Part Eight
Buffy returned tot he house later that night after spending a long day looking for a job with no success and wanting only to take a long hot bath and eat greasy pizza in that order. Upon entering the house she was surprised to hear the sound of Tara and Willow talking to Spike in the kitchen. It was unusual for Tara to come over when Willow was home, she was still trying to deal with the fallout of Willow's addiction and what it will mean to a possible reconciliation. And talking to Spike? That was new, mostly everyone tried to avoid talking to him since every word out of his mouth made people uncomfortable.
As she reached the kitchen she heard Tara speak ad she stopped short of the room when she realized that they were talking about her.
"But, Spike, won't Buffy be a-angry that you told us? She's such a p-private p-person."
"Yeah she will but I don't care, it's doin' her more harm than good keepin' it bottled up inside."
Buffy felt ice traveling through her veins at their words. Spike had betrayed her. He had told her friends about hem. It didn't take long for her rage to gather and burn away the immobility and she felt it surge through her body as if it was a separate entity with one goal in mind. Making Spike pay for what he had done.
Just then the occupants of the room noticed the slayer standing in the doorway and immediately Willow and Tara both adopted looks of identical guilt. Willow was about to open her mouth to explain what they were discussing but noticed that Buffy wasn't even looking at the two witches. Her vengeful stare was directed at Spike and Willow had a bad feeling that things were about to get ugly and she felt the inexplicable urge to protect the vampire. This slayer was on that Willow had never seen before and she had to admit it was terrifying.
Spike had been leaning forward on the kitchen island talking to the witches when Buffy entered and he now pulled himself up to his full height knowing that he was in trouble. Fully aware of the rage directed at him he decided against trying to talk his way around her wrath and settled an expression of acceptance on his features. This would not end well for him.
Without a word, Buffy moved to stand in front of the platinum vampire and looked him directly in the eyes as she spoke, "You are so pathetic, Spike." Even though the words were quiet there was no mistaking the venom in her voice and still he remained uncharacteristically closed mouthed.
"I told you that I didn't want my friends to know and you just couldn't resist bragging about how you bagged another slayer! So, was this the big plan? Knowing you couldn't actually kill me you decided to go for the complete humiliation and degradation instead? Wait until I'm vulnerable and lacking in judgement, play the strong supportive guy and get me to sleep with you? Maybe you're not as stupid as you look, Spike. Maybe. Well it worked. I hat myself more now that I ever have and now everyone knows how amazingly disgusting I am to have ever been with you!"
Willow and Tara stood in open-mouthed shock as Buffy's fist connected with Spike's jaw and the vampire fell to the ground. Buffy pulled him up by the front of his shirt and began to drag him to the front door.
Spike, realizing that Buffy had completely misunderstood what she heard when she arrived, tried to explain.
"Hold up, Slayer! You-"
"SHUT UP SPIKE! Don't ever talk to me again!"
Buffy managed to get a struggling Spike out the door where she pushed him with all her slayer strength sending him crashing into the large tree in the front yard. It took Spike a moment to regain his senses and stand up again and back on his feet he tried once again to straighten things out but she beat him to it.
"Stay away from me Spike. Stay away from my friends and my sister and my house and anything else that has anything to do with me! I NEVER want to see you again you worthless piece of shit! God what was I thinking getting involved with you? I did come back wrong, because that is the only way you would have ever had a chance with me! Even a crazy psychotic whore like Druscilla couldn't stand to be with you!"
While her words shredded his heart her fists had been raining blows down on him as he struggled to stay upright, but at her mention of Dru what fight he did have left him and he lumped helplessly back down to the grass allowing her to do her worst. The physical pain took the edge off of the anguish her words had caused. He had been a fool, a fool to believe that he had ever really wanted to be with him. In his fevered imaginings he had seen them as players in a tragic love story, two people with everything against them brought together because eof love. And it was love at least for him.
Unnoticed by the couple in the yard, Tara and Willow had followed the drama outside and they stood on the front porch alternating between shock at Buffy's revelation and the horror of the abuse they were witnessing. Willow grabbed Tara's hand impulsively hoping to find comfort and reassurance and she felt Tara's hand squeeze hers in response. How had this happened and why? Willow felt that she needed to do something.
"I have to stop her and explain, Tara, I think she's really hurting him." Willow turned her watery eyes away from the scene in the yard to look at the blond standing beside her.
"No, Will, you can't. This is something that is between the two of them and I think it's been building to an inevitability for awhile now." Tara had not once taken her stricken gaze away from the couple forcing herself to watch and listen so that maybe she could find a way to help. "Besides Will, you might get hurt. I don't think Buffy's in control of herself right now."
The red haze that had settled over her had finally begun to dissipate and Buffy could see that Spike was not fighting back and this served to refuel her anger.
"GET UP SPIKE!" A mortal man would be dead now and she forced herself to push aside the horror she felt at seeing what she was capable of.
"Buffy, please, I love you. Please let me explain." Spike knew it was futile but he had to try, he had to find a way to make this right.
Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Down among a million, say:
Difficult enough to feel a little bit
Disappointed, passed over.
When I've looked right through
To see you naked and oblivious
And you don't see me
Spike saw the fear seep into her eyes, not fear of him but of what she had done to him with her anger. The explosion of hostility that had culminated into this beating had not been under her control, she had been as much of a bystander as he had. He knew she saw this a further proof of her descent into the darkness and he ached for her. In the beginning he was only trying to love her and be close to her but he wondered if somehow he was cursed to bring destruction down on this woman that he loved.
Well I threw you the obvious
Just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy
"Why do you keep saying that! I don't believe you, I never have. Yeah maybe for a minute I allowed myself to wonder if it was true but I know better now. You are everything that is wrong in my world, you can never be normal! And for the record, I will never love you."
Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see
See through it all
See through
And see you
Spike felt desperate and more alone than he ever had been. He had allowed himself to wrap up all his hoped and dreams in her and now he was lost.
"I do love you, I wish that I didn't but I do!
I only wanted to be with you. I
could even have gone on without you loving me if only I could be with you. I have tried to change, I have tried to be
whatever it is you wanted but I'm not normal and I can't ever be that, not even
for you." Unable to stop them the tears
flowed from his pain dulled eyes. It
was inevitable really, this moment he had hoped would never happen. The truth laid bare for all to see if they
were pay attention.
So I threw you the obvious
Do you see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy
Spike managed to stand despite the physical and emotional injuries inflicted on him and with his last burst of strength grabbed her by the upper arms and spun her around so she was the one backed against the tree.
Well, oh well
Apparently nothing
Apparently nothing at all
Taking advantage of her shock he spoke to her for possibly the last time of the truth as he saw it.
"You exhaust me, Buffy." He grabbed hold of her chin forcing her to look into his eyes. "As usual you don't understand anything but I just can't fight you anymore so I'll leave but hear me now. You are not normal, you never will be. This life you have is as much an anathema as a blessing and until you find a way to accept hat you are in for a lot more hurt than I ever could have caused you. Life is messy and love is messier but it is possible to be happy if you let yourself enjoy what is right in front of you without looking for some happily ever after down the road. I know you don't want to hear this anymore and I can't says I blame you but I do love you no matter what you believe and I would never have left you, never."
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
Spike was still holding Buffy's arms but there was no real power behind it and she could have easily broken his hold on her if she wanted to. But for some reason she kept her gaze focused on this and listened to him for the last time.
"No matter what you think you know, this, us was never about me trying to find a way of bringing down the slayer. I stupidly believed that together we could be stronger, able to heal one another." The naked pain in his eyes was too much for her and she allowed her head to hang. Buffy felt his hands drop and still she did not look up.
After a few moments had passed she finally raised her head to stare at the empty air in front of her where Spike had been standing. Buffy didn't need to turn her head to see if she was leaving because she could feel him walking away from her.
You don't
You don't
You don't see me
You don't
You don't
You don't see me at all
Slowly she turned and made her way back inside, not sparing a glance at the two women still standing on the porch.
Willow pivoted to face Tara confusion and anxiety written clearly on her face, still feeling as if they should do something.
"I need to talk to Spike." She had been unaware of her desire to see him until the moment the words left her mouth, but instantly recognizing the rightness of it. She had seen something in Spike's face and she wanted to talk to him about it.
"Do you think that's wise? I-I mean, is this the best time?" Tara was concerned for her love wondering what Spike could do in his current state.
"It will be okay, he can't hurt me, he won't." Suddenly Willow began to think back to the past couple of years that Spike had been around, chipped and reluctant.
There was no question that he hadn't intended to help them or become a part of their small band of warriors, but eventually it became expected that he would be there when needed. Sure, he was ungracious and cocky, insulting and arrogant but there was never any real heat behind it. That was just Spike. He wasn't polite and gentle like Angel, he wasn't cool and composed like Oz, he was who he was. Spike. Able to peel back the layers of bullshit and extract the truth out of any situation.
Each person in their group brought special talents and gifts to it and Spike was no exception. Did he deserve the benefits inherent to working as a team? Willow was conflicted but certain that he had never received any at least not from her or Xander or Giles. Dawn loved him and maybe because of her youth, her feelings were disregarded as immature and impulsive when maybe she had been the only one able to truly see Spike past the prejudices and bad blood.
Spike had a long way to go if he was looking for redemption but Willow didn't think redemption was what he wanted. Maybe all he wanted was acceptance and the occasional kind word. She was starting to get a headache and she hadn't even spoken to him yet.
Suddenly realizing that this was the most time she had spent with Tara since their break up, Willow began to feel the awkwardness of the situation. "T-Tara, I have to go. Can you stay in case Buffy…"
"Um, yeah." Tara nodded her head and both witches stepped back into the house.
Half an hour later Willow was walking through the cemetery towards Spike's crypt feeling more than a little trepidation wondering if she should turn back and just forget about the whole thing. A few feet from the crypt she stopped and almost did just that before firming her resolve. If she didn't do this now she might never do it and she would always wonder if her suspicions were true.
Walking the last few steps to the door Willow knocked startled at how loud it sounded in the quiet graveyard. When no answer was forthcoming she began to wonder if Spike had even come back here after the incident at the Summers home. Taking a deep breath she grasped the knob and turned it walking inside the mausoleum hoping to find some clue as to Spike's whereabouts. What she hadn't expected was to find him slumped on the bier smoking and looking directly at her.
"Oh! Um, I didn't think you were here since you, uh, didn't answer when I knocked." She was met with stony silence from the vampire.
A flush began to spread across her cheeks when he just sat there and stared, making no attempt to find out why she had come. Standing only a couple of feet away from him she could see that one if his eyes was swollen shut and bruising had begun to show in random patterns across his face.
"So, didya come here to stake me?" Spike's voice was flat and devoid of emotion.
"Huh?"
Spike gestured to the stake she was absently tapping against her let. "Oh, this." Willow forced a small laugh, "No. Walking alone after dark in Sunnydale for us non-superhero types requires a means of protecting one's self."
Spike's only response was a non-committal shrug.
Willow was about to launch into a lengthy oratory when she noticed the duffel bad lying on the floor at Spike's feet. "A-Are you going somewhere?" Spike shrugged again.
"Permanently or just until things cool down between you and Buffy?" At the thought of Spike leaving Willow felt a little sad. What would it be like not having him around? How would Buffy feel about it?
"Why are you here?" Spike wasn't about to tell the former hacker anything. He just wanted to be left alone.
"I guess I wanted to tell you that I-I'm sorry. A-About what happened…earlier. I suppose that I never believed you loved her either. It seemed beyond bizarre that a vampire could love but looking back I realized that I was wrong. We all were. Well everyone except Dawn." Willow paused to see what effect if any her words were having but the closed countenance of his face never changed.
"Look, Spike, Buffy was wrong to do what she did but she is so unhappy and confused right now and I don't know what to do. How long…the two of you…uh…?" Willow couldn't' seem to form a complete sentence.
"None of yer business now is it, pet."
"This is coming out all wrong. I am not trying to pry of the sake of cheap thrills. I only want to understand what has been happening with her so that I can help."
Spike was starting to feel irritation at the girl. "Maybe ya shoulda paid attention when she was so miserable she couldn't sleep or eat. Instead of bringing her back and telling her to get back to business as usual you and yer pals should have supported her and helped her reacquaint herself with the life she thought she had left behind."
Willow was taken aback but knew that he was right. They had all wanted so badly for her to just be the way she used to be before she died, selfishly wanting her back to save them from a world without her.
"Spike, we didn't know…"
"Ya know what? That excuse is runnin' pretty thing about now. Ya all said yer sorry's but what did ya do? She was drownin' and ya couldn't even send out a life preserver. Buffy died, Red. That's supposed to be permanent so don't try and blame her for bein' all messed up. Blame yerselves for being selfish, blame me for lovin' her but don't make this her fault."
"You're defending her? Aren't you mad at her for what she did to you?" Willow was completely thrown by his words. This wasn't going the way she had expected, not that she knew what to expect but still this was not it. The truth of his words sank in and tears began to gather behind her eyes.
"I'm not goin' to speak about what happened between me and the slayer, I can't." A shadow of the pain he was trying to hide shifted across his face and he went on, "Help her. She won't let me and yer the closest one to her. Tell the Niblet…" He couldn't say the words but she knew.
"I will, I promise." Willow walked to the door and opened it before turning back to Spike one last time. "Spike, I hope that you can come back." She gave him a shaky smile and walked out.
Spike picked up his duffel and left a few minutes later.