Author's Notes: Over fifty reviews! I'm really happy to know that people are enjoying this story so much. It encourages me to keep writing. I get the feeling that this chapter's going to be a little controversial due to an implied m/m relationship. Rest assured that it is all for the sake of comedy. For this story, everyone's straight. After all, I intend to keep this as a PG fic.
Plot bunny thanks go to;
Katie: I had been debating on whether or not to use the idea I was considering for this chapter. When you said that a certain event would be funny, which happened to be what I was considering, I knew that I should use it. My thanks O' Mighty One.
As always, thinking is in * *
Chapter 5: My New "Lover"
"Haldir?"
The elven guard visibly winced at the sound of a meek, pleading voice behind him. With deliberate slowness, he turned around to face the one who plagued his very existence. A murderous glint was in his eyes as a false smile spread across his face.
"Yes, my lord?" Haldir's voice was sickeningly sweet and had a subtle do-anything-and-I-shall-feed-you-to-the-nearest-Balrog tone to it.
Of course, Celeborn was completely blind to subtlety and therefore did not see any reason to fear for his immortal life.
"I am not sure how to put this into words, Haldir, but…I need a maiden."
"What?" Haldir's homicidal expression was instantly transformed into one of pure confusion. "What of your wife, Lady Galadriel? Have you given up on the pursuit of her heart?"
"Dear Elbereth, no!" Celeborn protested instantly. "Elrond told me to court another maiden so that Galadriel will become enraged with jealousy and instantly come running into my arms."
"Or break your arms," Haldir mumbled under his breath.
Celeborn, completely oblivious, continued. "Because you are favored by so many maidens in Lórien, I thought that perhaps you could aid me in arranging this scheme."
"Very well," Haldir sighed. At this point, he was willing to do absolutely anything to rid himself of the Lord of Lórien. "Send word to Galadriel that you wish to speak to her seriously and arrange for her to meet you on the top of Cerin Amroth; for there is not a more romantic spot in all of Lothlórien. The rest shall be handled by me."
* * *
The temptation to laugh was too great for Galadriel as she read the sheet of parchment which she had received only a few seconds ago.
My dearest Galadriel,
The conflict between us must be resolved. We must reconcile for the sake of our marriage and the future of Lórien. Please meet me upon the top of Cerin Amroth when the sun has reached its peak.
Sincerely,
Celeborn
"Could he be any more of a child?" Galadriel laughed. "Does he think me blind? I can see right through his scheme. He has requested that I meet him at the center of Lothlorien's beauty so that he can obviously attempt to woo me once more. If I come as he bids, he will think that I have agreed to submit to his will. Alas, for he shall be mistaken. I will heed to this summons, but in my own time. I shall arrive before him with several guards and thus it will appear to all that he is late. Ah yes, it is good to be a queen."
Galadriel proceeded to walk to her audience chamber where she could summon an appropriate number of guards to accompany her. The elves that were working around her did their best to act as though they had not heard their queen speaking to herself. After all, they knew that pointing out the shortcomings of the Lady of Lórien meant an eternity of pain.
* * *
Meanwhile, while Galadriel was laughing at her own cleverness, Celeborn found himself in what other elves would call paradise. Haldir had called in many old favors, and even more old girlfriends, and assembled a swarm of elf maidens on Cerin Amroth. Normally, Haldir would never have agreed to such a task, but at that moment he would do anything to get Celeborn to latch onto someone else. The said Lord of Lórien, however, was paying no attention to the maidens, or the way Haldir was shamelessly flirting with each of them. Instead, Celeborn's mind was completely focused on his wife.
*Perhaps this is not a wise idea. When Galadriel and I exchanged our vows, I promised that I would always remain faithful to her. Even though I do this to save our marriage, are my actions justified? After this scheme is over, will I still deserve her?*
Celeborn was snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of Haldir's voice. "I am sorry, Haldir. My mind was elsewhere for a moment. Would you please repeat what you said?"
"Your mind has been elsewhere for much longer than a moment," Haldir grumbled to himself before he spoke up. "I asked if you saw any maid who struck your fancy. I am sure that you could pick the most worthy elf for your scheme from this assembly of beauty in its purest form."
Many of the elf maidens blushed at Haldir's eloquent words. No matter how angry they were at his egotistical nature, the elven guard's way with words never failed to make them swoon.
"I suppose I could choose one…" Celeborn trailed off. "But I am beginning to doubt this plan."
"No! You can not doubt the plan now!" Haldir stopped and calmed his tone of voice before continuing. "What I mean is that there is no way to call your scheme off now. Galadriel has received your summons and the maidens are assembled. If you call this off, then it will prove your love for Lady Galadriel is not as strong as you claim." *And my sanity shall leave me for all eternity.*
Celeborn paled at Haldir's words. "How can you say that? Our love knows no bounds and I am no coward."
Haldir was barely able to keep his laughter in check as his lord continued.
"I shall not back down, for this is the only way. Now Haldir, help me to select a maiden that
may benefit our cause."
*'Our cause'!?* Haldir cringed but kept his mouth shut.
"So, my dear Haldir, what attributes must be possessed by the maiden that will make Galadriel the most jealous."
"That is obvious my lord. She must be fair of face with pale skin that glows like moonlight. Her eyes must be wide with naïve innocence. Her hair should flow like a waterfall of silk and not bound up in any way. Her body must be lithe and delicate to the eyes and all of her curves must be emphasized well…" Haldir trailed off as his eyes glazed over in dreamy pleasure.
As Haldir described the perfect maiden, Celeborn's eyes also glazed over in pleasure. The maiden that the elven guard described reminded him greatly of Galadriel in her youth, before Nenya came along and made his life miserable.
While both male elves were glazing, Galadriel emerged on the top of Cerin Amroth with ten elven guards. She stopped abruptly when she saw the hoard of maidens surrounding Haldir and her husband. She was not surprised to find Haldir in the midst of this, but she glared at Celeborn and mentally considered the consequences of binding him and then throwing his body to a pack of starving wargs.
"What is the meaning of this?" She finally demanded, having decided that her idea would take to long.
Celeborn and Haldir immediately snapped out of their fantasies and stared at the seething Lady of Lórien in horror.
Celeborn recovered first. "My dearest, you are at least an hour early. Pray tell me why you have brought guards with you?"
"I am earlier than expected because I chose to be. No one summons me as though I am second-rate. As for the guards, they are here in case you try anything that would involve touching me. Now explain why you, a married elf lord, are surrounded by maidens."
"Yes dear," Celeborn squeaked before he whispered to Haldir. "What am I to do now?"
"Just continue as we planned," The younger elf whispered back.
"All of it?"
"All of it."
The Lord of Lórien stood straight and proud as he regarded his wife with an air of authority. "I have invited you all here because I have something I wish to say."
"Go on," Galadriel narrowed her eyes. *If this is not a public apology for the way he has been acting I will use Nenya to blast a large hole in his head; not that he needs another one.*
Celeborn gulped and continued. "I hereby declare that I have taken a new lover!" He whispered again to Haldir. "Now what? I have not made my choice yet."
"Just pick one!" Haldir hissed back at him before discreetly making his way away from the elf lord.
Celeborn turned to his audience, who stared at him in curious surprise. "I have chosen…"
His eyes darted wildly around the maidens in the crowd and tried to choose one as quickly as possible. *To tall, to skinny, not enough curves, too young, too old. Her hair is too dark and that one does not have enough hair. How am I to decide?* Celeborn suddenly spotted the back of someone's head, with long platinum blonde hair, making their way out of the crowd. A warning siren went off in his head, telling him not to choose that one, but Celeborn was too desperate at that point to heed it. The elven lord reached out and grabbed the fleeing person's arm, pulling them over to him.
"I choose…" He took a quick look at the face of his new 'lover', turned back to the crowd, and announced. "I choose Haldir as my new lover!"
"What!?" The crowd of maidens shouted.
"What!?" Galadriel practically shrieked.
"What!?" Haldir cried out in absolute terror as Celeborn held him firmly by the arm.
"Yes!" Celeborn declared, completely unaware of the disgusted looks he was being given. "I have chosen Haldir as my lover and I know that she…he will give me the greatest of pleasure."
"Why are you saying this?" Haldir growled at his lord.
"Was that not what you instructed me to say when I chose the
one that would make Galadriel jealous?" Celeborn innocently whispered back.
"You were supposed to choose a maiden, not me!"
"But there was no perfection in any of the maidens. You are the most perfect elf I know, Snuggylumpkins," Celeborn cooed and began to nuzzle the younger elf's face.
Haldir paled. "Will you please stop acting the way I told you to act? You are scaring me."
Celeborn stopped and glared at Haldir. "You said that I should act like this when I chose my partner. I chose you as my partner, so you need to deal with this. If I am to betray my wife with these action, which I should remind you were your idea, then you shall suffer the consequences with me."
A shadow passed over Haldir's face.
"You shall die slowly and painfully for invoking my wrath."
Celeborn blinked in surprise. "What did you say?"
Haldir returned to normal.
"I…I said…where did Galadriel go?"
Both elves looked around the crowd for a sign of the Lady of Lórien. All of the maidens were dispersing at that point, grumbling about how the gay elves were always the most masculine. The elven guards that Galadriel had brought with her were currently laying down wagers on how long the relationship would last. As for Galadriel herself, there was no sign anywhere.
"Well," Celeborn gave his new lover a sunny smile. "Now that she knows about our relationship, we can now move on to the next part of our scheme."
"What part was that?" Haldir tried to pry his arm out of his lord's grip.
"We get to shamelessly flaunt our love!" Celeborn was grinning madly as he released Haldir and practically skipped away.
Haldir looked to the sky and screamed at the top of his lungs. "CURSE THE VALAR!!!!"
A/N: Forgive me, Haldir fans. It was too tempting to resist. So where has Galadriel gone? What is Celeborn planning this time? Keep the reviews and ideas coming to find out.