Mona is about to make an important discovery about herself. Just a quick disclaimer...Matt Zeboski, Garrett Boldt, Scott Daly, Melanie Edwards, and Shane Arrington are strictly creations of Betsy Haynes just like Mona is, sooo enjoy!

The BSC Legacy - Book 3: When Numbers Really Count

By: CNJ

PG-13

18: Out Of The Closet

Mona:

As Kristy, Mary Anne, and I headed home that March afternoon, Kristy talked on about Ron Hayes.

For some reason, I found myself thinking about the time I'd dated Matt Zeboski and how it hadn't really been that deep. And how I really hadn't been attracted to any other guy since then. And then there was Anne McConner.

Listening to Kristy's description of Ron, it was very much like the thoughts I'd had on Anne last year.

I also remembered how whenever I was in a crowd or near a crowd, I'd notice various women who seemed cute to me. Just the way a lot of people notice the opposite sex. Was something going on with me, maybe my hormones?

Once we parted and I got home, I booked upstairs and started my homework. As I worked through algebra problems, my mind wandered to Anne and I still felt a bit tingly just thinking of her.

I've always felt different from mainstream kids, even back in middle school, where I kind of hung on the edges back at Wakeman Middle and Burkeview High.

Part of it is because I'm quiet and shy and another part is that at both Wakeman and Burkeview, looks were considered important on the social scale and I wasn't what was considered attractive.

But there was more...maybe I was coming to it now. I have a good group of friends here at Stoneybrook High, but still I often feel odd, sort of set apart.

Are there other kids who felt the way I do? I'm sure there are, but it's hard to tell who they are.

I finished my homework by late afternoon and after dinner, I went to check the e-mail. There was one ee from my older sister, Amber, who is a freshman at Yearling University in Massachusetts.

In it, she talked about her classes, then mentioned her roommate, Cheryl, who was having trouble dealing with feelings she was having.

...she has come out to me and to a counselor, but feels that she can't tell her folks. Her folks are not the most accepting, understanding people. I do remember meeting them once at when they visited and they are from Kentucky.

They seemed to me a bit overbearing and conservative, but that was my perception. So, I told Cheryl that it is entirely up to her whether she wants to mention her sexual orientation to her folks. Her counselor says she should, but I say she should wait a while and see where they stand on gay issues.

Wow, I thought, reading over the ee again. I know that there are still a lot of conservative-minded people out there who still reject their own kids for being gay or treat it like some horrible disease or think of it as a big sin.

That's why I'm thinking carefully about whether I should come out about my own feelings.

I felt a kind of bond with Cheryl, even though I'd never met her. I ee'd back on impulse.

Amber...she should come out just slowly with whoever she trusts not to judge her. Believe me, I know and there are things I'm wondering about myself too...

I ee'd a little more and told her to pass on my message to Cheryl to hang in there, then logged out and sat for the longest time, my own feelings whirling inside of me.

"Good-night, hon..." Mom called as she headed to bed.

"'Night..." I said faintly, wondering if Mom heard the strange sound in my voice.

I wondered if I should see a counselor to help me sort out my feelings. I didn't want to jump to any conclusions, but I felt it was something important I was finding out about myself that I wanted to know about soon.

"Dr. Reese," Ms. Raxer handed me the number at the guidance counselor's office the next day. "She specializes in teen issues and can help you sort out your feelings."

"Thanks..." I looked down at the number as I left.

I hadn't quite come out to Ms. Raxer, but had hinted that I was trying to analyze something about myself.

Good, if she helped me sort out what was going on inside of me, I could move on with figuring out my sexual orientation and then come out to whoever I trusted.

As soon as I got home that afternoon, I called and made an appointment for Friday after school.

I headed to the small cluster of offices after school let out on Friday, feeling a bit apprehensive, yet it felt good to be talking this out with a professional.

I went in and liked how warm the waiting room looked. It was sunny and spacious and there were little styrofoam cups with makings for tea and coffee.

I noticed that there were several psychologists' offices in this building. A couple was across from me and two chairs down was a guy of about eighteen.

I briefly wondered if they were here for counseling as helped myself to some tea and picked up some pamphlets on the side shelf.

There was one on alcoholism and another on work injuries. They were little scriptograph books with nice little stick and quote balloons describing whatever the subject was, problems, solutions, etc.

"Mona Vaughn?"

A pretty, slightly chubby black woman in a purple silk blouse stuck her head out of Dr. Reese's office.

"Me..." I put the pamphlets away and headed toward her.

"I'm Dr. Reese," she smiled warmly at me.

We shook hands as I came into her office.

I couldn't help smiling back and I felt at ease with her immediately. She reminded me a little of Oprah Winfrey and once I sat, I knew I'd be able to talk to her.

I slept late on Saturday, then got up slowly and got dressed. Mom and I had a leisurely little brunch.

Nothing much, it was pancakes, peanut butter toast, and tea. I fiddled around with my pancakes, debating on what to tell Mom on what I was finding out about myself.

"Penny..." Mom smiled at me.

"I'm...I guess," I took a breath. "I've been making some discoveries about myself and found out that I might be gay."

"Oh?" Mom stirred her tea some, but didn't seem too surprised. "When did you come to the conclusion? Are you in love with another girl?"

"Not really," I took a sip of tea. "It's just that...I think I had a crush on a couple of girls last year, and I was thinking about the time I went with Matt Zeboski...remember him back at Wakeman?"

Mom nodded.

"We were attracted to each other..." I added. "...but not really...in love in the usual sense."

"That usually happens," Mom nodded. "Have you talked to anyone about this?"

"Dr. Reese. She was great. She said not to rush to any conclusions yet, but made me feel a lot better."

"That's good." Mom stroked my hand. "You know, I read an article that ten percent of the population is gay, so you're not alone. It's not the aberration that some people still think it is. Maybe we could mention this to Amber's roommate; it could help her."

"Dr. Reese also gave me a few pamphlets," I stood and went upstairs a minute, got them and brought them back to the kitchen and we poured through them for a while.

"This one is for parents of gay kids." I handed the one from FLAG to her.

"Very informative." Mom reached out and stroked my hair, then gave me a hug. I hugged her back. "Thanks for trusting me enough to be open with me about something that must be very confusing for you."

"Thanks for being understanding," I whispered. "I love you, Mom."

"Love you too, sweetheart," Mom stroked my hair.

"See you later, Mom," I called, rushing out the door.

"Bye, honey; have a good time," Mom called back.

I caught the bus to Aster and Dusker's. Mary Anne said she'd be there and we decided we'd play some pool, then grab a snack.

As we headed to the pool table, I thought over what I'd talked about with Dr. Reese on Friday. Her advice about not rushing to conclusions sounded good and I'd make sure I took things slowly.

"You're still growing and it may take time for your orientation to settle in," she'd told me. "By your early twenties, you'll most likely understand it better." Next month, April, was Gay Pride Month and sometimes, they held a huge march in Washington, DC.

Since Aster and Dusker's wasn't crowded, it was easy to grab a pool table and Mary Anne and I played a few rounds. We were talking and the conversation turned to my old school and I told her that I'd gone out with a Matt Zeboski back in middle school.

"...Matt and I were...I guess infatuated and dated and all, but we never felt a deep love. I figured it was because we were still young. Did you ever have that kind of deep, real love with a guy?"

"Actually, yes," Mary Anne confessed. "Back in eighth and ninth grades, I dated a Logan Bruno. We broke up in April of freshman year."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that."

"Thanks. It was heartbreaking for both of us...we both really cried," Mary Anne said softly. "We just grew apart and had different values and needs that weren't compatible. Isn't Logan at Burkeview now? I heard his family moved to Bridgeport last summer."

"Yeah, Liza told me that he is," I told her, remembering when Liza called me back last fall and we talked about Operation Today's Good Youth.

I'd also heard that he was now dating Melanie Edwards, who is a HUGE flirt. I wonder if Melanie is still hanging on to Gene Actbin and Garrett Boldt.

I remembered how back in middle school, she'd strung Garrett, Scott Daly, and Shane Arrington around, making them each think that she liked only him.

Then in eighth grade, she broke Shane's heart and they broke up. Then at the end of ninth grade, Scott and Melanie had a huge fight and stopped speaking to each other.

"Did you ever go out with anyone besides Matt?" Mary Anne missed a shot and handed me the cue stick.

"No..." I took a breath. "The truth...I'm not sure I'm interested in guys at all."

"You're..." Mary Anne seemed a bit surprised, but not as shocked as I'd feared.

"It's a possibility," I spoke softly and we leaned close.

There weren't many others at Aster and Dusker's on that Saturday afternoon, but we looked around to make sure there was no one close enough to hear us.

"I...saw Dr. Reese on Thursday after school and she told me to go slow and think it over...not to rush to any conclusions."

"Good move," Mary Anne whispered. "I saw her back in eighth grade...after Amelia Freeman died in a drunk driving accident. Amelia was a friend of mine and her death was really traumatic for me. Dr. Reese helped me work through that time. She's terrific."

We smiled, then continued our pool game a while longer.

"I won!" I crowed, dropping the cue stick once the game was over. I felt better, lighter than I had in days.

"God, is pool thirst-producing or what?" Mary Anne grinned. "Care for a soda?"

"Sure..."

As we went to the snack area, I thought over what had just happened. To my immense relief, Mary Anne hadn't recoiled from me in horror and she hadn't acted shocked. She hadn't jumped in with quick, easy "solutions" either.

She'd just listened...which is why she's wonderful friend. I had the feeling that coming out to the rest of my friends would be easier now.