Disclaimer: I don't own Celeborn, Galadriel, or Haldir. *Bows down to the great J.R.R. Tolkein*
Author's Notes: The madness continues! Celeborn and Haldir are horribly OOC and Galadriel…I'd say she's OOC, but I'm not sure. A big thank you goes out to my friends; Shannon for her wonderful plot bunny and Hannah for her ideas and the chapter title. Thanks for all the reviews so far. Keep 'em coming!
Chapter 2: Just Do Me
"It is just not fair!" Celeborn wailed at the top of his lungs.
Haldir visibly winced. He had hoped that taking Celeborn to a secluded area of Lothlórien would help to ease his lord's troubled mind. However, his plan had failed miserably. Galadriel's rejection of him last night had completely shattered Celeborn's normally calm demeanor. Instead of relaxing, Celeborn was pacing around a tree, alternating between whining and all out bawling. As he watched his lord practically throw a temper tantrum, Haldir began to seriously wonder if he should have simply stayed out of his lord and lady's affairs and left Celeborn where he had found him. The headache he was receiving from Celeborn's constant banter was saying he should have.
"It's been eight thousand years since we last consummated our love, Haldir. EIGHT FREAKING THOUSAND YEARS!! That's too long, even for immortals. I have needs and desires, but she does not see that. She loves Nenya, not me."
Celeborn stopped his pacing and began to pound his head against the tree. "I. Just. Do. Not. Get. It!"
It was at this point that Haldir decided to step in and stop his lord…for the tree's sake.
"Please stop this, my lord. Giving yourself a concussion will not solve this problem."
Celeborn looked at Haldir with big, pathetic, tear filled, puppy-dog eyes. "Then what will solve it?"
Haldir cringed. He had been telling himself all morning that he should not get involved any further in this matter, but now his attempt to comfort Celeborn had just pushed him into getting even more involved. He mentally scanned through all of his bad relationships with women for an answer that he could give. Unfortunately, his scan revealed that he had never once had a bad relationship with a woman because he never engaged one long enough to actually have a relationship. *Curse the Valar! Now I have to actually think of an answer on my own.*
"Well…" Haldir paused a moment and tried to think of an answer that would send the distraught Lord of Lórien on his way and leave him in peace. "You should talk to your wife, my lord. Tell her how you feel about this matter."
Celeborn sniffed. "That is what I tried to do last night and she locked me out because of it."
Haldir sighed. "Perhaps you should talk to her when she is not trying to sleep, my lord."
"Oh."
Having said what he believed to be sage advice, Haldir quickly began to walk away before Celeborn could have a chance to ask him anything more.
He had no such luck.
"She scarcely listens to me anymore," Celeborn sobbed. "How will I be able to grab her attention when she barely acknowledges my presence?"
Haldir stopped mid-stride and proceeded to curse under his breath in about five different languages.
"I don't know!" The younger elf snapped. "Drug her, seduce her, anything! Just leave me out of this!"
With that said, Haldir stalked back toward the elven city. Celeborn watched him leave with a thoughtful expression.
"Hmmmm…'seduce her'…"
* * *
Galadriel sat alone in her glade, gazing intently into her mirror. Her eyes hardened as she watched the great kingdoms of Middle Earth crumble while the fiery eye of Sauron, gazing through a golden ring, filled the sky. She was only slightly aware of the sound of an approaching horse.
Celeborn galloped into the glade upon the finest horse in Lórien. The sturdy animal's coat was a shining gloss of white with no trace of any other color. Its mane and tail were also pure white and seemed to be spun from the finest silk. Celeborn himself was clad in his finest white silk robes, matching the horse perfectly. A silver belt, encrusted with multiple jewels, was looped around his waist and a crown of twisting, silver vines encircled his head. If anyone else had observed this site, they might have thought that the Lord of Lórien was made of the very essence of Eärendil's light. However, only Galadriel was present; and she completely ignored her husband's grand entrance.
"Greetings, my beautiful maiden," Celeborn raised a slim eyebrow suggestively. "How about we go for a little ride together on Lórien's finest horse? I can promise you that it will be…" He patted a spot behind him on the horse's back and licked his lips. "most enjoyable."
"Celeborn," Galadriel replied neutrally without looking up from her mirror. "Get off my horse, change your clothes, and return to the city. The delegates from Imladris have just arrived to discuss trade agreements."
The elven lord's shoulders slumped in defeat as he dismounted his wife's horse and led it out of the glade.
"Stupid mirror's ruining my mojo," he grumbled.
Nenya glowed as Galadriel raised her hand. Without turning her head away from the mirror, she sent a tiny ball of blue light from her finger tip to her husband's backside.
Celeborn yelped as he felt his rear flare up in pain. He whirled around and glared at his wife, who remained completely absorbed in her mirror.
* * *
That evening, Galadriel slowly made her way back to her chambers. There was a definite weariness in her eyes, though her movements were as graceful and controlled as always. Her mirror had revealed many horrible visions to her which were now firmly planted in her mind. The Lady of Lórien wished for nothing more than to retire for the evening and allow sleep to aid in sorting her visions.
However, the vision she saw upon entering her bedroom had to be the most disturbing one of all.
Celeborn was stretched out like a cat in a sunbeam on the bed, clad in nothing but a pair of green boxer shorts with golden mallorn leaf prints.
Galadriel had to force herself to keep a neutral look upon her face. This was the first time in over eight thousand years that she had seen Celeborn's bare chest. Not that it was much to look at, though. Though Celeborn had once been a very athletic elf in his youth, the past few millennia he had spent ruling Lórien had not helped his physique. The elven lord had become quite lanky. His arms and legs were long and thin and his chest was laughable in comparison to most elves. Though elves retained a very fair complexion, Galadriel noticed with some uneasiness that her husband had a distinct tan line on his neck; and everything below his neck was completely white.
"Well, my lady?" Celeborn purred. "What thoughts do you have, standing there in the doorway? Are you…tempted?"
Galadriel allowed a faint look of disgust appear on her face. "No, I am not tempted. I am revolted."
Celeborn rolled onto his side to face his wife while flipping a lock of hair away in the same movement. He, and only he, thought that this was a very seductive gesture. When Galadriel frowned at him, Celeborn sat up.
"Surely you jest, Galadriel? You are not enticed by my appearance at all?"
"No."
The Lord of Lórien was taken aback by the coldness in his wife's voice. "I do not understand. The last time I did this, we conceived Celebrian."
"The last time you did this, I was also under the influence of an unhealthy amount of wine," Galadriel growled.
This statement struck Celeborn like a physical blow. The elven lord's face became ashen and tears began to well up in his eyes.
"So, the only reason we made love was because you were intoxicated? It was not out of love or desire? It was all because of the wine?"
Galadriel merely stared impassively at him.
"IT WAS ALL A LIE!!!" Celeborn wailed as he ran out of the room.
The Lady of Lórien sighed as she watched her husband run down the stairs that led to the rest of the city. In truth, she had not been that intoxicated when they made love, but she was not about to admit that. The fate of Middle Earth was hanging in the balance and Celeborn had to learn that there were more important matters at hand than romance. With a minute shrug, Galadriel locked the doors to the bedroom, changed into her nightdress, put her hair in curlers, and went to bed.
* * *
Haldir was just about to doze off when he heard someone knocking on his door. With a disgruntled curse, the elven guard got up and opened the door. His lord was standing on his doorstep in nothing but a pair of hideous boxer shorts. Haldir quickly stifled a laugh and spoke with mock concern.
"Is there a problem, my lord?"
Celeborn sniffed. "I tried to seduce Galadriel like you suggested. Alas, for not only does she no longer love me, but she has declared that she never loved me in the first place."
"Then how, by Elbereth, did your daughter come into being?" Haldir bit his lip when he realized he had said that out loud.
"Galadriel had too much wine."
"Ah."
Haldir was about to close the door on Celeborn when the older elf suddenly spoke.
"Might I be able to stay with you?"
"WHAT!" Haldir's voice cracked.
"Galadriel has kicked me out of our chambers twice in one day. Would it be possible for me to stay with you?"
It was all Haldir could do to prevent himself from slamming
the door in his lord's face. "I am afraid I do not have much room."
Tears were now streaming down Celeborn's face. "But I have nowhere else to go."
Haldir silently cursed his weakness for crying elves as he stepped aside and motioned for Celeborn to enter. The Lord of Lórien instantly brightened and dashed inside. When Haldir turned around, he found his lord already curled up on the only bed, sucking his thumb in his sleep. It was then that Haldir realized something very important:
Celeborn had finally lost it.
Grumbling, the elven guard shoved a stack of books from a chair to the already cluttered floor. He slumped into the chair and almost fell asleep, but was brought back to a fully awakened state by Celeborn snoring louder than a marching legion of Sauron's troops.
It was going to be a long night.
A/N: Ok everyone, I've got a few ideas for future chapters, but I'm going to need some help. I would love it if you all would leave reviews and give me some suggestions for Celeborn's next move. The most promising ideas will appear in the story. Thanks!