Part Ten

Dawn was coming home this afternoon and Buffy wasn't sure she was ready for the girl's return.  Somehow everything had gone horribly wrong and she knew that once Dawn discovered what happened she was going to be one very ticked of green energy ball.

Buffy took a deep breath and prepared to face Willow.  She had been avoiding her ever since that night but she wanted to tell her friend not to say anything to Dawn until she'd had the chance to speak with the girl herself.

Buffy found Willow sitting at the dining room table working on her laptop and noticed that she was looking a little better today than she had since she had quit magic cold turkey.  At least something seemed to be going well.

"Hey, Will, how are things?"  she asked tentatively.

Willow looked over the top of her computer screen to smile brightly at Buffy.  "Hey, Buffy!  Actually I'm feeling a lot better.  Dawnie's coming home today, huh?  I hop things went well for her with your father."

"Me too, for Dawn's sake."  She paused before blurting, "I need to talk to you.  About the other night and…Spike."  As she finished saying it she had flopped down into the chair closest to Willow.

Willow dropped her gaze back to the screen and it took her a moment before she could look at the slayer again.  "Yeah, I kinda wanted to talk to you about that as well, but I thought it would be better to have you come to me."

"Thanks," Buffy said quietly.  "I don't know what to say exactly, I mean it was a really bad scene and now…I don't know."  She found herself at a complete loss for words.

"Buffy, can you just tell me how long this had been going on?  You don't have to if you don't want to but I'd like to try and understand."

Buffy looked down at her hands.  "The first time we had sex was, um, that night that we all stayed out and left Dawn at home with Tara, but honestly I think that it really began after I came back."

"Oh."  Willow remembered coming home that morning with Amy in town and Buffy coming in shortly after them, looking beat up and dazed.

"Will, ever since I came back things have been…strange and the only person who seemed to understand was Spike.  Before I knew it things just got way out of control-I lost control.  I've done some horrible things to Spike, to myself and to all of you but I couldn't seem to stop myself.  It was like I was standing on the sidelines watching myself…fall.  The only time I ever felt connected was when I was with Spike."  Without conscious thought Buffy began to tell Willow all of the things that up until now she had only shared with Spike.

"Being back here after being in…well, you know, it was nearly impossible.  I felt…wrong and out of place, like I didn't belong and I didn't want to either.   All the feelings I once had seemed muted and repressed, like they were out of my reach and I was terrified."  Tears began to well up but she didn't' let them fall.  "And to be honest I was angry at all of you for making me come back here and allowing me to feel the pain of living again."

"Oh, Buffy, I'm so sorry…" Tears cascaded down Willow's pale cheeks.

"Will, let me say this, finally.  Once things between Spike and me escalated, well, the emotions began to resurface but only the anger and pain and without anything to balance them they became intense and frightening.  I felt the blackness begin to eat at my soul and when I reached the point where I thought I was going to lose my mind, I would go to him.  All of the vile, ugly things that built up inside of me I pushed back to Spike, behaving as if he were to blame for everything that was wrong in the world."

Buffy could see that her words were hurting the other girl but once began she had to continue.

"I made him promise not to tell anyone, I just couldn't stand it if you guys knew what I was doing, how low I had sunk.  I was fucking the vampire who tried to kill us all so many times and I was ashamed of myself.  That night when I thought he had told you about us…I freaked.  I was so out of it with rage that all I could think was that he had betrayed me, broken his promise not to speak of this-this thing between us.  By telling you I felt that he had broken everything open, forcing me to face what I had done, to him and everyone else.  God, Willow, I used him, horribly and that isn't the person I was.  I've been used before and it was one of the worst experiences of my life so what kind of monster had I become that I could do this to anyone, even Spike?  I didn't realize that I was hitting him until it was over and I couldn't' believe what I had done.  The look on his face…I was so cruel, Willow.  Why did I do that?"  Putting her hand over her mouth she tried to stifle the sobs that rose in her throat.

"Buffy, I don't know what to say."  She reached over and grabbed Buffy's hand and held on.  "I am so sorry I wasn't there for you, I got lost in my own superego and hurt the people around me but most of all you and Tara.  We took you out of bliss by bringing you back and then left you alone.  Buffy, I can't say that I understand what you have been through  but I know you and you are strong enough to get passed this, I promise.  We can work on it together, I'll help you any way that I can, I swear and Buffy, you're not a monster, don't ever say that again!  The things you've gone through would have broken most people."

Willow leaned over and wrapped her arms around Buffy stroking her heir and offering what strength that she could.

Buffy felt some of the weight lift off her shoulders in response to Willow's words.  She didn't realize until this moment how badly she needed to verbalize how she was feeling and what she had been doing.  The acceptance and friendship Willow offered was a gift that Buffy hadn't thought that she deserved or would receive and she felt gratitude for this girl who was her best friend.

Pulling back from the embrace Buffy took Willow's hands in hers.  "Will, what should I do about Spike?  I know I have to stop seeing him but I was so vicious that night.  I can't just leave things like this."

"Buffy, how do you feel about Spike?"

"I-I don't know but we can't go on like this, it's so fucked up, Will.  Ever since the night I beat him up I kept expecting him to come back around and talk his way back into my bed but he hasn't and it makes me feel…worried.  All I know is that there is an empty place in me that calls out for something more, something that I can't get from him."

"Why?"

"Because he's a vampire!  He can't love, he can't be a normal boyfriend."

"Buffy," Willow hesitated slightly before going on, "don't be angry at me but I went to see Spike that night."

"What?  Why?"

"I felt like I had to.  That night I saw something in his eyes, something that I think had always been there but we all just refused to see it.  I saw humanity, tragic, painful humanity.  It was so strange, Buffy, it was like I was suddenly seeing him in a different light.  For so long he's been the enemy, the Big Bad that when he was forced down from the top of the food chain he became vulnerable and whatever remained of the person he was before the Change was able to show through.  It sounds crazy but after speaking with him I am even more convinced that I'm right about this."

Buffy sat hard on the chair stunned at Willow's pronouncement.

"What did he say?"

"Actually he wasn't happy to see me that's for sure but when I tried to talk to him about what had happened or what was going on with the two of you he refused to talk about it.  Instead he told me that we had all failed you and that we should have taken care of you and helped you but instead we dumped you back into your life and went on with our own.  He told me to take care of you."

"You have a right to live your own lives, everything doesn't stop just because I'm unhappy."  After what she had done to him Buffy was amazed that Spike could have been so concerned with her.  By all rights he should have been plotting her assassination.

"No, it doesn't but we should have stayed with you and struggled through this together and we didn't.  But we will now."

"I have to see Spike.  I have to talk to him."  Buffy wasn't sure what would happen but she knew she had to go to him and resolve this once and for all.

Willow looked uncomfortable.  "H-He's gone.  I think."

"Gone?  How can he be gone?  Maybe he just left for a couple of days to clear his head like Dawn did."  Buffy looked at the redhead willing her to give her the answer that she wanted to hear.

"Maybe but…" Willow let the words trail off not wanting to upset Buffy anymore than she already was.

"Can you do me a favor and not say anything to Dawn or Xander right now?  At least not until I can get some things straightened out."  Buffy sighted.  "After Dawn gets settled in I'll go to Spike's crypt and check it out.  Even ifhe did leave he is most likely back by now and just laying low."

"Sure, Buffy."  The witch still looked doubtful.  "I don't think that it's my place to say anything and I especially don't want to bring that kind of news to Xander.  His head might explode and this close to the wedding I wouldn't want Anya pissed at me."  Willow smiled and squeezed Buffy's hand.

"Thanks, Will.  I'm gonna go wash my face and make sure that I am presentable when Dawn gets here."

Upstairs in the bathroom Buffy washed all traces of her tears away and carefully reapplied her makeup.  She needed to tread softly around Dawn until things got back to normal and she definitely didn't want the teenager to see that she was upset.

The opening of the front door sounded and lively voices drifted up to Buffy.  Okay, it's now or never.  Smile.  Hug.  Everything would be fine.

Buffy ran down the stairs and saw her sister laughing at something Xander said and Buffy wished that she could see that look on Dawn's face more often.

"Hey, Dawn.  I missed you."  She wrapped her strong arms around her sister and squeezed.

"Whoa!  Human being here.  Need oxygen."

"Oops, sorry.  I'm just glad that you're back home."  Buffy pulled away from Dawn and saw that he girl was smiling.

"I missed you too, Buffy and I am so glad to be back.  Dad is so lame."

"H-He didn't give you a hard time or anything did he?"  Buffy was concerned that their father might have gone all overly parental on Dawn and made her feel bad for staying in Sunnydale instead of going to L.A. permanently.  not that he had ever asked but you can never tell what absentee fathers were thinking or when their guilt would kick up a dust cloud big enough to choke.

"Not really it was just super boring.  No monsters, demons or vampires.  Nothing.  I guess I missed out little piece of hell on earth."

Just then Willow came in from the dining room and gave Dawn a hesitant smile.  "Hey, Dawnie!  I'm glad your home, it's just not the same without you."

Surprisingly Dawn returned the witch's smile startling the occupants of the room.  "Thanks."

"Hey Buff, you planning on telling me what's been going on around here?"

Xander asked.

"What…what do you mean?  N-Nothing's going on!"  Buffy looked over at Willow who gave a slight shake of her head.

"I'm just wondering if that pesky demon came back for another try at a Buffy-kabob."


"Oh…oh…um nope.  Everything's been quiet."  Buffy's smile was overly bright.

"Buffy why are you blushing?"   Anya quizzed.

"Uh, me?  Well I uh it's hot.  Is anyone else hot?"  Buffy shot Willow a pleading look.

"Oh!  I am definitely feeling warm.  In fact the flush is starting to brew under my skin."

"What demon?  Buffy is there something after you?"  Dawn had a panicked look on her face.

Thankful for the reprieve Buffy looked at Dawn.  "Well there was a little trouble but it's not a big, I promise."

"If you're sure…" Dawn desperately needed reassurance.  "Maybe I should go unpack."

Buffy watched Dawn climb the stairs before turning to Xander.  "Can we keep a low profile on the Assassination/Sacrificing the Slayer Club?  Dawn is so high-strung these days I don't want her to have more stress if we can help it."

"Sure, no problem.  I didn't even think.  So no demon, huh? I feel so out of the loop with all this wedding crap going on."

"Crap?"  Anya pouted.  Xander chose not to answer knowing that once they were in the car he would get an earful.

"No and as far as I'm concerned it can stay that way.  Thanks again, guys."  Buffy briefly wondered if it would come back for her after all.  She would love to throw down with it and get a little payback for Spike.

Everyone said their goodbyes and when Xander's car pulled out of the drive Buffy turned back to Willow.  "I'm gonna go…"

"Yeah, sure.  Hey Buffy, did you notice?  Dawnie spoke to me and even smiled.  Isn't that great?  Maybe she'll be able to forgive me."

"Yeah, that's great Will."  Buffy gave Willow a one armed hug and yelled up to her sister.  "Dawn!  I have to run out for a few, I won't be long.  When I get back the three of us can have a nice dinner, kay?"

"Kay, Buffy!"

Buffy was almost out the door when Dawn came running down stairs.  "Buffy, wait!"

"What is it, Dawn?"

"I almost forgot.  Dad gave me this."  Noting the girl's excitement Buffy grabbed the piece of paper that Dawn was waving around.

Shocked Buffy could only stare at it before looking at Dawn.  "For real?"

It was a check.  Their father had sent a check back with Dawn for fifteen thousand dollars.  This was too good to be true.  Buffy would be able to postpone getting a crappy job for at least a few months.

"Yes, isn't it wonderful?  Dad said he would help out as much as he could."  Dawn was wearing a huge smile.  "Can we go out to a restaurant for dinner tonight, Buffy, please?"

"Oh definitely.  I really have to go if I want to make it to the bank before they close.  Tell Willow about dinner and I'll be back as soon as I can."

Buffy was overwhelmed at how much relief she felt and what a good day she was having.  Now if only she could clear the air with Spike things might get back on track.

As she traced the familiar path to Spike's crypt through the cemetery Buffy tried to imagine what Sunnydale would be like without him around.  Pretty much the same probably only a lot less…interesting.  Spike had a way,  a mostly irritating and infuriating way but at least it was never dull.

There was a heaviness in the pit of her stomach as she approached the crypt for once unsure of what she would find there.  Standing in front of the door she discovered she was reluctant to go inside.  What if he was really gone?  How would she feel about that?

Pushing the door open and standing inside she knew.  He was gone.  Spike had left.  When he was around the air crackled with electricity and the room seemed to vibrate with his presence.  Now it felt empty and hollow.

Silently she stood inside the room as the despair began to creep over her. She had done this, she had succeeded in pushing him away from her.  Wasn't this what she had been wanting?  Spike's departure should have made her feel better because wasn't he the reason she was so…wrong?  Instead of relief she felt lost and set adrift once more alone and dispirited.

Tears began to fall soundlessly down the soft slope of her cheeks.  It was over and she couldn't even blame anyone else for the sudden aching in her soul.

Looking around Buffy allowed the memories of their times spent together wash over her.  How many times had she looked into this penetrating gaze and denied what she saw in their poignant depths?  The constant hope that she might return his feelings tempered with the knowledge that she would never allow herself to look at him with love in her eyes.  Every touch, every move had been for her and her alone.  When she came to him he did everything he could to ensure that she was satisfied and taken car of.

Hindsight showed Buffy the bittersweet truth that Spike had tried so hard to expose.  He had loved her.  No matter how much this turned the world she lived in upside down it was true.  It was simple and basic and maybe completely messed up, but there it was.  And in her raging denial she had finally beaten him so far down that he'd had to leave.

Buffy wondered if he would ever come back.