56. Worship

Shadow felt a sense of trepidation as he and Sally made their way up a steep maze of steps leading to a quaint temple. He held her hand firmly and kept his gaze directed at the path ahead of him, unwilling to risk looking into her eyes and see the understanding sympathy swimming in their blue depths.

Religion was a weird concept for him to wrap his head around. He supposed he was more agnostic than anything. Did he believe in the existence of a divine being? With a world like theirs, it'd be harder not to believe something otherworldly and divine existed. But did that mean something to him personally, spiritually? He couldn't quite say.

He was aware that Sally believed in the existence of said divine being. Her faith in her belief kept her grounded and hopeful, and given that today was especially important in her particular faith, it was Easter Sunday, she wanted to go the temple and express her gratitude accordingly. She didn't ask him to come with her, privy to the conflictions he felt in regards to this sort of thing, but to both their surprise, he insisted he come along.

So, there he was, dressed in his Sunday best, so to speak, making his way to a sanctuary he was unsure held any personal meaning to him.

"You don't have to do this, you know. I won't be upset if you want to go back home." The soft, soothing voice of his beloved tickled his ears like the coolest breeze on a humid summer afternoon, and he finally mustered up the courage to look at her directly. Their steps slowed to a halt until they were just standing in place.

Her auburn hair glowed bright like a halo, and the skirt of her modest white dress fluttered about like angel wings. Staring at her, he couldn't help but liken her to an angel; after all, being with her helped save him in more ways than one, and honestly, her existence alone had to be some sort of proof that a higher being was real. People like her, with their hearts of gold and wells of kindness and love, were not of this world, he concluded. Her and Sonic and Amy and Cream were just a few of the people he crossed paths with that made him feel genuine hope, like there was a purpose to his existence, like he actually mattered.

"Your God wouldn't like that though." It was a testament to Sally's patience that she let his snarky statement slide off her like water on a duck's back. She merely inched closer to him until her lips were brushing against the apple of his cheek, her hand squeezing his reassuringly.

"God knows your heart, Shadow, and He of all people would understand your clear hesitation and distress. He wouldn't hold this of all things against you."

"And what about everything else? Would he turn a blind eye to all the atrocities I've committed since my conception? I'm pretty sure He isn't okay with murder, thievery, and just general mayhem, all of which I've partaken in gladly at one point. Why would He want a wretch like me to set foot in the sanctity of His sanctuary?"

And therein lied the real root of the issue: his perception of himself, the way he struggled to grasp that he could be forgiven despite his past transgressions. He could barely understand how his friends were able to stomach being around him knowing what he did, what he was capable of, let alone some cosmic being sending His only Son to die for billions of strangers, some of whom will never know Him or accept Him. How could anyone possibly be that loving, that selfless?

He wasn't aware he was trembling until soft hands were guiding him to sit down. And he did, feeling as if there was this impossibly heavy weight lodged in the center of his chest. He allowed Sally to pull him close to her, tucking his head beneath her chin, unabashed and unashamed to seek out her warmth and comfort. Her hands buried themselves in the knots of his back, delicately unraveling them until his muscles were lax once more. He focused on counting to ten repeatedly in his head, doing so until his unsteady breaths steadied themselves.

Shadow found himself grateful that they left earlier than everyone else, that it was just the two of them with no witnesses to such a vulnerable display. He wasn't sure what came over him, but it felt good to release it, especially with the woman he loved there to hold him steady and keep him safe from even himself.

"I think one of the coolest things about God is that He knows all of us at not only our best, but our worst as well. He sees the parts of us we don't share with even the ones closest to our hearts, parts of ourselves that we hide away from even ourselves, and He still loves us. He loves us not only when it's sunny, but when it's stormy as well, when we're assholes, when we act in ways that we'll regret or hate later."

"That doesn't mean He agrees with everything we do or will turn a blind eye to certain behaviors. It just means that so long as we choose to, and yes, Shadow, we all do have a choice as to if we want to believe in Him or not because free will is a thing, and He won't make us serve Him if our heart isn't truly in it, He'll keep us safe and comfort us in the shadow of His wings. He can mean many things to different people, but I think it's beautiful, awe-inspiring even, that there's someone out there that loves and cares about me so much, even when I don't think I'm worthy."

"You don't have to believe it, but I promise you, God loves you, and you are worthy of His love. You don't have to do anything to earn it. You just have to believe and accept it in your heart, and it's more than okay if you're not there or ready yet. You are not your mistakes, and if you truly changed and turned away from who you were in the past, which we all know you have, then no one can hold who you used to be against who you are currently because those are two different people."

Shadow nodded against her chest, the discomfort he felt dissipating into nothingness. He felt as though a burdened had been lifted off his shoulders, and while he still had a ways to go, he felt as if the path ahead of him was a little clearer, a little easier to walk down. He adjusted his position so that his chin was resting on Sally's left shoulder, his cheek pressed against hers, her arms still firmly wrapped around him.

He was about to say something, when movement out of the corner of his eye caught his attention. It looked like a figure, but it was so bright around them, he couldn't be sure. He squinted, eyes narrowed and hand burrowing in the depth of his pocket, fingers curling around the cool surface of the green Chaos Emerald. But before he could do anything, the figure disappeared, leaving nothing behind but feathers fluttering the wind.

Heart racing, more than alarmed but overall in stunned disbelief because there was no way that was who he thinks it was. Eyes darting around wildly, Shadow willed himself to calm down. It was just his mind playing tricks on him.

Please don't judge me, and I won't judge you.

Startled, Shadow nearly jerked out of Sally's embrace, but she held him fast reflexively.

"What's wrong with you, Shadow? You look like you've seen a ghost or something," Sally said, sapphire eyes scanning frantically over him.

Maybe the Holy Ghost, Shadow thought, but didn't say. He was probably overreacting to a simple trick on his eyes. There was no need in worrying about it, but still, those words that sounded so real echoed in his ears, and while he wasn't sure why he found them so reassuring, he did, nonetheless. Smiling wryly with a shake of his head, he focused his attention back on his fretting girlfriend.

Man's plans, God laughs after all.

Happy Easter everyone. Things have been rocky and hard on me recently, but I'm still here, so that's gotta mean something. Easter is one of my favorite times of the year, and I think it's because I just love the idea that someone, i.e. Jesus, loved me enough to lay down His life for me, that He thought I was worth the effort and hassle, y'know? And it's totally cool if you don't believe in this particular religion or any religion in general, and I hope I didn't unintentionally make anyone uncomfortable with the obvious religious tones in this particular chapter, but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless, and just know that you aren't your mistakes, that you can change and turn away from harmful behaviors, and most importantly, that you are loved, you are valued, and you matter to someone somewhere. Love you guys, and have a wonderful Easter if you celebrate it :)