Disclaimer: I may or may not be JK Rowling and/or Jim Starlin. That's right- I bet you didn't know that Stan Lee didn't actually create every single Marvel character. ;)

Author's Note: It looks like year 4 will probably be at least 4 or so parts long, just because of how much stuff there is in Goblet of Fire for Beefcake Harry to screw up in his usual goofy way. Hope you all enjoy!

"It was a pretty mellow year, for the most part," Harry shrugged. "After I killed that skeletal dude on the train anyway."

"No great adventures?" Thanos asked.

"Not really. I guess maybe the thing with the hippogriff could sort of count, but it was really easy. Hermione had this time turner thing, so we just sneaked out, set him loose, then went back and had perfect alibis in case anyone tried to accuse us of stuff. We won at quidditch too, so that was cool."

"A time turner, you say?"

"Yeah, it was like a weird little clock that she wore like a necklace. Hermione's too much of a nerd though," Harry snorted. "She just used it to go to more classes. That's so fucking lame. Man, if I had one of those, I could train more and spend more time with my honeys."

"It is wise to remember to balance work and play," Thanos nodded. "How are your girls doing?"

"Pretty good. We're going on vacation next week. Sirius decided I needed a really great birthday for once, so he's taking us all to this private tropical island his family owns. I'm just glad his tour is done and he didn't end up in prison again. As for Padma and Parvati, well..." Harry blushed and started to grin. "I hope we can get some privacy from her parents, you know? I mean... this spring..." Harry smiled with a vacant look in his eyes. "Boobies."

Thanos chuckled. "Indeed, breasts are marvelous."

"Yeah," Harry said, still staring off into the distance.

"Well, I do have some news of my own," Thanos said, getting up and walking over to the safe where he kept the Infinity Gauntlet while he was busy running the gym. He carried it back over to his protege, who was finally brought out of his hormone induced delirium. "Behold, my newest acquisition- the Time Gem."

"Time... so it can do stuff like that time turner?"

"That and more."

"Is there any chance you could hook me up with one of those?" Harry asked. "More time would be frickin' sweet, you know?"

Thanos boomed out a deep, rumbling laugh. "I'll tell you what, young Harry. The next time you have a properly exciting adventure, I'll consider it. But, what of your new classes?"

"Eh, Care of Magical Creatures was pretty cool," he shrugged. "Hagrid's the teacher, and he's a cool dude. I also took Divination, which was kinda lame. Parvati likes it a lot, so that makes it more fun at least. But the teacher's this nutty old hippy looking chick and she seems like she's drunk or something half of the time."

"One should never take the realm of prophecy for granted," Thanos instructed. "It is one of the oldest, deepest, and most mysterious forms of magic in all the cosmos."

"So, like fortune telling is real?" Harry asked with disbelief written all over his face.

"Not always. Not even most of the time, but there are true prophets out there. Who knows?" Thanos got a speculative look in his eyes. "Maybe there has even been something of the sort that predicted your coming. You are the boy-who-lived, are you not?"

"I guess."

"Don't worry too much over it; things like that tend to work themselves out, one way or another." Thanos patted Harry on the shoulder and went to lock up his gauntlet once again. "I hope you enjoy yourself on this vacation you've got coming up. But before that, let's see if you can beat your previous record for deadlifting."

Priya Patil had been having a lovely summer so far. Her girls had blossomed into beautiful young women and seemed to be quite happy with their boyfriend, the one and only Harry Potter. The boy who lived hadn't been quite what she expected, and yet despite his occasionally strange behavior, it was clear that he adored her daughters. The fact that Harry had saved Padma's life at the end of their first year at Hogwarts definitely improved Priya's view of him, and the way he had killed a Dementor when it had threatened all three of them was another point in his favor.

She was still somewhat concerned about the twins sharing a boyfriend, but according to Padma, they needed each other's help to keep Harry from getting into too much trouble or doing too many ridiculously dangerous things. Considering he had faced off with a thousand year old basilisk, Priya had to admit she probably had a point.

Unfortunately, Chandra Patil was still not pleased about his daughters dating a boy. Priya had hoped he would have gotten used to it by now, but Harry was a far cry from 'a good, traditional boy from back home.' Priya knew that was likely some small part of the appeal of Harry, but her husband was much more conservative and out of touch with the girls.

All things considered, the time spent on this gorgeous tropical island was going well though. Priya had kept her husband busy so that he wouldn't complain too much about the three teenagers playing in the ocean together. With it being Harry's birthday, they had all enjoyed the wonderful meal and cake provided by a rather odd little house-elf named Dobby who clearly doted on Harry. His small, worn toga could have definitely used a cleaning, as Priya had wondered if it was actually blood on it or something that had been spilled in the kitchen.

But late at night, she heard a moaning that made her get out of bed. Her husband was a heavy sleeper, and in this case, Priya had an inkling that it was very much a good thing.

She crept out into the hall of the large old house they were staying in on the island. They were on the second floor of the north wing, and the girls were sharing a room just down the hall. And sure enough, that's where the moaning was coming from.

Priya rolled her eyes and left a sound dampening charm on the door to her bedroom. There was no way she wanted Chandra to get involved.

Creeping down the hall, she worried over how she should deal with this. They were fourteen now, so she wasn't too surprised by the behavior, although she would have preferred to not have the evidence so blatantly assaulting her ears. 'The burdens of being a mother to teenagers,' Priya thought with a sigh.

Quietly opening the door, she got visual confirmation, even if it was a lot more than she had anticipated. One of her daughters was lying on the bed with Harry's head between her legs- and very much enjoying herself judging by the sounds. Her other daughter was kneeling by the side of the bed and showing Harry an equally good time.

Priya shut the door, feeling her cheeks flush and her breath accelerating. 'Now what do I do?' she wondered. The twins' older brother had never caused trouble like this, and she was very happy that there weren't any younger siblings to deal with either. If she could just manage a few more years with her girls, hopefully without them giving her an ulcer, it would be a miracle.

"Oh, fuck yes!" Parvati cried out, breaking Priya's train of thought.

'Well, at least Harry has some idea what he's doing,' she thought, stifling her inclination to giggle. 'Stop it, I have to be serious so that I can handle this.'

A groan from Harry a moment later and her mind was made up. Priya knocked at the door. "I'm giving you thirty seconds to cover yourselves and then I'm coming in there."

Counting out those thirty seconds was enough for Priya to get her thoughts under control. It was also more than a little nerve wracking. Prying the door open, she peered inside. All three of them were sitting in bed, with the covers pulled up over their waists, and she forced herself not to consider if they had bothered to get fully dressed.

At least her girls were blushing up a storm, looking thoroughly mortified at getting caught. Harry, on the other hand, was grinning like he'd won the lottery.

"Having fun, are we?" she asked.

"Well, not at the moment," he shrugged.

"Harry!" Padma hissed, smacking him on the arm. "Now is not the time for being sarcastic!"

"Sorry," he mumbled, although he couldn't stop smiling.

"You're lucky we put up with you," Padma scowled. Parvati just sighed and leaned against his right side while Harry wrapped his arm around her.

"I hope you know that my daughter is right, Mr. Potter," Priya added. "Any boy would be very lucky to date either of my girls, let alone both of them."

"I know," he agreed. "They're the best."

"I have four questions," she said. "First of all, is he treating you right?"

"Of course," Parvati replied while Padma added, "Yes mum."

"Good," she nodded at her girls. "And Harry hasn't pressured you into anything either?"

"No."

Harry snorted. "It was their idea."

Padma covered her face in her hands and Parvati slapped his chest and hissed at him. "Our mother does not need to know that, you moron!"

"Uh, sorry?"

"Yes, well, let's try to keep any unneeded information to ourselves, shall we?" Priya continued, trying to keep a straight face. "Next question, from what I saw earlier, I am hopeful that you have not yet gotten to actual intercourse, correct?"

"No, mum," Parvati answered.

"Good." Priya was going to have a much longer conversation with the girls about that soon, but she would wait until it was just the three of them. "Finally, why didn't you use a Silencing Charm?"

Padma gasped and looked up at her, while Parvati started to smile.

"We are thousands of miles from home, so there's no reason to worry about being caught for underage magic," Priya grinned slightly. "I hope you all know how much worse this would have been if your father was the one that heard what was going on."

Parvati gulped and nodded while Padma mumbled, "Yes mum."

"Good, then let's keep it that way," Priya nodded and then turned to leave. "Because if you are foolish enough to be caught by my husband, I will do nothing to help. Understand?"

"Yes mum," both girls replied.

"Excellent." Before she stepped outside, Priya focused on Harry with a glare. "If you hurt my girls, I will make sure that you are the last Potter. Got it?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good night," Priya said. She winked, and just before she closed the door, she said, "Happy birthday, Harry."

She heard all three of them let out their breaths and waited for a moment before going back to bed.

"Your mum is really cool," Harry chuckled.

"Yes, but she was right though," Padma said. "Our father would have freaked out if he found us like this."

"You heard mum, sis," Parvati added. "We'll just have to make sure he doesn't catch us."

"Let me get my wand, and I'll do the Silencing Charm," Padma said.

"I don't have to sneak back to my room, then?"

"I haven't had my turn yet," Padma giggled. "So don't even think about it."

As the sounds from the bedroom ceased, Priya laughed to herself. 'Crisis mostly solved.' Now she would just have to make sure that she had a very long discussion with the twins when they got home. And she would make sure they both knew the Contraceptive Charm like the back of their hands before she let them head back to Hogwarts. There was no way she was going to become a grandmother before she hit forty.

"Are you really going to make me practice that spell every single day?" Harry whined as they walked through the grounds full of tents surrounding the Quidditch World Cup stadium.

Sirius just laughed. "Of course. Don't you think there's a reason that there aren't any little Sirius juniors running around?"

"Yeah, but I can do it already."

"Practice makes perfect," Sirius grinned. "Besides, I'm pretty sure that if you knock one of those girls up (or Merlin forbid, both of them) when you're this young, then your mum is going to figure out how to come back from the dead so she can skin me alive. No thank you! I might not know everything about being a godfather, but no kids when you're still in school is an easy enough lesson that I should be able to handle it."

"Fine," Harry huffed. "But we haven't even gotten to that yet."

"One day you will, and you have to be prepared. I don't want to be a god-grandfather any time soon."

"Is that even a thing?"

"It is now," Sirius replied.

"Whatever, dude."

"This is all your fault, you know," Sirius grinned at his scowling godson. "If Priya hadn't caught the three of you, I would likely be less strict. But that showed poor planning on your part, Harry. And poor planning can lead to little accidents that stick around for the rest of your life."

"Yeah, bro, I get it," Harry said. "I'm not ready to be a dad, duh."

"Good, and don't you forget it," Sirius nodded. "Plus, remember the rest of that lesson. Cast it every day at the same time so that you get in the habit and never, ever forget."

"Yeah, dude, whatever. I'll do it at breakfast then."

"Why breakfast?" Sirius asked.

"It's the most important meal of the day," Harry said. "Gotta get enough food to keep your energy up and your uh... metabolism, something, something..."

"Metabolism?"

"I don't know all the big science-y stuff, I just remember what the Thicc Daddy taught me," Harry shrugged.

"Fair enough," Sirius answered, holding back his grin. He could just imagine the reaction to Harry casting a Contraceptive Charm in the middle of the Great Hall. If only he could be there to watch, but sometimes you just had to let a good prank go and hope to hear about the results later. Still, he was going to have to tell Remus about this later.

"Oh crap," Harry muttered, stepping behind Sirius. "I need a Notice-Me-Not Charm, immediately."

"Why?"

"See all those gingers?"

Along the path they were on, sure enough there was a family full of redheads. Sirius nodded and replied. "Sure, what about them?"

"That's the Weasleys."

"Enemies of yours?" Sirius asked, not remembering any stories of such a thing.

"No, I don't hate them or anything," Harry answered. "But the youngest is this girl Ginny, and she is like obsessed with me. I don't want to deal with that without Parvati here to run her off."

"It's too bad the girls weren't interested in coming with us. But why just Parvati?"

"Ginny's in Gryffindor with us, and Parvati likes to defend her territory," Harry grinned. "Have you ever had girls get in a catfight over you? It's totally hot! I swear, the next time she does that, I'll have to reward Parvati with... um, never mind."

Chuckling at his blushing godson, Sirius relented and cast a spell to help Harry not stick out so they could escape the Weasley family. "Reward her with what, exactly?"

"I don't think I'm supposed to talk about stuff like that."

"Come on, Harry," Sirius smirked. "I will get it out of you one way or another. You know, James and I used to talk about stuff like that all the time. I could always tell you about the things your parents did when they were young."

"No! I'll talk!"

Sirius just laughed. "Alright then- so, reward her with what?"

"Okay, like did I tell you about being a parselmouth?"

"I think you mentioned something about it. Why?"

"Apparently, in India, it is a much sought after skill. There's lots of snakes there, I guess?" Harry shrugged, then blushed again. "But, um, Parvati knew about another reason why... and it turns out that if you hiss just right while... you know, going down on a girl... then it's really great or something."

Sirius howled with laughter. "No wonder you've got two pretty girls, you bloody, little prat."

"Dude, I'm bigger than you," Harry protested. And after his most recent growth spurt, he was just a smidge taller than Sirius. Of course, he outweighed his slender godfather by quite a lot too.

"I'm just saying, now I can totally see why they're willing to share you." Sirius wiped a tear and tried to stop laughing. "Oh man, you are living the dream, Harry. Don't blow it with those girls."

"Why would I do that? They're my honeys."

"Normally, I would not be in favor of you settling for the first girl that catches your eye," Sirius shook his head while still grinning. "Your dad was crazy like that too, you know? But for pretty little identical twins, rules can be broken." He took a deep breath and looked back at Harry. "But, do you love them?"

Harry scowled. "We're not supposed to talk about mushy stuff like that."

"Girls love mushy stuff like that," Sirius scolded him. "You need to be able to tell them just how much they mean to you, especially with your relationship getting more serious. Not just physically, because that's obvious, but those girls will expect you to show your appreciation. A girl's first time is supposed to be special, and if you don't treat them right, there will be hell to pay, Harry. This is one of those occasions where you should learn from this old dog's mistakes and take my advice. Do something above and beyond whenever you take that step."

"Yeah, fine, whatever," Harry grumbled. "Look, can we just talk about... fart jokes or something? Besides, don't we need to get to our seats soon?"

"We're almost there. See that orange post? Up those stairs is where we're headed."

Seeing him nod, Sirius let them walk in silence for a minute. He wanted to make sure that this talk sunk in; Priya Patil had been more than a little scary when she had told him that they needed to talk about Harry and the girls. Sirius didn't like being serious like that, especially not when the foxy woman he was talking to was off limits, but the fact that she was convinced that she was going to be Harry's mother in law someday in the future was extra terrifying.

To be fair, she may have had a point. Harry had been dating the twins ever since that first train ride to Hogwarts three years prior. It was not something that Sirius could really understand- monogamy and commitment both sounded like dirty words to his ears- but his godson was definitely happy, so it was just something he was going to have to get used to.

Still, no woman would ever tie down Sirius Black!

Unfortunately, his ruminations were broken by seeing one of his cousins and her awful family. And even worse, they were heading for the same stairway. Oh well, at least Harry should make this funny even if Sirius should probably try to remain polite. "Hello, Cissy."

"Sirius," Narcissa Malfoy nodded slightly at him.

"Damn, Draco! Your other mum is even hotter!"

Sirius chortled but kept himself mostly in control. Harry really was the best.

"You shut up about my mum!" Draco yelled.

"Which one?" Harry asked.

Even Narcissa seemed mildly amused. "Draco, remember your manners. Now, do be a dear and offer a proper introduction."

Draco sulked and Sirius kept on grinning. "This is my mother, Narcissa Malfoy, and my father, Lucius Malfoy. Mother, this is Harry Potter, the so-called boy who lived."

"We've already met," Luscious hissed. Harry focused only on the prettier woman instead of the creepy lady of the night.

"Yes, I do seem to have heard about him before," Narcissa smirked. "Wasn't he also the young man who killed a basilisk, as well as being the first known slayer of a Dementor? You have my thanks for that, Mr. Potter. Those dreadful things should be wiped out."

"It was no big deal," Harry replied, taking her hand and lightly kissing just above the knuckles. "Whatever it takes to bring a smile to such a beautiful woman. And please, call me Harry."

Narcissa laughed. "So charming! Wherever did you learn such a thing? I know it can't have been with my slovenly cousin."

"You two are cousins?" he asked. "Wow, Sirius. You really sold your family short when you were talking about them."

"We didn't get along."

"That's putting it mildly," Narcissa added with a smirk aimed at Sirius.

"We need to get to our seats," Draco whined. "The match is about to start."

"Why don't you two go ahead then," Narcissa suggested.

"But-"

"I'm sure cousin Sirius can escort me once we've had a few moments to catch up," she said. "Or perhaps the gallant young Harry could do so?"

"Of course, it would be my pleasure," Harry agreed.

"Don't be late," Luscious said with a glare.

"Don't worry so much, darling," Narcissa said as she patted her on the hand and waved the other two Malfoys off. Once they were out of ear shot, she turned back to Harry. "Now, what's this about Draco having two mothers?"

"Well, I don't want to insult your choice in a wife," Harry began with a small grimace. "But Luscious has kinda flirted with me in the past. I mean, you must know the way she saunters around and gets all pouty and stuff. Plus, every time I've seen her, she's done that hair flip thing that girls do, and my honeys taught me that it's a sign that the girl is interested in me. And on top of that, Draco's always going on about how she works with rich wizards, and, I don't know, I wouldn't think he should be so proud of a mum that makes her money like that.

"Anyway, I just hope, for your sake, that Luscious hasn't given you a bad reputation."

"Or anything else," Sirius interjected with a snort, earning a glare from his dear cousin Cissy.

"I'll make sure that my spouse hasn't brought anything home that could negatively affect me," she replied with a smirk. "And I do know what you mean about Luscious' hair."

"Well, I've never been into blondes," Harry shrugged. "Or older ladies, for that matter." He grinned and then winked at her. "Of course, you might make me change my mind."

Narcissa laughed softly. "You may be cute, Harry, but it would take more than that to interest me."

"Could I start by properly escorting you to your seat?" he asked, holding out an arm.

"I suppose you should prove yourself a gentleman," she agreed. "Sirius, it was lovely to see you."

"Harry-"

"Yeah, I'll find you in a little bit."

Sirius was waiting a few minutes later when Harry returned. "What was that all about with Narcissa? Do I need to have a talk with the girls?"

"Dude, that was nothing," Harry laughed. "But can you imagine how much fun it's going to be giving Draco a hard time about his other, hotter mum this year? Trash talking that little snot in quidditch can't come soon enough. Plus, Luscious is a skank, and getting in a dig with her wife's help was brilliant."

Sirius snorted. "Just be somewhat careful with Luscious in the future. Bastard was a Death Eater back in the day, so don't take... her for granted, alright?"

"Yeah, no problem." Harry scratched his head. "Maybe I can talk McG into giving me some more private lessons for that stuff this year. You know, I've got my sword, but that's only good for up close fighting. Learning more ranged attacks would be cool. I'm still bummed that you wouldn't let me wear my sword here."

"It's safe back in the tent with Dobby," Sirius said. "Besides, we've got people high up in the ministry nearby, and they tend to frown on people walking around with weapons like that."

"Dude, we all walk around with wands," Harry pointed out. "They're deadly weapons."

"I never said wizards had common sense," Sirius snorted. "Besides, I try my best to be as nonsensical as possible. So, don't make me ruin my reputation by being serious."

Harry rolled his eyes at the expected name pun. "You're a serious bastard."

"And proud of it!" Sirius grinned. There was a roar from the crowd. "It's going to start soon."

Harry stepped forward to the rail and looked down at the field, where he saw a group of incredibly beautiful women, all of them blonde, tall, and with the curves to make even swimsuit models envious. "Woah!"

"Woah is right," Sirius agreed with a sigh. "What I wouldn't give for a chance with a Veela."

"What's a Veela?"

"Those sexy babes."

"But, aren't they-"

"Just watch, Harry."

But how could watching ever be enough? The way they danced, their bodies undulating, and all that perfection on display made Harry want to fly down there and do whatever it would take to be worthy of such goddesses. Next to him, Sirius' tongue was wagging, even in human form.

Within a few seconds, much of the crowd was similarly entranced, the spell of the gorgeous women only breaking when a group of rowdy leprechauns charged the field. The Veela responded by shifting forms, turning into large bird-like humans, complete with wings, feathers, wicked looking talons... and balls of flame that they hurled at the little people.

"Still hot," Harry insisted with a groan.

"Yeah, I'd bang one, even if it would be hard to kiss a bird who was that much of a bird," Sirius nodded while watching the scuffle quickly subside.

"I guess I'm rooting for the Bulgarians then."

"Me too, Harry. Me too."

It was a couple of hours later, and they were back at the tent with a few witches and members of the Hobgoblins who were passing a bottle around. One of them offered it to Harry who shook his head.

"Come on lad, it'll put hair on your chest."

"No thanks."

"Don't be lame, Harry," Sirius teased.

"Screw you, bro. I remember the last time you tricked me into drinking tequila!" Harry grumbled. "Never again."

"Wuss," his godfather snorted as he took a swig and then passed it on.

Unfortunately, the festivities were broken up by screams coming from outside. Harry grabbed his sword and fled the tent, eager to find some new form of adventure. Sirius hurried and stumbled after him. "What's going on? Oh shit!"

Coming their way was a group of wizards dressed all in hooded black robes, with masks covering their faces. Sirius couldn't believe these Death Eater scumbags decided to ruin a good party like that.

"Who are they?" Harry asked.

"Fucking Death Eaters," Sirius growled.

"Cool," Harry nodded. "I haven't had a chance to deal with any bad guys in awhile."

He ran towards the terrorists, and Sirius was briefly too shocked to stop him. "Come back here, you little maniac!"

Padfoot made an appearance, as it seemed likely the only way he could catch up with his godson. Just as they reached the men in black, Harry drew his sword and let out what could only be called a battle cry. "There can be only one!"

The grim bounded into the middle of the group after Harry, who had already slashed a couple of the stunned Death Eaters. Sirius barked and bit down on one of them. 'Ha! Serves the bastards right, to actually have someone bring the violence to them for a change.'

One of the Death Eaters responded with a killing curse, but in close quarters, he learned how that could be a bad idea. Harry had just nearly beheaded one of his colleagues and was in the process of spinning around to find a new target as the green light hit the terrorist right behind him.

Panic ensued as most of the Death Eaters scrambled for portkeys or apparated away. One of them left behind his wand and most of an arm. Three were already dead and four more were wounded.

"Oof!" Harry grunted as he caught the youngest of the four muggles that the Death Eaters had been spinning high in the air.

The little girl looked up and smiled at him despite the bit of blood splashed on his chin. "Did you really kill the bad guys with your sword?"

"Of course," he grinned. "That's what heroes do, right?"

"Uh huh," she nodded.

"What in the name of Merlin!"

Harry and his passenger turned to see a ministry official rushing forward, sputtering at the carnage all around them.

Boy Who Lived Saves the Day!

By Rita Skeeter

Once again, Harry Potter has triumphed over evil. That's right ladies and gentlemen, our brave national hero came upon a crowd of people dressed as Death Eaters (some reports say as many as one hundred of them, if you can believe that!) and he fearlessly tread into the midst of them bearing the fabled sword of Godric Gryffindor himself.

He is personally credited with defeating half a dozen of them, although in the chaos of things, most of the terrorists fled before the aurors could arrive.

Not only that, but he also saved a young girl who had been tormented by the Death Eaters, catching her when she fell from a great height. I'm sure many witches out there probably wish they could have found themselves in his arms after the battle was over. Mr. Potter is definitely a treasure.

Questions must be asked though:

Where were the aurors?

Why didn't such an enormous international event have proper security?

How deep does the corruption go?

That last one is brought even further to mind when one of those Harry Potter felled turned out to be Walden Macnair, formerly of the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures. Any question of Macnair's guilt was quickly brushed aside by the infamous Dark Mark tattoo on his forearm. A killer walked among the ministry for the many years since the fall of you know who. Because of that fact, one more question must be asked.

How many others might there be?

Parvati sighed as she left the paper to her sister. Padma kept muttering to herself, "he must be insane" as she read further. Parvati was just happy that everything had gone alright.

And she was definitely going to frame that cover photo of Harry with his sword in hand and his other arm around the young muggle girl.

Harry happily stowed their trunks as they got on the train going back to Hogwarts for another year. He'd had a fun summer, but he was glad to be back with his honeys. Padma seemed pretty quiet for some reason though.

Turning around, Parvati smiled at him and pecked him on the cheek, then headed for the door. "I'm going to go catch up with Lavender for some girl talk. You need to sit down and let Padma yell at you for a bit."

"Huh?" Harry scratched his head and sat down.

Padma stood up, used her wand to close and lock the door, and then fired a silencing charm at it. She turned back to him with a glare. "YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!"

"What? Oh, the thing at the World Cup? That was no big deal," Harry shrugged. "Just a few bad guys that didn't know how to fight."

"Are you completely insane?" Padma yelled. "Those were Death Eaters! Blood thirsty psychopathic killers! And you attacked them with that bloody sword!"

"My sword is awesome," Harry grinned. "It's apparently got some sort of one hit kill ability too. Which is sort of cheap, but then again, so is the killing curse, usually, so I figure that evens things out."

"What is wrong with you?" Padma replied. "Did you not hear me when I said that you could have been killed?"

"Babe, it's alright," Harry stood up and pulled her into a hug. Padma stiffened at first but then returned the embrace, squeezing him tighter than she usually did. "I'm not gonna let some two bit evil wizard douchebags beat me in a fight. Besides, we won, and this means if they ever try to pull some of that sort of crap again, there'll be less of them around to cause trouble."

"It only takes one lucky shot, and you could die, Harry."

"You're not getting rid of me that easy," he teased. "Sirius did bug me about coming up with a better battle cry, though, so maybe you can help me with that."

Padma's breath hitched, and Harry was worried for a second that she was crying, but then he heard her start to giggle. "You really are incorrigible." She sighed and shook her head. "Alright, fine, let's sit down and you can tell me all about this battle cry thing."

Harry nodded and Padma curled up on the seat next to him. Judging by how close she was, he guessed that she was feeling more needy than usual, so he slung his arm around her and tried to help her relax. "Right, so what I used was 'There can be only one.' From Highlander, you know?"

"No, I don't. What is the highlander?"

"It's this awesome movie about immortal dudes who fight with swords," Harry said with a smile. "It's got Sean Connery- you know, James Bond, right? Only he's supposed to be playing a Spanish guy, but he still sounded kinda Scottish to me. The main guy is the Highlander, because he's from Scotland, and all of them are trying to be the last immortal. But the only way they can be killed is if they cut off their heads, and then they say, 'There can be only one.' There's also this bad guy, this huge badass dude called the Kurgan. He has this line that I was going to use where he says, 'Tonight you sleep in hell,' which is pretty hardcore, you know?

"But the thing is, right after he kills a dude and says that, he also rapes the main guy's wife." Harry grimaced and shook his head. "That's really, really not cool. So, I couldn't use one of his lines after that. But Sirius says I need to come up with something better."

"Why would you be so set on using something from a movie about immortal swordsmen anyway?"

"I mean, maybe I am immortal," Harry said with a smirk.

"Don't be ridiculous," Padma scoffed.

"No, I mean, think about it for a minute. I'm the only person to ever survive the killing curse, right? And I survived basilisk venom, which is supposed to be able to kill someone almost instantly. On top of that, last year I killed that Dementor thing, which was also supposed to be impossible. Maybe I'm just too cool to die."

Padma slapped his chest and then leaned back to look him in the eye. "Don't go thinking something as crazy and dangerous as that, Harry. You'll only get yourself killed, and then Parvati and I will have to find some other guys to drag off to broom closets. You wouldn't like that, now would you?"

"Don't worry, babe," Harry chuckled. "I'm not going anywhere."

"You promise?" she asked in a quiet, worried voice.

"Hey," he leaned down and kissed her. "I promise."

It took quite a lot of snogging for Harry to get Padma in a good mood- and the promise that he would later use his special tongue on her as soon as possible- but by the time Parvati had returned, things were mostly back to normal.

That lasted until the announcements at the Opening Feast.

First, the Evil Headmaster of Doom canceled quidditch. Harry was the first to stand and protest. "You can't cancel quidditch! This place will be boring as hell without the one sport you let us play. You suck Dumbledore!"

There were a few gasps at Harry's proclamation while McG covered her face and sighed. The twinkly-eyed wonder only smiled though. "Why yes, I do, Mr. Potter. And I've been told I'm quite good at it in the past, if I do say so myself. However, unfortunately, we will have something else going on this year to preclude quidditch, that being the return of the Triwizard Tournament.

"Next month, we will have guests from the schools of Beauxbatons and Durmstrang who will be joining us for this prestigious event," Dumbledore continued. "One champion from each school will be selected to compete in trials that will test their bravery, intelligence, hard work, and cunning. I'm sorry to say that we just won't have the time to schedule a quidditch season with the tournament going on.

"And one final note-"

The door to the Great Hall banged open and a grizzled older man stomped in, with one magical bright blue eye spinning wildly. Harry sat down while he watched the new dude make his way towards the staff table.

"I would like to announce the arrival of our new Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor, the one and only Alastor Moody."

Harry leaned in to whisper in Parvati's ear. "Hey babe, I got a question for you. Chicks dig scars, right?"

She rolled her eyes and turned to him. "I don't and most of the girls I know don't. So, no."

"But what about this?" he asked, pointing to his famous lightning bolt. "I know chicks dig me."

"It's not because that thing makes you hotter, you doofus," she giggled. "Your muscles are a much bigger factor. Those big, emerald eyes of yours are quite lovely too."

"Hey, babe, I'm a dude," he scowled. "Nothing about me is supposed to be called lovely."

"Why are you bringing this up, you weirdo?" Parvati teased him while shaking her head and grinning.

"I'm just thinking that maybe McG might be interested in the new dude," he shrugged.

She snorted. "Why don't you go right ahead and find out?"

"I think I will," he nodded.

"Mr. Potter, please sit down," McG said with a sigh. "Not even a full week has gone by, and yet, here you are."

"I missed you too, McG," he smiled.

"While I am not too surprised that you have once again struck a teacher in class, I am shocked to see that it was Alastor Moody," she continued.

"I haven't had Potions yet," Harry shrugged.

"Yes, quite," she narrowed her eyes at him.

"So, I got a question for you," he interjected. "Chicks dig scars, right?"

"I- what?"

"Well, you know that last year I couldn't try to hook you up with anybody, since the only new guy was Lupin and I think we all know that he's a pedophile."

"Remus Lupin is not a pedophile," she hissed.

Harry snorted. "Uh, huh, sure. And yet, Sirius has threatened to castrate him if he tries to use that pitiful, 'I'm a werewolf, oh woe is me' act on Tonks. I don't know, I can't really see why chicks would fall for that sort of thing. He seems like a mopey wuss to me, but Sirius claims that it has worked in the past."

"Dear Merlin," McG sighed. "Harry, stop trying to get us off track here. Now, why exactly did you feel the need to punch Professor Moody in the face?"

"He was asking for it," he shrugged.

"Elaborate, Harry, before I have you in detention for the next month."

He knew that she wouldn't really follow through on that threat, but he wanted her in a good mood, so Harry did as she asked. "You know the lesson about the Imperius Curse, right? How Mad-Eye was going to put us all under it to see what it was like?"

"Yes, although I protested the idea, I was outvoted."

"Well, I was able to completely throw the curse off-"

"That shouldn't be possible," McG gasped. "You may be more skilled and powerful than most your age, but very few people are ever able to successfully defend against that curse."

"I mean, I did, so..." Harry shrugged. "And this is me we're talking about. I do cool amazing stuff all the time. Remember the basilisk?"

McG sighed again. "Unfortunately, yes, I remember that all too clearly. But why did you feel the need to hit Alastor?"

"He was trying to make me do stuff with that curse. Nobody tells me what to do," Harry grumbled. "Plus, he made my honey dance around, and let me tell you, I had no idea she could move her hips that way. Whoa," he grinned widely, making McG roll her eyes. "But the thing was, all the little pervs were staring at Parvati, and that made me want to hit someone, so Mad-Eye got the fist."

"Yes, and I believe you knocked out one of his teeth while shouting-"

"Teeth are a privilege!" Harry smiled. "Damn straight!"

"Harry..." she sighed again. "Unbelievably, Alastor has not asked for you to be punished in any way."

"He seemed like a cool dude, for the most part," Harry nodded.

"Well, that 'cool dude' has instead requested being allowed to use you as a class assistant at times."

"Really?"

"Yes," she said with her jaw clenched. "Severus and Sybil were both pleased to let you out of their classes for the next week. Binns didn't care, of course, while Hagrid and Pomona have agreed that it will be for the best, assuming you can make up any assignments for them. Therefore, you will be joining Alastor during those time periods so that you can help him display the proper way to fight against that awful curse."

"That sounds okay," he shrugged.

"On another topic," she interjected, "I have had a number of complaints about you casting spells during breakfast, or one specific spell at least."

"Huh?"

"The... Contraceptive Charm," she added with a glare. "It is highly inappropriate for you to be casting such a spell in the Great Hall."

"Why?"

"Harry, please do not make me spell it out for you," she sighed. "Unless you would like to start explaining exactly what it is and what it does to the first years."

"Oh, alright," he shrugged. "Sirius told me I should get in the habit of casting it at the same time everyday so that I wouldn't forget."

"Is it... necessary for you to be using that spell?"

"He told me it was."

"I never like having this sort of conversation with students," McG muttered. "Do I need to speak with miss Patil? Either of them, for that matter, as I doubt Filius would want to have to do so?"

"Huh?" Harry scratched his head. "Oh, no, um, I think their mum talked to them about stuff. They didn't want to tell me what she said, so I just went along with whatever."

"I suppose I should double check, but otherwise, we can move off this topic," she said. "For the most part, I am glad that you are being responsible about such matters. We haven't had any pregnancies at Hogwarts in over twenty years, and I would like to keep it that way."

"Alright," he shrugged. "But, you got me off track about my original question. Do chicks dig scars?"

"Why do you ask?" she replied with a glare.

"Mad-Eye has obviously seen battle, which makes him pretty tough at least. And I wouldn't want to try to set you up with some soft little wuss. So, what do you think?"

McG banged her head against her desk.

"Are you alright, McG?"

She looked up with a small red spot on her forehead. "Harry, before you drive me to drinking, for the love of Merlin, please stop trying to find a wizard for me."

Shoulders slumping, Harry sighed. "Fine."

"Thank you," she replied with a small nod. "Now, get out of here you little scamp!"

"Love you too, McG!" he smirked as he dodged the stinging hex that hit right next to the door as he fled her office.

A wicked grin came over his face as he walked off.

"Right, so wizards are out. That means, I need to find a bad ass older witch instead."

A shiver went down Minerva's back. She wasn't sure why, but she just knew it had something to do with Harry Potter.

"Harry, why are you being so stupid again?" Padma asked as they waited outside for the other two schools to arrive.

"What are you talking about babe?"

"It is barely above freezing."

"Yeah. So?"

Parvati snorted from the other side of him and leaned in closer. He had his arms around both his honeys.

"Explain why you felt the need to once again remove your shirt sleeves."

"For the gun show," he shrugged. He held back his 'duh' because he knew that she would punish him with less broom closet time. It was a close thing though.

"And why do you need to bring out 'the gun show' for people from the other schools? Are you trying to impress someone?"

"Yeah, of course. I always gotta remind people who the top dog is around here," he replied then turned and winked at her. "Plus, I gotta make sure none of these foreign wizard dudes get any ideas about my honeys."

He added a little squeeze to that last remark and Parvati giggled. Padma merely sighed. "You shouldn't be encouraging him, sis."

"But I like it when Harry protects me from nasty foreign wizards," Parvati grinned unrepentantly.

"Sometimes, I don't know know why I put up with you two," Padma frowned.

"I think its because of how I-"

Padma quickly covered his mouth before he could say anything too embarrassing. Unfortunately, this only made her sister laugh harder.

"I could list a few reasons," Parvati suggested with a smirk.

"Hush you," Padma hissed. "I'm just glad I remembered the warming charm. Not all of us are barbaric neaderthals."

Harry turned to Parvati. "Is she talking about me?"

"I think so."

"Cool," he nodded. "I don't think anyone has ever called me a barbarian before. You know what that makes me?"

"What?"

"One step closer to Conan."

Padma snorted. "Are you saying you want to wear a loin cloth?"

"I'd pay to see that," Lavender mumbled before blushing next to them.

"Me too," Parvati giggled at her best friend's slip of the tongue.

"You're on babe, just as soon as I can talk you into dressing up like princess Leia at the same time," Harry chuckled.

A moment later their conversation was cut off as an enormous carriage flew in being carried by a team of winged horses. This turned out to be the delegation from Beauxbatons, led by a woman the size of Hagrid. Well, maybe he could try to hook up the big dude with this French chick.

And speaking of French chicks, they were dressed in these tasty little pale blue uniforms that put the drab robes of Hogwarts to shame- and the eyes of all the young men of Hogwarts greatly approved of the show. Harry would later learn that there were a few guys from there too, but he honestly didn't notice them at all.

Not when a goddess was leading the crowd of babes strutting past him.

"Whoa," he muttered.

"Harry?" Parvati asked, poking him as his mouth was still open.

"That chick's a Veela."

Padma snorted. "Right. Good excuse for your drool, huh?"

He wiped at his mouth and frowned at her. "I wasn't drooling, babe. Besides, I've felt their Veela juju before. Trust me, that chick is a Veela."

Parvati sighed and snuggled closer to him. "We can make fun of Harry for that later. I just hope the Durmstrang people get here soon. I'm getting hungry."

She wouldn't have to wait too long though, as a few minutes later a ship appeared in middle of the lake, rising from below the surface. Harry scratched his head and wondered about that. "I didn't know there were like 'turn boat into submarine' types of spells. That's pretty cool."

Other people like Jon Weasley were more impressed by one of their students though. This awkward, scowling guy named Crumb that was apparently a quidditch player- but Harry's focus at the World Cup had been tied up completely by the Veela cheerleaders, so he hadn't paid attention to the game.

Harry's good day was ruined by the Evil Headmaster of Doom, who announced that he would be drawing an age line around the Goblet of Fire and only those who were seventeen or older would therefore be able to compete.

Parvati noticed his mood. "You wanted to be in the tournament, didn't you?"

"Of course I did," Harry replied. "It sounds awesome. Just imagine, fighting monsters and stuff, once again proving how bad ass I am, it would have been a blast. But no, mister "I take fashion advice from drunk hobos" has to go and cockblock me. Bastard."

His girlfriend was giggling next to him and decided to not worry anymore about Harry's grumpy muttering.

The next day, he almost thought he saw a way in. The Weasley twins decided to try some aging potion to get past the line- and if it worked, Harry was going to follow in their footsteps. But alas, Dumbledore's age line chucked them out.

Padma refused to help Harry come up with any other ideas about how to get his name in the goblet, no matter how much he begged, pleaded, and pouted at her.

For some reason, she thought keeping him safe from harm was more important.

He was still grumbling after dinner, when the champions for each school were chosen. Parvati ignored him and chatted with Lavender.

Meanwhile, those who did get picked were the French Veela babe, the Crumb quidditch guy, and this Hufflepuff pretty boy called Diggler or Didgeridoo or something. Harry was slumping in his seat and scowling at how unfair the whole damn thing was.

There were a couple of gasps that made him look up just as the headmaster caught another piece of parchment and stared at it for a moment. He cleared his throat and called out, "Harry Potter."

"AWESOME!"