By Sandra
arcthalia@aol.com
arcthalia@aol.com
[Hermione steps out into the bright sunlight. Amazing Technicolor Dreamboat sequence. Hermione takes a step forward. Her robes are gone. She is wearing a Fashion Don't. Her hair is braided. Barely. Looks like a Ron Weasley (tm) masterpiece. Harry wags his tail, barks once.] HERMIONE I'm not singing. [Harry barks.] [Hermione puts him on the ground, and looks around, dazed.] HERMIONE Don't tell me. We're either over the rainbow or on our way to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. VOICE Well, technically, Willy Wonka doesn't own the factory anymore. He's proclaimed bankruptcy. From what I hear, he'd been put in a minimum security penitentiary after they accidentally uncovered all his workers were under twelve. [VOICE belongs to Professor McGonagall, who is hovering to Hermione's right, wearing her own green robes. Hermione scowls at her own outfit. Professor McGonagall surveys the damage, then turns her stare to Hermione.] MCGONAGALL [cocks head] I must ask, as it is not quite clear. Are you a good witch, or a bad witch? HERMIONE [thoughtfully] Well, Professor, that depends. How are we defining these fairly obscure terms? By good, are you referring to being characterized by kindness and concern for others, or perhaps having the ability to perform well, or, rather, are you questioning whether I am morally sound? MCGONAGALL Yes, well--- HERMIONE And conceivably, you might be systematizing terms such as bad as misbehaving in a troublesome way, or perhaps, you're saying I'm below the standard of quality, which, I assure you, is positively not the case. I certainly hope you're not implying I'm --- evil. MCGONAGALL [looking about, exasperated] Oh. [staring at a spot behind Hermione] Is that the wizard? HERMIONE [glances around] Who, Harry? [beat] Harry's, apparently, my dog. Which is particularly odd as I've read analyses which hypothesize Dorothy had an abnormal obsession with Toto, and I for one am not--- MCGONAGALL Yes, yes. [McGonagall spots the classroom.] MCGONAGALL (cont.) Well, I'm slightly muddled. [beat] The Munchkins informed me a new wizard has just dropped a classroom on Tom Riddle. [beat, looks around, swishing wand] Oh, dear. There's the classroom --- and I must say it's an exceptionally unsettling classroom --- and here you are, and that's all... [Tom Riddle's feet are poking from underneath the classroom] MCGONAGALL (cont.) ...that's left of Tom Riddle. HERMIONE Well, technically, there's also a diary. MCGONAGALL [ignoring Hermione as she gets paid by the line] So, what the Munchkins want to know is, are you a good witch, or a bad witch? HERMIONE Good witch. Unless you're inclined to believe Professor Snape, who wouldn't recognize quality if it--- MCGONAGALL Please focus, dear. [Childish giggling in the background.] HERMIONE Should I venture a guess as to what that noise is? MCGONAGALL I'd appreciate it if you didn't, dear. Union rules. HERMIONE Fair enough. MCGONAGALL I've decided to keep this short. Those monsters in the background are, unfortunately, the Munchkins. [beat, more giggling] I'm Professor McGonagall, Head of Munchkinland. Firstly, I will not sing. Nor will I attempt to elaborate on my merry affiliates here. I will, however, tell you that they are rather grateful you've freed them from the evil You-Know-Who. HERMIONE Oh. I see. We're conserving time. Excellent, Professor. [Harry barks twice.] MCGONAGALL Yes, well. [beat] So, now that you've become a national heroine, dear, and quite satisfied those versatile fandom expectations, I'd like you to meet the Munchkins. [sotto voce, to Hermione] I'm terribly sorry. [louder] Come now, children, it's quite safe to come out. VOICE 1 We're not coming out until Lockheart does. I've a five placed on Christmas, after he's had some rum. VOICE 2 Shut up! Professor Lockheart is straight! MCGONAGALL As straight as Hermione's hair. Come now, children or I shall start taking points. [Munchkins begin swarming. Harry whimpers] [LAVENDER BROWN, a MUNCHKIN, approaches Hermione.] LAVENDER Yes, hello. We would sing, but there's a clause in our contract. Frankly, we were expecting, well... [Another MUNCHKIN, PARVATI PATIL, approaches warily.] PARVATI Don't take this the wrong way, but you're a girl. HERMIONE Indeed. LAVENDER Yes, well, it's just that we were supposed to be rescued, erm, by a boy. We can't possibly worship a girl. PARVATI We were told Harry Potter would--- [Harry barks twice.] [Hermione picks him up, and wraps her fingers around his snout to make him quiet.] HERMIONE This is the 21st century. Strong female characters aren't unusual. Girls can be strong and smart and pretty, simultaneously. They can be marvelous role models. [beat] Unless they're paired up with half-wit redheads who live for Quidditch and think the G-spot is an autocrat--- LAVENDER Oh. All wonderful points, but see, we've made banners and--- [Posters and banners are hanging everywhere, most depicting a boy with dark hair and glasses slaying an evil wizard. Several glittering signs read "I (heart) Harry Potter".] MCGONAGALL Oh, dear. I've warned you lot about this. We may be stuck in the 16th century, but we most certainly do not approve of polygyny. HERMIONE (disappointedly) Nor polyandry. [A carriage appears. Mild celebration commences.] LAVENDER Here. I reckon I ought to help you climb in. [exchanging glances with Parvati as Hermione climbs in by herself] MCGONAGALL Aren't you forgetting something, ladies? PARVATI [very unenthusiastically] We thank you, we thank you, We hadn't a clue, we always just thought Tom Riddle would leave if we threatened to sue. But now that you've saved us, it'd be a crime If we didn't worship you for the rest of time [beat] Why do these always have to rhyme? [Munchkins board the carriage. McGonagall follows. Carriage takes off.] HERMIONE Shouldn't there be a parade in my honor? LAVENDER Wasn't in the budget. Just wait 'til you see the big flying monkey scene. PARVATI I should, er, go wake up everyone. They'd want to know the wicked old, erm, wizard is dead. LAVENDER Somehow, it just doesn't sound right. PARVATI Hermione's right. It's a chauvinistic conspiracy. It doesn't sound as catchy when a man dies. Ding dong, the... no, it doesn't work. LAVENDER Actually, I rather thought it was for economic reasons. You see, in these modern times, where sociopolitical issues are taking a back-seat to the turbulent--- PARVATI You read that off a shampoo bottle, didn't you? LAVENDER You can't prove anything. HERMIONE [to McGonagall ] They're stealing my scenes, aren't they? MCGONAGALL They do tend to do that, yes. Ever since Professor Trelawney was forced to resign, they've had to find new ways to attract attention. [Carriage circles a full 360, parking next to a grand building near the classroom. MADAM SPROUT, the MAYOR, exits, followed by MADAM PINCE, the BARRISTER.] [Hermione steps out of the carriage. Madam Sprout greets her skeptically. McGonagall promptly shushes her.] MAYOR SPROUT [hesitantly] Well, Harry, you've --- you've changed a tad since the last time I saw you, but then again, you can never tell with babies. They could go either way, I suppose. Like that Gerber baby--- [beat, off McGonagall's impatient expression] Gender notwithstanding, we welcome you most regally. PINCE However, we must verify it legally. MAYOR SPROUT To see? PINCE If he... MAYOR SPROUT If he? PINCE Is morally, ethically--- MAYOR SPROUT Spiritually, physically--- LAVENDER Positively, absolutely--- PARVATI Undeniably and reliably--- ALL (asynchronously) Dead. [GILDEROY LOCKHEART, the CORONER, steps toward Hermione.] HERMIONE You're not touching a finger--- LOCKHEART Of course not, dear. I don't like you that way. Ask any Snapefan. HERMOINE Oh. All right, then. [Lockheart moves away, toward the classroom, swishes wand several times, looking bouncy and incompetent. But pretty. He comes back several seconds later.] LOCKHEART Well, as near as I can tell --- and I can't, really --- he's rather dead. Of course, I wouldn't exclude several factors here. Firstly, I'm a slightly inept amnesiac. I wouldn't believe everything I say. Secondly, Tom Riddle has an affinity for highly melodramatic exists, and as we've all witnessed thus far, he always seems to find a way to come back. I wouldn't celebrate too prematurely and--- MAYOR SPROUT ---we shall now disregard all your prattling. I suggest today be proclaimed a day of Independence for all the Munchkins and their descendants. PINCE Of course, unless Miss Lavender and Miss Parvati stop inhaling nail polish fumes, we may never see any. LAVENDER Here's to that! PARVATI Our contracts don't cover maternal leave. HERMIONE They're doing it again, Professor McGonagall. MCGONAGALL Yes, well. [looks around] I'd like you to meet someone. If not for plot advancement, then sheer level of vengeance. [THREE TOTS line up in front of Hermione. They are sulking, dragging their feet and are altogether in a very rotten mood. They are also dressed unbearably cute.] [Hermione grins widely.] DRACO Shut up, Granger. We had to be in here somewhere. HERMIONE [smirking] You will sing, won't you? [Draco doesn't answer, continues silently fuming.] CRABBE Well, then... [looks around, McGonagall nods threateningly.] We should --- start. Goyle, you go first. GOYLE Oi. I don't think so. DRACO And why exactly not? GOYLE Well, Fearless Leader, for one, I have absolutely no place in a Snape/Granger piece of fiction. [beat] So long, mate. [Goyle exits.] CRABBE Bloody hell. Why didn't I think of that first? [Crabbe attempts escape, only to be thwarted by Draco's firm grip on his arm.] DRACO Oh, no you don't. [scowling] But we do need a replacement. Where's Keanu Reeves when you need him? [beat] Pansy! [PANSY stumbles out of the bushes.] PANSY Coming, Draco, darling! [falls in line] Hello, mudblood. We represent the Lullaby League... or the Lollypop Guild. I'm not quite clear on that part. DRACO Yes, we wish to [deep sigh] welcome you to Munchkinland. At least until our Lord rises again. [Loud cheering until the Munchkins realize what they're cheering for. After a moment, they continue celebrating obliviously.] MAYOR SPROUT From now on, you'll be history, my dear Harry! HERMIONE Actually, it's Hermione. Harry's my... [Harry barks] friend. MAYOR SPROUT Well, then. From now on, you'll be history, Harry's Friend! DRACO [evilly] Yes, history. PINCE We shall glorify your name --- if you have no objections to heathenism or illicit hero worship--- LAVENDER Well, she didn't mind it for seventy or so chapters of RH. MAYOR SPROUT Good point. Ten points for Munchkinland. PINCE ---and you'll be a bust--- DRACO Definitely a bust. PINCE ---in the hall of fame. HERMIONE [to Harry] I can't take much more of this. There is no character development, no real plot, and worst of all, no shagging that seems so integral to WIKTT. [Harry barks three times. Enter LORD VOLDEMORT, stage left. Draco seems delighted, McGonagall irritated and Sprout keeps checking her day planner.] MAYOR SPROUT You're not scheduled for a tyrannous coup until 18:00. VOLDEMORT Evil doesn't respect punctuality. HERMIONE This may sound silly, but I thought you said he was dead. MCGONAGALL No, we said Tom Riddle was dead. This is Lord You-Know-Who. Not up to your usual standard, Hermione, at all. Five points from Munchkinland. PARVATI I protest! LAVENDER I second that! VOLDEMORT Who killed me? Who killed Tom Riddle? Was it you? Answer me! HERMIONE Well, technically, if you're standing here, you're not dead. VOLDEMORT What? HERMIONE Well, if you put any stock into time-space theories, there can only be one of you. Therefore, you can either be Tom Marvolo Riddle or Lord Voldemort. It's quite simple really. And if you're brilliant enough, you can rearrange a few letters and come ahead much earlier than your peers while reading Chamber of Secrets. Of course, many of us rather like Tom Riddle as he is young and not quite as evil as Lord Voldemort. Also, all things considered, they've cast a boy that could potentially rival Sean Biggerstaff's fan base. [beat] As I was saying, you can't coexist with Tom, but you can be Tom. You needed to crush him anyway. He was what you weren't or won't be and by being, he isn't. VOLDEMORT Wait. I haven't had my coffee yet. HERMIONE That's okay. I can wait. VOLDEMORT Thank you. They could fire me for this, you know. [beat] Very well. Let me get into character. [expression darkens] Who killed my... er, brother? [Hermione nods encouragingly] Who killed him? Was it you? Answer me! MCGONAGALL Leave her alone. She's due for a break anyway. Child labor laws. VOLDEMORT You stay out of this! I'm here for vengeance! So, it was you, was it? You killed him --- wait. MAYOR SPROUT Oh, for heaven's sake, Tom, we'd all like to go home before the apocalypse. VOLDEMORT Wait, I've got something here. Why couldn't a classroom land on Wormtail? He's expendable. No one likes him. Why create paradoxes? HERMIONE Um. It was an accident? No SS/HG story is complete without an accident? We didn't mean to? Pick one? VOLDEMORT This is a SS/HG story? [Hermione nods] My sincerest condolences. PINCE Listen, in my capacity as a legal consultant, I must advise you to keep in character. With all due respect, Evil Dark Lord, no one is going to want to kill you. VOLDEMORT [dramatic sigh] As you wish. [clears throat, narrows eyes menacingly] Accident, eh? Well, my little pretty, I can cause accidents, as well. [raises wand] And this is how I do it! MCGONAGALL Aren't you forgetti--- [Harry barks once, gnawing on Tom Riddle's slippers.] MCGONAGALL ---ng the ruby slippers? [Everyone looks at Tom Riddle's feet. The slippers disappear and the stockings are drawn back under the classroom.] VOLDEMORT They're gone. [beat] Oh, well. I've raised from the dead. I can't afford to worry over shoes. LAVENDER Yes, but in accordance to Ministry regulations, one cannot perform any spells if one's wand is not color-coordinated to one's slippers. VOLDEMORT Blasted Ministry pansies. Such rubbish. In my day and age--- MCGONAGALL The fact remains, we need conflict. Now, if you'd kindly notice Tom Riddle's slippers are headed towards Hermione, we can all fake surprise and set up the next chapter. HERMIONE After all, we haven't even heard from Professor Snape yet. And this is a SS/HG story. Professor Snape is somewhat crucial to the plot. We shan't survive without his biting sarcasm and a few dozen pages of pure, pain-driven anxiety. I shall have to provide comfort while keeping an appropriate distance, both emotional and physical. And then, perhaps, a scheming friend or familiar will bring us closer together. This is, after all, a SS/HG story. ALL We already apologized for that. HERMIONE I just like hearing it. VOLDEMORT Very well, indeed. [beat] I could just send Peter out to buy me a new pair of slippers, but I suppose that would defeat the purpose. And he is rather--- PINCE Flamboyant? PARVATI Fashion-impaired? HERMIONE Merry in a non-Robin Hood manner? [Harry barks.] DRACO Loyal? VOLDEMORT [noticing Draco] Oh. Your father says hello. My... you've grown. DRACO Thank you, my Lord. I would gladly retrieve the slippers for you, but I worry Granger and I would end up in a compromising situation not becoming a SS/HG story. Unless we, of course, refer to--- PINCE Copyright, young man. We've already referenced it once. MCGONAGALL Quite right. [to Voldemort] Shall we continue unbidden? VOLDEMORT [turning to Hermione] Give me back my slippers. HERMIONE You didn't say please. MCGONAGALL And he won't say thank you, either. VOLDEMORT You stay out of this, Minnie, or I'll fix you, as well. MCGONAGALL Rubbish. You obviously have no power here. LAVENDER Or fashion sense! PARVATI Or stage presence! [Harry barks twice.] MCGONAGALL You better be off, before somebody drops a classroom on you, too. VOLDEMORT Very well --- I'll bide my time. [turns to Hermione] And as for you, my fine lady... I know a great hair product that would get that mane of yours under control. [Hermione glares, Harry barks.] Oh, all right. I merely want to be in the sequel. HERMIONE Yes, well, join the club. We'd all like to be in Book Five. But it just isn't going to happen. VOLDEMORT Perhaps we overdid it when we started cutting off hands. [beat] I can't top that. [hisses, narrows eyes] You --- it's true. I can't attend to you here and now as I'd like--- DRACO As we'd all like. VOLDEMORT ---but just try to stay out of my way, just try! I'll get you, my pretty. [Hermione thrusts Harry at Voldemort, then snatches him back.] VOLDEMORT And your little dog, too. After all, I have been after him for years now. [laughs menacingly] Cheerio.