Author's Notes: Thanks a lot to everyone who was able to review before the site shut down (all five of you). Based on your responses, it looks like I'm definitely going to do my short stories on other notable elves, though none from the Silmarillion because I haven't finished reading it yet. Now all I have to decide is what to write about each of them. I have Glorfindel's story planned out, but I'm missing one tiny piece of information. Does anyone know when he came back from the Halls of Mandos? Suggestions are VERY welcome. I've also begun to write the prologue to my post ROTK story. I guarantee that it will be a lot more serious than what I normally write, but I'll throw in some zany hobbit antics for good measure.
Now, for the author's notes on this story. I'm very sorry that it took so long to update. My job takes up a lot of hours and my free time has been spent helping out with a huge video production project. Rest assured, for I have not forgotten my dear readers. I've even made this chapter the longest one yet. The end is coming! Haldir's plan goes into action and the elven Odd Couple finally lets their true feelings for each other out. How will it end? You just have to read to find out. Celeborn actually shows signs of intelligence in this chapter. I should warn you that there's some nice drunken insanity in this chapter.
Plot bunny thanks go to:
Kim- Your original suggestion for a romantic dinner has evolved just a 'teeny' bit, but it was still your idea. Even though you never want to see LotR, I'll forgive you for now.
Chapter 9: Wine and Reconciliation
For some bizarre reason, the next day was uncomfortably hot. Usually, Lothlórien remained a constant, comfortable, seventy-three degrees Fahrenheit with an occasional breeze. On this day, however, the sun pierced through the mallorn trees and roasted anything that did not seek shelter. The heat was so stifling that even the elves were suffering. Any normal elf knew that venturing outside on a day like this was pure folly.
Of course, some elves could never, in good conscious, be labeled as "normal".
Lord Celeborn was pacing to and fro in a clearing on the edge of the elven city. He ignored the rivers of sweat falling down his brow as he eagerly anticipated what was to come. Earlier that morning he had received a summons from Haldir, asking him for a private meeting. Naturally, the Lord of Lórien could not refuse. It had occurred to him that, despite being away from Galadriel and courting another elf, he still had not gotten any sweet elf lovin'. Haldir must have realized this as well. After all, why else would he ask the elf lord to come alone to this secluded area?
Celeborn shifted nervously on his feet. He had not lain with another in over eight thousand years. While he still remembered the motions, he was afraid that he had forgotten the proper ways to initiate foreplay. And then there was his outfit. Should he have dressed more seductively or should he have worn even more layers to give Haldir a proper workout? These thoughts buzzed through his mind like a hive of honey bees, causing a most annoying ringing in his ears. Or perhaps this was because the heat was starting to get to him.
A rustle of leaves to his right caused Celeborn to stop his pacing. Standing before him was Haldir in his Ghaladrim robes, though they were looser than usual to stand the heat. The elven guard was leaning against a tree with a very inviting look on his face. He sauntered up to his lord and gave him his patented lady-killer smile.
"What is this, my lord?" Haldir purred as he ran a fingertip over Celeborn's sweaty brow. "You are sweating. Does this mean that my presence is heating you up?"
Celeborn was at a loss for words as his mind fogged over and his knees began to shake. Or perhaps that was because he was about to pass out from heat. He returned Haldir's smile with one of pure adoration.
The elven guard's smile shifted from sensual to mischievous as he backed away. Celeborn scowled from the loss of contact, but Haldir took no notice.
"What do you say, my lord? Would you like to see how I deal with this heat?"
"Oh yes!" Celeborn nodded vigorously. "I would like to see that very much indeed."
Haldir winked and began to undo the already loose laces of his tunic. Celeborn felt his mouth become dry at the site. Or perhaps that was because the he was dehydrated. With the laces undone, Haldir slowly divested himself of the tunic and revealed his bare chest. Celeborn felt himself growing woozy. When the younger elf reached for his leggings, Celeborn fell to the ground in a dead faint. The elf lord would later tell people that he had passed out from the pure bliss of watching Haldir strip, but the truth was that he had suffered from an extreme case of heat exhaustion.
"That was too predictably easy," Haldir chuckled to himself as he picked up the unconscious elf lord and slung him over his shoulder. So far, his plan was going perfectly. After he deposited Celeborn in a designated area and made sure he couldn't escape, Haldir set off to find Galadriel.
* * *
On a hot day like this one, there was only one place that Galadriel could possibly be; sitting in her glade and staring at her mirror. She had thought that the sudden heat wave must have been the work of the Dark Lord and was currently looking all over Middle Earth for something that proved her theory. Sadly, she was having no luck. It would appear that a simple weather fluctuation was something she had never considered. Galadriel wiped the sweat from her face and tried to ignore the desire for water as she doggedly searched her mirror for any trace of Sauron.
The Lady of Lórien was so absorbed in her search that she failed to hear the sounds of someone entering the glade. It was not until two arms encircled her shoulders that Galadriel was snapped back into reality.
"You work too hard, my lady," a strong, deep voice whispered into her pointed ear. "You really must learn to relax. Perhaps I can help you with that."
Galadriel shivered as the breath from that recognizable voice passed over her ear. "How do you plan to help me, Haldir?"
Haldir chuckled and turned her in his arms so that they stood face to face. "I propose that we play a game."
"What sort of game?" Galadriel smiled when she noticed the younger elf was clad in naught but his grey leggings.
The elven guard pulled away and smiled devilishly. "A most delightful game, my lady. The reward for winning shall be most pleasurable."
"And what must I do to claim this reward?"
"Catch me and you shall have it," Haldir passed a hand over his bare chest, making Galadriel shiver with pleasure.
"When shall we begin to play, melethril?" Galadriel smiled invitingly.
"Right now."
With those words, Haldir took off like an arrow from a bow. Galadriel blinked once in amazement. Haldir seemed to have gotten much faster in the past few days for some reason unknown to the Lady of Lórien. With a predatory grin on her face, she took off after the younger elf at full speed. Both elves noiselessly zipped below and among the mallorn branches in their wild chase. If Galadriel had been paying attention to anything other than the shirtless elf in front of her, she might have noticed that he was leading her back into the city.
Haldir chanced a quick glance behind him to make sure that the Lady of Lórien was still following him. He was not disappointed. Galadriel was only a few yards behind him. Smiling triumphantly to himself, the elf guard changed direction and began to head up the long, winding staircase that led to the audience chamber and personal quarters of the Lord and Lady of Lórien. Galadriel took no notice, so intent was she on catching her precious little Haldir. With a speed only an elf could manage, Haldir reached the top of the stairs and ran straight into the lord and lady's bedroom. Galadriel finally took notice of her surroundings as she passed through the ornate doors and grinned. It would appear that Haldir wished for her to claim her reward in her own bedroom. *How naughty of him."
Galadriel stopped inside her room, for it was completely dark and there was no sign of Haldir. Confused, the Lady of Lórien stepped forward, only to hear the door slam behind her, a latch click and footsteps running away. Galadriel mentally berated herself for being led so easily. It was only then that she noticed movement on the other side of the room, as well as a several lit candles. The Lady of Lórien moved toward the light and was shocked at what she saw.
A small table was set up with a red satin table cloth as well as two wine goblets and several dozen bottles of foreign wine. Two chairs were set up on either side of the table. Sitting in one of those chairs was a very confused looking Celeborn.
"Oh. It is you," a tone of disgust threatened to break through Galadriel's monotone voice. "What are you doing here?"
"What I am doing here is none of your business," Celeborn shot back. "In any case, you would not understand."
The urge to roll her eyes was hastily suppressed by the Lady of Lórien. "Do not take me for a fool, Celeborn. You are waiting here for Haldir."
"You only know that because you read my mine, you cheater," Celeborn grumbled before raising his voice back to a normal level. "A lucky guess, my lady. And you are correct. I wonder where that handsome mass of elf muscles has gotten too. No doubt he is planning something very special for me."
*Valar, can anyone be more oblivious?* Galadriel groaned inwardly. "Celeborn, you moron, do you not see that this is all a setup? Haldir has tricked both of us in order to bring us together. He wants us to reconcile, though I thought I made it perfectly clear that I wanted nothing more to do with you."
"He did what!?" The Lord of Lórien jumped to his feet. "That traitorous little snake! How dare he play coy with me! When I get him, he will be made to clean the stables for the next thousand years with a spoon!"
"A spoon, Celeborn? I would be better if he could use naught but his bare hands."
"Exactly!"
Celeborn and Galadriel nodded in agreement before realizing what they were doing and immediately turned their backs to each other. The silence that followed was almost deafening.
"So…" Celeborn broke the silence after a few minutes. "I suppose that we should go our separate ways now."
"We cannot," Galadriel replied neutrally from her side of the room.
Celeborn sent a glare over his shoulder at his wife's back. "And why is that? It would be a simple task to open the door and leave."
"Haldir locked it."
"Then we can simply unlock it," a tiny growl was interlaced with the elf lord's words.
"I put a ward upon the doors during the Second Age that keeps them shut against any force when locked. They cannot simply be 'unlocked'. I am surprised that you have forgotten that."
Celeborn found his patience wearing very thin. "So use Nenya to blast them open. At least then that ring would be used for something productive."
"Fool," Galadriel sighed. "The ward was created in case Sauron gained control of Nenya. If that happened, then many could hide in here and not have to fear the ring breaking down the doors."
"That, my dear," Celeborn turned around and stormed over to his wife. "was the STUPIDEST idea you have ever had. Did it ever occur to you what would happen if the doors were locked by accident? How would one get out then?"
"They would be trapped in here for all time. I had assumed that no elf would ever be careless enough to lock themselves in a warded room. That mistake is only made by humans and drunken hobbits."
"This is just wonderful!" Celeborn threw his hands into the air as he shouted. "I am to be trapped for all eternity with a living block of ice. I was worried about not getting any before, but now I am guaranteed to remain celibate for the rest of my life! Valar, why do you torture me like this?"
"Oh stop whining, Celeborn!" Galadriel spun around to face her exasperated husband. "That is all you ever do anymore!"
"I do not!"
Galadriel's voice went up an octave in a mocking tone as she waved her hands about. " 'Galadriel, why will you not do me anymore?'. 'I am not being selfish, I just want to have hot animal sex instead of fighting the Dark Lord.'. 'Galadriel, do not take my whore Haldir.' 'Why are the Valar so mean to me?'. Honestly, Celeborn, you are not acting a day over fifty."
"I do not sound that pathetic," Celeborn grumbled as he flopped back into one of the two chairs and began to sulk.
Galadriel wanted to counter that statement with something particularly nasty, but decided that it was best to keep at least some of her dignity intact.
As he pouted and sulked, Celeborn's eyes spotted the bottles of wine upon the table.
"Well," he sighed and reached for the closest bottle. "If we are forced to remain in here with you for the next few millennia, I suppose we should make the best of it. Would you like a glass?"
"I will take nothing you offer," Galadriel huffed as she crossed her arms defiantly.
"Very well," Celeborn popped the cork and inhaled deeply. "It is your loss, seeing as how this wine smells delectable. I suppose that means more for me then."
Galadriel glared at her husband as he poured himself a glass and began to drink. She refused to admit it, but she was extremely thirsty. The abnormally hot weather, along with the wild chase she and Haldir had engaged in earlier, had made her mouth and throat dry with dehydration. To see Celeborn pour himself a second glass of that cool, refreshing liquid was sheer torture to her parched mouth. She found the last remnants of liquid within her body dripping from her tongue in longing for such smooth, fragrant, and tantalizing refreshment. It took her several moments before she suddenly realized that she was unconsciously moving toward the table.
"Wha's this?" Celeborn's words were slightly slurred as he watched Galadriel's approach. "Couldit be tha' Galadral's goin' backon 'er word?"
Scattering the last remnants of her dignity to the four winds in favor of satiating her thirst, the Lady of Lórien dropped into the second chair.
"Just shut up and pour the wine," she growled and held out a glass.
Celeborn gave her a lopsided grin as he picked up the bottle with shaky hands and poured the wine, spilling half of it on the tablecloth.
Two drinks later…
"Hee hee hee hee hee!" Galadriel giggled like an elfling, her face bright red. "Ooooooohhh. Lookit all the pretty colors!"
"Pretty colors!" Celeborn chimed in, equally red in the face. "Pretty colors swirl all 'roun da room!"
Celeborn spun around, but his 'slightly' inebriated state caused him to loose his balance and fall flat on his royal bum. Galadriel watched this and began laughing hysterically.
"Ha ha ha ha ha! Cel'brn fall down go boom! Funny Cel'brn!"
"Stoppit stoppit! I not funny!" Celeborn snarled through his drunken slur as he attempted to stand again. "I Lord o' Lorrrrrren. Lord o' pretty colrs swirlin' all round an' round," he fell back again. "Pretty colrs aroun' me. Pretty colrs round you. You got pretty colors. Pretty colors wit' pretty elf. You pretty elf."
"Me pretty elf!" Galadriel beamed and reached for the bottle again. "Pretty elf need 'nother drinky."
"More drinky!" Celeborn chimed in and pulled himself back onto his chair, his empty goblet thrust high in the air.
Six drinks later…
"Me love drinky! Goo' drinky wit da prettyprettycolrs!" Celeborn was currently engaged in prancing around the room and singing horribly off key. "Celly-bon like ta drinky wit da prettyelf an' da pretty lilaminals."
It was then that Celeborn seemingly tripped over his own feet and went crashing face first into the floor. But Galadriel knew better. It was the little purple penguin in the alligator skin top hat that tripped him. She scowled at the penguin as it walked over and began to poke Celeborn's head with its flipper.
"Bad pengeen!" Galadriel stumbled to her feet and charged the tiny purple waterfowl. "Pengeenleave Celly 'lone! No pokes Celly!"
The plastered Lady of Lórien went in for a full out body slam on the penguin, but crafty little bugger scampered out of the way and the forces of gravity pulled Galadriel directly on top of her husband. Celeborn was jolted awake by the impact and managed to find his voice.
"Wha' 'appened?"
"Bad pengeen," Galadriel nodded solemnly. "Naughty 'urple pengeen witda alli-ga-ter 'at."
"Oh. Stupypengeens 'gain. Das da tird time disweek they come. Me nolike da pengeens. 'Cept for prettycolrs. Like da purty colrs. Purtylike you."
"Hee hee!" Galadriel giggled again and crawled back to the table for more wine. "Me prettyelf."
It was then that the Lady of Lórien looked over at her inebriated spouse and a revelation hit her. Through her completely obscured vision, she no longer saw her pale, skinny, useless husband. Instead, she was looking at the most handsome god in Middle Earth. He was tall and muscular with a deep bronze tan. His hair was long and perfectly groomed. His very presence radiated with elven sexiness. He was the drunken vision of perfection. It was then that a strange urge to bite her husband came over Galadriel.
So she did.
Celeborn was so inebriated that he did not even feel the little nip on his neck. All he cared about was plucking the purple feathers off of the penguins and then getting another drink. Galadriel, however, was taken aback by her actions. No, she was not taken aback because she had bitten him; she was taken aback because she wondered why she had not bitten him sooner. Not only was he gorgeous to her blurred eyes, but he tasted absolutely scrumptious. Her body ached to taste him again. Her stomach growled with hunger for his flavor. But, she knew that she couldn't eat him unless she had something to wash it down with.
She managed to pour at least a small portion of the wine into her goblet while the rest spilled over her gown. "Me prettyelf. You prettierelf. Prettierelf an' prettyelf drinky more."
One bottle later…
"Colrs' spinny roun' an' roun'! Dance lilcolrs! Dance wit Galadry!"
Galadriel spun around faster and faster, giggling nonstop. Her once white dress was permanently stained a deep red shade. Round and round she spun until her head could take no more and her knees buckled. The Lady of Lórien fell with an ungraceful thump on her back and did not even twitch. Celeborn flopped over to her side and stared down at her.
"You 'k prettyelf? Spinny make you goplop."
The fallen elf suddenly pulled Celeborn down until they were face to face.
"Shaddup an' kiss me 'andsome," she growled before sealing their lips together.
What followed could only be described as loud, obnoxious, far too eager, elf lovin'. As Galadriel and Celeborn made their way clumsily to the bed, the elf downstairs began to pound on the ceiling in an attempt to shut them up. However, the two nobles countered the racket by making even louder moans and other erotic noises in order to drown it out. Needless to say, not many people in the vicinity of Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn's chambers were able to sleep that night.
* * *
As morning light broke through the mallorn trees, two elves woke up to find themselves completely naked and entwined in the arms of the person they hated most. To make matters worse, both were battling enormous hangovers.
"What exactly did we do last night?" Celeborn grimaced from the feel that something had crawled into his mouth and died overnight.
"I would think that was painfully obvious," Galadriel groaned and threw a pillow over her head to block out the sunlight streaming down upon their bed.
Celeborn hung his head in shame as he reached for his discarded robe that had somehow been stuck to the ceiling. "I wonder how that got up there?" he wondered out loud before turning back to his wife. "I suppose that you despise me now, more than ever. I shall go now."
"No," Galadriel grabbed his wrist and yanked him back down. "I do not want you to go."
"I do not understand. You said that you did not wish to share your body with mine."
"I did not. That is…I did not want to share it while sober."
"So you think that I am desirable only when you have had too much wine?"
"Precisely."
The Lord of Lórien sighed and pulled the robe over his shoulders. "I do not think I could ever live with that. You do not desire me in the daylight, but you do desire me at night when you are drunk. It is very discouraging"
"Who says that I would only want you at night? If I were under the influence of that wine, I suppose I would like a repeat of last night's festivities right now."
Celeborn's eyes lit up hopefully as he searched his wife's face for any trace of sincerity. "What do you mean?"
He was rewarded with a naughty smile from Galadriel. She spoke soft and seductively as she pulled the robe off of Celeborn. "Last night was the most incredible night of my life and I wish to relive it over and over again. Tell me, sweet Celeborn, do we have any more bottles of that wine left?"
The Lord of Lórien glanced over to the dozens of bottles stacked up along the wall. "I believe we have enough to last us a long time."
"Good," Galadriel purred and reached for a new bottle. "After all, we can not be blamed by any for shirking our duties when we are intoxicated. Tis only natural to spend time away from work when under the influence of alcohol."
Celeborn pulled her into his arms and uncorked the bottle of wine. "Then what are we waiting for? Let us shirk some duties right now."
"Indeed," Galadriel did not bother to look for a goblet as she took the bottle from his hands. "I believe the humans have a saying, my husband. 'Bottoms up'!"
With that said, Galadriel took an enormous swig of the wine.
"Bottoms up indeed, sweet lady, for there is only one bottom that I want to see up in the air this morning." Celeborn chuckled as he took a swallow from the offered bottle and prepared for a repeat performance.
A/N: To be concluded…