Ashes to Ashes

Author: Violet Raven

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the character of 'Velvet Goldmine', they belong to Todd Haynes and Miramax and since I am not affiliated with any of the afore-mentioned people, I'm not making a dime off of this story. If I were, would I be posting it on ff.net?

Summary: Set after the movie- Curt decides it's time to move on after remembering a moment with Brian.

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Curt Wild sat quietly on his bed, knees pulled up to his chest and tangled blonde hair pulled messily into a half-ponytail. A few strands had come loose, but he didn't bother to move them away from his face. Instead he simply sat still, staring at a syringe laying in front of him, beckoning him to pick it up. He contemplated it, realizing his desperate desire to feel the heroin inside him again, to empty himself of all feeling once more, like he used to.

Today of all days he needed one more hit, to be lost in oblivion. One year today. The anniversary of his 'Death of Glitter' concert with Jack Fairy. That was the day he knew that it was completely over between him and Brian Slade, and it had been exactly one year ago.

And unfortunately, he was still stuck on the bastard.

For whatever reason, Brian was too completely a part of Curt, and even after a year, he still wouldn't let him go, despite the pain he had brought by faking his death and not once coming back to Curt after their fight. But maybe that was the way it was supposed to be, and Curt just couldn't accept that. He would have to- eventually. After all, if Brian had truly loved him as much as he had hoped, then they would still be together, right?

Letting a dejected sigh escape his chapped lips, he picked up his pack of cigarettes and lit one. He took a long drag and let the smoke fill up inside before blowing it out.

With a half smile he thought back, and suddenly felt a wave of nostalgia come over him. He thought of Brian's pouty smile, soft blue hair, deep eyes…

Then an idea came to him.

He threw a black duster over his white t-shirt and black jeans, and stepped outside. A chill crept up his spine and he shivered in the winter air. But he fought it off and walked to the local store, a small, poorly-painted gas station-esque market with few products- ideal for a man like Curt who rarely ate and only on occasion wanted, or needed, anything more than cigarettes.

Walking towards the back of the store, attracting a couple stares on the way, he went straight to a formerly familiar aisle. As he sifted through the menagerie of ugly nail polish colors, he came across a black and smiled with satisfaction.

Since his last concert he hadn't worn nail polish, or make-up, feeling no need to get dressed up out of the public eye.

As he headed towards the checkout counter, he passed a mirror and stopped to look at himself. What a mess, he thought to himself with a grimace. He looked exactly the part of the lonely, washed-up rock star. No wonder people had been staring. They probably thought he was going to rob the store. Curt had always caught people's attention everywhere he went, having such a hard, angry appearance, but with the softer look the make-up would give him, and the sharp contrast of Brian at his side, it had all seemed harmless. Now it was different.

But who cared, really, if people didn't like the way he looked? He'd made people uncomfortable all the time in the past, and it was always amusing. Except now he scared even himself. So he grabbed one more item before leaving. Some black eyeliner. That would at least take some of the edge away, and make him feel a little better.

At the register, the man who rang him up gave him a knowing smile as Curt handed him the cash.

"It's tough shopping for the girlfriend, huh? Mine always makes me get the tampons. At least you got off easy." The man smiled as he chatted amiably.

Curt shrugged. "I don't have a girlfriend."

He grabbed his bag and walked out, laughing to himself at the man's confused stare.

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Back at his apartment, he sat back down on his bed and pulled out the nail polish and started to paint his toenails carefully.

This used to be a weekly ritual with him and Brian since their image was so important to uphold. Curt always loved helping Brian get ready for their concerts, and Brian loved to pick out Curt's clothes since he was genius with that part of their look.

Curt smiled as he thought of the times that had made him fall in love with Brian, the times that no longer existed outside of his memory.

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"Curt, luv, I can't find the shirt I picked out for you for tonight's show!" Brian called from the closet, his perfect British accent seemed to give him an almost sophisticated air that was ruined as he threw some clothes haphazardly out into the bedroom and cursed in annoyance.

From the bed, Curt groaned and threw a pillow over his head, still trying to sleep. He yelled out a few garbled words in a half-conscious state, and tried to fall back asleep.

Brian popped his head out of the closet and sighed. "You're still in bed? Come on, get up, we don't have time to be laying around. And I have no idea what you just said."

There was no response, aside from a snoring sound.

"Always sleeping…" Brian shook his head with a devious grin as he crept over to the bed.

He gave a quick moment of silence to admire his lover sleeping peacefully in front of him, and also to make sure he was completely asleep. Then he took a great leap and landed with a large bounce next to Curt, who woke up in surprise.

Brian began to laugh uncontrollably.

"Fuckin' A," Curt mumbled, as he smashed his pillow into the Brit's face. He fell back and muttered to himself. "…trying to sleep…"

Brian kept laughing. "Oh, don't be angry, I was just having a bit of fun."

"Yeah? Well you have a warped sense of humor."

"You're just in a bad mood."

"I wouldn't be if you would let me sleep."

Brian leaned over Curt and shook his head. "You don't need any more sleep. I like you better awake." He grinned.

"Do you."

He nodded. "Yep." Brian leaned in closer and placed his lips gently against Curt's and rested his hands against the soft skin of his face. Curt pushed himself against Brian and wrapped his arms around him.

"Well I like this better than sleeping, too," he said between kisses.

After a few minutes, Brian slowly pulled away. "We really need to finish getting ready. Wouldn't want to be late for our own concert."

"You sure?" Curt kissed Brian once more.

With a regretful moan, Brian nodded.

"Well what are we waiting for then?"

Curt stood up and grabbed some nail polish from the cabinet- a black for himself and a light blue which he picked out for Brian to match his beautiful hair.

He sat down next to the other man and unscrewed the cap to the blue. He leaned forward to paint the outstretched fingernails with a lopsided grin. "So how about tonight, after the show, we go out. Just the two of us, we'll just go out for dinner. To, uh, celebrate the end of a successful concert?"

Curt looked up with a gleam in his eye.

"Mmm… Sounds good. But no more Chinese. Maybe that Italian place down the street?"

"Or maybe American food?" Curt said, sounding more like a plea than a suggestion. "I'm sick of all this European shit. I just want a hamburger." He moved on to the next finger.

Brian hesitated, but gave in. "God knows why you'd want to eat a big hunk of…"

"Don't finish that sentence."

"Well it's not like you don't know what it is…"

"Yeah, but the way you say it makes it sound worse." He shook his head and concentrated once again on the task at hand. Then after a couple seconds he began to laugh.

"What?" Brian looked at him in confusion.

"Nothing- this, it just feels…" He paused.

"Feels what?"

"Brian, do you think of us as a real couple? I mean, forget what we do on stage and in public, the show. Do you think of us with a future, or just as two guys who like to fuck? And don't get me wrong, I love that," he laughed. "But this- I like this too. I like how comfortable I am with you."

Brian thought. "We do sort of sound like a married couple," he said with a smile. "I don't know, I don't really think of the future, Curt. I mean, when Mandy and I got married, I was thinking of the future and that didn't turn out at all like I expected. I just want to be surprised so I won't get let down, and I guess I just assume you're going to be there with me. In the future, I mean."

Curt finished with Brian's fingers and moved down to his toes. He smiled. "Cool."

"Cool, huh?"

"Yeah."

"You Americans…"

"You know you love me."

"Yeah. I do." He gently lifted Curt's chin with a perfect blue fingernail and kissed him.

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Curt looked into the mirror, and was pleased with his appearance. At least he looked better than he was feeling. His eyes were darker with the eyeliner, and his fingernails were their usual black lacquer feel. But he didn't feel any different, despite his better outward appearance, and he wiped away a single tear that had started to fall down his cheek.

So much for the future, Bri.

But it was over. Brian's sweet words still rang in his ears, but they no longer brought the peace and love they once had. They were lost on him.

Now he knew what it must have been like for Mandy when her husband had started to see Curt. A love she thought would last forever was simply pushed aside like it was nothing.

He walked back to the bed and once again saw the syringe full of sweet release and he picked it up. But instead of using it, he threw it hard against the wall and let it crumble to the ground in glass shards. He wasn't going to let Brian send him back to his pathetic junkie life, to get the better of him like it seemed he always had.

After a year, it was time to move on. But he hadn't been with anyone since Brian.

No… That kid.

Arthur, Curt reminded himself. Arthur Stuart.

Maybe he could find him. Sure, it had been Curt to leave early the morning after they had been together, but he had just had his heart broken by the love of his life and wasn't ready for a relationship despite what he had felt around Arthur.

But why would he want Curt now? He was a pathetic old man- or at least he felt old in his mind. He would just have to do a little work before he went out to search for Arthur, make himself desirable and hope that he could make Arthur take a second chance on him.

Maybe Arthur would be the one who could help turn his life around.

*~fin~*