Author's Notes: I'm so sorry for the lack of updates, everyone.  My schedule has been insane lately.  I've been studying for three exams and an early final, preparing an important debate, and working on a twenty-four page lab report for zoology.  And next week is the start of the dreaded Finals Week.  I've had absolutely no time to myself.  But, I've managed to write a new chapter!  Thanks a lot for all the reviews.

Plot bunny thanks go to:

1) Kim- You have no interest in reading or watching Lord of the Rings, (I'll forgive you for now) but you gave me a cute idea.

2) LordVaughan- I modified your idea just a little bit since this takes place before the Fellowship was created, so I hope you don't mind.  Thanks a lot, though.

3) Everyone who wanted Celeborn to beef up a little- Don't worry, he'll get better as time progresses.

Chapter 3: The Subtle Approach

Haldir was rudely awakened the next morning by the smell of burning leather.  At least that was what he thought it smelled like.  Grumbling, the elven guard stumbled into his kitchen where he was met with an amusing, and equally disturbing, site. 

Celeborn was standing in the center of the room, repeatedly lifting a medium sized book in either hand.  He had somehow acquired a set of his own robes; though how and where, Haldir did not want to guess.  Behind him, a kettle in the fireplace was spewing putrid smelling black smoke.  Haldir was not sure which was worse; the smell coming from the kettle, or Celeborn's pitiful attempt at working out.

Haldir cleared his throat loud enough to call Celeborn's attention. "My lord, might I enquire as to what you are doing?"

"My dear Haldir, I came to an epiphany last night while I dreamed."

"And what would that be, my lord?" Haldir asked, against his better judgment.

The elven lord continued to lift the books up and down. "I realized that Galadriel no longer desires me because time has stolen the handsome looks of my youth.  Look at my hair, Haldir.  It is turning silver with age!"

"My lord," Haldir sighed in exasperation. "It is a well known fact that your hair was silver, even in your youth.  You do not look any different than you did when I was born.  You are an elf and elves do not show any visible signs of aging!  Seeing as how you and Galadriel are the eldest of all the elves in Lórien, I am surprised that you could ever think you looked old."

Celeborn suddenly dropped the book and glared at the younger elf. "Are you calling me old?"

"I did not say you were old, my lord, I said that you and your lady are the eldest."

"You said I was old."

"I did not mean old in that sense."

"You said I was old," Celeborn's eyes welled up with tears. "You are right, dear Haldir.  I AM NOTHING MORE THAN A HASBEND!" The Lord of Lórien was now wailing at the top of his lungs. "I CAN NO LONGER WIN GALADRIEL'S HEART BECAUSE I AM JUST A DIRTY OLD ELF WHO CAN NOT COMPETE WITH THE YOUTHFUL LOOKS OF ANY OTHER MALE!"

Haldir instantly plugged his sensitive ears with his fingers.  In his opinion, Celeborn did not look like a hasbend.  But he was correct when he called himself a dirty old elf.  Of course, Haldir would never say that out loud unless he wanted to spend the rest of his immortal life without a head. 

Celeborn's wails stopped suddenly.  He sniffled and began to lift the books once more.

"Now that I have gotten that off of my chest, I may continue.  Because I no longer have my youthful charm, I must work to build myself back into the irresistible elf I once was.  And so I have vowed to work hard every day for as long as it takes to bring back my youthful muscles."

Haldir could not help but comment. "And so you are going to lift my books?"

"Precisely."

The elf guard rolled his eyes. "Would it not work better if you lifted heavier books than those?  It may speed the process up."

"Oh no, I could not do that.  Those heavy books would overstrain my perfect form.  No, these books shall be fine.  At the rate I am going, it should not take more than a millennia or so."

*Sweet Elbereth, do not torture me like this.* Haldir seethed as he made his way over to the smoldering kettle. "And what, might I ask, is this, my lord?"

"Ah yes.  Galadriel has always been fond of warm drinks in the morning.  In my epiphany, I realized that I have never actually cooked a single dish in my life.  So I have vowed to learn the culinary arts and win Galadriel's favor back."

"By poisoning her?" Haldir grumbled.

"Nay, my silly friend.  I will make her taste buds dance in ecstasy over my creations.  For it is said that the sweetest dish is the one made with love."

"If your love will sweeten any dish, than why is there foul smoke pouring out of my kettle?"

"Oh dear!" Celeborn squeaked as he tried to pull the kettle off of the fire…with his bare hands.  "OW!!"

With yet another sigh, Haldir doused the fire with a pitcher of water and stalked over to the main door.  For the sake of his own health, he would rather not stay within ten leagues of his lord. 

"Haldir, where are you going?" Celeborn asked with a quivering voice.

"I have scouting to do," The elven guard growled as he opened the door. "And you have work to do if you wish to woo your lady again today."

"Oh no, Haldir, I have already taken care of that.  I have initiated a strategy that will win her heart back for sure.  That leaves me the rest of the day to use your kitchen to perfect my culinary skills."

Celeborn's answer was a scream, the sound of a door being slammed, and the light patter of elven boots on the grass running far far away.

*          *          *

Galadriel stood on the balcony attached to her chambers.  Below her, the kingdom of Lórien stretched out in all of its timeless splendor.  Her subjects went about their lives in peace, oblivious to the darkness that would once again cover all of Middle Earth in the near future.  Only the Lady of Lórien knew what would befall Middle Earth soon.  Galadriel let out a sigh so quiet that it could not be heard by mortal ears.  It was times like these that she wished there was another with whom she could share the fear and doubt she felt when the dark visions came. 

A twinge of guilt touched the Lady of Lórien at this thought.  She briefly regretted dismissing Celeborn the previous night.  During the first and second ages, he had always given her a willing ear whenever the dark visions plagued her mind.  For a moment, Galadriel toyed with the idea of finding her husband and bidding him to return.  However, she immediately discarded that idea when she remembered how he had acted like a conceited, sex-crazed, male chauvinist pig.

Galadriel turned her back to the view of Lórien and headed back into her chambers to look for something that would divert her train of thought from the dark visions and her far-too-eager husband.  A knock on the door did just that.  Her curiosity piqued, Galadriel adopted her usual expression of god-like neutrality and opened the door.

A young male elf, no older than a millennia or so, was standing in the doorway.  He caught one look at his queen and immediately averted his eyes.

"Forgive me, my lady," The youth, keeping his eyes glued to the floor. "I did not mean to disturb you, but I was asked to bring you a delivery."

Galadriel's eyes shifted from the younger elf to the pile of cloth wrapped packages stalked neatly on the doorstep.  The pile was almost as high as the elf who was delivering them.

"Who has sent these?" She asked in her god-like neutral voice.

"I know not, my lady," The youth stammered. "My instructions were to simply deliver them.  I was never told the identity of the sender."

The Lady of Lórien groaned inwardly and forced herself to not roll her eyes. *Celeborn you stereotypical fool.  Your fervent lust has caused you to act like a child just entering his majority and trying to woo the most popular lady.  I am your wife, not a secret crush.*

She fixed her neutral gaze on the younger elf once more. "Very well.  Bring them in."

The youth's head snapped up and he quickly moved the packages into the chambers.  With a nervous bow, he briskly left and forced himself not to look back for a final glance at his ruler's flawless beauty. 

Galadriel smirked as she watched the youth try not to look at her. *There are times when it is very rewarding to be me.*

With a sigh, Galadriel turned her attention to the packages inside.  A scrap of parchment was attached to the topmost one.  She picked it up and groaned outright at what was written in Celeborn's distinctive handwriting.

Balrogs are red

Radagast is brown

I'm more handsome than Sauron

So let's get it on

*Dear Elbereth, he has sunk so low that he cannot even think of a proper rhyme*

Shaking her head in disbelief, Galadriel considered tossing the packages into the nearest fireplace for fear of what they might contain.  However, a nagging voice in her mind was insisting that she open them.  The Lady of Lórien slowly began to unwrap the packages, all the while grumbling about listening to too many voices in her head.

The packages contained the usual gifts for catching an elven lady's favor; flowers, sweets, expensive jewelry, and various hair clips that would allow her to flaunt her perfectly pointed ears in front of others.  When she came down to the final package, clearly the largest one of all, Galadriel hesitated.  This particular package gave her a very uneasy feeling.  Unfortunately, the stupid voices would not shut up.  Cursing her weakness for little mental voices, Galadriel unwrapped the package and almost passed out at the site of its contents.

Celeborn had sent her a rather extensive collection of assorted, extremely scandalous, lingerie.  Each piece was so small and tight that Galadriel thought they could only fit a child's doll.  She wasted no time in flinging her husband's "thoughtful" gift into the back of her closet, where it would never see daylight or moonlight again, and slamming the door shut. 

The Lady of Lórien unsteadily made her way out of her chambers with her face as white as snow. 

"Must.  Take.  Walk.  Must.  Flee.  From.  Evil.  Undergarments."

A/N:  So what will happen to Galadriel on her walk?  Will Celeborn ever be able to get back into shape?  Will any of Celeborn's schemes ever win back Galadriel's favor?  Will Haldir permanently lose his sanity?  Keep the reviews and ideas coming, everyone, to find out.