Author's Notes: I was hoping to get this chapter posted sooner, but recent events have delayed me. My brother is getting married this weekend, so I've been frantically working on getting the house to look perfect. I thank all of you for your patience. I hope that the humor in this chapter makes up for the wait. For those that asked for it, I present more schizophrenic Haldir!
Plot Bunny Thanks go to:
"Shrek"- Some of those lines are so vivid that they can't help but inspire me. I love you Dreamworks!
Chapter 6: Insanity is a Downward Spiral
Throughout the kingdom of Lórien, elves were going about their daily business. Few knew of the dangers beyond their borders, and those who did know could not be held down with ill feelings. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the entire forest of Lothlórien was covered in a gentle blanket of serenity. All seemed peaceful and unspoiled to all the elves.
Well…all but one elf.
Haldir stomped through the forest, causing all types of animals to scramble for cover as he passed. The scowling expression on the elven guard's face mimicked that of a dwarf who had been kicked out of a prosperous mithril mine. An innocent little rabbit hopped up to him and twitched his whiskers cutely. Haldir stopped his stomping and looked down at the rabbit. A twisted, evil grin spread over the elf's face.
In another part of Lórien, several elves were surprised to see a rabbit fly over their heads.
Haldir's grin disappeared and a guilty expression spread over his face as he watched the rabbit go flying over the horizon.
"That was not very nice."
His eyes narrowed as a shadow passed over his face.
"Do you think I care? I am completely enraged and needed to unleash my anger on something. Besides, the rabbit population around here will make up for the loss ten-fold by tonight."
Haldir returned to normal.
"Attacking innocent animals is not the way to solve this problem. I must clear my mind and think rationally. There must be a logical way to turn Celeborn away without involving myself any further."
The shadow returned.
"So far, logic has done a wonderful job of severing your involvement with Celeborn's marriage problems. It would be much easier to simply kill him and be done with it."
Haldir returned to normal.
"I can not bring myself to murder him! He is my lord and husband to the most powerful elf in Middle Earth! I pledged my undying loyalty to both them and the kingdom of Lórien. It is my sworn duty to aid them whenever they have need of me and Lord Celeborn definitely needs me now."
The shadow returned.
"You do not have to murder him directly. You know, accidents happen all the time."
Haldir returned to normal.
"I will do no such thing."
The shadow returned.
"Wimp."
If anyone had been passing by at that point, they would have been met with the interesting sight of Haldir's face alternating between deranged and horrified while arguing with himself.
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Oh Haldiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir?"
The one person argument immediately ceased at the sound of Celeborn's voice. Haldir spun around and frantically looked around for a place to hide, but he was too late. The Lord of Lórien raced over to the younger elf and wrapped his arms securely around Haldir's right arm.
Resisting the very tempting urge to scream, Haldir growled through his teeth. "Yes, my lord?"
"Dear Haldir," Celeborn smiled innocently at his new, self-appointed partner. "We can not make Galadriel jealous if we are not seen together in public. We must walk arm-in-arm together through the very heart of Lórien so that everyone will see us and the gossip will spread to my wife."
As Celeborn spoke, Haldir was trying to pry his lord's arms off of his own arm with his hunting knife as a wedge. "I have a better idea, my lord. Why do we not part ways here, walk to opposite ends of Lórien, and pretend that we did walk together?"
"Haldir, your jests are so amusing," Celeborn giggled as he began to forcefully drag Haldir back to the center of the kingdom.
The elven lord's grip on Haldir's arm tightened painfully and Haldir wondered how painful it would be to knaw his arm off like a fox in a metal trap. If anyone asked, he could always say that an orc chopped it off.
* * *
Galadriel sat alone on the balcony outside her chambers, trying not to look like she was brooding. Her normally impassive demeanor had been shattered when Celeborn had announced that Haldir was his lover. She had snuck away from the top of Cerin Amroth, amidst the confusion, before her reputation as the most emotionally constipated elf in Middle Earth was destroyed in a moment of bloody violence. Since then, she was hard pressed to avoid anyone else for fear that she would snap. Shutting oneself away from the world was very boring for the elf queen, so she tried to pass the time by polishing Nenya.
As she polished, Galadriel found herself speaking out loud to fill the silence. "Nenya looks so beautiful when polished. When Nenya looks beautiful, Galadriel looks beautiful. If Galadriel makes Nenya look perfect, then Galadriel looks perfect."
"My lady?" A maid stepped into Galadriel's chambers. "My lady, would you care for anything to eat? You have not partaken of any food all day."
"Yes, I would like something to eat," Galadriel growled through her teeth. "How about the boiled head of an elven lord doused in the intestinal juices of the Galadhrim's leader? Perhaps both of their livers can be covered in a marinade made of their fingernails and served on the side."
"…Of…of course, my lady…whatever you say," The maid backed away toward the door very slowly. "I shall see what the cooks can do."
The door slammed behind a bit louder than the maid wanted as she ran for dear life. Perhaps they were hiring maids in Imladris.
When the maid left, Galadriel mentally berated herself. She should not have lost control as she did. The Lady of Lórien was supposed to be perfect in every way. She returned to polishing Nenya with new determination.
"Nenya perfect, Galadriel perfect. Nenya perfect, Galadriel perfect. Nenya perfect, Galadriel perfect."
As she polished, Galadriel glanced down at her realm that stretched out below the balcony. Unfortunately, the site she saw did nothing for her shattered composure.
Celeborn was walking arm-in-arm with Haldir.
If Galadriel had not been so enraged with her husband at the moment, she might have noticed that Haldir had a huge scowl on his face and was smacking Celeborn's arm repeatedly with a large rock. She also would have noticed that Celeborn was practically dragging Haldir along. However, Galadriel's sense of logic and reality had completely taken leave of her on Cerin Amroth. All that she saw was her husband with his arms not only wrapped around another elf, but another male elf. She wanted to scream curses. She wanted to use Nenya to vaporize both of them. She wanted to scream curses while using Nenya to vaporize both of them. However, the Lady of Lórien knew that such a show of emotions would destroy her reputation. So instead of doing anything to the elves shamelessly flaunting their (one-sided) love around Lórien, she began to polish Nenya in double-time."
"NenyaperfectGaladrielperfectNenyaperfectGaladrielperfectNenyaperfectGaladrielperfect…"
* * *
By the standards of all that visited the Golden Woods, Lórien was most beautiful at night. The light of Eärendil and the full moon bathed the entire kingdom in an ethereal light. In fact, it was often said that at night, the golden mallorn leaves became silver in the starlight. This beauty was accentuated by the silence throughout the kingdom as all of its residents were lost in their own dreams.
On this night, however, two residents were definitely not lost in their dreams. In fact, they were both wide awake and arguing loudly.
"Absolutely not!" Haldir bellowed.
"Honestly, Haldir, there is nothing to be ashamed of. You know very well that elves involved in a relationship commonly share the same bed," Celeborn replied calmly.
"Yes, but we are not involved in a relationship!" Haldir stalked toward the door.
The Lord of Lórien sighed. "Do you think me blind, Haldir? I see your discomfort from sleeping in that chair night after night. I know that I have been a burden these past few weeks and so the least I can do is offer to share the bed which you so willingly allowed me to use," Celeborn patted the empty side of the bed. "Please, Haldir?"
The elven guard was skeptical. "How do I know that you are not planning on doing something to me while I sleep for the sake of your scheme? I refuse to be used like this any longer."
Celeborn held up his hand and replied solemnly. "I give you my word as the Lord of Lórien that I will not do anything to you whilst you sleep."
With great caution and an unbelieving look in his eyes, Haldir made his way over to the bed. He knew that Celeborn would never break a vow, but he still had the feeling that the elven lord was planning something. Haldir paused, thinking that it might be safer to spend another night in the chair, but his bed called to him; his nice, soft, warm bed. Just looking at the satin sheets made Haldir long to curl up in them and fall into blissful sleep.
With a sigh of defeat, Haldir sat down on the bed and swung his legs around. He could not remember ever sitting on something so soft and comfortable in all of his immortal life. Haldir was about to pull the sheets up and fall asleep when Celeborn suddenly landed in his lap.
"What, in Eru's name, are you DOING?!" Haldir shouted as Celeborn wrapped his arms around the younger elf's neck and nuzzled his chest.
"What does it look like, my love? I am heating things up."
"I DO NOT WANT THINGS TO HEAT UP!" Haldir screeched as he tried to disentangle himself from Celeborn's grip. But, the elven lord's arms were completely secure around his neck. Haldir's eye began to twitch rapidly. It seemed to be doing that a lot lately.
"You said that you would not do anything!" Haldir growled between eye twitches.
"I said that I would not do anything whilst you slept. I did not say that I would not do anything while you were awake."
"GET OFF ME!!!!!" Haldir began struggling harder.
Celeborn simply looked at the younger elf innocently. "But if we do not create a romantic atmosphere, then how is the painting to look believable?"
Haldir instantly stopped struggling and paled. "What painting?"
"Do you not remember that you arranged for an artist to paint a picture of me in bed with my chosen partner? That painting would then be hung up on Galadriel's door to further prompt her jealousy."
"I was expecting you to choose a maiden, not me."
"It is too late. The artist will be here anytime now," Celeborn began to divest Haldir of his shirt. "So why do we not get into the mood?"
The idea of having a painting created of him and the Lord of Lórien in bed together gave Haldir renewed strength. With unelven strength, he managed to shove Celeborn off, jump out of bed, and bolt out the door.
* * *
While Celeborn and Haldir were busy arguing, it appeared that another was still awake in Lórien. Galadriel was sitting in her private glade, filling up her mirror with water. Nothing seemed to do anything toward calming herself. Every time she tried to do anything, she would think of Celeborn and Haldir together and the composure she had managed to gather would scatter to the four winds. Finally, she had to resort to the most drastic of measures. The only way to take her mind off of her husband was to fill her mind with dark visions of the future.
Galadriel sat down beside the mirror and allowed the visions to appear. Legions of orcs ravished all of Middle Earth with their cruel touch. The Dark Lord, once more having a physical form, stood atop Barad-dûr and laughed as all fell to his will. The Eldar were slaughtered while younger elves were tortured and mutilated until they became orcs.
The visions suddenly vanished, much to Galadriel's surprise. It was replaced by an image of Haldir crawling into bed and Celeborn leaping on top of him. Had Galadriel been thinking clearly, she would have witnessed the argument between Haldir and her husband, as well as Haldir's hasty departure.
However, Galadriel was not thinking clearly. As a result, the mirror did not show what had actually transpired. Instead, it reflected a vision from her mind. Instead of running away, Haldir began to sensually kiss her husband. Celeborn moaned as they undressed each other and prepared to go all the way.
The vision was cut off as Galadriel pushed the mirror off of its pedestal. The great silver basin clanged to the ground and the water spilled out onto the ground. Galadriel fell to her knees and shouted to the heavens.
"Curse you, Celeborn! Curse you!"
A/N: Not my usual way of ending a chapter, but I needed to get things set up for chapter 7. Keep the reviews and ideas coming, everyone. They inspire me. Coming up; Galadriel snaps and Haldir finds himself in even more trouble. If you have any other ideas to add to the next chapter, send me a review.