By Angie and Sandra
angeloser@charter.net
Hermione was mad. Not "Ron, would you please quit doing that so I can study?" mad. Not even, "How the hell could Viktor dump me for Pansy Parkinson?" mad. No, this went beyond anything she'd experienced before. She was quite sure that if she'd tried to breathe fire, it would have worked.
This was all Snape's fault. She didn't know how he was to blame, but she was certain, once she'd figured it all out, his hooked nose would be in all sorts of places it had no business being.
She wasn't, however, about to cool down enough to do any investigating for a long while. Now she just needed to get the hell out of Hogwarts before she scared any hapless first years to stone.
Luckily, most of the other students were out of the building. She'd missed Hogsmeade weekend, and it certainly wasn't helping her mood at all. At least Snape had left the building and she wouldn't have to deal with him. Though, in the state she was in, Hermione thought if, by some unlucky chance, she happened upon Snape, she'd just fix him with a curse and damn the consequences.
Reaching her destination, Hermione wrenched the door to the Potions classroom open and rushed inside, slamming the door with a most satisfying THUNK. She looked around, happy to see that Snape wasn't in residence. At least she wouldn't have to risk being expelled.
Hermione walked to Snape's desk and sat down in his chair. She was sure he'd hate the thought of her body occupying the space his normally did, and it made her happy.
From beneath her robe, Hermione withdrew several crumpled pieces of paper. Rejection slips, all of them.
Earlier in the day, Dumbledore had called her into his office to discuss the several apprenticeships she'd applied for. In all honesty, Hermione had expected to be accepted by all of them. She was good at Transfiguration, and she knew it.
Instead, Dumbledore had said, "Sit down, Miss Granger, please." Then he'd fixed her with that knowing blue stare. She'd known it wasn't going to be good news.
But six rejections! Something was definitely not right. And she'd bet her last knut it was Snape's fault.
At least three of the apprenticeships had asked for references from all of Hermione's teachers. Of them all, Snape was the most likely to have nothing positively to say about her work. The problem certainly couldn't lie with her grades. McGonagall had told Hermione that in all her years teaching she'd never seen a student with a better grade point average.
With less than three weeks before school came to an end, and no other plans to fall back upon, Hermione was in big trouble. Dumbledore had offered her a position in the school, assisting and filling in for other teachers when they couldn't make their classes, but Hermione wanted out of Hogwarts.
It wasn't that she didn't love the old castle. She did. She just had the nagging itch to get out into the bigger world. A place that didn't have the lingering smell of mildew.
If she couldn't get out in the long run, she'd settle for a small excursion. She'd come to the dungeons intent on making a transportation potion. They'd been studying transportation potions in class the past several days, and she couldn't have asked for better timing. All the ingredients were fresh, and in stock.
Best of all, the anti-apparation spell around Hogwarts didn't affect the potion.
Hermione was going to spend the day lying on a beach in the Caribbean, soaking in the sun, and drinking something with a cute name out of a coconut. And she was not going to think about anything remotely practical.
Harry and Ron had been absolute pests this morning, trying their best to talk her into coming with them to town. They'd even gotten poor Ginny in on the action, and by the end of the breakfast, Hermione had been very glad to see them go. There was only so much one could take of talking eggs.
To make matters worse, she'd run into Sirius Black and Remus Lupin on her way back from Dumbledore's office. They'd obviously heard the news of Hermione's rejection notices and had tried to cheer Hermione up, which had only succeeded in making her more upset. They didn't seem to understand that something was wrong, and that's why she hadn't been accepted.
She had to get out of Hogwarts, period. If one more person said anything to her today, she was liable to… she didn't even know, but it wouldn't be good.
There. She'd furiously gathered all her ingredients and set them beside her cauldron. Lighting a small fire, she set about mixing the base for the potion.
While it simmered, Hermione let her mind wander to her day on the beach. She hummed and smiled, the action of potion making itself cheering her a bit.
She added the final ingredient and stirred, happily anticipating the feel of the sun upon her skin.
Then the door crashed open.
Hermione looked up, expecting to see a murderous Snape. Instead she saw a disheveled and worried looking Harry Potter.
"Hermione!" he screamed, "Don't do it!"
"What?" she asked, not looking at the potion, which had inched up from a simmer to a rolling boil.
"Don't drink that. This isn't worth it." Harry huffed and puffed and ran to Hermione's side, grabbing her about the wrist.
"What? Harry, are you okay?" She tried to pry his fingers from his wrist, because, besides being sweaty and dirty, he was starting to hurt her.
"I heard about the rejections. Sirius let it slip. And he said you were headed towards the dungeons…"
"Harry, what do you think I'm going to do?" Hermione pulled on her wrist with her other arm – this was turning into some absurd tug-of-war.
Harry looked sheepish, and Hermione suddenly got it.
"You didn't think I was going to poison myself, did you? My god, Harry, you've known me how long?"
"Well, what was I supposed to think? I got in here and you're making some sort of potion in the empty classroom, and…" Harry trailed off, realized he had no foundation upon which to stand.
He still hadn't let go of her wrist, so Hermione gave an especially hard tug, finally wrenching herself free.
And directly into the boiling cauldron.
Potion flew everywhere. Gobs of the stuff landed on her clothes, on Harry, and splatters of it touched every wall.
Hermione opened her mouth to yell at Harry, but before she could get the words out, the room started to spin. Literally.
"Harry?" she called, looking around for her friend. She took two unstable steps, and clung to the wall to keep from falling over.
Harry didn't answer.
Hermione made her way to the door of the classroom, and tried to open it. She had to use all her strength, and when she finally pried it open, she found herself looking not into the Hogwarts hallway she was used to but… was that a cloud?
"Harry!" she repeated, "You have to come over here and see this. Something very weird is happening."
There was still no sign of Harry. Hermione was about to close the window when she saw the strangest thing. It was a wizard, or at least, what she assumed to be a wizard (the thing was quite shriveled and ugly, but it looked at least marginally human) riding a bicycle that, before her eyes, turned into a broomstick. "Mwa ha ha ha!" the thing laughed.
Hermione slammed the door shut forcefully, and called again for Harry. When no answer came, she decided he must have taken shelter somewhere he couldn't hear her. She decided to do the same, and walked towards Snape's desk.
She'd taken three steps when something heavy hit her on the head and the world went black.
*
When Hermione opened her eyes, she found herself looking into the bright green irises of a dog. A small, black dog. With a lightning bolt scar on its forehead. Oh, god.
"Harry?" she asked the dog stupidly.
The dog barked.
"Oh no. Harry, are you an animagus, or has something really horrible happened?"
Harry barked. Hermione assumed that meant the latter.
"Come on," she said, "Let's get you to Madam Pomfrey. Unless you'd like to spend the rest of your days walking around on a leash and marking your territory." She picked the dog up, and he licked her face. Hermione reminded herself that Harry didn't know what he was doing, so he couldn't purposely be trying to annoy her.
The back of her head ached horribly, and Hermione thought she might be in need of Poppy's services herself. Carrying Harry, she walked to the classroom door and opened it.
Then she promptly dropped Harry and her lower jaw.
Hermione found herself looking out into a world she'd never seen before. There were brightly colored flowers, enchanting little houses, and a sparkling golden road. She looked down at the dog by her feet. "Harry," she said, "I don't think we're at Hogwarts anymore."
Prologue to the insane Wizard of Oz Parody. Written by Angie. Not as funny as Sandra's chapters. *g*
Oh, and standard disclaimers, Harry, Hermione and Co. Belong to J.K. Rowling, and The Wizard of Oz belongs to L. Frank Baum. (Who is probably spinning in his grave.)