Title: First Person Lamer (Part Two)
Author: Goudess
E-Mail: queequeg01@excite.com
Rating: PG (Some dirty stuff.)
Category: Blecch.
Disclaimer: They aren't mine. Don't sue me.
Summary: Mulder and Scully -continue- to struggle through this fan-fic.
Spoilers: First Person Shooter. There are some references to Monday, Chinga, and The Unnatural.
Author's Note: If you didn't like the first installment, you probably won't like the second.
Sure, it's common logic -- I just thought that it'd be nice to warn you. Anywhoo, enjoy.
First Person Lamer
(The Lack of Talent Isn't Any Less Affordable)
Part Two
"Daryl Mushootme..." Mulder drooled. Like a mouse following Pied Piper, he danced after them.
Scully hoped to hell that the Pied Piper didn't play music from Super Mario Brothers.
"Mulder!" She yelled. "What about me?"
"Um..." Mulder paused, although his feet still tappitied on the floor to the beat. "Why don't
you go do an autopsy or something?"
Scully sighed, and tried not to whine. She failed. "I alwaaaaays have to do the autopsies while
you run off and do all the fun stuff! It's no faaaaaair..."
"Fun stuff?" Mulder retorted. "Are you joking? I mean, what's so fun about chasing after bad
guys and discovering new twists to a mystery. I'd rather be cutting up dead guys anytime!"
Scully put her hands on her hips. "Alright. Go ahead."
"Sculieee! You're supposed to be falling for this reverse-psychology thing!"
She glared.
"Besides, you're the one with a degree. I'm just some halfwit who gets to do stuff."
Byers made a squeaking sound as Mushootme's jacket brushed his elbow.
"Oop, gotta go." Mulder said, catching the very nasty look in her eye.
He narrowly missed a fatally-aimed laser dot.
Scully plopped down next to Dorky-Nerd in the autopsy room. She crossed her legs and swung a
foot tiredly. "Well," She said to the very-quite dead guy. "Looks like it's just you and me."
Dorky-Nerd wasn't much of a conversationalist.
Scully sighed and rolled over a bit, so she could pull the sheet away from his face. He had a
half-dreamy, half 'eek, I just got killed' expression twisting his features. She grabbed his
jaw and moved his lips again, saying in a high-pitched tone. "Fox Mulder is the biggest clod
that I have ever seen. I think we should rename this show the Scully-Files, Dana. Yes I do."
"Thank you, Dorky-Nerd." She replied, as she shifted and jumped off the stretcher. Heaving a
sigh, she brushed her hands on her pants and pulled out a tape recorder. "External
examination -- The deceased is very icky to the touch."
Somewhere, off the set, there was a round of highly sarcastic applause. Scully jeered, and
continued.
"Cause of death..." She walked in a small circle, looking over the remains of Dorky-Nerd. "I'm
guessing it's the giant hole in his chest-" Quickly, she lifted a glare to the potential
applauders.
Mulder walked in. "Hey babe."
Scully raised an eyebrow. "Huh?"
He sat down where Scully had been a few moments earlier, pushing Dorky-Nerd aside a touch to
get comfortable. "So... what have you got?"
Scully made a face at him, and would have made a dry comment if she hadn't noticed that
something was amiss. "Hey... wait a minute... Where's heart-throb Mushootme?"
A gurney conveniently was shoved into the autopsy room, where it slammed into the opposite
wall and rolled into a corner.
Scully raised an eyebrow. "Ow."
Mulder frowned and sat back. "He kinda-sorta got killed."
"By the game?"
"By her." Mulder held up the printout.
He displayed the Scantily-Clad-Woman.
Scully rolled her eyes.
Mulder nodded. "He was so cool looking, too. He did this whole Terminator bit... bambambam...
like a pro... darted through the game without pause... and got hacked up by a really big sword.
She even said something to him."
"What?"
"It was in Japanese... guunyuu o kudasai."
Scully lifted an eyebrow. "What does that mean?"
Mulder twisted his lips. "Roughly, with careful translation, we found that it's basically
equivalent to 'Got Milk?"
Scully made a face.
"Hey, I'm not the one who said it."
Scully heaved a groan and sat down next to him. "I can't see how it could happen."
"You ever see the Matrix?"
Scully looked at him strangely. "Huh?"
Mulder slid her a small paperback. "Adapted from the movie." It had obviously been heavily
studied, judging by the episode writer-shaped salsa fingerprints that stained each page.
"See -- reality is judged by what we perceive, and only that. It says that -everything- is
really nothing more than electrodes that our mind picks up."
"Ahh, gotcha. Thanks."
"No prob."
After a moment she glanced at Mushootme and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Well. What do you
think we are dealing with?"
"You ever see the Matrix?"
She gave him a dirty look. "That won't fly, Mulder."
He sighed and stood up. "Alright, fine... As of now, I can only see one suspect."
"Who?"
He showed her the printout.
Extreme close-up of the Scantily-Clad-Woman.
"Arrg! Will you STOP that!?" Scully cried.
"What, this?" Mulder held up the printout again.
He displayed the Scantily-Clad-Woman.
Scully hissed and made way to kill him, flipping on her laser-pointer.
Mulder eelped. "Eelp!" He took the printout in both hands and held it up in front of his face
for cover.
Extreme close-up of the Scantily-Clad-Woman.
"Mulder!" Scully screeched. It was then when she tore it away from him.
"Scully!" Mulder cried as she darted away.
"Ha-ha!" Scully gloated in a Simpson bully-esque voice.
"Scullieee!" Mulder leaped after her, and they were soon doing a helter-skelter around
Dorky-Nerd's gurney. Scully would dart at one side, Mulder would move to intercept her, and
she'd dart in the other direction, starting the process all over again.
"Scully, that's EVIDENCE!" Mulder said breathlessly. "You can't play keep-away with evidence!"
Scully brushed out of his grasp again and stuck her tongue out at him.
"C'mon, Scully!" Mulder cried again, this time taking another avenue. "Let me have one more
look, and then I'll leave you alone! Promise."
Scully stopped. "Promise?"
Mulder stopped, directly across from her. "Promise." He repeated solemnly.
She lifted her chin graciously and started to hand it over... but being a Scully as she was,
she quickly came to her senses and tore it in two.
Mulder paled. "Scullliee!!"
Spastically she continued to rip it to shreds until it was confetti, and she soon was dropping
it over Dorky-Nerd's body while turning on her heels and storming away to tear a tin of sharp
autopsy implements into her arms.
Mulder turned pale. "Scully! Look what you did!" He pitifully picked up a piece of the printout
and looked at it sadly.
Extreme close-up of Sc--
His lip trembled.
--ad-Woman
of Scantily-Clad Wo--
Scully managed to gloat without losing her scowl... quite a disturbing expression indeed.
Mulder hugged the shards of his printouts to his chest and tried not to sob.
"Oh, cry me a river." Scully scoffed as she pulled the sheet off Mushootme.
"That depends on whether you jump in it or not." Mulder glowered.
Scully sighed. "Oh, come on. It was just a picture. And not even a very good one at that!" She
pulled out a mallet and flipped on her tape recorder. "Prepping for the internal examination."
"You're evil, Scully."
"And I also never have to LOOK at that ridiculous computer-woman again."
Just then Mr. Skeptic walked in. "We have that Computer Woman in custody."
Mulder brightened. "Really! And I didn't even have to do anything! Isn't this great, Scully!"
"But we weren't sure if we had the right one..." Mr. Skeptic continued, "So I brought a Polaroid
photo along just in case."
He held it up.
He displayed the Scantily-Clad Woman.
Scully clenched her mallet.
A plot skip later the Agents were pulling up in front of the Testosterone-Seeping local police
station.
"Ugh, what is that -smell-?" Scully said with an 'ick' etched into her features.
"Men, Scully." Said Mulder. "Icky, smelly men. Pew." He waggled his hands around by the wrists.
Scully gave him a look.
Mr. Skeptic followed them out of the car. There was a mallet-sized bruise in the side of his
head.
"Well, this is it." Mulder said. "Time to meet the killer."
Scully sighed and looked at her watch. "Fat chance. We're only halfway through the episode."
Mr. Skeptic raised a finger. "Now hear me out-"
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." Mulder walked off.
Scully followed.
Inside the police station were a bunch of men in clown costumes. They all waved and honked
little-bike horns in greeting.
"Oop," Mulder said. "Almost forgot." He tugged on a rainbow-colored wig.
Scully gave him wide eyes.
"Check the script, Toots." Mulder said quite nonchalantly, although he was already twisting on
his red rubber-ball nose.
Scully twisted her face. "The subplot?"
"Yup. Males fed by male-like urges."
"...to dress like clowns."
"No!" Mulder threw up his hands. "Are you totally blind! These costumes are just
symbolism -- who needs acting skills when you can just stick some idiot in a clown suit and
be done with it?"
"Oh. I see." Scully rolled her eyes and walked toward the holding area.
Mulder watched her go as something started to push into his mind.
Scully pushed past the cartwheeling merry-men and made her way to the door that was marked
"Interogateshun Roum" in purple crayon.
From behind her she finally heard Mulder blurt. "Heeey! Wait a minute!"
Scully sighed and pushed the door open.
Mulder tore off his wig and stormed in the direction Scully had gone. "Can you believe that
guy, Scully! He has absolutely no respect for us as professionals! I'm a big name actor, here!
I don't stoop to this kind of level, I mean--Ooh! Cotton candy!"
Scully wasn't listening. Sitting before her was the most voluptuous woman she had ever seen.
Mulder came striding in, happy as can be and picking cotton candy off a stick he had obviously
found on the floor, judging by the grit dotting it here and there. "Guess what -I- got, Scu-"
He caught sight of the Scantily-Clad-Woman then, and his jaw suddenly dropped.
The Scantily-Clad-Woman crossed one shapely leg over another.
"--Scully." Mulder finished, although the life had dropped from his voice.
Scantily-Clad-Woman slowly, slowly, traced her tongue along her thick upper lip. "So," She
said. "What's the deal? I've been locked up in here all... night... long..."
"Deal? There's no big deal. You're free to go." Mulder said, hypnotized.
Scully elbowed him.
"Ow, Scully. Watch it. Why are you looking at me like that, Scully? What did I do thi-" He
looked over at Scantily-Clad-Woman and paled. "Erm... I mean... we have to ask you a few
questions."
"Oh. Oh really." She wriggled around in her plastic seat and heaved her upper body forward and
toward them.
(Be suave, Mulder... be suave.) "So," he found himself saying. "Killed anyone inside of
computers lately?"
Scully slapped her forehead.
Scantily-Clad-Woman batted her eyes dumbly.
"Erm, I mean..." Mulder stammered.
"Look. There's a likeness of you inside of this computer game, and the game has caused the
deaths of a bunch of not-so-important guys." Scully said.
"Two..." Mulder said. "Two not-so-important guys."
Scantily-Clad-Woman raised a sculpted brown brow. "Aaand..."
"...And we need a lead..." Scully urged with her hands.
Scantily-Clad-Woman shrugged. "Um, how about... 'A rolling stone gathers no moss...?'"
Scully dropped her arms and gave her a pointed look.
Scantily-Clad-Woman just sat blankly for a moment.
"Last-Minute Plots, Incorporated." Scully finally said, positively disturbed. "Scanning
prograaam..."
Scantily-Clad-Woman narrowed her eyes thoughtfully, and then hefted herself up in order to
tug a wad of toilet paper out from under her bottom. She unfolded it and began to read.
Scully felt her bottom lip tremble.
Mulder craned his neck. "Hey! Hers is written in a darker eyeliner than mine! And -I- can act!"
Scully frowned at him and pulled off his sticky clown nose.
"Oh-oh!" Scantily-Clad-Woman exclaimed. "I got it!"
"And." Scully crossed her arms over her chest.
"It was in the script all along... imagine that!" She laughed.
"Yeah, yeah. Charming. Go on."
"There's this company called Last-Minute-Plots Incorporated. They used this scanning program."
Scully hissed under her breath.
"What?" She asked.
"A little more? Please. We haven't got all night."
"On me. They used this scanning program on me."
"What's a scanning program?" Mulder asked.
"Well, they laid me out naked in this little thing that reminds me of a tanning booth. Then
they let these soft blue lights tingle along every inch of my flesh..."
Mulder let out a squeaking-groan.
"And that did what...?" Scully went on, unaffected.
"Yes, tell us again." Mulder said dreamily. "Maybe even demonstrate."
"Don't listen to him!" Scully snapped. "Just -talk- already!"
A crewman walked past Scantily-Clad-Woman casually, humming a tune. As he fell into step behind
her he silently slipped a sheet torn out of a brown paper bag into her hands. Then, whistling
all the while, he walked off.
Scully sneered and whipped out her laser. Within an instant there was a loud cry and a thud.
Mulder stared vacantly into space.
Scantily-Clad-Woman slowly read what was on the sheet of paper out loud. "Um... Well, here's
the story in a little more detail, on account that I like to help out whenever I can. Said
semi-sarcastically. Okay... um... They paid me money to scan my body, Last-Minute-Plots 'Ink'.
And... um... dangit." She narrowed her eyes and leaned closer. Unfortunately that didn't help
her speed. It took all of Scully's effort not to flip on her laser pointer again. "Um... where
was I. Oh, here -- They paid me money to scan my body... Darn. Already said that. Hold on.
Um..."
Mulder gazed at her airily. "Like words from an angel."
"Um... here... And I guess when they scan my body that means that they can impound.. wait..
not 'impound'..." She narrowed her eyes again. "-Import-. Heh. Silly me. That means they can
import my body into the system, but it's just an image. Not me."
Scully let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you. That's al-"
"And on a further note," Scantily-Clad-Woman continued. "The scanning process affected my
memory and some of my thinking skills. Ad-lib the following. This is why I am not knowing my
lines and keep forgetting how to stay in character. Laughs. What are those little half-circle
thingies, anyway?"
Scully tried to restrain the pulsing in the center of her forehead. "Come on, Mulder. Lets go."
Mulder was like a brick wall. Only more Mulder-ish. "No... Scully... I think we should listen
to what she has to say." His voice was droning and blank.
Scully made a face at the saliva glistening on his lower lip. "She's done, Mulder."
"Oh, no, Scully."
She paused. "Oh no, what?"
"Huh?" Mulder stared at the Scantily-Clad-Woman.
Scully heaved a groan. "Lets -go-."
Scantily-Clad-Woman started to push herself up. "If that's all...?"
"Yes." Scully said as she tugged helplessly at Mulder.
Scantily-Clad-Woman looked strangely at the small redhead hanging off the man's arm, and then
with a twittering grimace she handed Mulder a business card. "If you need my services."
Mulder stared blankly at her.
And she strode away.
Scully felt herself being dragged across the floor. To her right and to her left were dancing
clowns and juggling pins, an array of color and... testosterone.
Mulder continued to follow the Scantily-Clad-Woman. However, he felt himself jerked to a stop
by a heavy appendage at his backside. He slowly turned around and looked to find Scully lodged
between two desks, still clinging to his leg.
"M-Mulder..." She gasped.
"Scully! Move! I have to get that girl's telephone number!"
Scully rolled her eyes as best she could under the pain. "Uh-huh."
Mr. Skeptic skipped over. "What she's trying to say is, the possibilities with someone like you
and someone like her -ever- connecting is equivalent to Mulder dying four times in one episode."
"Um... that happened to us already."
Mr. Skeptic blinked twice. "Oh, uh... Attacks by killer dolls?"
"Nope." Scully shook her head.
"Aliens playing baseball?"
"Nice try."
Mr. Skeptic threw up his hands. "Okay, it's about as probable as this episode bringing up
ratings."
"Aaah..." Scully nodded and whacked Mulder's calf from where she was on the floor. "You hear
that, Mulder. When pigs fly!"
"I think that's going to be an episode in Season 8, Sc-OW!" Mulder hissed and jumped on one
foot. "You're a violent little sucker, do you know that! Besides," Mulder proudly held out
Scantily-Clad-Woman's business card. "-She- gave me her info. Tell me she's not interested."
"She's not interested." Mr. Skeptic and Scully chimed.
A clown tumbled over. "Heey-hey! I'm Chester the Cliché Clown! And you just-"
Scully got out her laser-pointer.
Mulder and Mr. Skeptic covered their eyes.
Chester pointed to his little pouty-face and put his hands on his hips. "Now-now. That laser
gag has been used to the point of pointlessness." He threw back his head. "Ho-ho! That last one
was certainly clever of me. Ha-ha!"
"Hey, there's a number on this card!" Mulder cried gleefully.
Chester and Mr. Skeptic suddenly forgot most everything that they were doing. Mr. Skeptic
tugged on a clown-wig.
Scully sighed, rolled her eyes, and tapped her fingers on Mulder's foot.
"Imagine that, guys!" Mulder was saying. "A phone number on a business card. Isn't that great,
Scully."
She set her teeth and flipped on her laser.
"Now, now," Chester said, "What did I tell you about the laser gag--" Suddenly, the
laser-pointer went whipping up and smacked him head-on, right between the eyes. His finger, in
mind-raise, dropped with the rest of him. Thud. Scully opened her hand, and the laser-pointer
fell in her palm. She blew across the top all suave-like.
Mulder, oblivious to most everything around him, gawked at the business card.
"What does it say," Mr. Skeptic said, bouncing on his toes. "What's her name? Read it, read it!"
"Duuh-read?" Mulder asked. However, it soon hit him, and he blubbered out the contents of the
card. "Ahem. For Nights of Erotic Pleasure and other Sexy Things Like That, contact the
Stunning, the Wondrous, the Long-Legged and the All around Good-Looking..."
Mulder paused, and his face went white. Like a Chester on flying-laser-pointer his eyes rolled
back, and he fell flat on his back in a dead faint. Mr. Skeptic and Scully exchanged glances.
Scully, not having much of anything to cling to anymore, slid up to her feet and walked over
Mulder's limp frame, before plucking the card off his chest.
"...Contact the Stunning," Scully read. "The Wondrous, the Long-Legged and the All Around
Good-Looking...Greg."
"Greg?" Mr. Skeptic chortled. "Y-You mean...She's a..."
"Actually," Scully said, "-He's- a--"
Too late. Mr. Skeptic hit the floor.
Scully sighed, dropped her arms... and took an opportunity to kick Mulder in the side.
Expressive therapy.
Mulder followed Scully into the room labeled ~*Some Important Plot Fillers*~ in Last-Minute
Plots, Inc. and rubbed at a strange ache in his side. Scully, meanwhile, was whistling
pleasantly all the while, playing with her laser-pointer. They opened the door and stepped in
to find Phoebe Grey sitting at her computer monitor, head drooped and eyes closed.
"This episode is going to hell." Mulder said.
"Someone important must be in the game-space!" Scully said bleakly, trying to sound scared and
urgent like she was supposed to. Playing with her toy, she ambled toward the desk and looked
over Phoebe's shoulder. "Or not. It's just the Lone Gunmen." She stomped a foot and whined a
little. "Do we have to saaaave them?! I just want to go hoooo-ooome."
Mulder looked at his watch. "We still have twenty minutes left."
"Twenty minutes? You're kidding!"
"Twenty-two minutes, to be exact."
Scully sighed and huffed, crossing her arms over her chest all frumpy-like. "We should have
just gone with the swamp-gas mutant. And don't tell me that I'm wrong, because I'm not."
Mulder pulled out his Polaroid.
Scully snatched it out of his hand and threw it as far as she could before he got a chance to
look at it. Mulder glared at her for a moment or two, and then crossed his arms and huffed as
well, doing a pretty decent imitation of Scully at that point. They stood like that, Mulder
looked at his watch, and then they stood some more.
"Okay," He finally said. "Twenty minutes."
Scully sneered.
"Wake her up, Scully. We need to ask her about..."
"...About Greg?" She finished smugly.
"Just be quiet and wake her up."
Scully, hardly shifting out of her grumpy crossed-armed position, kicked the back of Phoebe's
chair. She went smashing forward, plummeted into her desk, and bounced back. Her head snapped
to and fro, and she woozily looked around the room. Mulder and Scully cleared their throats.
She blinked. "Uh..."
"Howdy," Mulder said.
"What can you tell us to get this thing over with," Scully asked.
"Um..."
Scully pounded a fist into her palm.
"Oh!" Phoebe cried. "Yeah, now I remember! Langly, Frohike and Byers were going to go into the
game and do some nifty technical thing, for no reason other than to get themselves into trouble
and ultimately draw either one or both of you into the game to rescue them before the episode's
through!"
"And oh-mi-gosh!" Phoebe said again, putting a hand on either cheek and making her lips into a
perfect "o" shape as she turned stiffly around and looked at the computer monitor. "The game
started, even though we were supposed to keep it off! It turned itself on, all by itself!
That's so creepy and weird and sooo unpredictable and stuff! They're trapped! Oh, woe! Whatever
are we going to dooo?!"
"Gee, I don't know." Scully muttered.
Mulder puffed out his chest. "I'll save them!"
"Mulder..." Scully started. By this point she had caught sight of the ridiculous pose he had
struck, and whatever whiny argument she had went flying out the window and crashed onto thick
pavement. "Fine. Whatever. Have fun."
"I will, Scully!" Mulder, chest still extended, strutted stiffly out the door.
"I want my goddamn free doughnuts," Scully said.
. . .To Be Continued. . .
Author: Goudess
E-Mail: queequeg01@excite.com
Rating: PG (Some dirty stuff.)
Category: Blecch.
Disclaimer: They aren't mine. Don't sue me.
Summary: Mulder and Scully -continue- to struggle through this fan-fic.
Spoilers: First Person Shooter. There are some references to Monday, Chinga, and The Unnatural.
Author's Note: If you didn't like the first installment, you probably won't like the second.
Sure, it's common logic -- I just thought that it'd be nice to warn you. Anywhoo, enjoy.
First Person Lamer
(The Lack of Talent Isn't Any Less Affordable)
Part Two
"Daryl Mushootme..." Mulder drooled. Like a mouse following Pied Piper, he danced after them.
Scully hoped to hell that the Pied Piper didn't play music from Super Mario Brothers.
"Mulder!" She yelled. "What about me?"
"Um..." Mulder paused, although his feet still tappitied on the floor to the beat. "Why don't
you go do an autopsy or something?"
Scully sighed, and tried not to whine. She failed. "I alwaaaaays have to do the autopsies while
you run off and do all the fun stuff! It's no faaaaaair..."
"Fun stuff?" Mulder retorted. "Are you joking? I mean, what's so fun about chasing after bad
guys and discovering new twists to a mystery. I'd rather be cutting up dead guys anytime!"
Scully put her hands on her hips. "Alright. Go ahead."
"Sculieee! You're supposed to be falling for this reverse-psychology thing!"
She glared.
"Besides, you're the one with a degree. I'm just some halfwit who gets to do stuff."
Byers made a squeaking sound as Mushootme's jacket brushed his elbow.
"Oop, gotta go." Mulder said, catching the very nasty look in her eye.
He narrowly missed a fatally-aimed laser dot.
Scully plopped down next to Dorky-Nerd in the autopsy room. She crossed her legs and swung a
foot tiredly. "Well," She said to the very-quite dead guy. "Looks like it's just you and me."
Dorky-Nerd wasn't much of a conversationalist.
Scully sighed and rolled over a bit, so she could pull the sheet away from his face. He had a
half-dreamy, half 'eek, I just got killed' expression twisting his features. She grabbed his
jaw and moved his lips again, saying in a high-pitched tone. "Fox Mulder is the biggest clod
that I have ever seen. I think we should rename this show the Scully-Files, Dana. Yes I do."
"Thank you, Dorky-Nerd." She replied, as she shifted and jumped off the stretcher. Heaving a
sigh, she brushed her hands on her pants and pulled out a tape recorder. "External
examination -- The deceased is very icky to the touch."
Somewhere, off the set, there was a round of highly sarcastic applause. Scully jeered, and
continued.
"Cause of death..." She walked in a small circle, looking over the remains of Dorky-Nerd. "I'm
guessing it's the giant hole in his chest-" Quickly, she lifted a glare to the potential
applauders.
Mulder walked in. "Hey babe."
Scully raised an eyebrow. "Huh?"
He sat down where Scully had been a few moments earlier, pushing Dorky-Nerd aside a touch to
get comfortable. "So... what have you got?"
Scully made a face at him, and would have made a dry comment if she hadn't noticed that
something was amiss. "Hey... wait a minute... Where's heart-throb Mushootme?"
A gurney conveniently was shoved into the autopsy room, where it slammed into the opposite
wall and rolled into a corner.
Scully raised an eyebrow. "Ow."
Mulder frowned and sat back. "He kinda-sorta got killed."
"By the game?"
"By her." Mulder held up the printout.
He displayed the Scantily-Clad-Woman.
Scully rolled her eyes.
Mulder nodded. "He was so cool looking, too. He did this whole Terminator bit... bambambam...
like a pro... darted through the game without pause... and got hacked up by a really big sword.
She even said something to him."
"What?"
"It was in Japanese... guunyuu o kudasai."
Scully lifted an eyebrow. "What does that mean?"
Mulder twisted his lips. "Roughly, with careful translation, we found that it's basically
equivalent to 'Got Milk?"
Scully made a face.
"Hey, I'm not the one who said it."
Scully heaved a groan and sat down next to him. "I can't see how it could happen."
"You ever see the Matrix?"
Scully looked at him strangely. "Huh?"
Mulder slid her a small paperback. "Adapted from the movie." It had obviously been heavily
studied, judging by the episode writer-shaped salsa fingerprints that stained each page.
"See -- reality is judged by what we perceive, and only that. It says that -everything- is
really nothing more than electrodes that our mind picks up."
"Ahh, gotcha. Thanks."
"No prob."
After a moment she glanced at Mushootme and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Well. What do you
think we are dealing with?"
"You ever see the Matrix?"
She gave him a dirty look. "That won't fly, Mulder."
He sighed and stood up. "Alright, fine... As of now, I can only see one suspect."
"Who?"
He showed her the printout.
Extreme close-up of the Scantily-Clad-Woman.
"Arrg! Will you STOP that!?" Scully cried.
"What, this?" Mulder held up the printout again.
He displayed the Scantily-Clad-Woman.
Scully hissed and made way to kill him, flipping on her laser-pointer.
Mulder eelped. "Eelp!" He took the printout in both hands and held it up in front of his face
for cover.
Extreme close-up of the Scantily-Clad-Woman.
"Mulder!" Scully screeched. It was then when she tore it away from him.
"Scully!" Mulder cried as she darted away.
"Ha-ha!" Scully gloated in a Simpson bully-esque voice.
"Scullieee!" Mulder leaped after her, and they were soon doing a helter-skelter around
Dorky-Nerd's gurney. Scully would dart at one side, Mulder would move to intercept her, and
she'd dart in the other direction, starting the process all over again.
"Scully, that's EVIDENCE!" Mulder said breathlessly. "You can't play keep-away with evidence!"
Scully brushed out of his grasp again and stuck her tongue out at him.
"C'mon, Scully!" Mulder cried again, this time taking another avenue. "Let me have one more
look, and then I'll leave you alone! Promise."
Scully stopped. "Promise?"
Mulder stopped, directly across from her. "Promise." He repeated solemnly.
She lifted her chin graciously and started to hand it over... but being a Scully as she was,
she quickly came to her senses and tore it in two.
Mulder paled. "Scullliee!!"
Spastically she continued to rip it to shreds until it was confetti, and she soon was dropping
it over Dorky-Nerd's body while turning on her heels and storming away to tear a tin of sharp
autopsy implements into her arms.
Mulder turned pale. "Scully! Look what you did!" He pitifully picked up a piece of the printout
and looked at it sadly.
Extreme close-up of Sc--
His lip trembled.
--ad-Woman
of Scantily-Clad Wo--
Scully managed to gloat without losing her scowl... quite a disturbing expression indeed.
Mulder hugged the shards of his printouts to his chest and tried not to sob.
"Oh, cry me a river." Scully scoffed as she pulled the sheet off Mushootme.
"That depends on whether you jump in it or not." Mulder glowered.
Scully sighed. "Oh, come on. It was just a picture. And not even a very good one at that!" She
pulled out a mallet and flipped on her tape recorder. "Prepping for the internal examination."
"You're evil, Scully."
"And I also never have to LOOK at that ridiculous computer-woman again."
Just then Mr. Skeptic walked in. "We have that Computer Woman in custody."
Mulder brightened. "Really! And I didn't even have to do anything! Isn't this great, Scully!"
"But we weren't sure if we had the right one..." Mr. Skeptic continued, "So I brought a Polaroid
photo along just in case."
He held it up.
He displayed the Scantily-Clad Woman.
Scully clenched her mallet.
A plot skip later the Agents were pulling up in front of the Testosterone-Seeping local police
station.
"Ugh, what is that -smell-?" Scully said with an 'ick' etched into her features.
"Men, Scully." Said Mulder. "Icky, smelly men. Pew." He waggled his hands around by the wrists.
Scully gave him a look.
Mr. Skeptic followed them out of the car. There was a mallet-sized bruise in the side of his
head.
"Well, this is it." Mulder said. "Time to meet the killer."
Scully sighed and looked at her watch. "Fat chance. We're only halfway through the episode."
Mr. Skeptic raised a finger. "Now hear me out-"
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." Mulder walked off.
Scully followed.
Inside the police station were a bunch of men in clown costumes. They all waved and honked
little-bike horns in greeting.
"Oop," Mulder said. "Almost forgot." He tugged on a rainbow-colored wig.
Scully gave him wide eyes.
"Check the script, Toots." Mulder said quite nonchalantly, although he was already twisting on
his red rubber-ball nose.
Scully twisted her face. "The subplot?"
"Yup. Males fed by male-like urges."
"...to dress like clowns."
"No!" Mulder threw up his hands. "Are you totally blind! These costumes are just
symbolism -- who needs acting skills when you can just stick some idiot in a clown suit and
be done with it?"
"Oh. I see." Scully rolled her eyes and walked toward the holding area.
Mulder watched her go as something started to push into his mind.
Scully pushed past the cartwheeling merry-men and made her way to the door that was marked
"Interogateshun Roum" in purple crayon.
From behind her she finally heard Mulder blurt. "Heeey! Wait a minute!"
Scully sighed and pushed the door open.
Mulder tore off his wig and stormed in the direction Scully had gone. "Can you believe that
guy, Scully! He has absolutely no respect for us as professionals! I'm a big name actor, here!
I don't stoop to this kind of level, I mean--Ooh! Cotton candy!"
Scully wasn't listening. Sitting before her was the most voluptuous woman she had ever seen.
Mulder came striding in, happy as can be and picking cotton candy off a stick he had obviously
found on the floor, judging by the grit dotting it here and there. "Guess what -I- got, Scu-"
He caught sight of the Scantily-Clad-Woman then, and his jaw suddenly dropped.
The Scantily-Clad-Woman crossed one shapely leg over another.
"--Scully." Mulder finished, although the life had dropped from his voice.
Scantily-Clad-Woman slowly, slowly, traced her tongue along her thick upper lip. "So," She
said. "What's the deal? I've been locked up in here all... night... long..."
"Deal? There's no big deal. You're free to go." Mulder said, hypnotized.
Scully elbowed him.
"Ow, Scully. Watch it. Why are you looking at me like that, Scully? What did I do thi-" He
looked over at Scantily-Clad-Woman and paled. "Erm... I mean... we have to ask you a few
questions."
"Oh. Oh really." She wriggled around in her plastic seat and heaved her upper body forward and
toward them.
(Be suave, Mulder... be suave.) "So," he found himself saying. "Killed anyone inside of
computers lately?"
Scully slapped her forehead.
Scantily-Clad-Woman batted her eyes dumbly.
"Erm, I mean..." Mulder stammered.
"Look. There's a likeness of you inside of this computer game, and the game has caused the
deaths of a bunch of not-so-important guys." Scully said.
"Two..." Mulder said. "Two not-so-important guys."
Scantily-Clad-Woman raised a sculpted brown brow. "Aaand..."
"...And we need a lead..." Scully urged with her hands.
Scantily-Clad-Woman shrugged. "Um, how about... 'A rolling stone gathers no moss...?'"
Scully dropped her arms and gave her a pointed look.
Scantily-Clad-Woman just sat blankly for a moment.
"Last-Minute Plots, Incorporated." Scully finally said, positively disturbed. "Scanning
prograaam..."
Scantily-Clad-Woman narrowed her eyes thoughtfully, and then hefted herself up in order to
tug a wad of toilet paper out from under her bottom. She unfolded it and began to read.
Scully felt her bottom lip tremble.
Mulder craned his neck. "Hey! Hers is written in a darker eyeliner than mine! And -I- can act!"
Scully frowned at him and pulled off his sticky clown nose.
"Oh-oh!" Scantily-Clad-Woman exclaimed. "I got it!"
"And." Scully crossed her arms over her chest.
"It was in the script all along... imagine that!" She laughed.
"Yeah, yeah. Charming. Go on."
"There's this company called Last-Minute-Plots Incorporated. They used this scanning program."
Scully hissed under her breath.
"What?" She asked.
"A little more? Please. We haven't got all night."
"On me. They used this scanning program on me."
"What's a scanning program?" Mulder asked.
"Well, they laid me out naked in this little thing that reminds me of a tanning booth. Then
they let these soft blue lights tingle along every inch of my flesh..."
Mulder let out a squeaking-groan.
"And that did what...?" Scully went on, unaffected.
"Yes, tell us again." Mulder said dreamily. "Maybe even demonstrate."
"Don't listen to him!" Scully snapped. "Just -talk- already!"
A crewman walked past Scantily-Clad-Woman casually, humming a tune. As he fell into step behind
her he silently slipped a sheet torn out of a brown paper bag into her hands. Then, whistling
all the while, he walked off.
Scully sneered and whipped out her laser. Within an instant there was a loud cry and a thud.
Mulder stared vacantly into space.
Scantily-Clad-Woman slowly read what was on the sheet of paper out loud. "Um... Well, here's
the story in a little more detail, on account that I like to help out whenever I can. Said
semi-sarcastically. Okay... um... They paid me money to scan my body, Last-Minute-Plots 'Ink'.
And... um... dangit." She narrowed her eyes and leaned closer. Unfortunately that didn't help
her speed. It took all of Scully's effort not to flip on her laser pointer again. "Um... where
was I. Oh, here -- They paid me money to scan my body... Darn. Already said that. Hold on.
Um..."
Mulder gazed at her airily. "Like words from an angel."
"Um... here... And I guess when they scan my body that means that they can impound.. wait..
not 'impound'..." She narrowed her eyes again. "-Import-. Heh. Silly me. That means they can
import my body into the system, but it's just an image. Not me."
Scully let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you. That's al-"
"And on a further note," Scantily-Clad-Woman continued. "The scanning process affected my
memory and some of my thinking skills. Ad-lib the following. This is why I am not knowing my
lines and keep forgetting how to stay in character. Laughs. What are those little half-circle
thingies, anyway?"
Scully tried to restrain the pulsing in the center of her forehead. "Come on, Mulder. Lets go."
Mulder was like a brick wall. Only more Mulder-ish. "No... Scully... I think we should listen
to what she has to say." His voice was droning and blank.
Scully made a face at the saliva glistening on his lower lip. "She's done, Mulder."
"Oh, no, Scully."
She paused. "Oh no, what?"
"Huh?" Mulder stared at the Scantily-Clad-Woman.
Scully heaved a groan. "Lets -go-."
Scantily-Clad-Woman started to push herself up. "If that's all...?"
"Yes." Scully said as she tugged helplessly at Mulder.
Scantily-Clad-Woman looked strangely at the small redhead hanging off the man's arm, and then
with a twittering grimace she handed Mulder a business card. "If you need my services."
Mulder stared blankly at her.
And she strode away.
Scully felt herself being dragged across the floor. To her right and to her left were dancing
clowns and juggling pins, an array of color and... testosterone.
Mulder continued to follow the Scantily-Clad-Woman. However, he felt himself jerked to a stop
by a heavy appendage at his backside. He slowly turned around and looked to find Scully lodged
between two desks, still clinging to his leg.
"M-Mulder..." She gasped.
"Scully! Move! I have to get that girl's telephone number!"
Scully rolled her eyes as best she could under the pain. "Uh-huh."
Mr. Skeptic skipped over. "What she's trying to say is, the possibilities with someone like you
and someone like her -ever- connecting is equivalent to Mulder dying four times in one episode."
"Um... that happened to us already."
Mr. Skeptic blinked twice. "Oh, uh... Attacks by killer dolls?"
"Nope." Scully shook her head.
"Aliens playing baseball?"
"Nice try."
Mr. Skeptic threw up his hands. "Okay, it's about as probable as this episode bringing up
ratings."
"Aaah..." Scully nodded and whacked Mulder's calf from where she was on the floor. "You hear
that, Mulder. When pigs fly!"
"I think that's going to be an episode in Season 8, Sc-OW!" Mulder hissed and jumped on one
foot. "You're a violent little sucker, do you know that! Besides," Mulder proudly held out
Scantily-Clad-Woman's business card. "-She- gave me her info. Tell me she's not interested."
"She's not interested." Mr. Skeptic and Scully chimed.
A clown tumbled over. "Heey-hey! I'm Chester the Cliché Clown! And you just-"
Scully got out her laser-pointer.
Mulder and Mr. Skeptic covered their eyes.
Chester pointed to his little pouty-face and put his hands on his hips. "Now-now. That laser
gag has been used to the point of pointlessness." He threw back his head. "Ho-ho! That last one
was certainly clever of me. Ha-ha!"
"Hey, there's a number on this card!" Mulder cried gleefully.
Chester and Mr. Skeptic suddenly forgot most everything that they were doing. Mr. Skeptic
tugged on a clown-wig.
Scully sighed, rolled her eyes, and tapped her fingers on Mulder's foot.
"Imagine that, guys!" Mulder was saying. "A phone number on a business card. Isn't that great,
Scully."
She set her teeth and flipped on her laser.
"Now, now," Chester said, "What did I tell you about the laser gag--" Suddenly, the
laser-pointer went whipping up and smacked him head-on, right between the eyes. His finger, in
mind-raise, dropped with the rest of him. Thud. Scully opened her hand, and the laser-pointer
fell in her palm. She blew across the top all suave-like.
Mulder, oblivious to most everything around him, gawked at the business card.
"What does it say," Mr. Skeptic said, bouncing on his toes. "What's her name? Read it, read it!"
"Duuh-read?" Mulder asked. However, it soon hit him, and he blubbered out the contents of the
card. "Ahem. For Nights of Erotic Pleasure and other Sexy Things Like That, contact the
Stunning, the Wondrous, the Long-Legged and the All around Good-Looking..."
Mulder paused, and his face went white. Like a Chester on flying-laser-pointer his eyes rolled
back, and he fell flat on his back in a dead faint. Mr. Skeptic and Scully exchanged glances.
Scully, not having much of anything to cling to anymore, slid up to her feet and walked over
Mulder's limp frame, before plucking the card off his chest.
"...Contact the Stunning," Scully read. "The Wondrous, the Long-Legged and the All Around
Good-Looking...Greg."
"Greg?" Mr. Skeptic chortled. "Y-You mean...She's a..."
"Actually," Scully said, "-He's- a--"
Too late. Mr. Skeptic hit the floor.
Scully sighed, dropped her arms... and took an opportunity to kick Mulder in the side.
Expressive therapy.
Mulder followed Scully into the room labeled ~*Some Important Plot Fillers*~ in Last-Minute
Plots, Inc. and rubbed at a strange ache in his side. Scully, meanwhile, was whistling
pleasantly all the while, playing with her laser-pointer. They opened the door and stepped in
to find Phoebe Grey sitting at her computer monitor, head drooped and eyes closed.
"This episode is going to hell." Mulder said.
"Someone important must be in the game-space!" Scully said bleakly, trying to sound scared and
urgent like she was supposed to. Playing with her toy, she ambled toward the desk and looked
over Phoebe's shoulder. "Or not. It's just the Lone Gunmen." She stomped a foot and whined a
little. "Do we have to saaaave them?! I just want to go hoooo-ooome."
Mulder looked at his watch. "We still have twenty minutes left."
"Twenty minutes? You're kidding!"
"Twenty-two minutes, to be exact."
Scully sighed and huffed, crossing her arms over her chest all frumpy-like. "We should have
just gone with the swamp-gas mutant. And don't tell me that I'm wrong, because I'm not."
Mulder pulled out his Polaroid.
Scully snatched it out of his hand and threw it as far as she could before he got a chance to
look at it. Mulder glared at her for a moment or two, and then crossed his arms and huffed as
well, doing a pretty decent imitation of Scully at that point. They stood like that, Mulder
looked at his watch, and then they stood some more.
"Okay," He finally said. "Twenty minutes."
Scully sneered.
"Wake her up, Scully. We need to ask her about..."
"...About Greg?" She finished smugly.
"Just be quiet and wake her up."
Scully, hardly shifting out of her grumpy crossed-armed position, kicked the back of Phoebe's
chair. She went smashing forward, plummeted into her desk, and bounced back. Her head snapped
to and fro, and she woozily looked around the room. Mulder and Scully cleared their throats.
She blinked. "Uh..."
"Howdy," Mulder said.
"What can you tell us to get this thing over with," Scully asked.
"Um..."
Scully pounded a fist into her palm.
"Oh!" Phoebe cried. "Yeah, now I remember! Langly, Frohike and Byers were going to go into the
game and do some nifty technical thing, for no reason other than to get themselves into trouble
and ultimately draw either one or both of you into the game to rescue them before the episode's
through!"
"And oh-mi-gosh!" Phoebe said again, putting a hand on either cheek and making her lips into a
perfect "o" shape as she turned stiffly around and looked at the computer monitor. "The game
started, even though we were supposed to keep it off! It turned itself on, all by itself!
That's so creepy and weird and sooo unpredictable and stuff! They're trapped! Oh, woe! Whatever
are we going to dooo?!"
"Gee, I don't know." Scully muttered.
Mulder puffed out his chest. "I'll save them!"
"Mulder..." Scully started. By this point she had caught sight of the ridiculous pose he had
struck, and whatever whiny argument she had went flying out the window and crashed onto thick
pavement. "Fine. Whatever. Have fun."
"I will, Scully!" Mulder, chest still extended, strutted stiffly out the door.
"I want my goddamn free doughnuts," Scully said.
. . .To Be Continued. . .