lorelai and Rory take their seats at a nearby table.
LORELAI
Two silos of coffee, my good man, for myself and this young lady.
RORY
This young lady would also appreciate a plate of chili fries, please.
Luke rolls his eyes and grabs two mugs and the coffee pot. He walks over to them
and puts the mugs down.
LUKE
Oh, yeah. I'm closing up the Diner for this weekend; so I suggest that you guys
stock up on some coffee and some actual food for a few days.
Lorelai is horrified. She shakes her head disbelievingly and gasps.
LORELAI
What? No! Why do you choose to forsake us, Luke Danes? Why? Why would you do
that?
Luke remains nonchalant, as if he did not just witness Lorelai's reaction. He
continues pouring coffee for them.
LUKE
If you'd stop saying the word, "Why," maybe I can work in my explanation. Jess
and I are going to this stupid reunion thing this weekend. I've blown them off
for six years in a row and apparently, they're not letting this year slide.
They're pretty pissed.
RORY
Oh, Jess is coming too?
LUKE
Yep. He's infuriated as hell. He's never seen or even met these guys and they're
dragging him into it. And as much as I enjoy his discomfort, it's scaring my
customers.
LORELAI
(waves her hand absently)
Everything that boy does scares the customers.
INT. LUKE'S APPARTMENT – THE LIVING ROOM - DAY
JESS MARIANO is on the couch, WATCHING TELEVISION. It is an old episode of I
LOVE LUCY. He just watches unmoving, while the characters talk. He is obviously
in a bad mood. We hear laughter from the television audience from time to time.
A knock on the door makes him look up. The door opens a crack and RORY'S head
pops in. Jess looks at her for a second and turns back to the show without
further acknowledgement.
RORY
Hey, Jess.
JESS
(not looking up from the television)
What are you doing here, Rory?
Rory enters.
RORY
(looks around nervously)
Um, Luke said that you were pretty upset over this whole reunion thing. I came
over to see how you're doing.
JESS
(still not looking at her)
Still alive. Thanks for checking.
RORY
Maybe it won't be that bad, you know.
JESS
Yeah, whatever.
Rory sees that there is nothing more she can do for Jess. She smiles sadly at
him and turns to leave.
RORY
Bye, Jess.
When the door closes behind Rory, we see Jess' eyebrows furrow and he gives out
a frustrated sigh. The television audience laughs again.
EXT. LUKE'S DINER – DAY
A big pick-up truck is parked outside. Luke and Jess are heaving their
belongings onto the back of the vehicle.
LUKE
Jess, I know this isn't going to be the best weekend ever—
Jess looks at his uncle pointedly and hands him a big bag.
LUKE
(cont'd)
-- and these aren't the best people to be with –
Jess continues to be silent.
LUKE
(cont'd)
--I'm not even saying to try to get along with them - because that's more
impossible than making you talk right now – I'm just asking that maybe you could
stay out of trouble for a few days?
Jess refuses to answer and keeps on giving Luke baggage until there is no more.
He sees that Luke is looking at him, waiting for an answer. Jess gives him a
glare and walks to the door of the truck.
JESS
(opening the door)
Let's just go and get this stupid thing over with.
Luke heaves a sigh and walks over to the driver's side of the truck.
LUKE
(muttering)
I hate Christmas.
EXT. DANES MANSION – DAY
The pick-up truck stops in front of a humongous lawn area. Behind the green
expanse stands a very, very big house that seems to look like a mansion. There
are tall white pillars in front of the house and they are all very gaily
decorated with Christmas décor. The house itself is surrounded by little
shrubbery and tall trees.
Luke and Jess peer out the window.
LUKE
Jesus. This used to be a little house made of plywood and four-by-fours. Now
it's like the freaking White House from Hell.
JESS
These people have been quite busy these last six years, then?
After the truck goes around the 'front lawn,' Luke kills the engine and steps
out. Jess slowly does the same.
LUKE
God, I feel like I just used up half my tank to get around that Goddamn thing.
The front door suddenly bursts open and a relative rushes towards the two. A
very fat, jolly man in a Santa suit (UNCLE HUEY) is the first to reach Luke and
Jess.
UNCLE HUEY
Oh-ho-ho-ho! Can these two strangers really be our Luke and Little Jessie?
Uncle Huey walks over to Luke, ready for a hug. Luke scowls and backs away.
LUKE
Huey, if you touch me, I swear, I will strangle you with a wreath.
UNCLE HUEY
Ho-ho-ho-kay! I'll just go and hug THIS guy then!
Uncle Huey turns and makes his way to Jess.
JESS
Strangulation from a wreath will be a BLESSING compared to what I will do to you
if you lay ONE finger on me. And it's just 'Jess'. There isn't and never will
have an '-ie'.
Through his fake beard, Uncle Huey's eyes widen. He shakes his head dejectedly.
UNCLE HUEY
(whispers)
Just like Louie; both of you are just like Louie.
INT. DANES MANSION – FOYER- DAY
We see here that the interior of the mansion is just as elegant as the exterior.
There are two large oak tables on each side; picture frames and vases stand on
top of them, proudly announcing that the owner of this house was as wealthy as
hell; and a very expensive looking carpet lay in the middle of it all, showing
the way to the Grand Staircase.
Luke and Jess, carrying their bags, are in awe of it all. Forgetting the scene
that happened outside, Uncle Huey rubs his hands together proudly.
UNCLE HUEY
So, what do you think, Luke?
LUKE
Where the hell did you get the money to buy all this?
UNCLE HUEY
Oh, one of my sons, Brad, became this computer specialist. He was able to design
some online program thingamajig all by himself and now, he's probably as rich as
Bill Gates and Britney Spears combined. Renovated the house for Lola's birthday.
Sweet kid.
LUKE
(whispers to Jess)
But also the biggest nerd to walk the planet.
From inside a hallway, we hear high heels clacking against the tile floor.
AUNTIE LOLA (O.S.)
I'm so glad you boys could come! Luke! Ah… child! Come and give me a kiss!
Auntie Lola appears from the opening of the hallway wearing a Mrs. Claus
costume. Luke and Jess share a look and remain where they are.
LUKE
No thanks. And his name's Jess, Lola – Liz's kid.
AUNTIE LOLA
This is LIZ'S kid?! Oh! He's a handsome young devil, isn't he?
LUKE
(obviously faking enthusiasm)
A regular Warren Beatty.
(glares at Jess)
Without the sex issues, I hope.
JESS
(quietly, to Luke)
You have got to be the biggest dork I've ever
met.
LUKE
Hey, Natalie Wood went insane because of you.
JESS
My comment still stands. A little
straighter and a little prouder, with that Natalie Wood comment.
INT. DANES MANSION – JESS AND LUKE'S ROOM – NIGHT
The room looks like a hotel suite. Two single beds are beside each other, with a
dresser table in between. An expensive-looking lamp lights up the room. The two
have already unpacked. Clothes lay on the bed and hung on the chairs.
Luke and Jess are getting ready for the FIRST MEAL that they are to share with
their relatives. Luke is fixing his collar while Jess is buttoning his shirt up.
LUKE
Remember Jess, no trouble, okay? These psychos are still relatives.
Jess does not answer and heads out of the room.
INT. DANES MANSION – THE DINING ROOM – NIGHT
There is a beautiful scene that welcomes Luke and Jess downstairs. They stand by
the hall entrance. We PUSH THROUGH THEIR SHOULDERS to see what they are seeing.
A very long dining table is filled with more than forty settings. At one side of
the room, a large buffet was positioned. A large crowd of brothers, sisters,
fathers, mothers, and in-laws had already gathered. The room is noisy.
JESS
(sarcastic to Luke)
There's no place like home, is there, Toto?
INT. DANES MANSION – THE DINING ROOM – NIGHT (LATER)
They are seated and the soup is served.
LUKE
It's the damned Bracebridge Dinner all over again.
JESS
Are you sure we're related to these mooks?
LUKE
(picks out some things off his spoon)
What is wrong with this soup? Is this asparagus, mushroom or cheese?
JESS
If that old lady looks at me again, I'll…
Before Jess can finish his sentence, a middle-aged woman, AUNT SERENA, cuts him
off.
AUNT SERENA
(disbelieving)
Fat Luke?
Luke's head shoots up. His face is angry and embarrassed. He puts down his spoon
and turns to Aunt Serena.
JESS
Is that why you eat so healthy?
LUKE
(ignores Jess)
Serena.
AUNT SERENA
Aw! It's Fat Luke! Well, you've certainly lost all that fat! So, who is this
charming rascal?
LUKE
Liz's son. Jess.
AUNT SERENA
How IS Liz?
LUKE
You mean she's not here?
AUNT SERENA
Hello, young man. How are you? … Oh, Luke, dear, is the poor boy deaf?
Luke glances at Jess and sees him nodding subtly.
LUKE
Ah, yeah. Deaf as a post.
INT. DANES MANSION – LUKE AND JESS' ROOM – NIGHT
Luke and Jess are getting ready for bed.
JESS
I hate these people. One guy's all over curling, keeps bugging me to go and "rub
that floor along with him!" and this woman just tried to marry me off to, who, I
believe is a first cousin.
LUKE
I think she tried to marry me off to her sixty-year old sister, too. Big hair?
Glasses? God-awful dress?
JESS
They're all on medication, aren't they? Why'd you have to bring me here?
LUKE
You know I did everything I could to get out of it.
JESS
Then how come my mom isn't here?
LUKE
I asked Huey, the loser in the Santa get-up; he says that they're all afraid of
Liz. After that whole drunken speech she did about how much she hated everyone a
few years back, they weren't looking forward to hearing what she had to say this
year. And everyone knew she didn't really want to come, so nobody bothered to
invite her.
JESS
Well, they should have known that we didn't want to go either.
LUKE
Yes, but they're not afraid of us. They think we're just cranky to be cute.
Losers. They still think that we secretly love them. Well I hate them. Openly
and secretly. Bastards.
We PAN OVER to Jess, who is quietly thinking. Suddenly, he faces Luke.
JESS
You really hate them?
LUKE
I despise them. I never want to set foot in this house ever again.
JESS
I think I can provide some of my services in that area.
LUKE
I never want to hear that sentence uttered by you ever again.
JESS
Something so harmless yet so diabolical. But I can't have you back out in the
middle of it all, Luke. I need you to go all the way for this to work.
Luke hesitates for a moment.
JESS
I'm waiting for an answer, FAT LUKE.
LUKE
I hate that.
(beat)
Fine, count me in.
EXT. DANES MANSION – THE GARDEN – DAY
The Danes' Garden seems to be even larger than the front lawn. In the middle of
the whole thing is a large open-sided tent. Tables are set up. It's kind of like
a wedding reception, but not. There is a larger table meant for the finger foods
and beverages. People mix and mingle, talking to one another. At one side of the
party, Luke and Jess stand smiling.
JESS (V.O.)
These guys know you and now me as cranky sons of bitches, right? We're crass,
we're rude and we basically border along the lines of antisocial. The only thing
we can do to freak them out is to act the exact opposite.
UNCLE HUEY walks over to them, beaming.
UNCLE HUEY
You boys seem to be enjoying yourselves! You grouchy-poos probably just needed
some rest. Did you enjoy the room? Cost us about half a million for each one.
LUKE
Yes, we did enjoy it, Huey, my man!
JESS (V.O.)
We'll be so damn nice and so damn cute almost to the point of no return. We'll
use that as a cover. But we have to be careful. We need to know how each one
ticks to be sure how much pressure to apply when pushing their buttons.
While Luke and Huey are talking, we follow Jess as he carefully slips away
unnoticed. He makes his way to the punch bowl. His eyes are alert as he reaches
into his pocket to produce a small silver FLASK.
LUKE (V.O.)
No problem. Huey turns stark raving mad when he tastes even just a drop of
alcohol.
JESS (V.O.)
We'll use vodka then.
LUKE (V.O.)
Since when do you carry vodka?
JESS (V.O.)
Do you want freedom or not?
LUKE (V.O.)
Forget I asked.
Jess opens the FLASK and pours its contents into the bowl. Jess has just spiked
the punch.
EXT. DANES MANSION – THE GARDEN – DAY (LATER)
Uncle Huey is drunk. He is woozy and his speech is slurred. He puts an arm
around Luke's shoulders and laughs.
LUKE (V.O.)
Right.
(beat)
When he gets drunk, it's like a chain reaction.
UNCLE HUEY
(drunk)
Do you know who's bad in bed?
People stop talking and turn to look at Drunk Uncle Huey. He points to AUNTIE
LOLA. She is hurt and starts to cry.
UNCLE HUEY
(cont'd)
She's HORRIBLE!
(laughs)
LUKE (V.O.)
Lola's the sensitive type. Pat her on the back, and she goes flying out the
window.
Lola is bawling her eyes out and runs inside the house.
AUNTIE LOLA
I try so hard to please you! All that kinky stuff and you're still not
SATISFIED?!
The gathering of people is shocked at the couple's display. Luke drops Huey down
on a chair and discreetly walks toward Jess. They share a sly look each take a
swig of their drinks.
INT. DANES MASION – THE LIVING ROOM – DAY
Huey, now sober, has just learned what he had done. He sits on an expensive
couch and puts his head in his hands.
LUKE (V.O.)
Huey is also a rampant homophobe.
Jess comes inside and sits beside him. He looks at Huey lovingly and starts to
caress his arm.
JESS
Hey, Uncle Huey. Are you all right? I'm really sorry.
UNCLE HUEY
(smiles a bit)
It isn't your fault, my boy.
Jess leans closer to Huey and looks at him expressively.
JESS
Even so. Maybe I can make it up to you…
UNCLE HUEY
What the… OH! Oh, Lord Almighty! I, ah, I, um… I have to go…
Uncle Huey stands and starts to walk away.
JESS
(singsong)
Hurry back!
Uncle Huey breaks into a RUN.
INT. DANES HOUSE – LUKE AND JESS' ROOM – DAY
The door is open. From the door, we move onto the inside of the room. Jess is on
the bed, reading and Luke is sitting on the sofa, watching a baseball game.
A LITTLE BOY appears from the doorway. He looks at Jess intently.
Jess looks up from his book and growls at the kid. He boy freezes for a moment
and then backs out of the room. Once he is out of sight, we hear him running
away.
LITTLE BOY (O.C.)
MOM! Gay Cousin Jess growled at me!
LUKE
News of your new sexual identity spread around the house like wildfire this
morning.
JESS
It would seem so.
LUKE
I guess that you were quite the actor.
JESS
Deserved an Oscar, if I may say so myself.
(beat)
I'm ready for my second role. Are you?
Luke turns off the television and faces Jess.
INT. DANES MANSION – THE LIVING ROOM – DAY
Everyone is gathered around the Danes' Christmas Tree. Luke and Jess are sitting
side by side. We see that there seems to be a three-foot radius around the two
of them.
AUNT SERENA
Okay you guys! Time for the presents!
Luke coughs. This is the signal that Jess has been waiting for.
JESS
Galu-ga-gaaaah!
Jess suddenly breaks into SPASMS. He jerks around and his mouth is gurgling with
saliva.
Luke suddenly stands and panics.
LUKE
His Epilepsy is attacking again!
AUNT SERENA
Epilepsy?
LUKE
Yes! It was from all the crack Liz took when she was pregnant with Jess! Someone
give me a hand!
The three-foot radius becomes wider.
AUNT SERENA
He's deaf and epileptic?
LUKE
Ah, crap! Someone hand me a tissue! Yes, he is. Damn rabies!
AUNT SERENA
Rabies?!
LUKE
Yeah, he got bit by a dog when he was seven. Dammit! Keep still!
Aunt Serena's eyes roll to the back of her skull and she faints. Everyone else
just stands there without moving. Jess gives out a loud growl and falls to the
floor, and seizures even more.
Everyone sees this and runs away screaming. When the living room is all cleared
out, Jess wipes his mouth and stands.
JESS
A beautiful performance.
LUKE
I agree.
MONTAGE:
EXT. DANES MANSION – FRONT DOOR – DAY
A seemingly drunken Luke waltzes over to a man with glasses (BRAD). He puts his
arms around him and talks, from what looks like it, about Jess.
Brad looks horrified.
INT. DANES MANSION – LUKE AND JESS' ROOM – NIGHT
Luke and Jess are talking. Jess takes out a small notebook and starts to write
notes. He looks like he is telling Luke what to do. Luke nods.
EXT. DANES MANSION – THE LIVING ROOM – DAY
Jess is walking over to the Christmas tree. He meets the same LITTLE BOY. He
sneers at him.
The boy runs away yet again.
INT. DANES MANSION – LUKE AND JESS' ROOM – NIGHT
Luke is talking and makes some sort of gesture. He points to the notebook and
looks at Jess expectantly.
Jess furrows his brow and thinks for a moment; then, he nods.
INT. DANES MANSION – THE FOYER – DAY
Jess is playing with the vases in the foyer. He tosses them up and down but doesn't catch one and it shatters to the ground. More vases fall to the floor
from the momentary distraction. He slowly walks away.
Brad walks into the scene whistling. Uncle Huey then comes down from the Grand
Staircase and yells at Brad. Uncle Huey thinks Brad broke the vases.
END MONTAGE.
INT. DANES MANSION – HALLWAY – DAY
Luke and Jess look on as UCLE HUEY screams his head off.
JESS
Mission completed?
LUKE
Hell, yeah.
EXT. DANES MANSION – FRONT DOOR – DAY
Luke and Jess are getting ready to go home. They take all their bags and pile up
behind the pick-up truck. We see that the relatives just stand there, not
helping. They are all obviously afraid of Luke and Jess.
LUKE
You know what, you guys? I really had a ton of fun this weekend.
JESS
Yeah. Me too.
Uncle Huey just forces a smile and nods.
UNCLE HUEY
We're, ah, all glad you boys came this year. R-really brightened up the season.
LUKE
So, next year ag—
UNCLE HUEY
NO! Ah, I mean, I don't think we'll be having a get-together next year.
(beat)
Saving up some money, you know. Lola and I still have little Tommy to put
through college…
Jess smirks and Luke bites his lip.
LUKE
Oh. Too bad then. Well, Tommy comes first, I guess.
JESS
Give me a hug, Uncle Huey!
UNCLE HUEY
AAK! No thank you, my boy. My, ah, my hands are all dirty from all that, er,
gardening…
JESS
But you didn't—
UNCLE HUEY
Goodbye!
Uncle Huey runs towards the door and slams it shut without a second glance.
Luke gives Jess the thumbs-up sign and gets into the driver's seat.
LUKE
Pure genius, kid. Absolute genius.
JESS
I would like to thank my agent and all the little people who have made this
possible.
EXT. STARS HOLLOW – SIDEWALK – DAY
Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the curb across Luke's Diner.
LORELAI
So… what time are they coming back again?
RORY
I don't think they're ever coming back.
Lorelai sighs and bows her head.
A familiar truck pulls over in front of the Diner. Lorelai and Rory jump to
their feet and casually walk to it. Luke gets out of the truck.
LORELAI
Oh! Fancy running into you, um, Mr. Danes, was it?
LUKE
Hello, Lorelai.
LORELAI
Don't you own this quaint little diner over here? I hear that the coffee here is
superb. Might I try a sample cup?
(beat)
Not that I've been deprived of it for a whole weekend. It's not like I pass by
everyday I hopes of seeing your 'Closed' sign magically turn over to become an
'Open' sign. It's not like I've plotted to throw a brick at your wonderful
little window over there and steal your coffee. It's not like I sit—
LUKE
Oh, my God. Lorelai, shut up. I will go and make your coffee.
LORELAI
Right now?
LUKE
After I unload—
LORELAI
Really? You'd leave all this stuff just to make coffee? Right now? For me?
LUKE
No, I said—
LORELAI
Because it's not like I'm in a—
LUKE
Jesus.
We follow Luke as he stalks into the diner with Lorelai following him. Before
they get to the door, Luke stops.
A plastic Christmas elf happily sits in front of the door.
Luke glares at it.
LUKE
What the hell is this? Is this some sort of joke?
LORELAI
No, um, Taylor put it there a few days ago. He said that "with Luke gone for a
few days, I'll put this here so it seems like he's into the whole spirit of
Christmas."
Luke kicks it to the side angrily. The elf flies into the air like a soccer
ball.
LORELAI
(looks where the elf lands OC)
Three points for the team.
EXT. STARS HOLLOW – LUKE'S DINER – DAY
Jess is unloading the truck all by himself since Luke has deserted him for
Lorelai and her coffee. Rory comes over and helps him out.
RORY
So, how was it?
JESS
Hell. Inferno.
RORY
You mean you didn't have the slightest bit of fun?
JESS
Nope. Actually, those people made me understand why arsonists and murderers do
what they do.
RORY
It was that bad?
Rory sees a tiny smile playing around Jess' lips.
RORY
You had fun.
JESS
What? No! I told you, it was hell! What else do you want me to say?
RORY
You are smiling, mister. You SO had fun. Admit it!
JESS
I will not because I had no fun whatsoever!
RORY
You are a stinking liar, Jess.
JESS
Huh. People say I'm a great actor, though.
RORY
Something happened, didn't there?
JESS
I will say this slowly: nooothiiing haaapeeened.
RORY
Well, you seem to be in a good mood though. That's a good sign.
JESS
Why?
RORY
Because…
(beat)
Because it's nice to see you happy.
JESS
Why do you care so much that I be happy?
RORY
I don't!
Jess gives her a knowing smile and carries two bags into the diner.
RORY
(cont'd)
I DON'T!
INT. STARS HOLLOW – LUKE'S DINER – DAY
We follow Jess inside. We pass Luke, who is already making the coffee while
Lorelai sits by the counter.
JESS
Hey, maybe a little help with this will do you good, huh? A little exercise will
keep all that cellulite in your thighs at bay, FAT LUKE.
Jess continues on up into the apartment.
Luke looks towards where Jess has gone and twists his mouth.
LUKE
You should talk, Gay Cousin Jess!
(chuckles to himself)
Luke faces the Gilmores, smiling at first, then he suddenly becomes embarrassed.
We PAN OVER to Lorelai with a confused look and Rory with a curious smile. Luke
nervously points to the bags outside.
LUKE
Um, I'm just gonna go get those…
END.