Last night Michelle and I had continued our little make-out session for a
while longer. After that we talked for a bit longer until she had to go
for an early photo shoot. I awoke alone the next day. I looked at the
clock, 9:23 A.M. I had only slept for about three hours. I woke up
restless. Physically my body was still tired, but my mind on the other
hand, was running at the speed of light. Pictures of last night came
flooding in. I sat up in the bed still wearing what I wore yesterday and
soaked everything in. Everything from the morning sunlight to Michelle and
last night. I was confused. What I did last night; I mean I was taught
that homosexuality was wrong, but I let my need for her take over all
senses. Yet, it all felt right. Could it not be that wrong? Questions
came flooding into my head. Why am I feeling this? Is Michelle a lesbian?
What the Hell will my parents think of me, of this? I decided to take a
warm shower to ease my tense body and mind.
Once in the shower, I turned the water on full blast and made sure that it was almost scolding hot. Standing up felt like a chore and my legs began to wobble. So I sat down and allowed the water to splatter on my body. I couldn't hold the frustration in any longer. I made a choking noise at first, my throat felt warm. My vision blurred until the tears fell. I tried to hold it in longer, but more and more fell until I began crying so hard that I was almost screaming. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I put my arms around my legs as if to protect myself. I bit down on my thumb trying to control myself.
After refreshing myself and calming down a bit I put a towel around my wet hair and dialed Michelle's cell phone number that she had left. As it rang I felt the butterflies leave their cocoons. My hands were twisted up in the telephone cord. Then I heard a voice, "Hello?" I could not speak for a few seconds. "Hello?" Michelle repeated herself, wondering why no one was answering.
I stuttered, "H-hi, Michelle, it's Alexis."
"Hey Babe!"
Hearing her cheerful voice soothed me a little. "Could we talk?"
"We're doing that right now." I could hear her smile.
Slowly I said, "In person; I need to talk to you. It's important."
She became silent. Then took a deep breath. "Okay, I'll be there in a few." I detected the confusion and hurt in her voice. Then I hung up.
I removed the towel from my damp hair. I lay myself down on the disheveled bed. My thoughts over took my body. I couldn't cry any more. All of my tears for the moment had been shed in the bathtub. The after effects of crying so long made me feel fatigued. Without knowing, my eyes slowly closed themselves and I fell asleep.
I awoke not many minutes later with my hair still damp and clinging to my face. Someone was knocking at the door. I knew exactly who it was. "Coming," I called out to Michelle. She ceased her rapping of the door. After running a brush through my hair till it was halfway decent looking, I opened the door. Michelle stood there with her hands in her pockets looking at her shoes. Seeing that I had opened the door she greeted me, "Hey."
"Hey." A pause.
Taking a hand out of her pocket, she adjusted her black purse hanging at her side. "You wanted to talk?"
My voice didn't come out very stable, "Yeah." I stepped aside to let her into my cluttered hotel room, although, she did not seem to mind my mess.
I closed the door behind me slowly. I motioned for her to sit down on the still untidy bed. My heart seemed to thump faster. I was sure that it was as fast as the beat of a rabbit by the time I was seated next to Michelle. "Michelle," I started off, "Michelle, I-I." I laughed at my uneasiness. Then I controlled my nervousness. "Um, I'm not sure what to make of last night."
"Didn't you like what we did?" She asked as she moved her hand until it just touched mine.
"Yes, oh, oh yes, I did." Now I sounded too eager. I couldn't help but to smile at my embarrassment. Michelle seemed to have found it amusing as well. "I mean, yes, I did," I said after calming my tone, "But I just don't think that it's right for us to do 'that'."
Michelle was afflicted by what I said, "And 'that' would be what? That I kissed you? That I told you of how I felt about you?" Getting off the bed, she continued, "What is 'that'?"
"I don't me to hurt you in anyway. I'm sorry, but it's just that I don't approve of," I took in a breath before saying it, saying the 'that', "homosexuality."
"You say that word as if it were poison on your tongue. What the hell is wrong with it? Tell me." Her voice sounded so full of anguish.
"It's just not right. I mean doesn't the Bible say that it is wrong! I'd be going against my religion, my God." I placed my hands on my chest to emphasize what I was saying. Michelle looked like she was about to face death. I had not wanted to hurt her, but I had to do something. I didn't agree with this.
"So now you are saying that I'm a sinner! Oh my gosh, Alexis, the Bible also says to love because God is love. And I know that the real God would not care about gender. What two people feel for each other is always sacred. Don't you understand that? By truly loving someone gender won't matter. You love the person, not the sex."
What she said made perfect sense. Why had I not thought of that? She was right; my Bible does say that. I was still so confused, but I now knew what I wanted. What I needed. And I needed Michelle. Suddenly, I felt her hand on my knees as she knelt in front of me. She looked up at me with her gorgeous, large, brown eyes. "Michelle, I'm so sorry. I never thought of that. I never remembered that part in the Bible. You're right. Can you forgive me, please?"
"Yes," she pushed herself off of the carpet and sat back beside me. She pulled my hair back away from my pale face. Then Michelle placed her lips against mine. I could already feel love in them. She already loved me. And I think that I felt the same for her. Another girl.
Once in the shower, I turned the water on full blast and made sure that it was almost scolding hot. Standing up felt like a chore and my legs began to wobble. So I sat down and allowed the water to splatter on my body. I couldn't hold the frustration in any longer. I made a choking noise at first, my throat felt warm. My vision blurred until the tears fell. I tried to hold it in longer, but more and more fell until I began crying so hard that I was almost screaming. Pulling my knees up to my chest, I put my arms around my legs as if to protect myself. I bit down on my thumb trying to control myself.
After refreshing myself and calming down a bit I put a towel around my wet hair and dialed Michelle's cell phone number that she had left. As it rang I felt the butterflies leave their cocoons. My hands were twisted up in the telephone cord. Then I heard a voice, "Hello?" I could not speak for a few seconds. "Hello?" Michelle repeated herself, wondering why no one was answering.
I stuttered, "H-hi, Michelle, it's Alexis."
"Hey Babe!"
Hearing her cheerful voice soothed me a little. "Could we talk?"
"We're doing that right now." I could hear her smile.
Slowly I said, "In person; I need to talk to you. It's important."
She became silent. Then took a deep breath. "Okay, I'll be there in a few." I detected the confusion and hurt in her voice. Then I hung up.
I removed the towel from my damp hair. I lay myself down on the disheveled bed. My thoughts over took my body. I couldn't cry any more. All of my tears for the moment had been shed in the bathtub. The after effects of crying so long made me feel fatigued. Without knowing, my eyes slowly closed themselves and I fell asleep.
I awoke not many minutes later with my hair still damp and clinging to my face. Someone was knocking at the door. I knew exactly who it was. "Coming," I called out to Michelle. She ceased her rapping of the door. After running a brush through my hair till it was halfway decent looking, I opened the door. Michelle stood there with her hands in her pockets looking at her shoes. Seeing that I had opened the door she greeted me, "Hey."
"Hey." A pause.
Taking a hand out of her pocket, she adjusted her black purse hanging at her side. "You wanted to talk?"
My voice didn't come out very stable, "Yeah." I stepped aside to let her into my cluttered hotel room, although, she did not seem to mind my mess.
I closed the door behind me slowly. I motioned for her to sit down on the still untidy bed. My heart seemed to thump faster. I was sure that it was as fast as the beat of a rabbit by the time I was seated next to Michelle. "Michelle," I started off, "Michelle, I-I." I laughed at my uneasiness. Then I controlled my nervousness. "Um, I'm not sure what to make of last night."
"Didn't you like what we did?" She asked as she moved her hand until it just touched mine.
"Yes, oh, oh yes, I did." Now I sounded too eager. I couldn't help but to smile at my embarrassment. Michelle seemed to have found it amusing as well. "I mean, yes, I did," I said after calming my tone, "But I just don't think that it's right for us to do 'that'."
Michelle was afflicted by what I said, "And 'that' would be what? That I kissed you? That I told you of how I felt about you?" Getting off the bed, she continued, "What is 'that'?"
"I don't me to hurt you in anyway. I'm sorry, but it's just that I don't approve of," I took in a breath before saying it, saying the 'that', "homosexuality."
"You say that word as if it were poison on your tongue. What the hell is wrong with it? Tell me." Her voice sounded so full of anguish.
"It's just not right. I mean doesn't the Bible say that it is wrong! I'd be going against my religion, my God." I placed my hands on my chest to emphasize what I was saying. Michelle looked like she was about to face death. I had not wanted to hurt her, but I had to do something. I didn't agree with this.
"So now you are saying that I'm a sinner! Oh my gosh, Alexis, the Bible also says to love because God is love. And I know that the real God would not care about gender. What two people feel for each other is always sacred. Don't you understand that? By truly loving someone gender won't matter. You love the person, not the sex."
What she said made perfect sense. Why had I not thought of that? She was right; my Bible does say that. I was still so confused, but I now knew what I wanted. What I needed. And I needed Michelle. Suddenly, I felt her hand on my knees as she knelt in front of me. She looked up at me with her gorgeous, large, brown eyes. "Michelle, I'm so sorry. I never thought of that. I never remembered that part in the Bible. You're right. Can you forgive me, please?"
"Yes," she pushed herself off of the carpet and sat back beside me. She pulled my hair back away from my pale face. Then Michelle placed her lips against mine. I could already feel love in them. She already loved me. And I think that I felt the same for her. Another girl.