Author's Notes: If you, like me, are sick to death of reading Mary-Sues, then I have the anecdote! This is what really happens to them all when they land in Middle Earth. Oh, and I let Boromir live because I needed him at the end. Well, I didn't really, but I fancy the breeches off of him, okay? I also changed the end a bit, so that the Fellowship were all present when the ring was destroyed. Don't be mad. Well, even if you are, read it and review it and tell me what you hate about it. But if you like it, then feel free to inform me of that too!
"Orc-on-a-stick sir? Or perhaps I could interest you in a hot warg with relish and onions?"
"Souvenirs! Get yer Rivendell souvenirs right here! Snow-globes, key-chains and fridge magnets!"
This was the noise which accompanied Frodo and Sam as they wandered in search of Merry and Pippin.
"Who would've thought that the Elves were such flagrant capitalists, eh Sam? You would think that they were above all that." Frodo remarked as he steered Sam away from a man selling cheap and gaudy jewellery.
"Do you think Rosie would like that necklace?" Sam asked over his shoulder. Frodo tugged at his sleeve and pulled him down a side street, away from a T-shirt vendor trying to sell them hobbit-sized T-shirts reading "I destroyed the Ring of Power and All I Got was my Finger Bitten off and this Lousy T-shirt."
Sam glanced down the new street. "I don't think we should be here, Mr Frodo…" he began, looking at the people found there. Outside every building, scores of women could be seen, wearing very revealing clothes. They were all teenage girls, who had obviously been the ones to dry up Rivendell's stock of hair-dye and makeup. Most of them were overweight, due to the fact that they spent their days in front of their computers writing stories about themselves (as feisty elven maidens, of course). Some even had prosthetic ears on in a desperate attempt to make themselves look elvish.
"Au contraire, my friend, I think that we will find our friends here." Frodo pulled a reluctant Sam into the first building. After a brief conversation with the proprietess (a middle-aged woman attempting to escape the drudgery of her life with her alcoholic husband and hyperactive children), they went into one of the back rooms.
There they found Merry and Pippin with two of the more attractive girls. Both looked shocked to see Sam and Frodo there.
"Frodo! Sam! What are you doing here?" Pippin asked, peering over the head of the girl busy kissing his neck.
"Elrond has summoned us to a Council." Frodo replied. Sam was studying the pattern of the dirty and worn rug.
"Could you, um, give us a moment, please?" Merry asked, "We're a bit occupied just now." He continued, nodding his head towards the girl beneath him.
"Of course… we'll just… wait outside then." Frodo answered as Sam dragged him out. They waited for a moment before someone else they knew emerged from the brothel.
"Strider?!?" Sam asked, mouth gaping open. Aragorn looked horrified to see them.
"Um… well, you see… something was… I just… I mean… uh… I…" he managed to say as he tucked his shirt into his trousers, just before another figure emerged behind him, lacing up his own tunic.
"Oh! You must be the ring-bearer! Aragorn's told me so much about you! I'm Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood, but you can call me Leggy. It's just so super to meet you!" Frodo found it hard not to laugh as this elf extended his hand towards Frodo. Aragorn looked pained.
"Well, we really must be going to Elrond's council…" he said, forcibly pulling Legolas away and hoping this would end the conversation. Fortunately for him, Merry and Pippin appeared at that moment and they made their way to the council.
***
After very lengthy discussions, it was decided who would accompany Frodo into Mordor to destroy the ring of power. Just as Elrond, in his poncy way, was making his well-rehearsed speech, "Nine companions… you shall be the Fellowship of the Ring" the two girls who had been with Merry and Pippin at the brothel appeared from behind a bush.
"Wait! They're not going anywhere without us!" They both clambered over the hobbits and each took one of Legolas' arms.
"Who are you?" Elrond asked, looking confused- though not so confused as Legolas, who was used to men grabbing hold of him, but never mortal women.
"I'm Ylyaila," one of the girls said (obviously thinking that by adding copious amounts of y's and l's she would sound elven) "and this is Elyaiaiai." (the same goes for a's and i's.)
"What about us?" Pippin asked, and received a slight kick from Ylyaila.
"If they get to go, then so do we!" came a chorus of hormonally imbalanced girly voices. Suddenly, from all corners of the palace came droves and droves of girls. Most headed for Legolas, some for Aragorn and a few for Frodo, leaving the other 6 members of the Fellowship looking forlorn and angry.
"Lord Elrond, you can't possibly allow these girls to accompany us into the land of the Dark Lord!" Boromir began, but Elrond cut him short.
"Oh, just take them! Get them off the streets of Rivendell. They're a damn nuisance to house and they don't help the economy at all. Besides, they'll do anything for Legolas and Aragorn, so you won't have to lift a finger. You leave tomorrow."
***
The next day the wizard, the elf, the dwarf, the two men, four hobbits and the dozens of girls left Rivendell. Elrond had been slightly wrong in his assumption that the girls would do everything. They did everything for Legolas, Aragorn and Frodo, but the rest of the fellowship was left to fend for themselves. For the first day or two, this was fine, but after a while, they began to get a bit upset. No, that's not the right word. Mad, blinding hatred and rage more aptly describes it. Even Aragorn and Legolas, pampered as they were, were getting irritated, as they never got a chance to be alone together. Frodo was happy, which would have irked the others, if it hadn't been for Gandalf's constant mumblings about "He'll have enough trouble later on. Let him be happy now."
If the girls at the beginning weren't bad enough, they seemed to be picking up more and more as they went on. Only these weren't the type to pamper and care for the fellowship.
"Are you kidding? I am a feisty elfin maiden- it says so in the summary!" One of them shouted when Legolas handed her his dirty dinner plate. "I'm here to save you all from certain death, and that will make you love me!" Legolas sighed and handed it over to Elyaiaiai, who was more than happy to indulge him.
That night the fellowship got together and discussed the situation. Most of the girls, still thinking they could make themselves elves if they chose, had attempted not to sleep the past few nights, and it finally caught them up.
"I have a plan. We make for Caradhras and let them freeze there. They can't possibly survive the snows with those skimpy garments!" Gandalf plotted.
"No! Let us go through the mines of Moria! The miner dwarves down there are starved for female company- they'll take care of those girls." Gimli countered.
"Why don't we pick up and go now? They won't wake til morning, and by then we'll be long gone." Aragorn said, stroking Legolas' leg.
"I am the wizard here, I am the oldest one in the fellowship, I say we go to Caradrhas!" Gandalf said, trying his "I'm-going-to-look-all-tall-and-dark-to-scare-you" routine. It worked.
***
On Caradhras, the girls proved more difficult to kill off than planned. Most still had layers of body fat to contend with, which seemed to provide insulation. The tallest members of the fellowship decided that the only way to deal with these girls was to push them off of the mountain, which they proceeded to do, at random intervals. Frodo looked round and saw that his entourage had suddenly disappeared. Boromir, Aragorn, Legolas and Gandalf looked very pleased with themselves.
"You could have at least left me one." Frodo muttered under his breath.
"Don't worry, Frodo, Sam will look after you in the absence of any females." Gandalf winked at him.
***
One would have thought that this would be the end to their troubles. But those damn girls just kept on popping up out of nowhere. It did not seem strange to these girls to be wandering around Middle Earth alone and unescorted. They were irritating, but also provided excellent target practice for Legolas and Aragorn.
When all the wars had been fought between Isengard, Rohan and Gondor, and the ring was finally about to be thrown into Mount Doom, a few more girls appeared before the Fellowship.
"Oh, gods, I thought they'd given up after the battle near Rauros. I mean, that was where the movie ended, wasn't it?" Boromir asked, exasperated.
"Yes, but a few of them aren't so illiterate as that! They read the books too…" Gandalf replied.
"Well, what should we do with these ones?" Gimli asked.
Meanwhile, Gollum has taken the ring off of Frodo's finger and is about to take it away, when the extremely obese Queen of the Mary-Sues appeared next to him and threw her arms around Frodo, knocking Gollum into Mount Doom and thereby destroying the ring.
"I've come to save you!" She cried as Legolas notched an arrow into his bow. He fired, and watched as the arrow lodged itself into the Queen's heart. She screamed as she plummeted down into the pit of the volcano. All of the other random Mary-Sues vanished with her. The Fellowship had destroyed the greatest evil Middle-Earth had ever known.