Disclaimer: God, no. Digimon isn't mine. It will NEVER be mine. I will never claim to own it. This isn't for profit, just freaky, sadistic personal enjoyment – and hopefully yours, too. So don't bother suing me. There's nothing to sue FOR. And just let me say, that I am REALLY tired of disclaimers. They make me so depressed.
Warnings: Extreme…oddness. Do NOT ask me where this came from. Shounen ai, definitely shounen ai. Kensuke. I guess you'd have to be blind not to notice it. Or really into the whole "just friends" thing, I guess. There's also language. Um. Yeah. I don't know what to think of this. Blah. Altering POVs.
Notes: …This is… Hell, I don't know what it is. Why don't you read it, then review and tell me what YOU think it is – because I sure as heck don't know. But really. I…it's… This is really different for me. But I hope you like it.
[ken]
Pitch, pitch-black. If I stay like this long enough, sometimes, it feels like I'm covered in it – that the darkness, the shadows, and all the absence of color in this world that I only half live in, is real; is tangible. This dark is like a coat that covers and suffocates. It's smothering me. This…this feeling…
I've felt it before.
But it's strange, because when I reach out to touch it, it's wet. And sometimes there's a little light – I don't know where it comes from. The light restricts me. It makes me frightened, and I shrink back into this hole that I've created for myself. Who knows where it comes from… it isn't God. Could hell really be this bright?
I forget, sometimes, that hell is made of burning flames.
So hell would never be this cold.
And it is, it's cold here – this wet, smothering substance that glimmers red in the sunlight – and it's killing me. Slowly. I can't open my eyes anymore. The dying light and stifling dark…and the red. They're all I see.
But…red? I don't understand it. What does red symbolize? My mind…it doesn't work… It's fuzzy. I think I remember being smart, once – it's a faint feeling of being loved, but…despair? Why I was so angry and unhappy, I may never know. There are snatches of thoughts, but it's like a mistuned radio. In and out, my connection to the world fades. Nothing but varying white and black and red.
These are my colors, I have decided. When I return to the real world – if there is one anymore, and if I even can return – these will be my colors.
Or maybe this is the real world, and I've come home.
It's odd. I really thought hell would be warmer than this…
[daisuke]
They say he's crazy. I say they're wrong. I can save him. I visit him every day – he's strapped to a bed and shakes so hard that I'm scared he's going to break himself. Because he's so fragile.
He has problems taking things through his mouth now. He's on some special medication I've never even heard of before – maybe Jyou has, but not me – something like… halo-something? I have no idea. All I know is that they put him on that because, at first, he kept denying that he was sick, and he threw a fit every time someone came near his mouth – violence and all that. They talked about putting him on Clozaril for a while. Didn't worry too much about the side effects – said he might even gain weight, and he certainly needed to. I don't know if they ever put him on it, though. I doubt it. He doesn't eat, the nurses tell me. They tried to feed him through tubes, once, but…
They said he didn't stop screaming for days.
Come to think of it, they never did try that exact strategy again. They have…what did Jyou call it? A PEG tube? Whatever. They say he's getting plenty of food, but… Christ, man. He just looks so thin and pale.
I haven't seen him yet today. Actually, right now, I'm at home, sitting in the apartment – used to be our apartment, can't call it my apartment, because it's our apartment, but it won't ever be our apartment again – and…
I'm thinking.
Maybe they're right. I want to say they're wrong. Every time I leave him, I say, "He'll be better tomorrow." But he isn't. He isn't he isn't he isn't! He won't ever be the Ken I knew ever again and it's not fair and I want to save him but I can't save him and I…
Calm. Breathe. Stop clutching the cushion like that, Dai. It's okay – no, it isn't. It's never okay. But pretend it's okay, just for a little bit, and try hard not to cry.
There. Better.
It's hard to breathe. Hard to sleep. Hard to eat. Hard to live. God, I miss him.
The doctors – psychiatrists, whatever the hell they are; I don't care, I don't trust or believe them, anyway – they all say that he has some disorder. Schizophrenia. I can believe that. I knew him well enough. I can totally believe that. He became quieter, moved more slowly, forgot the normal reflexes like saying "Thank you." One day he was late for work and couldn't figure out why I wanted him to leave. Told me I just wanted him out of the house, I was plotting against him, and some other things I didn't really listen to – his conversations became less and less coherent. But…
What was it, again? Sometimes I forget. I think they said that he heard voices. A voice, specifically, and he couldn't figure out which one was him. Who the real Ichijouji Ken was.
Well, fuck, Ken. I could have told you that.
Ichijouji Ken was the kid I grew up with. He hated spinach and rebelled against his parents until he knew better. He went on dates and watched movies and ate cookies. He was warm and soft and beautiful and…
Ichijouji Ken was my best friend. I loved him. I love him now. He will always be the person closest to me…
He could have asked me, you know. Come up to me. Said, "Dai, who am I?"
And I would have told him. "You're Ken. You play soccer and video games. You like sweets and hate vegetables. You're my best friend. What else is there?"
Nothing, that's what. People can't understand who they are. They feel like they have to go on some big adventure to find it out. They say, "I don't know who I am. I just exist, and I want to be more."
I have news for you. That feeling of just existing, and being nothing else? That's who you are. The trick is to do something with it. Don't do what someone else expects you to do. That state of just being – just … be. And if you want to do something, do it. If you don't, then you better not fucking do it! Because that's who you are! That's all there is to it!
Well, apparently, Ken thought there was a lot more.
I wish he would have talked to me. Told me about…what did the doctors say he called it? – Oh, excuse me. Called him. The Kaizer, I think, he called him once. That other half of him. Said that…the Kaizer was a part of him. Talked to him listened to him helped him. But he didn't want him. So he pushed him away, and he became his own person, and took over, and…
And suddenly, there were two of him, and he didn't know which one to choose.
God, what the hell is the matter with people today?
You, Ken, are the one that is trying to choose between the two. You are not the Kaizer. You are not…the other one – I don't know, I guess he didn't care enough about that part of him to give it a name. Or maybe that's who he thought he really was. But he wasn't.
Ken is… Ken is the confused little boy caught in between them.
I only wish he could hear me when I tell him that. He doesn't hear much anymore. In fact, at this point, I don't think he hears anything.
…I really miss him.
[ken]
God. Make it go away. I don't want it anymore… This darkness, this light, this…this…
Blood. I've accepted it now. It's blood. Best to accept it before I forget what blood is, because I've been forgetting a lot of things lately. Yesterday – I think it was yesterday, I can't really tell – I thought I saw a butterfly until I realized I didn't know what a butterfly was. It was just a shape, my brain supplied the word to describe it, and it looked like a butterfly, but then…
Then I thought about it. And I didn't know what a butterfly was, really – was it round? Was it fat? What was it? I didn't know – and the shape disappeared.
I guess it got lost in the blood, too.
But when did I kill? When was I something that could have taken another life? I must have been horrible, to have shed so much blood, so much that it covers me and my world and crawls into my veins until I am it, and I am evil, and I am darkness, and I can never run away no matter how fast I run or where I go, because it follows me, and…
God, I'm just so scared. Take me away. Lead me to a true elsewhere. Anywhere but here. Please. I don't want to be here anymore.
I want to be clean again. Someone save me. But…
Is there anyone to save me?
Would anyone be willing to go fishing in a pool of blood for someone as pitiful and lost as me? At least try. Someone. Anyone. At least try! If you don't find me, I can kill myself with the hook… Be merciful. Give me something to release me. Whether it's life or death, I don't care. Death can't be much worse than this – and this…place, it certainly isn't life.
At least I'd be warm in hell, if I went there. Maybe afterlife doesn't exist. But at least hell would be warm. I don't remember what warmth feels like. Somehow, I remember what it looks like… Does that make sense? When I think "warm," I see a color. Not in the world around me – we've already established that my world is all white and black and red, but… I can almost picture it. But I can't give it a name. To me, warmth is like… I don't know. I remember a word like "chocolate," but I don't know what it means anymore. I don't know what a lot of words mean anymore.
I don't know what my name is. I'm afraid that soon I will forget what a name even is…
I swear, if you let me out of here, I will never kill again. I won't do anything ever again. I'll be good, I promise…just…let me out…
The world is white today. No red. No black.
I wonder where the colors go when they're gone…
[daisuke]
Miyako's here today.
She's sitting in a chair in the lounge, legs crossed and her hair flipped over her shoulder – it's so long by now it almost reaches the ground. Resembles something like a purple waterfall. I sit beside her and watch as she thumbs through a magazine – I don't know what it's about, but frankly, I don't care.
I'm visiting Ken. I'm visiting Ken. I'm visiting Ken.
I chew on my knuckles, nervously. I go through this every time I come here. I hope and pray so hard that he'll be normal when I see him, I wish and dream so hard my hands shake, and then…
Miyako touches my shoulder. I jump and bump my knee on the chair – it hurts; I wince – while snapping my head around to look at her.
"Way to go," she says, rolls her eyes, and taps my knee with her magazine. I don't remember when she stopped reading it, nor do I care.
I don't reply when she taps my knee again. She seems to accept this and goes back to reading. We've all changed since Ken came here – we've all changed a lot. Miyako and I included. I'm a little quieter, and she's… I don't know. It's like she doesn't care anymore. She had such big plans – she was going to marry Ken one day, I remember she told me once. But not anymore. She hardly visits anymore. I'm surprised she's even here today.
It's horrible. We used to be so close, the most tightly knit family of friends you'd ever seen, and then…
We lose one thread, and it all comes tumbling down.
Red threads of fate.
We are all connected. All of us. Some way. Somehow. Then Ken was cut from us – I guess Atropos got shaky fingers one day. Maybe she missed. Maybe this wasn't supposed to happen at all, and one day, she'll tie him back together, and then…
No, this is stupid. I don't believe in any of that. I don't believe in any God.
The only thing I ever believed in was Ken, and look how far that got me.
I stand. The nurses at the desk see me, smile, and wave – I come here so often, I'm on a first name basis with most of them. My favorite is Saya – she's the head nurse. She's nice. A little too happy to work in a place like this, but I guess I don't mind. I'm led to Ken's room, and…
There go my hopes again. Crash. It leaves an empty feeling in my stomach, but I guess my face hasn't noticed, because I keep smiling.
It's like my body's on autopilot but my emotions are on overdrive.
I sit down by Ken, wordless, and cover my eyes with my hands. I wait until the door clicks shut to cry.
[ken]
The darkness came back today… it chased away that evil light that haunts and burns. This lovely blanket of darkness, it keeps the light from blinding me. I'm safest with the darkness. With it, I can't see the blood, and the light can't hurt me.
Thinking back, I wouldn't mind becoming darkness, if it means I can protect people like this. It might sound weird, but…
I think I can see better with the darkness around.
Today I think I heard a sound. I think… I think I really did. I think someone was here, with me, and it feels like they took away a little bit of my pain.
There's not so much blood with me, I think. I don't know. It's like… Now, I can breathe.
I remember. I know what a butterfly is. They're small and fragile and multi-colored, with wings – beautiful wings – and they can fly, and… I envy them.
I wish I could fly away.
My wings are weighed down by light and blood and… darkness? I'm not sure anymore. I used to hate it.
Pitch black hate war death lies.
I wanted to rip it away – it felt real, I remember, like tar that restricted my movements, and I tried to peel it away once, but it didn't work, it just hurt, and so I never tried it again. Maybe I could cut it away.
Maybe I'll try.
I'll tell you a secret. I think I know my name – I heard someone say something today, that just stuck, and now I can't get it out of my head… Something warm came into my world today, and whispered to me.
"Ken."
Is that my name?
[miyako]
I'm scared for them. I'm scared for all of us – for me, for Ken, for God, for hell… But most of all, I'm scared for Daisuke. He doesn't see it. Doesn't see what I see, doesn't know what I know.
Ken is dying.
They think I don't know. They think I don't come here, ever. But I do. I just…I can't bring myself to see him. It turns me back into that little girl that was so ready to save him, and love him, and make him mine, but…
I guess Daisuke beat me to it.
But I still check up on him, because I still love him – maybe in a more sisterly way now, though, than anything else. I call the nurses and ask about him. I write it all down – hell, I have files on Ken. A whole drawer full of files on him.
He doesn't do anything. Just shakes like a sapling in a strong wind. He's going to break someday soon, I just know it. And Daisuke won't see it coming.
And when Ken breaks, Dai will break, too. If that happens, then one by one, the rest of us will fall… The Digidestined. We will be no more. We might be heroes, we might be legends, but…
Someday, that is all we will be.
We are legends, but legends fall together.
I just hope, that when Ken and Daisuke fall, they will be together. Because I can't save them, and none of the others can save them, and not even their Digimon can save them – they've been in the Digital World for a while now.
After Ken, nothing has been the same. It can never be the same. And I'm just so scared. I give Ken a week, at most, before he dies.
Domino effect.
It won't be long before the rest of us fall, too.
[daisuke]
I'm worried.
Ken shakes more, rocks faster, and his pupils are so dilated that I can't even see the iris. I'm not even sure what color they were anymore. Well, that's not true. I know. They were – they are – dark violet – something like a mix between black and blue and purple. Whatever it was, it was beautiful. Is. Is beautiful.
But I'm already forgetting things, and he's not yet dead.
His eyes were lighter in the morning. I know this. But I don't know exactly what lighter shade they were. And I'm scared. I'm scared, and I'm worried.
I'm forgetting what Ken was like. And I'm losing him at the same time.
It's like he's dying twice.
But no. No. He is not dying. I promise myself that I'll save him. I'll stay with him all day, if I have to, and I'll bring him back to us.
To me.
Ichijouji Ken, I will never give up. I will pursue you, even after you are gone.
…but you're already gone, aren't you…?
[ken]
It's warm.
It's finally warm. Praise whatever higher entity exists – it's warm. God, I haven't been warm in…days? Weeks? Months?
Has it really been years since I came to this godforsaken place? Probably. It feels like I've been here my entire life. But finally, finally…I'm leaving.
How do I know I'm leaving?
It's wonderful. It's beautiful. It's always dark – I'm becoming warmer, and it's like I'm moving somewhere. I don't know where, but it's…it's…
Chocolate…?
I know what chocolate is now. It's…like God finally noticed me, and blessed me with everything I've been missing. Knowledge. Everything. I remember things.
Ken. My name is Ken.
Chocolate is a sweet. It's brown, and it's one of my favorite things. It's the color of Daisuke's eyes…
And God! How could I have ever forgotten Daisuke? My roommate, my best friend. The most wonderful person in the world. Happy. No insecurities. Beautiful. The other half of my existence. He who loves me and is loved.
Here, in this darkness, I swear I can still feel his heart beating with mine. Moving into this new darkness – this warmth, free of that haunted spectral light, is without blood. I am forgiven.
It's like coming home.
[hikari]
Miyako visited me today. Showed up on the doorstep, her hair windblown – it was a disaster, but that's not what really caught my attention.
Tears.
Everywhere. In her hair, caught in beads of moisture on her eyelashes, splashed on her shirt, all over her cheeks… She was such a mess. I don't remember the last time I saw Miyako cry like that.
She didn't even have to tell me what happened. I knew. I woke up feeling like I'd lost something, but I took a walk around the house, and everything was in place. I was puzzled, but relieved. That is, until Miya came.
Then it all fell into place. I have never cried this much before in my life. All I can do is clutch pillows to my face and cry salty tears to soak into the feathers.
Ken is gone.
[daisuke]
This morning I woke up with two heartbeats behind my ribs. It surprised me, to say the least. Hell, I bolted straight out of bed like I'd been lit on fire. Never before in my life have I woken up quite that quickly. But…
Two heartbeats. Thrumming as one. I know whose it is. But I don't know why.
Ken…what happened? I called the asylum. They said he'd died.
I have to say, if you thought I was surprised before, you ain't seen nothin' yet. I dropped the phone. I screamed. I cried. But most importantly, I pulled myself together. Because I had his heartbeat with mine, and…
Can I tell you a secret? You have to promise not to tell. I haven't told anyone yet. Not even Miyako, or Hikari, or even Takeru. Or Taichi, whom I used to confess everything to – he was my idol, after all.
Ken is here. With me. He's… I don't know.
It's like there's two of us, here in one body. Two hearts. Two minds. Two souls. But we go together so well, that I don't think it really matters. It's all one. The only thing that separates us… the two heartbeats. Different, but in unison. The rest is so close that I don't know where one starts and the other ends. I'm… He's… It's beautiful. When I close my eyes I can almost hear his voice, see what he sees. When he talks, it's like faded wind chimes. They're… It's so soft, when he speaks. But it's clear, and the way it echoes against the far edges of my mind…
I can't even begin to explain it.
I don't want to tell the others. Having Ken here with me – in whatever form he is – it makes me wonder… Is this what he felt like, with the Kaizer? Could he push me out of my own mind, and take over?
I don't think so. I think…I think we fit together. It just works.
But I won't tell anyone else about this. No. Never. Because…
I'm scared. I'm not crazy. I don't want to live like Ken did before he died – before he came…here. With me.
I don't want things to be like that.
[miyako]
Black dresses, black suits, black cars… Today is a black day. Today is Ken's funeral.
This will be the beginning of the end for us. I can see it already. It's a salty overhang in the air, like tears. I know what's approaching. It's swift and deadly but oh, so beautiful…
Daisuke isn't here today. It makes me worry. I knew he would be upset, but –…
He wouldn't do anything stupid, would he? I thought I knew the jerk better than that. He'll cry, and pout, and act like a big baby and refuse to ever fall in love again – because, really, I saw the way they looked at each other; I'm not stupid, I know – and then he'll end up being even more miserable than before. But he'll get over it. Daisuke… He always gets back up, and he always smiles.
Maybe… Maybe this is where we all went wrong. If we hadn't pretended – God, if I didn't have to pretend, if Daisuke had maybe frowned once in a while, if Ken had not known the answer to a question once, if I hadn't flirted with every passing boy…
Perhaps, we could have saved ourselves. Maybe Ken would have trusted us, and told us – and if not me, then certainly, he would have told Dai. Those two…they were so close, and even approaching death, they were always together…
The thought makes me jump.
Together in death.
I grab my coat and leave the room before anyone can even ask where I'm going.
Because, really, Daisuke isn't that stupid… Is he?
[ken]
I've never felt like this before.
It's like I've grown new hands. It's different – I can feel, but it's like a pseudo-world, where everything is only half real. I see, but … those aren't my hands, are they? Mine are pale – I remember that now – and those are so…
My mind trips on the thought.
I know those hands. I've held them. I've kissed every fingertip. They've… I… They're…
Daisuke?
I'm afraid to think it, but…
The returning thought rumbles back into my mind, clearly, "Ken? Is that you"? and suddenly, I can see.
Small bedroom. Blue sheets, white curtains, threadbare rug. Large bed – for two? I've slept in that bed before. This is…this was…
"How did this happen?" I ask the air around me, and the feeling of air in my lungs is new and refreshing. It's like I haven't breathed before, and the experience is something completely foreign to me.
I take another breath.
Then Daisuke's voice is in my head.
"Ken, that is you, right?"
"Of course," I say, and smile, even though he can't see it – because I know he can feel it. I can push into his mind now, because it's mine, too, and it's so confusing but it's so wonderful and… "I've missed you."
An answering smile somewhere in Daisuke's presence. "Me, too."
The tears are on mine – his – our cheeks. It will never be mine again. Nor will it be his. From now on, everything is ours, and this is all I can think of as the vision of our apartment bedroom fades from my mind, and I'm falling, crumpling into a vacuum…
Daisuke's presence is all around me. Warmth, the faint memories of brown eyes and white smiling teeth. We can't touch, but we don't need to. We don't speak, because we already know what's going to happen next.
The world isn't black. Nor is it white, nor red. I don't know where all the blood went. Maybe Daisuke bled it all out for me.
This world here is simply, entirely, Daisuke.
[miyako]
The steps are taken two at a time. I don't have a key to his apartment. I'm panicking. What if Daisuke isn't there? Or worse, what if he is, and he's still gone in the worst way possible?
I don't think I could take losing him so quickly after Ken. I expected this, I predicted this, but… It's so much different when it's really happening. I can already taste the tears in my mouth. My hair must be a mess – I must have broken that woman's arm, stealing the cab from her, and I ran the rest of the way. It's windy outside. The sun is hidden behind a cloud.
I hate the sun. I wish it would die. It shouldn't shine without Ken or Daisuke here to appreciate it.
Hikari doesn't shine anymore, either, even though she's light.
Nothing shines anymore, without Ken… and now, without Daisuke.
I haven't seen the body yet, but something tells me that I already know what I'll find when I get inside.
Takeru followed me. So did Hikari, apparently, and I look around her to find that a lot of the others did, as well… They join me in breaking down the apartment door.
The tears flow.
I've never seen so much blood before.
[daisuke]
We're together. Nothing can ever take us apart again. Not death, not rebirth, not even God. I will never let go of Ken again. We've fit together so perfectly, like this, that I'm beginning to believe we're truly one person. Act as one, think as one, love as one.
What is this, exactly? Someone told me once that heaven wasn't a place, but a state of being. Is this it?
State of being… Maybe it is. Because what's existing worth, if you're alone? Maybe the meaning of life is to find the person you're meant for and die together so you can spend forever in eternity.
Or maybe I'm wrong, and we're both crazy bastards with an odd after effect from Jogressing.
Hmm. That's something to think about. But at any rate, I don't care.
If we're dead, then at least we fell together.
I let go of what I've been clinging to from the world I knew – blue sheets and hard floors – and I sink absolutely into Ken.
Two heartbeats. One soul.
[taichi]
It's hard to believe.
Daisuke, the bright-eyed kid I mentored through most of his short life, is dead. And so is his best friend – and his lover, I guess, but I never have gotten over that; I always thought he was straight with the way he went after my little sister like that when they were young.
They're both gone.
But somehow, it doesn't feel like it.
All of us are cleaning out their apartment. Photographs, souveneirs, keepsakes… None of us are taking any of them. We're putting them into storage, where no one will ever appreciate them, but we'll remember them, and that's all that matters.
I was talking to Miyako the other day. And through the tears, a point managed to strike home.
They're gone, now. History. Legends. Adolescent boys that helped save the world. They'll be in history books next year, and that's all they'll ever be to everyone but us.
But then she did something that really confused me.
She smiled and said, "At least they fell together."
The rest of us were listening, too. Hikari and Takeru stopped what they were doing – looking through some dusty box from their closet – and bowed their heads. Most of the others were just crying.
That's when we decided, that we'd bury them together.
Ken and Daisuke.
Together.
I just can't believe they're gone…
[iori]
I'll be honest. I never really liked Ken. But at least I have respect for him, now – and I admired him, just a little bit, when Daisuke fell for him like that. It takes a lot to make Daisuke serious about something. And he was serious about Ken. So, even though I didn't like the guy, I'm still here, out of admiration for him and friendship for Daisuke.
We're all standing in front of the grave marker, huddled in a group of salt and rain, while we toss flowers onto the freshly upturned earth. No one says anything. We're all reading the words engraved on the marker below the birth and death dates, suggested mainly by Miyako:
"Ichijouji Ken and Motomiya Daisuke … Legends fall together."
We wipe our tears and let fall the rest of our sentiments, along with the flowers. Our backs are turned as we walk away, but our hearts will never be.
Because the inscription on their grave is true, and only the first dominoes have fallen.
It's only a matter of time before the rest of us follow.
End notes: There. It's been edited, thanks to all of herongale's WONDERFUL help. – Mwaha. And it has just been edited AGAIN, with the help of my lovely assistant/partner Kelly. And if anyone else has any suggestions, HIT ME. I want them. Lol. And the lovely schizophrenia information was taken from, predictably enough, schizophrenia.com. Go figure. And for the love of chocolate, go REVIEW. I want comments. SUGGESTIONS.
And if anyone has any questions, ask me. 'Cause I get the feeling this was a little confusing… Hell, it confuses ME, and I wrote it!