Dear Harry,
Happy 20th birthday. You're not to old for that, are you? Happy birthday, I mean. I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, I had some trouble with Buckbeak.
Your last few letters, Harry, you've been rather conflicted. Yes, I may be jumping to conclusions, but I do tend to read between the lines, Potter. You've also asked for my advice, flat out, I'm not just assuming this. Unfortunately, I.. I can't give you a straight forward answer.
I can give you bits and pieces of what lead me to discover.. my answer to the same problem you're now facing, Harry.
So, please bare with me as I try and put to words those few moments, both good and bad, that helped me to come to peace with myself, and I hope they'll help you as well.
Wednesday, October 13th, the year escapes my mind. It's my fourth year at Hogwarts, our fourth year at Hogwarts, me, Peter, Remus and, your father, James. Two years ago we'd finally persuaded Remus to tell us what was wrong, and vowed to help him in whatever way we could. Looking back at it now, it's highly amusing. Headmaster Dumbledore thought we couldn't get worse, boy was he in for a surprise.
Anyway, I've gotten myself off track.
It was 6pm, the whole bunch of us were in Potions, along with the Slytherins. We seemed to always get stuck with the Slytherins. Normally, Potions was ok, normally nobody fretted about it. Why would we fret about Potions? Think about it Harry, some of the most common ingredients are dragon's blood, some sort of liver, and silver. Silver is lethal to werewolves, as I'm sure you know. Well, normally we didn't fret about Potions, because all of the teachers at Hogwarts were aware of Remus' little 'problem', of course, today of all days, we had a substitute.
'Good evening, class.' He said as he walked to the front of the room. He was incredibly tall, and it wasn't long before Peter was cracking jokes about how he was able to fit through the doorway. He had long, brownish hair, and if my memory serves me right, he looked like a half-starved owl.
'You,' he said as he pointed to Remus next to me. 'Would you please carry this tray to the back? I've hurt my shoulder and can't lift it.' Remus, the gentleman that he was, obliged without so much as a sigh. He picked up the tray and started to the back of the room as the teacher continued. 'Today we will be making a simple potion that will keep meat fresh for years until it's washed in the antidote. Consisting of only four ingredients, dragon's scales, salmon liver, gillyweed and pure, powdered silver this-' My heart caught in my throat, and a crash told us Remus had heard as well and dropped the tray.
'What was that about, Mr. Lupin?' the substitute asked, checking his chart to find out Remus' name.
'I uh..um..' Remus stuttered, shaking a little.
'Remus is really allergic to silver, sir!' James barked, sounding like a Muggle soldier. The teacher looked over at us, and we nodded furiously. He raised an eyebrow.
'Well, seeing as how I did not receive a notice, I will not exempt Mr. Lupin from the assignment. So he will just have to chose a partner who is not allergic to silver.' My hand went up immediately, and the substitute gave me an off-handed wave before continuing. 'You will gather the things you need-'
'Sirius,' I turned my head a little as Remus took his seat next to me, and whispered my name. 'Sirius, I can't do this. I-I can't go anywhere near that stuff!'
'Yes you can. I'll handle the silver. You'll be-'
'Mr. Black, perhaps it isn't such a good idea for Mr. Lupin to be working with you. Maybe I should-'
'No! No, I'm done, sorry..' I lowered my gaze as a few of the Slytherins snickered.
'Good.' He said with a glare at the two of us. 'Go.' He made his way behind the desk as the class scattered.
We quickly gathered our supplies, Remus shaking the entire time. Once we got to our cauldron, I put a hand on his arm. He looked up at me, and his big golden brown eyes were so scared that it was all I could do to not walk up and slap that inconsiderate prick of a professor.
'You'll be fine, Moony.' I whispered. He gave a faint smile and a small nod that told me he wasn't ok, but that he wasn't going to whine about it anymore.
We were doing fine until the very end. Remus insisted on preparing the other three ingredients, since he couldn't touch the fourth. I tried to tell him it wasn't necessary, that he could take two, and that I could take two, but apparently the silver affected his hearing as well.
7 o'clock rolled around, we had thirty minutes, and two ingredients to go; the silver and the dragon scales. Remus and I were doing well, he was feeling much more confident, having not had the slightest bit of contact with the silver, and I, myself, was feeling cocky. I had been a little apprehensive at first, not really sure if I could protect Remus, but now, now I was sure I could protect all of my friends, from anything.
But.. but those damned bloody Slytherins!
To this day I don't know who it was, or why they did it, but as Remus was about to add the dragon scales to our concoction, a shout rang out:
'Professor! I spilled my silver!'
Remus stumbled over his own shock, and fell. The dragon scales, which are supposed to be handled in the utmost care because their edges could cut through just about anything, fell to the floor, where Remus landed atop them. Luckily only his left arm caught the edges. He let out a small yelp, and I was next to him in seconds. I rolled up his sleeve as he sat up, despite his blushing protests that he was fine, and looked at his arm.
Four short, but deep lashes.
But, that wasn't all the Slytherins had planned.
'Mr. Black, would you please escort Mr. Lupin to the hospital wing?' But I didn't need the professor's permission, I was already nearly dragging Remus out.
We passed the last Slytherin cauldron, and were nearly home free, but I heard a clatter of a beaker hitting the floor, and a gasp from the class. I tightened my grip on Remus' hand, determined that if I pretended not to hear it, pretended it didn't concern Remus, that it wouldn't, but I felt Remus tense and stumble forward with a cry of alarm and pain, and I knew, I knew what had happened.
I turned in slow-motion to face the class. I wasn't surprised in the least to see the faces of the Gryffindors all covered in horror and panic, but I was taken aback by the good amount of Slytherins who looked scared as well. I turned to look at James and Peter.
'R-Remus..' James mouthed, and I did what I'd been dreading, I looked at Remus.
He looked as if he was standing in front of a Dementor who'd just lowered his hood. He tried to say something, I'm guessing my name, he licked his lips, a small grunt ebbed up, and he fell into my chest in a violent shaking fit. I gasped and wrapped my arms around him, about to pick him up when I saw his arm and my fears were confirmed.
The beaker of silver had hit his torn and bloody arm.
The severity of the situation suddenly slapped me in the face.
Remus had silver in his blood stream.
I quickly picked him up and ran as fast as my legs could carry me down the hall. I carried him with much difficulty, as he couldn't stop shaking, one hand under his knees, the other on his back. He continued shaking as I made it up the first set of stairs, and I groaned as I nearly dropped him. He must have realized this, for he groaned and tensed, trying to stop his shaking. Even in pain that would have sent a grown man to writhe on the floor, Remus was trying to help, me.
As I finished the second set of stairs, Remus curled up against my chest, balling his hand into a fist, and holding my robes. A small cry of agony managed to pass Remus' tightly pressed lips. Again I was amazed at his nobility, surely mere inches from death, and he was trying to keep himself quiet, so that he didn't disturb any of the classes.
He began shaking again and moaned against me. I could feel a wetness on my shirt, tears, and blood I was sure.
'D-don't hold it in, Moony.. th-that can't be a good idea..' I whispered in a highly emotional voice. He shook his head against my shirt and despite my tight hold on him, arched his back in pain.
'P-p..' He tried again to say something.
'Shut up!' I shouted in fear and desperation, sounding much, much harsher then I had intended. 'P-please just-just save your strength..' I turned into the last hall.
I felt Remus lurch, and I knew that he couldn't hold it in any longer, I knew that the pain had taken over. As I slammed my shoulder into the door and nearly fell into Madam Pomphrey, Remus let out a loud, pain filled howl that made my heart stop.
'Wh-what happened?!' Madam Pomphrey asked as she quickly opened a door to a private room.
'P-potions class..... Remus... allergic to .. to silver... his ... left arm...' I managed to get out as my muscles gave up and Remus hit the bed much, much harder then I would have wished. I leaned over the bed and pressed my forehead to his as four more doctors came in. I put one hand on his chest, trying desperately to stop him from arching as tears came to my eyes, and used the other to smooth hair from his face. I tried not to listen to the doctors, I didn't want to hear what they were saying, I was scared to hear it, scared to hear that my fears were now reality. I looked down at his face, his eyes were screwed shut in pain, and his mouth was open in a silent scream.
I don't remember when I started exactly, but I do remember telling Remus over and over again that it would be ok, that I wouldn't let him out of my sight.
'-im out.' I heard one of the doctors say. I knew what was coming, and I took my hand, reluctantly from Remus' hair, and gripped the railing. They were going to have to drag me out! Two of the doctors grabbed my shoulders, gently at first, but they tightened their grip as I refused to move.
'C'mon now, Sirius.' They said in calm, pleading voices, but I wouldn't budge, I could hear the panic in their voices. I knew I had tears pouring down my face like Remus, but I didn't care.
'No!' I was suddenly overcome with panic; they were taking him away from me! I began to thrash wildly, and felt myself being lifted off my feet. 'No! No!' I screamed so loud and so forcefully that I went hoarse in seconds.
I heard the door open.
'No! No!'
I looked over my shoulder. Remus, shaking so hard that the bed was moving, eyes clouded over and a constant stream of blood from his mouth and nose, had managed to sit himself up. I wanted to just roll over and die as Remus' cries changed from howls of agony, to:
'Sirius! Sirius!'
The doctors quickly set me down, turned and closed the door. I turned, pressing myself to the door and began slamming my fists so hard into the wood that they became raw and bloody, answering Remus' terrified pleas with my own empty promises of being 'right there'.
He cried out in pain, and a thump shook the door.
'Remus!' I screamed. What were they doing to him!? I had to get in! I had to-
I stopped pounding.
Remus had fallen silent.
I pressed myself closer to the door. Remus had indeed stopped yelling, but the doctors were shouting to each other in low, terrified voices.
'He's not breathing...'
'Do it! Do it!'
'No! It's to risky we-'
'Remus!' I shouted again, but nothing but a hoarse croak came out. I slowly slid to the floor. My fists sliding down the smooth wood, and landing on my knees.
'Do it!'
'Ok! Ok!'
I turned to my back, all my energy gone in my horror. I heard more desperate yells from the doctors and brought my knees to my chest, and cried.
I cried hard, and I didn't hide my face.
I didn't care who saw, or what they'd think, or what they'd say. I didn't care about my reputation, anything.
My closest friend had been poisoned.
My closest friend wasn't breathing.
My closest friend was..
dying.
'Sirius!' Peter.
'Padfoot!' James.
I opened my eyes, and tried to see through my torrent of tears. It was no use. I felt James in front of me, and Peter to my left.
'Sirius, wh-where is he?'
'What happened?' James reached out and wiped my eyes with the sleeve of his robe. I looked up and met his eyes teary behind his glasses.
'H-he-' But I couldn't say it. I fell forward into James, and tears again soaked my face.
'Peter, Peter help me lift him.' I felt the two struggle to lift me, not daring to open my eyes, and then I felt them set me back down. I was on my side, my head in James' lap, my legs out across Peter's.
'Breathe Sirius,' I heard James say. He was trying to be calm, but his voice betrayed him. 'Breathe, Padfoot.' He began to rub my back.
I don't know how long we sat there, all of us, crying like babies. James never stopped rubbing my back, and Peter would occasionally break the silence with something the doctors had said.
The door slowly swung open.
I leapt to my feet, a mistake because I quickly fell back into Peter and James who helped me to steady myself.
'How is he?' I hissed hoarsely, ignoring my pained throat.
The doctor, nearly covered in blood, started. Apparently she'd thought we had gone.
'You! go up to bed. It's way past curfew!'
'No!' I shouted, surprised my throat hadn't started to bleed yet. 'Not until you tell me he's ok!'
She hesitated.
'Tell me he's ok!' I screamed and lunged for her. I felt James and Peter grab my arms, and hold me back as the doctor stared at me, aghast.
'He's-he's fine.' She said, but I could tell she was lying. 'Now, go to bed.'
'No!' I screamed, but the strain on my throat was too much, and I began to cough. I felt James and Peter pulling me away, and I shook my head.
'Padfoot! Padfoot I have an idea! Trust me, c'mon Padfoot..' James pleaded. I gave in and allowed them to drag me to the dorms.
At 2:18 AM, forty-seven minutes later, I was back in the hospital wing. I had James' invisibility cloak over me, and pulled my wand from my robes. I aimed at the door.
'Alohamora.' I whispered, and heard the lock click open. I pocketed my wand, and gripped the door knob.
I paused.
What would I see on the other side of this door? Would I be able to...
I looked nervously over my shoulder, and backed into the room. I closed the door slowly, and gave the cloak a small tug, waiting as it slowly fell over my outstretched arm.
I took a shaky deep breath, and turned around.
There he was.
Gods, he looked horrible.
His hair was matted to his head with sweat. He had deep circles under his eyes, his lips were blue, he looked dead. His breathing was deep, more like a wolf panting as his stomach rose and fell heavily. As I neared the head of the bed, his eyes fluttered open.
'M-moony..' I cracked.
'Padfoot..' His voice, racked with pain and terror, cracked too.
'Oh, Remus!' I cried hoarsely, and flung myself over him. 'I didn't want to leave! They had to drag me out!' I reached up and cupped his face in my left hand. My eyes suddenly grew wider then they had ever been before.
'Moony! Your skin is-is like ice!' I gasped. He closed his eyes, I could see the pain etched in his face, and a tear slid into my hand. I quickly threw the invisibility cloak over him, followed by my robe.
'D-don't,' He whimpered, meaning my robe, but I didn't listen, I took his left hand in both of mine.
Ice-cold.
'Wh-what did they do to you?' I asked quietly, touching my forehead to his and not really expecting an answer.
He opened his eyes and looked at me. I lifted my head, and cried out softly.
His gorgeous golden brown eyes were so scared, so full of pain, I almost had to ask him to close them.
He slowly wretched his hand free of mine, and pulled down the hospital robe to reveal a scar on the left side of his chest, right where his heart was, in the shape of a hole. I knotted my eyebrows in confusion, and looked from the hole to his face.
'Th-they said the silver had reached my heart..' He started, trying to keep his voice low, but it rose and cracked as he continued. 'Th-they said it was tearing me up in the inside.. it.. it still is... the-they said they couldn't let it reach my head, or.. or that'd be it..' He paused and began to gasp for breath in that panting way that made his stomach rise and fall heavily. I was still very confused, but I didn't dare ask him to continue.
'They-' He looked up at me, those big eyes filling with tears and causing mine to do the same. 'They-they had to stop the silver from g-going any further.. th-they had to stop my h.. my heart..' I cried out again and touched my forehead to his. 'I was so scared, Padfoot!' He cried out suddenly, breaking his calm and diving headfirst into sobs.
'It's ok.. it's ok..' I whispered, even though I was crying just as hard as he was. We stayed like this for awhile, crying into each other, I began to think he'd fallen asleep, until he started shivering again. I stood up and looked at him, terrified.
'I.. I guess I'm s-still cold..' He admitted. I looked around the room, but there was nothing in there to cover him with. I turned to look at him. He'd closed his eyes, and I could tell he was still in immense pain. Unspeakable pain.
'M-moony?'
His eyes opened with much effort. I lowered the railing on the bed, and paused.
Was I really going to-
I looked over at Remus. There was a faint smile mixed in with the pain on his face.
I nodded and pulled myself into the bed next to him, replaced the railing, and turned, laying now on my right side.
He immediately curled up against my chest like a frightened puppy. His head came to rest just below my chin, his forehead against my neck. He shivered for a moment, then was still.
I gently rested my left arm over him, my hand with splayed fingers on his back. I laid there for hours, not asleep, yet, not awake. I began to memorize his slow, irregular heartbeat, and deep, panting breaths. I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes to drink in his smell; dirt, and freshly cut grass, mixed with some coconut that I guessed to be his shampoo, cinnamon, and, blood.
I kissed his hair, and again, and again, thinking of how close I'd come to loosing him just now. I vowed then and there that no matter what it took, money, pain, sacrifice, I would find a way to cure him.
The rest of our time at school consisted of only one more night like that.
We were sixth years, and Remus got sick, very, very sick. It was worse then normal, and while out on a date, he transformed two days prematurely, and nearly killed the young woman. He gave her a scare, then vanished. The headmaster had a talk with her while James, Peter and I tried to find him. It was four in the morning before they finally convinced me to go to bed, empty handed, and promised to search tomorrow until we'd found him.
I found him curled up in my bed.
He was beside himself with the guilt of what he'd almost done, he was like a zombie.
I finally convinced him to get out of his soiled, clothes, and come to bed. He slept across my chest that night, moaning and crying out with his nightmares. I didn't sleep, not that he kept me awake, but it hurt me more then he'll ever know to hear him, and not be able to do a damned thing for him.
It was a few years after that as well, before we slept in the same bed again.
We were all over at James and Lily's house, they weren't yet engaged, but had been going out since they were fourteen. Remus was turning eighteen, we were all there celebrating. He had just finished opening his presents, and we were all just a little tipsy.
'Thanks you guys,' he said with a bright smile.
'Betcha those were a lot better than the one you got this morning!' Yelped Peter, thoroughly drunk. I turned to look at Remus, he hadn't told me about any other gift.
He smiled as he blushed, smiled in that way that let you know he was almost angry, but not really.
'What other gift?' Lily asked innocently.
'A letter from the Registration of Magical Creatures Department.' He said it with a smile, but you could hear how hard it was for him to say it. 'They said I've got an appointment at 3.'
'Good!' Said James with a laugh. 'We'll be there.' Remus looked about ready to cry as we all agreed to meet him on the front steps at 2:45.
I invited him to spend the night at my place, hating that shack he called a home, but he declined, saying he had some thinking to do, and wouldn't even call for a cab.
The next day we met up at 2:45, like we planned, and yet despite his jokes, his calm appearance and lively smiles, we all knew he was scared and upset. And so were we. Knowing no other werewolves, we had no idea what to expect. We entered the building and were told to wait in the large waiting room. We made petty conversation, and told the same stupid jokes over and over again until 3:15.
'Remus J. Lupin?' He gave a jolt and looked up, raising his hand shakily. The man, looking harsh and professional in his tight black suit, waved us in. Remus stood, his nerves showing as he shook. I reached up and gave his shoulder a squeeze as we followed the suited man.
'You, go straight ahead, you, this way.' He pointed down the aisles and gave Remus a look that boiled my blood. He then pointed to an aisle for us, and stormed up the aisle to join the others.
'Remus J. Lupin,' said a nasty looking man at the head of the room. Remus stood below his desk, at the end of a set of stairs. I saw him fiddling with his hands, his only apparent nervous habit. I couldn't stand the way the whole group of suited men looked at him. They looked at him as if he'd slaughtered villages, as if he was shit. I gritted my teeth and leaned forward, gripping the back of the aisle in front of me so hard my knuckles turned white.
'Given your... Special circumstances...' the judge looked down his long crooked nose at Remus. 'You will have certain restrictions.' Remus held his head high, and gave a slow nod. I watched in awe knowing I never would have been able to stand for this. 'You will only be permitted to Apparate, if you pass the test, that is, during the second week of the month, from 8 AM, to 7 PM.' James and I looked at each other with open mouths. 'You are not permitted to carry a wand during the week before, and the week after the full moon.'
'Wha-' Peter started, but was silenced by a look from James.
'If there is anyone out there... daring enough to agree to marry you,' The judge said with a sneer that almost made me leap out of my seat. 'The marriage must be approved by the ministry. Should the crazy idea of... children... cross your mind,' the judge coughed and the man who'd lead them in rolled his eyes. I looked over at James.
'They're treating him like shit!'
'I know!'
'There's got to be something we can do..' Lily whispered concern in her voice.
'That too, must be approved by the ministry. Furthermore-'
'Hang on a bloody second!' I yelled, my temper getting the better of me. The whole congregation of suited bastards turned to face me. Remus looked at me with pleading eyes.
'No,' he mouthed. 'Let it go..' I looked at him hard, and slowly took my seat.
'Furthermore, if anyone should dare take on the challenge of hiring a beast as wild as yourself, that also, must be approved by the ministry.' The judge took a breath and continued glaring. 'This having been said, the Registration of Magical Creatures holds the right to revoke your Magical Licensee at any time.. Come up and receive your ID bar.' I would have been fine, if this ID bar was simply a piece of plastic labeling my closest friend as a werewolf, but when I saw that this ID bar was to be burnt into his skin as a marking of terrible things he would never do, I jumped from my seat.
'Now wait a damned minute!' I shouted, leaping over the seats as Remus approached the judge and rolled up the sleeve of his left arm. I grabbed his hand and pulled him back. 'I refuse to let you-'
'Sirius please-'
'Get that thing anywhere near his arm!' I shouted and shoved Remus behind me.
'Please, Sirus,' He whispered, touching me on the shoulders.
'Excuse me sir! But I am the judge here! I am the head of the Registration of Magical Creatures and if you do not back down, I will have you in Azkaban quicker than you can say Quidditch!' The whole room was silent. Remus walked up beside me, and turned me to face him.
'Padfoot, go sit down..'
'Moony-'
'Please, Padfoot..' He whispered, looking away, then up at me. He flashed me his golden brown eyes, and I knew that I didn't stand a chance in an argument. I turned, glared up at the judge, spat, and stormed back to the others, refusing to take my seat, I instead stood by the first aisle.
Remus looked back at me with those big eyes and dropped his gaze as he again held out his arm to the judge.
The ugly vulture of a man lifted a metal rod, on the end of which was a small number, and a series of symbols. The end was red hot. I saw Remus ball his right hand into a fist, and turned his head to look away as the judge lowered the metal brand to his arm.
I saw him tense through his robes, and his fist balled tighter. He bit his lip, and looked back at the judge as he pulled the metal away from his skin.
'Take this, and go.' He growled, handing Remus his license. 'If I were you, I would keep that with me at all times, Mr. Lupin.' He called after him as Remus turned.
'Moony-' I started for Remus, putting my hand on his shoulder. He looked up at me, and shrugged of my hand harshly.
But it wasn't his shrug that caused me to grab for the aisle for support, it was the look in his face.
Betrayal.
I'd hurt him.
I watched as the rest of the group tried to stop him, but he broke into a run. James walked up to me.
'Si-sirius...' He put a hand on my shoulder. I looked at him, and he nodded. I reached up, grabbed his hand, gave it a squeeze, then tore out of the room after him.
I caught a glimpse of his robes as he turned and left the building.
'Remus!' I shouted and tore after him. I pushed into the glass doors and saw him, his robes flaring up behind him as he ran down the stairs. 'Remus, please!' I shouted and leapt three stairs at a time as he stumbled and fell to his knees.
'Moony!' I fell to his side and put my hands on his shoulders. He tried to shake me off, but I wouldn't have it. 'Remus I'm sorry!' I shouted. I tried to get him to look at me, but he kept turning his head. 'Remus, Remus please!' He pulled from me again, and then looked up at me. He was crying.
'Sirius.. S-sirius...' I looked down, and he was holding his arm. I moved to sit in front of him, and slowly drew my hand down his arm, and pried his hand away from the burn. He looked away as I rolled up his sleeve, and looked at the ID.
I couldn't make any of it out, but it pissed me off just to see it there. I turned my head to find him staring at me.
'Th-that's it, Sirius...' He whispered, sounding for the first time since I'd known him like he was... defeated. 'That's.. that's it...' I quickly pulled him to me, and refused to let him go.
'No! No it's not! It's not I promise!' I cried and pushed him away to look him in the eyes. 'Promise me Remus, promise me that no matter what happens, no matter what anyone says about you, you are not a monster, Remus, don't you ever think it. You are the most noble, the most non- selfish, the most pure-hearted man I have ever, and will ever meet!' He looked at me for a long time in silence, I wasn't sure what he was going to do, I was terrified of what he might do.
'I.. I promise..' He whispered, and then tried to hide his face as the tears he'd been holding during the whole 'registration' poured out. I stood up, and helped him stand next to me. I looked over at the top of the stairs. James, Lily and Peter had just walked out. James nodded to me, and I nodded back.
'C'mon, you're coming home with me... you need a good night's sleep.' I whispered softly, and took Remus back to my place.
It was more then just a slumber party that night. He was so tired, so, exhausted, and I couldn't help it. He flopped down into my bed on his back, and just laid there. I watched him for an hour, pretending to read, but he just laid there, staring up at the ceiling.
'R-remus?' I said after a while and stood, kneeling by the bed. He slowly turned to look at me, and again, his eyes nearly caused me to cry out. He... the fire, the spirit that I had grown to love was gone. He was... gone. I leapt into the bed and pulled him to me, holding his head against mine, and let my tears come. I felt him go tense, surprised at first, then he relaxed and I felt him crying too. He wrapped his arms around me as well, and we sat, embracing for another hour or so.
When I finally brought myself to let go, I slowly pushed him back. He never tore his eyes from me as he rested back on the pillow.
I traced his lips with a finger, and watched as his eyes rolled into the back of his head. He tried to turn his head, tried to catch my finger in his mouth, but I cupped his face in my hand instead.
'Remus..' He opened his eyes slowly and looked up at me. 'Remus I-' He lifted his hand and put a finger to my mouth.
'No, Sirius... just.. please, no.' He whispered, his voice cracking. 'Just, come lay down..' He croaked. I looked at him, not sure how to take this. I slowly nodded and came to rest on his chest for a change. I felt his arms over me slowly, and nuzzled my head against his chest. He let out a soft cry and held me to him so tight it was uncomfortable, but I didn't dare say anything.
I don't remember when it was that I lifted my head to find him sleeping like a baby. All I remember is sitting up, watching his troubled eyes dance below his closed eyelids. I lowered myself and brushed my lips against his, feeling the soft texture of his lips. I hadn't meant to wake him, but as I lifted my head slowly, he licked his lips and my gaze dashed to his.
'R-remus I-' He again silenced me with a finger. He rolled me over, and rested his head against my chest. He pulled me into a tight embrace, and started to cry again. I looked down at him, confused. I began to smooth his hair down, and wrapped my arms over him, shushing him until we both finally fell asleep.
That was the last time we saw each other, before... before Voldemort.
Harry, to answer your first question, I really don't know what I wanted. I had my ideas, and thoughts, and it would have helped Remus, I think, if I would have explained it to him. Unfortunately, I never said anything about it.
Now though, now I know exactly what I'd tell him. I'd tell him that I'm most complete when I'm with him. I'd tell him that he scares away all memories of that damned prison. I'd tell him that it feels like I never went to Azkaban when I'm with him.
But, unfortunately for me, Harry, Remus, like you, died, while saving the world from Voldemort four years ago.
With all the love in the world,
Sirius Black
Happy 20th birthday. You're not to old for that, are you? Happy birthday, I mean. I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, I had some trouble with Buckbeak.
Your last few letters, Harry, you've been rather conflicted. Yes, I may be jumping to conclusions, but I do tend to read between the lines, Potter. You've also asked for my advice, flat out, I'm not just assuming this. Unfortunately, I.. I can't give you a straight forward answer.
I can give you bits and pieces of what lead me to discover.. my answer to the same problem you're now facing, Harry.
So, please bare with me as I try and put to words those few moments, both good and bad, that helped me to come to peace with myself, and I hope they'll help you as well.
Wednesday, October 13th, the year escapes my mind. It's my fourth year at Hogwarts, our fourth year at Hogwarts, me, Peter, Remus and, your father, James. Two years ago we'd finally persuaded Remus to tell us what was wrong, and vowed to help him in whatever way we could. Looking back at it now, it's highly amusing. Headmaster Dumbledore thought we couldn't get worse, boy was he in for a surprise.
Anyway, I've gotten myself off track.
It was 6pm, the whole bunch of us were in Potions, along with the Slytherins. We seemed to always get stuck with the Slytherins. Normally, Potions was ok, normally nobody fretted about it. Why would we fret about Potions? Think about it Harry, some of the most common ingredients are dragon's blood, some sort of liver, and silver. Silver is lethal to werewolves, as I'm sure you know. Well, normally we didn't fret about Potions, because all of the teachers at Hogwarts were aware of Remus' little 'problem', of course, today of all days, we had a substitute.
'Good evening, class.' He said as he walked to the front of the room. He was incredibly tall, and it wasn't long before Peter was cracking jokes about how he was able to fit through the doorway. He had long, brownish hair, and if my memory serves me right, he looked like a half-starved owl.
'You,' he said as he pointed to Remus next to me. 'Would you please carry this tray to the back? I've hurt my shoulder and can't lift it.' Remus, the gentleman that he was, obliged without so much as a sigh. He picked up the tray and started to the back of the room as the teacher continued. 'Today we will be making a simple potion that will keep meat fresh for years until it's washed in the antidote. Consisting of only four ingredients, dragon's scales, salmon liver, gillyweed and pure, powdered silver this-' My heart caught in my throat, and a crash told us Remus had heard as well and dropped the tray.
'What was that about, Mr. Lupin?' the substitute asked, checking his chart to find out Remus' name.
'I uh..um..' Remus stuttered, shaking a little.
'Remus is really allergic to silver, sir!' James barked, sounding like a Muggle soldier. The teacher looked over at us, and we nodded furiously. He raised an eyebrow.
'Well, seeing as how I did not receive a notice, I will not exempt Mr. Lupin from the assignment. So he will just have to chose a partner who is not allergic to silver.' My hand went up immediately, and the substitute gave me an off-handed wave before continuing. 'You will gather the things you need-'
'Sirius,' I turned my head a little as Remus took his seat next to me, and whispered my name. 'Sirius, I can't do this. I-I can't go anywhere near that stuff!'
'Yes you can. I'll handle the silver. You'll be-'
'Mr. Black, perhaps it isn't such a good idea for Mr. Lupin to be working with you. Maybe I should-'
'No! No, I'm done, sorry..' I lowered my gaze as a few of the Slytherins snickered.
'Good.' He said with a glare at the two of us. 'Go.' He made his way behind the desk as the class scattered.
We quickly gathered our supplies, Remus shaking the entire time. Once we got to our cauldron, I put a hand on his arm. He looked up at me, and his big golden brown eyes were so scared that it was all I could do to not walk up and slap that inconsiderate prick of a professor.
'You'll be fine, Moony.' I whispered. He gave a faint smile and a small nod that told me he wasn't ok, but that he wasn't going to whine about it anymore.
We were doing fine until the very end. Remus insisted on preparing the other three ingredients, since he couldn't touch the fourth. I tried to tell him it wasn't necessary, that he could take two, and that I could take two, but apparently the silver affected his hearing as well.
7 o'clock rolled around, we had thirty minutes, and two ingredients to go; the silver and the dragon scales. Remus and I were doing well, he was feeling much more confident, having not had the slightest bit of contact with the silver, and I, myself, was feeling cocky. I had been a little apprehensive at first, not really sure if I could protect Remus, but now, now I was sure I could protect all of my friends, from anything.
But.. but those damned bloody Slytherins!
To this day I don't know who it was, or why they did it, but as Remus was about to add the dragon scales to our concoction, a shout rang out:
'Professor! I spilled my silver!'
Remus stumbled over his own shock, and fell. The dragon scales, which are supposed to be handled in the utmost care because their edges could cut through just about anything, fell to the floor, where Remus landed atop them. Luckily only his left arm caught the edges. He let out a small yelp, and I was next to him in seconds. I rolled up his sleeve as he sat up, despite his blushing protests that he was fine, and looked at his arm.
Four short, but deep lashes.
But, that wasn't all the Slytherins had planned.
'Mr. Black, would you please escort Mr. Lupin to the hospital wing?' But I didn't need the professor's permission, I was already nearly dragging Remus out.
We passed the last Slytherin cauldron, and were nearly home free, but I heard a clatter of a beaker hitting the floor, and a gasp from the class. I tightened my grip on Remus' hand, determined that if I pretended not to hear it, pretended it didn't concern Remus, that it wouldn't, but I felt Remus tense and stumble forward with a cry of alarm and pain, and I knew, I knew what had happened.
I turned in slow-motion to face the class. I wasn't surprised in the least to see the faces of the Gryffindors all covered in horror and panic, but I was taken aback by the good amount of Slytherins who looked scared as well. I turned to look at James and Peter.
'R-Remus..' James mouthed, and I did what I'd been dreading, I looked at Remus.
He looked as if he was standing in front of a Dementor who'd just lowered his hood. He tried to say something, I'm guessing my name, he licked his lips, a small grunt ebbed up, and he fell into my chest in a violent shaking fit. I gasped and wrapped my arms around him, about to pick him up when I saw his arm and my fears were confirmed.
The beaker of silver had hit his torn and bloody arm.
The severity of the situation suddenly slapped me in the face.
Remus had silver in his blood stream.
I quickly picked him up and ran as fast as my legs could carry me down the hall. I carried him with much difficulty, as he couldn't stop shaking, one hand under his knees, the other on his back. He continued shaking as I made it up the first set of stairs, and I groaned as I nearly dropped him. He must have realized this, for he groaned and tensed, trying to stop his shaking. Even in pain that would have sent a grown man to writhe on the floor, Remus was trying to help, me.
As I finished the second set of stairs, Remus curled up against my chest, balling his hand into a fist, and holding my robes. A small cry of agony managed to pass Remus' tightly pressed lips. Again I was amazed at his nobility, surely mere inches from death, and he was trying to keep himself quiet, so that he didn't disturb any of the classes.
He began shaking again and moaned against me. I could feel a wetness on my shirt, tears, and blood I was sure.
'D-don't hold it in, Moony.. th-that can't be a good idea..' I whispered in a highly emotional voice. He shook his head against my shirt and despite my tight hold on him, arched his back in pain.
'P-p..' He tried again to say something.
'Shut up!' I shouted in fear and desperation, sounding much, much harsher then I had intended. 'P-please just-just save your strength..' I turned into the last hall.
I felt Remus lurch, and I knew that he couldn't hold it in any longer, I knew that the pain had taken over. As I slammed my shoulder into the door and nearly fell into Madam Pomphrey, Remus let out a loud, pain filled howl that made my heart stop.
'Wh-what happened?!' Madam Pomphrey asked as she quickly opened a door to a private room.
'P-potions class..... Remus... allergic to .. to silver... his ... left arm...' I managed to get out as my muscles gave up and Remus hit the bed much, much harder then I would have wished. I leaned over the bed and pressed my forehead to his as four more doctors came in. I put one hand on his chest, trying desperately to stop him from arching as tears came to my eyes, and used the other to smooth hair from his face. I tried not to listen to the doctors, I didn't want to hear what they were saying, I was scared to hear it, scared to hear that my fears were now reality. I looked down at his face, his eyes were screwed shut in pain, and his mouth was open in a silent scream.
I don't remember when I started exactly, but I do remember telling Remus over and over again that it would be ok, that I wouldn't let him out of my sight.
'-im out.' I heard one of the doctors say. I knew what was coming, and I took my hand, reluctantly from Remus' hair, and gripped the railing. They were going to have to drag me out! Two of the doctors grabbed my shoulders, gently at first, but they tightened their grip as I refused to move.
'C'mon now, Sirius.' They said in calm, pleading voices, but I wouldn't budge, I could hear the panic in their voices. I knew I had tears pouring down my face like Remus, but I didn't care.
'No!' I was suddenly overcome with panic; they were taking him away from me! I began to thrash wildly, and felt myself being lifted off my feet. 'No! No!' I screamed so loud and so forcefully that I went hoarse in seconds.
I heard the door open.
'No! No!'
I looked over my shoulder. Remus, shaking so hard that the bed was moving, eyes clouded over and a constant stream of blood from his mouth and nose, had managed to sit himself up. I wanted to just roll over and die as Remus' cries changed from howls of agony, to:
'Sirius! Sirius!'
The doctors quickly set me down, turned and closed the door. I turned, pressing myself to the door and began slamming my fists so hard into the wood that they became raw and bloody, answering Remus' terrified pleas with my own empty promises of being 'right there'.
He cried out in pain, and a thump shook the door.
'Remus!' I screamed. What were they doing to him!? I had to get in! I had to-
I stopped pounding.
Remus had fallen silent.
I pressed myself closer to the door. Remus had indeed stopped yelling, but the doctors were shouting to each other in low, terrified voices.
'He's not breathing...'
'Do it! Do it!'
'No! It's to risky we-'
'Remus!' I shouted again, but nothing but a hoarse croak came out. I slowly slid to the floor. My fists sliding down the smooth wood, and landing on my knees.
'Do it!'
'Ok! Ok!'
I turned to my back, all my energy gone in my horror. I heard more desperate yells from the doctors and brought my knees to my chest, and cried.
I cried hard, and I didn't hide my face.
I didn't care who saw, or what they'd think, or what they'd say. I didn't care about my reputation, anything.
My closest friend had been poisoned.
My closest friend wasn't breathing.
My closest friend was..
dying.
'Sirius!' Peter.
'Padfoot!' James.
I opened my eyes, and tried to see through my torrent of tears. It was no use. I felt James in front of me, and Peter to my left.
'Sirius, wh-where is he?'
'What happened?' James reached out and wiped my eyes with the sleeve of his robe. I looked up and met his eyes teary behind his glasses.
'H-he-' But I couldn't say it. I fell forward into James, and tears again soaked my face.
'Peter, Peter help me lift him.' I felt the two struggle to lift me, not daring to open my eyes, and then I felt them set me back down. I was on my side, my head in James' lap, my legs out across Peter's.
'Breathe Sirius,' I heard James say. He was trying to be calm, but his voice betrayed him. 'Breathe, Padfoot.' He began to rub my back.
I don't know how long we sat there, all of us, crying like babies. James never stopped rubbing my back, and Peter would occasionally break the silence with something the doctors had said.
The door slowly swung open.
I leapt to my feet, a mistake because I quickly fell back into Peter and James who helped me to steady myself.
'How is he?' I hissed hoarsely, ignoring my pained throat.
The doctor, nearly covered in blood, started. Apparently she'd thought we had gone.
'You! go up to bed. It's way past curfew!'
'No!' I shouted, surprised my throat hadn't started to bleed yet. 'Not until you tell me he's ok!'
She hesitated.
'Tell me he's ok!' I screamed and lunged for her. I felt James and Peter grab my arms, and hold me back as the doctor stared at me, aghast.
'He's-he's fine.' She said, but I could tell she was lying. 'Now, go to bed.'
'No!' I screamed, but the strain on my throat was too much, and I began to cough. I felt James and Peter pulling me away, and I shook my head.
'Padfoot! Padfoot I have an idea! Trust me, c'mon Padfoot..' James pleaded. I gave in and allowed them to drag me to the dorms.
At 2:18 AM, forty-seven minutes later, I was back in the hospital wing. I had James' invisibility cloak over me, and pulled my wand from my robes. I aimed at the door.
'Alohamora.' I whispered, and heard the lock click open. I pocketed my wand, and gripped the door knob.
I paused.
What would I see on the other side of this door? Would I be able to...
I looked nervously over my shoulder, and backed into the room. I closed the door slowly, and gave the cloak a small tug, waiting as it slowly fell over my outstretched arm.
I took a shaky deep breath, and turned around.
There he was.
Gods, he looked horrible.
His hair was matted to his head with sweat. He had deep circles under his eyes, his lips were blue, he looked dead. His breathing was deep, more like a wolf panting as his stomach rose and fell heavily. As I neared the head of the bed, his eyes fluttered open.
'M-moony..' I cracked.
'Padfoot..' His voice, racked with pain and terror, cracked too.
'Oh, Remus!' I cried hoarsely, and flung myself over him. 'I didn't want to leave! They had to drag me out!' I reached up and cupped his face in my left hand. My eyes suddenly grew wider then they had ever been before.
'Moony! Your skin is-is like ice!' I gasped. He closed his eyes, I could see the pain etched in his face, and a tear slid into my hand. I quickly threw the invisibility cloak over him, followed by my robe.
'D-don't,' He whimpered, meaning my robe, but I didn't listen, I took his left hand in both of mine.
Ice-cold.
'Wh-what did they do to you?' I asked quietly, touching my forehead to his and not really expecting an answer.
He opened his eyes and looked at me. I lifted my head, and cried out softly.
His gorgeous golden brown eyes were so scared, so full of pain, I almost had to ask him to close them.
He slowly wretched his hand free of mine, and pulled down the hospital robe to reveal a scar on the left side of his chest, right where his heart was, in the shape of a hole. I knotted my eyebrows in confusion, and looked from the hole to his face.
'Th-they said the silver had reached my heart..' He started, trying to keep his voice low, but it rose and cracked as he continued. 'Th-they said it was tearing me up in the inside.. it.. it still is... the-they said they couldn't let it reach my head, or.. or that'd be it..' He paused and began to gasp for breath in that panting way that made his stomach rise and fall heavily. I was still very confused, but I didn't dare ask him to continue.
'They-' He looked up at me, those big eyes filling with tears and causing mine to do the same. 'They-they had to stop the silver from g-going any further.. th-they had to stop my h.. my heart..' I cried out again and touched my forehead to his. 'I was so scared, Padfoot!' He cried out suddenly, breaking his calm and diving headfirst into sobs.
'It's ok.. it's ok..' I whispered, even though I was crying just as hard as he was. We stayed like this for awhile, crying into each other, I began to think he'd fallen asleep, until he started shivering again. I stood up and looked at him, terrified.
'I.. I guess I'm s-still cold..' He admitted. I looked around the room, but there was nothing in there to cover him with. I turned to look at him. He'd closed his eyes, and I could tell he was still in immense pain. Unspeakable pain.
'M-moony?'
His eyes opened with much effort. I lowered the railing on the bed, and paused.
Was I really going to-
I looked over at Remus. There was a faint smile mixed in with the pain on his face.
I nodded and pulled myself into the bed next to him, replaced the railing, and turned, laying now on my right side.
He immediately curled up against my chest like a frightened puppy. His head came to rest just below my chin, his forehead against my neck. He shivered for a moment, then was still.
I gently rested my left arm over him, my hand with splayed fingers on his back. I laid there for hours, not asleep, yet, not awake. I began to memorize his slow, irregular heartbeat, and deep, panting breaths. I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes to drink in his smell; dirt, and freshly cut grass, mixed with some coconut that I guessed to be his shampoo, cinnamon, and, blood.
I kissed his hair, and again, and again, thinking of how close I'd come to loosing him just now. I vowed then and there that no matter what it took, money, pain, sacrifice, I would find a way to cure him.
The rest of our time at school consisted of only one more night like that.
We were sixth years, and Remus got sick, very, very sick. It was worse then normal, and while out on a date, he transformed two days prematurely, and nearly killed the young woman. He gave her a scare, then vanished. The headmaster had a talk with her while James, Peter and I tried to find him. It was four in the morning before they finally convinced me to go to bed, empty handed, and promised to search tomorrow until we'd found him.
I found him curled up in my bed.
He was beside himself with the guilt of what he'd almost done, he was like a zombie.
I finally convinced him to get out of his soiled, clothes, and come to bed. He slept across my chest that night, moaning and crying out with his nightmares. I didn't sleep, not that he kept me awake, but it hurt me more then he'll ever know to hear him, and not be able to do a damned thing for him.
It was a few years after that as well, before we slept in the same bed again.
We were all over at James and Lily's house, they weren't yet engaged, but had been going out since they were fourteen. Remus was turning eighteen, we were all there celebrating. He had just finished opening his presents, and we were all just a little tipsy.
'Thanks you guys,' he said with a bright smile.
'Betcha those were a lot better than the one you got this morning!' Yelped Peter, thoroughly drunk. I turned to look at Remus, he hadn't told me about any other gift.
He smiled as he blushed, smiled in that way that let you know he was almost angry, but not really.
'What other gift?' Lily asked innocently.
'A letter from the Registration of Magical Creatures Department.' He said it with a smile, but you could hear how hard it was for him to say it. 'They said I've got an appointment at 3.'
'Good!' Said James with a laugh. 'We'll be there.' Remus looked about ready to cry as we all agreed to meet him on the front steps at 2:45.
I invited him to spend the night at my place, hating that shack he called a home, but he declined, saying he had some thinking to do, and wouldn't even call for a cab.
The next day we met up at 2:45, like we planned, and yet despite his jokes, his calm appearance and lively smiles, we all knew he was scared and upset. And so were we. Knowing no other werewolves, we had no idea what to expect. We entered the building and were told to wait in the large waiting room. We made petty conversation, and told the same stupid jokes over and over again until 3:15.
'Remus J. Lupin?' He gave a jolt and looked up, raising his hand shakily. The man, looking harsh and professional in his tight black suit, waved us in. Remus stood, his nerves showing as he shook. I reached up and gave his shoulder a squeeze as we followed the suited man.
'You, go straight ahead, you, this way.' He pointed down the aisles and gave Remus a look that boiled my blood. He then pointed to an aisle for us, and stormed up the aisle to join the others.
'Remus J. Lupin,' said a nasty looking man at the head of the room. Remus stood below his desk, at the end of a set of stairs. I saw him fiddling with his hands, his only apparent nervous habit. I couldn't stand the way the whole group of suited men looked at him. They looked at him as if he'd slaughtered villages, as if he was shit. I gritted my teeth and leaned forward, gripping the back of the aisle in front of me so hard my knuckles turned white.
'Given your... Special circumstances...' the judge looked down his long crooked nose at Remus. 'You will have certain restrictions.' Remus held his head high, and gave a slow nod. I watched in awe knowing I never would have been able to stand for this. 'You will only be permitted to Apparate, if you pass the test, that is, during the second week of the month, from 8 AM, to 7 PM.' James and I looked at each other with open mouths. 'You are not permitted to carry a wand during the week before, and the week after the full moon.'
'Wha-' Peter started, but was silenced by a look from James.
'If there is anyone out there... daring enough to agree to marry you,' The judge said with a sneer that almost made me leap out of my seat. 'The marriage must be approved by the ministry. Should the crazy idea of... children... cross your mind,' the judge coughed and the man who'd lead them in rolled his eyes. I looked over at James.
'They're treating him like shit!'
'I know!'
'There's got to be something we can do..' Lily whispered concern in her voice.
'That too, must be approved by the ministry. Furthermore-'
'Hang on a bloody second!' I yelled, my temper getting the better of me. The whole congregation of suited bastards turned to face me. Remus looked at me with pleading eyes.
'No,' he mouthed. 'Let it go..' I looked at him hard, and slowly took my seat.
'Furthermore, if anyone should dare take on the challenge of hiring a beast as wild as yourself, that also, must be approved by the ministry.' The judge took a breath and continued glaring. 'This having been said, the Registration of Magical Creatures holds the right to revoke your Magical Licensee at any time.. Come up and receive your ID bar.' I would have been fine, if this ID bar was simply a piece of plastic labeling my closest friend as a werewolf, but when I saw that this ID bar was to be burnt into his skin as a marking of terrible things he would never do, I jumped from my seat.
'Now wait a damned minute!' I shouted, leaping over the seats as Remus approached the judge and rolled up the sleeve of his left arm. I grabbed his hand and pulled him back. 'I refuse to let you-'
'Sirius please-'
'Get that thing anywhere near his arm!' I shouted and shoved Remus behind me.
'Please, Sirus,' He whispered, touching me on the shoulders.
'Excuse me sir! But I am the judge here! I am the head of the Registration of Magical Creatures and if you do not back down, I will have you in Azkaban quicker than you can say Quidditch!' The whole room was silent. Remus walked up beside me, and turned me to face him.
'Padfoot, go sit down..'
'Moony-'
'Please, Padfoot..' He whispered, looking away, then up at me. He flashed me his golden brown eyes, and I knew that I didn't stand a chance in an argument. I turned, glared up at the judge, spat, and stormed back to the others, refusing to take my seat, I instead stood by the first aisle.
Remus looked back at me with those big eyes and dropped his gaze as he again held out his arm to the judge.
The ugly vulture of a man lifted a metal rod, on the end of which was a small number, and a series of symbols. The end was red hot. I saw Remus ball his right hand into a fist, and turned his head to look away as the judge lowered the metal brand to his arm.
I saw him tense through his robes, and his fist balled tighter. He bit his lip, and looked back at the judge as he pulled the metal away from his skin.
'Take this, and go.' He growled, handing Remus his license. 'If I were you, I would keep that with me at all times, Mr. Lupin.' He called after him as Remus turned.
'Moony-' I started for Remus, putting my hand on his shoulder. He looked up at me, and shrugged of my hand harshly.
But it wasn't his shrug that caused me to grab for the aisle for support, it was the look in his face.
Betrayal.
I'd hurt him.
I watched as the rest of the group tried to stop him, but he broke into a run. James walked up to me.
'Si-sirius...' He put a hand on my shoulder. I looked at him, and he nodded. I reached up, grabbed his hand, gave it a squeeze, then tore out of the room after him.
I caught a glimpse of his robes as he turned and left the building.
'Remus!' I shouted and tore after him. I pushed into the glass doors and saw him, his robes flaring up behind him as he ran down the stairs. 'Remus, please!' I shouted and leapt three stairs at a time as he stumbled and fell to his knees.
'Moony!' I fell to his side and put my hands on his shoulders. He tried to shake me off, but I wouldn't have it. 'Remus I'm sorry!' I shouted. I tried to get him to look at me, but he kept turning his head. 'Remus, Remus please!' He pulled from me again, and then looked up at me. He was crying.
'Sirius.. S-sirius...' I looked down, and he was holding his arm. I moved to sit in front of him, and slowly drew my hand down his arm, and pried his hand away from the burn. He looked away as I rolled up his sleeve, and looked at the ID.
I couldn't make any of it out, but it pissed me off just to see it there. I turned my head to find him staring at me.
'Th-that's it, Sirius...' He whispered, sounding for the first time since I'd known him like he was... defeated. 'That's.. that's it...' I quickly pulled him to me, and refused to let him go.
'No! No it's not! It's not I promise!' I cried and pushed him away to look him in the eyes. 'Promise me Remus, promise me that no matter what happens, no matter what anyone says about you, you are not a monster, Remus, don't you ever think it. You are the most noble, the most non- selfish, the most pure-hearted man I have ever, and will ever meet!' He looked at me for a long time in silence, I wasn't sure what he was going to do, I was terrified of what he might do.
'I.. I promise..' He whispered, and then tried to hide his face as the tears he'd been holding during the whole 'registration' poured out. I stood up, and helped him stand next to me. I looked over at the top of the stairs. James, Lily and Peter had just walked out. James nodded to me, and I nodded back.
'C'mon, you're coming home with me... you need a good night's sleep.' I whispered softly, and took Remus back to my place.
It was more then just a slumber party that night. He was so tired, so, exhausted, and I couldn't help it. He flopped down into my bed on his back, and just laid there. I watched him for an hour, pretending to read, but he just laid there, staring up at the ceiling.
'R-remus?' I said after a while and stood, kneeling by the bed. He slowly turned to look at me, and again, his eyes nearly caused me to cry out. He... the fire, the spirit that I had grown to love was gone. He was... gone. I leapt into the bed and pulled him to me, holding his head against mine, and let my tears come. I felt him go tense, surprised at first, then he relaxed and I felt him crying too. He wrapped his arms around me as well, and we sat, embracing for another hour or so.
When I finally brought myself to let go, I slowly pushed him back. He never tore his eyes from me as he rested back on the pillow.
I traced his lips with a finger, and watched as his eyes rolled into the back of his head. He tried to turn his head, tried to catch my finger in his mouth, but I cupped his face in my hand instead.
'Remus..' He opened his eyes slowly and looked up at me. 'Remus I-' He lifted his hand and put a finger to my mouth.
'No, Sirius... just.. please, no.' He whispered, his voice cracking. 'Just, come lay down..' He croaked. I looked at him, not sure how to take this. I slowly nodded and came to rest on his chest for a change. I felt his arms over me slowly, and nuzzled my head against his chest. He let out a soft cry and held me to him so tight it was uncomfortable, but I didn't dare say anything.
I don't remember when it was that I lifted my head to find him sleeping like a baby. All I remember is sitting up, watching his troubled eyes dance below his closed eyelids. I lowered myself and brushed my lips against his, feeling the soft texture of his lips. I hadn't meant to wake him, but as I lifted my head slowly, he licked his lips and my gaze dashed to his.
'R-remus I-' He again silenced me with a finger. He rolled me over, and rested his head against my chest. He pulled me into a tight embrace, and started to cry again. I looked down at him, confused. I began to smooth his hair down, and wrapped my arms over him, shushing him until we both finally fell asleep.
That was the last time we saw each other, before... before Voldemort.
Harry, to answer your first question, I really don't know what I wanted. I had my ideas, and thoughts, and it would have helped Remus, I think, if I would have explained it to him. Unfortunately, I never said anything about it.
Now though, now I know exactly what I'd tell him. I'd tell him that I'm most complete when I'm with him. I'd tell him that he scares away all memories of that damned prison. I'd tell him that it feels like I never went to Azkaban when I'm with him.
But, unfortunately for me, Harry, Remus, like you, died, while saving the world from Voldemort four years ago.
With all the love in the world,
Sirius Black