Part Twelve
Since Dawn's return from her little retreat she had seemed almost better. The girl was actually making an effort to mend her strained relationship with Willow and gave the appearance of being a lot more relaxed and cooperative. Buffy was thinking that maybe she had made the right decision to let Dawn go visit their father. The money he had given them had gone a long way towards paying the bills and putting food in the pantry so Buffy was able to delay the inevitable for a time and concentrate on calming her own inner demons.
After finding that Spike had left the slayer had done a lot of thinking. She wasn't really finding any answers to her myriad of questions but was at least feeling strong enough to ask them. The most amazing thing was that she had found herself beginning to laugh again and smile more. Small things that most people take for granted but for a girl who had been stuck in emotional inertia it was as sublime as Ben and Jerry's ice cream.
Buffy had yet to speak with Dawn about Spike and was hoping that he would reappear before it became necessary. But after a few weeks she was beginning to wonder if maybe he was gone for good and she found that this only increased her worry.
"Buffy!"
She realized that Dawn had been trying to get her attention. "Huh? Oh sorry, I guess I was lost in thought."
"Either that or you developed a mysterious case of deafness." Dawn was serious.
"Nope, definitely not deaf. Did you
need to talk to me?"
"Well, yeah. IwaswonderingifIcouldgovisitSpike." The slayer's little sister rushed the words out and looked at Buffy expecting her to reject the idea immediately.
Buffy sighed and knew that it was time they had a conversation about Spike. Well Dawn's goodwill was nice while it lasted.
"Dawn, I…" This sucks.
"Buffy please," Dawn was pleading with her, "I haven't seen him in so long and I wanted to talk to him about LA and other…stuff. I promise I'll come home before dark and I won't stay too long. Please. He's my friend and I miss him."
Buffy could see that Dawn was genuinely distressed and wanting badly to see the absentee vampire and it made her want to cry.
"Dawn, we need to talk."
"Why? So you can tell me that I shouldn't be his friend and I can't see him because you don't like him. Well that's too damn bad! I will still be his friend even if I can't see him until I'm eighteen!" Couldn't fault the girl's loyalty.
"Calm down, Dawn, and listen to me. Please."
The younger girl took a deep breath and sat down on
the living room chair adjacent to the couch.
"Fine but you're not going to change my mind."
"Just listen. This is really hard for
me so just let me get it out before…well responding. Okay?" Buffy waited as
Dawn nodded her head.
"Well I'm only telling you this because it does effect you. Spike and I have been involved." Buffy glanced up to gauge her sister's reaction and was surprised to see none. "Do you understand what I'm saying Dawn?"
"Not real-oh…oh." Realization crept over the brunette's face. "You mean-you and Spike have-OHMYGOD! Sex?! You're having sex with Spike. Wow."
"There's a lot more I have to say so stay with me. You know that since I've been back I have been…different and for whatever reason I was going to Spike for help. He was a good friend to me. He seemed to understand what I was feeling and when he didn't, he didn't feel the need to tell me how I should be feeling. It was a relief and eventually things escalated."
"Oh, Buffy, that is so romantic." Dawn had tears in her eyes and the slayer wondered why this was coming out all wrong.
"What? Romantic? No, no it was anything but. Try way wrong. Dead end. Against the laws of nature. Any of those apply but not romantic Dawn."
"But isn't that how the best love stories start? You develop a deep friendship that grows into love?"
Buffy rolled her eyes heavenward. "Dawn put away the Julia Roberts fantasies and hear what I am saying. Spike and I are not a couple. What we are is too weird for any label and I know that he says that he loves me but I can't accept that."
"Why not?"
"Because he's a vampire! Dawn have you forgotten what I do, what we all fight against every day of our lives on the Hellmouth? This is not fun and games this is serious and Spike represents all things evil. He is a vampire and he is evil. Okay, de-clawed evil but still evil. If the monsters start having real feeling where does that leave us? When I look at Spike I see every lost battle, every death I wasn't able to prevent. I feel diminished when I look into his eyes and see all of the feelings he has for me and I hate it, I hate myself. Dawn, I want to be okay again, I want to be the person I was before I died and I can't do that when I'm with him. I just can't. I tried to be civil, for you because I know how much his friendship means to you but everything went wrong."
Taking a deep breath Buffy told Dawn about the night she beat Spike in the front yard and was amazed at the amount of pain and regret this caused her. No, it was more than regret it was a whole world of hurt and desolation and pure agony. And to the slayer it was incomprehensible.
Buffy was expecting Dawn to lose it but was surprised when Dawn remained silent. Tears coursed down her pink cheeks, as she looked down at her feet. After Buffy was finished telling Dawn about Spike having left she waited for the girl to say something.
Finally Dawn looked up at Buffy and said quietly, "I feel sorry for you, Buffy." And with those parting words echoing after her she left Buffy alone sitting on the couch sad and confused.
Not fully understanding what her sister was saying Buffy decided to seek out Willow and get her opinion. As she got up the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Yes, um, Buffy hello." Crap. Giles. So much for the avoidance plan. Since he had left Buffy and refused to take any of his calls or acknowledge the letters he sent. He had walked out of her life when she needed him the most and she was a long way away from forgiveness.
"Giles." Her tone was pure ice and on the other end of the line Giles held back a sigh.
"Buffy, I-I was hoping you'd answer. I
need to know that you're alright."
"You need…whatever. I'm just dandy, thanks for calling but I have to go now. Goodbye."
"Buffy, please talk to me. I'm concerned."
"Look, if you want to know how I am doing than I'm the last person you should ask. Everyone but me seems to have a theory as to what's going on in Buffy's head. Or better yet, Giles, just forget about me. You've moved on and, ya know what? that's what I am trying to do and you calling me and making me think about all of the people who have left me in the past six years is not helping me at all! I man, what is that? Buffy isn't perfect enough for you anymore so you leave? Was I not getting it fast enough for you? Yes my sister needs me and yes the oblivious masses in Sunnydale need me but what about what I need? When does that rate on the scale?"
The sound of Buffy's sobs carried up to Dawn's room making her stomach clench in empathy. Wiping her own tears she went to her sister and found her slumped on the floor clutching the phone in a white-knuckled fist, tears marring her pale cheeks. Walking over to Buffy, Dawn sat next to her hoping her presence would offer some comfort.
"Oh, Buffy, I am more sorry than I can say. I made the only decision I could and I hope
that one day you can understand.
Leaving you and Dawn was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do
but my being there was not what you needed."
"Please, Giles, tell me what I need. Tell me how to feel and how to act because I can't figure it out on my own. All I seem to do I hurt the few people I have left and if I don't figure this out they'll leave me too. Please, Giles, I don't want to be alone."
Giles heart was breaking as he listened to her plead with him to solve her problems and once again he felt helpless. What had become of his slayer?
"I wish I could give you the answers but I don't have
them to give. Know that I-I love you
Buffy and my leaving had nothing to do with you not being perfect or lacking in
any way. Please believe that. You are the strongest woman I have ever
known and you will make the right choices in the end. You will understand what it is you need and how to get it. You have to stop fighting yourself and know
that no matter what you will do the right thing."
"How do I know what that is?"
"You'll know. You've always known you're just afraid of what it could mean."
"Giles, what if the things I want are different than what others want me to have or what I used to think I wanted?"
"Buffy, stop this, right now! All anyone wants is for you to be happy and if they don't understand than bugger them!"
Buffy smiled weakly at his words. If only it were that easy. But she felt better, much like her after her conversation with Willow and she was glad that she had spoken with Giles. After all he was the closest thing she had to a parent right now.
"Giles, I miss you."
"I miss you too.
Now, Buffy, I may not be there but you know that you can call me right?"
"Yeah."
"Then do it."
"Kay, Giles…and thanks."
After disconnecting the line Buffy felt Dawn sitting next to her and she reached out to the younger girl who immediately wrapped her thin arms around Buffy's neck.
"I'm sorry for not helping you Buffy-"
"Dawn, don't. I never asked for help so how could you know."
"True but I have eyes and I could see you were in pain."
Stroking Dawn's silky hair Buffy thought for a moment before replying. "Dawn I think that we have both been lost in our own pain and confusion, distancing ourselves from the people we care about most but we can change that. We can try to talk to each other and love each other no matter what."
Dawn nodded her head and smiled back at Buffy feeling that for the first time since her resurrection things were looking up for their little family. It seemed that they had fought so hard to go back to the way things had been before and never realized that while they lost themselves in the pas the future had risen to meet them.