Four Outlooks on a Rainy Night
By Chou
Chapter 2 – Hakkai
My, my…it is certainly raining hard tonight. I'm glad we got the tent set up before the rain really came down.
If we had waited any longer, I don't think I'd have been able to help. The rain is…unpleasant for me.
It's quiet in this tent. On one hand, it is a welcome respite from the usual noise our little group causes. On the other hand, something to distract me from the rain would be even more welcome, I think. But, the rain is affecting us all in some way, so there is silence. And so, I stare out the little screen window in the side of the tent, seemingly watching the rain. I listen to the rain battering the roof of the tent I share with my companions. I just sit there, listening to the staccato sound of rain on canvas and stare out into space. The rain brings back memories I'd rather not have brought up. So I listen, and try not to think, try not to let the memories come.
It doesn't work.
I see Kanan's face. She's smiling, and her smile takes my breath away. I miss her. It's been three years, and I still miss her.
It's odd. One would think the pain would fade slightly after three years. Instead, it's just changed, from a sharp, stabbing pain in my chest to a dull emptiness in my shriveled heart.
Sometimes, I want to cry at the unfairness of it. Sometimes I want to rage for the same reason.
Sometimes, on my worst nights, usually nights like these, I want to die. On better nights like these, I only wonder if I would have been better off dead.
After all, I'm a murderer. I killed half my village. I killed a thousand youkai, and their blood covered me. Changed me. The skin of a monster to match the soul of one.
I lost that which I held closer to my heart than all else. Sister. Lover. My soul.
For my crimes, wouldn't I be better off dead? Would the world really miss a mass murderer? I doubt it.
And yet…
There are times when I want to live.
I want to live because Goku needs me to feed him and fuss over him.
I want to live because Sanzo trusts me to live, and not betray him.
I want to live because I don't want Gojyo's efforts to be for nothing.
I want to live because I need to atone for my sins, not by death, but by living.
When I fell into the rain soaked mud, my intestines reaching the ground before I did, I expected to die. When the Crow Clan member caught up to me for revenge, I expected to die. When Sanzo took me to the Temple, I expected to die.
But when I fell, Gojyo lifted me and nursed back to health. When the Crow Clan member caught up with me, I saved myself. And when I was taken to the temple, I was given new life.
The criminal Cho Gonou was discarded. For all intents and purposes, he is dead. The man who walked out of that temple is named Cho Hakkai. I am that man.
It's odd…when I returned to Gojyo, his hair was cut so short I barely recognized him. Granted, his red hair was easy to recognize, but such a change was a bit of a surprise. Sanzo later told me he cut that hair when he thought I had died in that Temple. I was touched.
It was a beautiful day that day. As I think of it, a genuine smile comes across my face. It is not the somewhat empty smile I usually have on. A rare occurrence that I smile genuinely. And on a rainy night, it is unprecedented. Just goes to show how much I've changed since that rainy night three years ago. I suppose I can blame it on my companions. They're so unique, one can't help but me changed by them.
Sha Gojyo. Ladies' man. Gambler. Half breed. Friend. Savior. A man who pulled me from the brink of Hell and forced me to live in a proletarian Heaven.
Son Goku. Naïve. Innocent. Loyal. Trusting. Locked away in a cave, not seeing the sun for 500 years for a crime so horrible he can't remember it, and he still trusts easily.
Genjo Sanzo. Shrewd. Foul mannered. Ill tempered. Building walls around his heart so that nothing could ever hurt him again like his past.
An odd group to go on a mission for the gods.
But then, the gods let a blood soaked sinner have a second chance, so who am I to judge.
By Chou
Chapter 2 – Hakkai
My, my…it is certainly raining hard tonight. I'm glad we got the tent set up before the rain really came down.
If we had waited any longer, I don't think I'd have been able to help. The rain is…unpleasant for me.
It's quiet in this tent. On one hand, it is a welcome respite from the usual noise our little group causes. On the other hand, something to distract me from the rain would be even more welcome, I think. But, the rain is affecting us all in some way, so there is silence. And so, I stare out the little screen window in the side of the tent, seemingly watching the rain. I listen to the rain battering the roof of the tent I share with my companions. I just sit there, listening to the staccato sound of rain on canvas and stare out into space. The rain brings back memories I'd rather not have brought up. So I listen, and try not to think, try not to let the memories come.
It doesn't work.
I see Kanan's face. She's smiling, and her smile takes my breath away. I miss her. It's been three years, and I still miss her.
It's odd. One would think the pain would fade slightly after three years. Instead, it's just changed, from a sharp, stabbing pain in my chest to a dull emptiness in my shriveled heart.
Sometimes, I want to cry at the unfairness of it. Sometimes I want to rage for the same reason.
Sometimes, on my worst nights, usually nights like these, I want to die. On better nights like these, I only wonder if I would have been better off dead.
After all, I'm a murderer. I killed half my village. I killed a thousand youkai, and their blood covered me. Changed me. The skin of a monster to match the soul of one.
I lost that which I held closer to my heart than all else. Sister. Lover. My soul.
For my crimes, wouldn't I be better off dead? Would the world really miss a mass murderer? I doubt it.
And yet…
There are times when I want to live.
I want to live because Goku needs me to feed him and fuss over him.
I want to live because Sanzo trusts me to live, and not betray him.
I want to live because I don't want Gojyo's efforts to be for nothing.
I want to live because I need to atone for my sins, not by death, but by living.
When I fell into the rain soaked mud, my intestines reaching the ground before I did, I expected to die. When the Crow Clan member caught up to me for revenge, I expected to die. When Sanzo took me to the Temple, I expected to die.
But when I fell, Gojyo lifted me and nursed back to health. When the Crow Clan member caught up with me, I saved myself. And when I was taken to the temple, I was given new life.
The criminal Cho Gonou was discarded. For all intents and purposes, he is dead. The man who walked out of that temple is named Cho Hakkai. I am that man.
It's odd…when I returned to Gojyo, his hair was cut so short I barely recognized him. Granted, his red hair was easy to recognize, but such a change was a bit of a surprise. Sanzo later told me he cut that hair when he thought I had died in that Temple. I was touched.
It was a beautiful day that day. As I think of it, a genuine smile comes across my face. It is not the somewhat empty smile I usually have on. A rare occurrence that I smile genuinely. And on a rainy night, it is unprecedented. Just goes to show how much I've changed since that rainy night three years ago. I suppose I can blame it on my companions. They're so unique, one can't help but me changed by them.
Sha Gojyo. Ladies' man. Gambler. Half breed. Friend. Savior. A man who pulled me from the brink of Hell and forced me to live in a proletarian Heaven.
Son Goku. Naïve. Innocent. Loyal. Trusting. Locked away in a cave, not seeing the sun for 500 years for a crime so horrible he can't remember it, and he still trusts easily.
Genjo Sanzo. Shrewd. Foul mannered. Ill tempered. Building walls around his heart so that nothing could ever hurt him again like his past.
An odd group to go on a mission for the gods.
But then, the gods let a blood soaked sinner have a second chance, so who am I to judge.