Disclaimer: I'm not Thanos... or am I?
It was a strange procession of people that were headed down to the shore of the lake the first weekend of March. Luna's father had come to visit and brought along the family grimoire, the book's cover an odd dark leather with a clasp binding it closed. Harry and the Patils were right behind them along with the Weasley twins (who were trying to interest Harry in investing in their joke shop idea), with Hagrid and Dumbledore in the rear. Fleur had bowed out for some reason; Harry was disappointed that she didn't want to see the show.
Xenophilius was chatting happily with his daughter about his most recent trip to America where he'd been searching for something called the Moth Man.
"And then he showed me the most delightful little diner where we ate pancakes all night."
"That sounds yummy," Luna replied.
"Indeed," Xeno agreed with a smile. "Of course, he put ketchup on his hash browns, which made me want to leave early. Can you imagine?"
"What a philistine!" Luna turned her nose up.
"Why are we out here?" Padma wondered as she shoved her hands into the pockets of her jacket. "I could have been finishing up my Charms essay early and then spent the rest of the day relaxing."
"Because this is going to be cool," Harry answered.
"I think Fleur had the right idea," Padma rolled her eyes. "Besides, it's cold."
"The Lovegoods are always fun to be around," one of the Weasleys replied.
"Just stay out of their vegetable garden," the other added. "Or be prepared to run for your life."
"But Auntie Ethel is such a sweetie," Luna teased.
"Auntie Ethel?" Parvati asked.
"It's a venomous tentacula that's been crossbred with something... else," Fred shivered.
"You shouldn't have tried picking her turnips," Xeno chuckled. "She's quite territorial. Even the family has to offer a tribute to harvest them."
"Right, so here we are," Hagrid announced. "I can't wait to see what sort of beastie yeh might be summonin'. I'd bet it'll be something to remember."
"Indeed," Dumbledore smiled. "Why, I remember when your great uncle Leonidas brought his pet Blibbering Humdinger for show and tell. It was such a remarkable creature."
"And its saliva had a remarkably strong effect too!" Xeno laughed. "Such a shame that they're nearly extinct now."
"Yes, a pity," the headmaster agreed. "If people weren't so careless, we would have tried to farm them responsibly."
"Daddy, can I do the honors?" Luna asked.
"Of course, butternut," he smiled. Xeno pulled out a pocket knife and carefully cut his left hand, smearing a bit of blood over the clasp to allow it to open before passing the book to his daughter.
"Blood magic, how fascinating," Dumbledore murmured.
"One can never be too careful when dealing with things beyond mortal ken," Xeno replied solemnly.
"The Lovegood family have been experts on this sort of thing for centuries," Luna added. "It's too bad about our squib cousin that tried to give them such a bad reputation after that branch of the family sailed across the Atlantic."
"A pity," Xeno nodded.
"Any suggestions?" Luna asked.
"Page two hundred and nine," Xeno suggested. "She sounds lovely, and I think our friend the Giant Squid could do with a nice lady."
A couple of tentacles rose out of the water and waved happily.
"Alright," Luna said as she flipped to the correct page. "Ooh, she does sound fun. I hope this works out for you, Mister Squid. Iä! Shub-Niggurath!"
There was a loud tearing sound and then an otherworldly sort of jingling as the sky grew dark. Meanwhile, a happy burble drifted up from the water.
"Here she comes!" Luna cheered.
And there it was- a mass of tentacles with a maw ringed with jagged fangs, darkly colored in an odd, shifting pattern of purple, black, and brown. Its descent from the sky was strangely slow and calm.
Padma gasped and took a step back. "What am I doing out here?"
"It's... definitely unusual," Parvati added as she leaned against Harry. "Don't worry, sis. Harry will protect us."
"Yeah," said boyfriend agreed with a grin. "I even got to bring my sword out, just in case."
"She's a real beauty." Hagrid was awestruck, a tear rolling down his face. "Do yeh think she'd let me pet her?"
"Miss Shub-Niggurath is far too intelligent to be a mere pet," Xeno responded. "But, you could always ask. Just be polite."
"I knew today was going to be a good day for Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," Albus said as he began to sing the old Beatles song under his breath.
The thing stopped and hovered in the air as one tentacle stretched out and an eye stalk popped open, turning to look at the gathering. "Greetings, mortals. Who has summoned me?"
Luna took a step forward and did a little curtsey. "I did, madam."
"You are of the Lovegoods."
"Yes, madam." Luna smiled and pointed to the water, where the Squid was sticking part of its head out above the surface. "My friend the Giant Squid has been lonely and we thought you might like a companion."
The Giant Squid was blushing and Parvati couldn't help but giggle at him.
"He's very nice," Hagrid piped up. "I'm sure yeh would get along great!"
Dumbledore waved his wand and cast some sort of modified bubblehead charm, only this one filled with water. The Giant Squid then raised further above the surface.
"I am honored to meet you, my lady," the squid said.
"You are a cute one, aren't you?" Shib-Niggurath laughed. "But, how do you feel about children?"
"Oh, he jus' loves 'em!" Hagrid boomed out.
The squid blushed again. "I've never been a father, but I do like to help the young humans when I can. And I watch over the young merfolk when they stray too far from their village."
"Teenagers, hmph!" Shib-Niggurath replied. "Well, you couldn't be any worse than my ex. He's had to be banished from a number of realms when he's had too much to drink."
"I assure you, my lady, that I would never behave in such an uncouth manner," the squid answered her.
"We'll just have to give this a try," Shib-Niggurath said. "But be warned that I have been worshipped as a fertility goddess across hundreds of planets from a dozen different dimensions. If that's a problem, you should say something up front. Once you're several billions years old, you just don't want to play games anymore."
The humans were trudging back to the castle a few minutes later.
"Leave it to Hagrid to play wingman for an interestin' critter," Fred laughed.
George agreed. "I'm just glad we got out of there before they started mating."
"I don't want to think about that," Padma shivered and grimaced.
"Don't worry about it, babe," Harry said as he pulled her closer on his left side. "I had my sword, remember? It was all good."
"I cast a contraceptive spell over Mister Squid anyway," Luna added. "They should get to know each other a bit first, don't you think?"
"Good thinking," Xeno smiled. "But I do hope she'll let me write a story about her kind someday."
"She seemed quite friendly," Luna replied.
"They usually are," her father agreed. "I've never understood why some people think such awful things- just because a being comes from some other realm of time and space and it could devour all of us in seconds doesn't mean they all want to."
"Wow, man. Like, far out! Literally," Dumbledore was laughing. "Today has been a wonderful trip. I think I'll make a little stop by Hogsmeade. One can never have enough sweets."
As the headmaster strolled off, Xeno spoke to his daughter. "Be careful that you've got snacks already prepared whenever you are going to partake in certain substances. Otherwise, you might end up with a tummy ache later."
"I'll keep that in mind," Luna smiled. "Does that mean we're going to revisit the Navajo this summer?"
"I was considering it," Xeno nodded.
"Oh, goodie!"
By the time they had returned to Gryffindor Tower, the Patils were both ready to snuggle up and make Harry keep them warm. Padma stopped first though as she saw Hermione hunched over a parchment, writing furiously.
"You were right."
"Huh?" Hermione looked up. "Right about what?"
"I think the Lovegoods might be too much for me too. What I saw today..." Padma sighed. "I don't even know how to process it."
Hermione frowned. "I'm usually very curious. But, this time I don't think I want to know."
"Luna's nice, though," Padma admitted.
"Is she going to be joining the harem too?"
Padma rolled her eyes. "It's not a harem."
"Sure it isn't," Hermione scoffed.
"Your jealousy is showing," Padma teased. "I don't think adding more girls would help us keep Harry in line anyway."
The next few months proved Padma correct, as Fleur was not much help with Harry. The fact that she was as incorrigible as Harry and her sister combined was part of the problem. Padma was almost glad for the upcoming end of year exams as it gave her something to do when the others decided to head off to the Room of Requirement.
Not that she didn't join them on occasion- or most days even- but she had to admit that her libido didn't seem to be quite as high as the other three. Of course, the little flares of jealousy whenever she looked at Fleur were likely somewhat to blame as well. Unlike her sister, she didn't feel any tingles when she looked at the blonde bombshell.
Funnily enough, that very same French knockout was sitting across from her in the library one day while Harry and Parvati had Divination.
"Your sister told me zat 'Arry has already met your parents," Fleur began. "Did zat go well? I am wondering 'ow it will be when my family arrives."
"Why is your family coming here?" Padma asked.
"For ze final task," Fleur answered. "Ze families of ze champions are all being invited. Did 'Arry not know?"
"He might not have been told," Padma shrugged. "Of course, it's also just as likely that he wasn't paying attention, even if it was Professor McGonagall telling him. He can be..."
"Strange?" Fleur grinned. "Outrageous?"
"Foolish," Padma added. "Fun, but out of his mind."
"I like zat about 'im," Fleur laughed softly. "I 'ave seen boys act zat way before, trying to impress me in some silly ways. But in 'Arry's case, it is clear zat 'e is just being 'imself."
"He is naturally ludicrous," Padma smirked. "Do you think you're prepared for the third task?"
"I believe so." Fleur lowered her voice and leaned over the table. "I was considering making 'Arry a wager over who wins. Perhaps something fun, in a private celebration afterwards. Will you join us?"
Padma flushed a bit as her imagination ran wild. "Absolutely."
"Good," Fleur grinned. "I was 'oping to make 'Arry work for his reward. As much as I like your sister, she isn't as devious as you can be. Would you like to 'elp me plan?"
Padma agreed and they soon had privacy charms around them, just in case.
"Mister Potter."
Harry looked up and waved at his favorite professor as she came down the aisle once breakfast was ending. "Hey, McG. What's up?"
"Harry, the families of the champions have been invited for the day," she replied with a small smile. "You are all being allowed to rest and relax before this evening's festivities."
"Cool."
"Follow me please," she added.
He gave each of his honeys a quick kiss and hurried after her. They turned off into the small antechamber next to the Great Hall. Waiting there, he saw Sirius and the twins' mum. He ignored his godfather for a moment and bowed over her hand. "It's my great pleasure to see you again, Mrs. Patil."
She giggled and pulled him in for a hug. "I think you can call me Priya by now, Harry."
"What am I, chopped liver?" Sirius protested.
"If you saw me and a beautiful woman standing here, you would've done the same thing, dude," Harry replied. "You probably wouldn't even notice if I was there."
"Now that's not true," Sirius said with a grin. "I would have noticed you sooner or later. You're too big to overlook."
"Damn straight," Harry nodded as he flexed his arms. Sirius rolled his eyes while Priya laughed.
"It is too bad the girls aren't here for your posing," she said.
"They've seen the gun show plenty of times," Harry shrugged. "Plus, they've watched me work out too."
"Oh really?" she raised her eyebrows.
"Yeah," he grinned. "They really liked it."
"I'll bet." Priya narrowed her eyes and lowered her voice. "But remember- no making me a grandmother before I'm forty. Or I swear, I'll castrate your godfather."
"Hey! Leave me out of it," Sirius groaned.
"I can't very well threaten him with that," Priya answered, winking at Harry. "I do want grandchildren someday, you know."
Fleur and her family chose that moment to join them, introducing her parents to him while Gabrielle immediately demanded a hug.
If he had been paying more attention, Harry might have noticed how Priya Patil grew more tense and kept a very close eye on Fleur.
"Maman, Papa, zis is 'Arry Potter."
"Bonjour," Harry said as he took Mrs. Delacour's delicate hand. "I can see where Fleur gets her beauty from."
"My daughter did warn me that you could be a charmer," she replied with a grin. "Since we are not overly familiar with your school, why don't you show us around, Harry?"
"Sure."
Fleur was rolling her eyes as her mother stole Harry's attention away and her father grumbled beside her. "That's the boy, hmm?"
"Yes, papa. But 'Arry is far from a mere boy."
"I'll say," Sirius interjected. "He's a madman is what he is. I had to chase him down last summer when the Death Eaters attacked at the Quidditch World Cup."
"I heard all about that," Priya added. "My girls were not happy about him leaping into danger once again."
"You should 'ave seen 'ow 'Arry dealt with ze dragon," Fleur laughed. "I 'ave never seen anything quite like it."
Gabrielle tugged at her hand and Fleur repeated what they were saying in French for her little sister. For the moment, she was thankful that Gabrielle was still caught on the idea that Harry would become her big brother once he and Fleur married, not that such a thing was even remotely in sight.
But better that than pouting about when she would get her turn with Harry. Fleur was keeping her fingers crossed that puberty might come late for her little sister.
Gabrielle had a bad habit of wanting to play with all of Fleur's toys.
After dinner, the champions were being led out to the Quidditch Pitch, which had been turned into a hedge maze full of dangerous obstacles. Padma and Parvati were walking with Harry and Fleur as they argued about who was going to win. As usual, Harry had removed his sleeves.
"You shall 'ave to make do with second place tonight," Fleur teased.
Harry snorted. "Maybe if it were a contest over who was the sexiest, then you might have a shot at beating me, babe. But I'm going to be the one holding the trophy by the time we're finished."
"Care to make a little wager about zat?"
"You're on."
"Good," Fleur smirked evilly. "Padma and I 'ave already designed a special night for ze winner."
Harry turned to his brainy honey with a frown. "Teaming up against me, babe?"
She just grinned in response. "I made sure that Parvati and I will have a fun time, regardless of who wins."
"Why didn't you tell me about this?" Parvati asked.
"You were busy with Harry in Divination," her sister shrugged. "Besides, I thought you might like a surprise."
"Champions, this way please," Ludo Bagman called out.
"Good luck, Harry," Parvati said as she gave him a quick kiss.
"Be careful, if you want to have fun later," Padma teased once it was her turn.
"I don't think Harry knows how to be careful," Parvati added.
"Where is my kiss for luck?" Fleur asked with a pout.
Parvati giggled and kissed her. "You stay safe too."
A few minutes later, the twins were sitting with their mum in the stands. She was looking quite grumpy.
"What's wrong, mum?" Parvati asked.
"I don't like that French trollop," Priya hissed. "She was hanging all over Harry today. If it wouldn't have caused a scene, I would have cursed her and Harry for-"
"Um..." Parvati chewed on her lip. "I don't think you should be mad about that."
"Why not?"
"Because Harry's not the only one who Fleur seduced," Padma laughed.
"What?"
"Privacy please," Parvati groaned.
Priya pulled out her wand and cast a couple of spells. "Now, what's this all about?"
"Well, you see..." Parvati began. "We met Fleur and she seemed nice enough, but then she told us that she was going to seduce us."
"Seduce you?" Priya's eyebrows shot up.
"Yeah, all three of us," Parvati answered, blushing and refusing to look her mother in the eye. That hedge maze was really fascinating.
"She mostly succeeded," Padma giggled. "It seems someone is a little bi-curious."
"It's not my fault!" Parvati protested. "She's a Veela, so of course she's completely gorgeous."
"Supernaturally so," Padma grinned.
"Shiva, give me strength," Priya muttered to herself. "I don't think I want to know anymore, so please spare me from the details. You're fifteen now, girls. I'm trying to have faith that you won't do anything rash or foolish. Please don't let me down."
"We won't," Parvati replied.
"Good," her mother nodded. "So, all of you are okay with whatever this... situation is?"
"I think so," Padma answered. "There haven't been any major problems. And Fleur is nice- smart too. She helped me study for my Runes exam."
"Alright," Priya sighed.
"But don't be surprised if we get invited to vacation in France this summer," Parvati added.
"I haven't been to France in years," Priya smiled. "Just remember the silencing charms next time."
"Tonight will prove ze magnificence of ze French as I triumph over you and zat Huffleyduff boy," Fleur stated grandly.
Harry snorted. "I'm gonna kick your butt."
Fleur laughed at him. "If you are lucky, I may allow you to worship my perfect derriere after my victory."
"You do remember that I'm in first place, and that I get a headstart, right?"
Fleur turned up her nose. "You will need it, mon amour, but even zat will not be enough."
"We'll see, sweet cheeks," Harry retorted.
Bagman's announcements finally interrupted their trash talk session as he blew a whistle and Harry was off, running into the maze and quickly disappearing from sight.
After three turns he came across himself as an immense slob whose shirt was covered in stains as he buried his face in a gallon of ice cream.
"No way, dude!" Harry flourished his wand and made his boggart toss the junk food aside and start exercising. A moment later he heard a second whistle and knew that Fleur was now hot on his trail.
"Do you think Fleur can catch him?" Parvati asked her sister.
"Harry did have a decent headstart, so I doubt it," Padma answered. "Besides, we know what great shape he's in, so I'd imagine his stamina will keep him moving faster than the others."
"I have faith in Harry," their mum added with a smile.
"Yeah, he can't let a French bird beat him," Sirius teased. "No matter how good looking that bird may be. His pride as an Englishman is at stake."
Parvati giggled. "Can you imagine Harry dressed up as a proper English gentleman? He's far too much of a bozo to do that."
"Not to mention the fact that he's going to get married overseas," Padma said.
"What!?" Sirius almost choked on his popcorn.
"We're keeping him," Parvati said with a huge smile.
"But we can't both marry him here," Padma added. "We'll have to go back to India to do that."
"Which is fine with Harry," Parvati continued. "He said that as long as his honeys are happy, he's up for whatever."
"I think Harry was too busy imagining the wedding night to care about any other details," Padma smirked.
"Would he be open to a traditional ceremony?" Priya asked. "That would help smooth things over with your father."
Padma thought for a moment and then nodded. "I don't think that would be any problem."
"We could talk him into it, if we needed to," Parvati grinned.
"You three are going to drive me to drink with all this talk," Sirius whined.
"Oh, get over it," Parvati teased. "It won't happen until we're done with school."
"I'll bet someone is selling fire whiskey," Sirius muttered as he stood up and left, looking for a concession stand.
Priya was smiling at her daughters. "For all his bluster about being a prankster, Sirius can't handle a little joke."
"It's only partially a joke," Padma shrugged.
"We are keeping him," Parvati agreed. "And I did tease Harry about us getting married someday last fall, which is when he said that we'd have to find someplace where he could marry us both."
"Naturally, that made you think of doing it back home," Priya said as her face lit up. "That would mean that the whole family could come."
"Oh..." Padma groaned. "It's going to be an enormous circus, isn't it?"
"My daughter, you are the one who is dating the world famous Harry Potter."
"We really should be used to the madness by now," Parvati laughed.
Harry turned another corner and came across a sphinx. He looked the creature over carefully, studying it for weak spots. It was as big as a horse, with wicked looking claws on its front paws. Probably the rear ones too, not to mention the wings, although they wouldn't necessarily help in the narrow maze.
"Hello, champion," the sphinx spoke. "You must answer my riddle if you want to proceed down this path."
Harry smirked. "I've got a better idea."
Without any further notice, Harry lunged.
The shocked sphinx was not fast enough to keep him from jumping over her head and getting a kick in as he did so. She rolled and tried to swipe at him while Harry countered with a fist that he'd turned to stone smashing into the back of her head.
Feeling woozy, the sphinx swiped a few more times, only once managing to scratch him.
Harry, on the other hand, was continuing his assault and had moved on to pummeling the creature's face. As one of its razor sharp teeth went flying, he let out a triumphant shout.
"Teeth are a privilege!"
"Oh dear," Padma said as they heard him bellow from the stands.
"What's wrong?" Priya asked.
"That's one of Harry's battle cries," Parvati giggled. "He's almost certainly beating something up. If it's one of those things that Hagrid made, I hope he kills it."
"You're the one who was foolish enough to take that class with Harry," Padma scoffed. "You could have-"
"Blah, blah, I didn't want to take a boring class about numbers," Parvati rolled her eyes. "Besides, I've got Harry all day long."
"Girls, don't fight," their mum chastised them.
"That sounds like Harry's having fun."
The Patil ladies all turned to see that Sirius had returned wearing a plastic hat with a can of beer on either side of it and a hose-like straw running down to his mouth. "No fire whisky, so this will have to do."
"Is there any chance we could find someone else to be Harry's godfather?" Priya asked. "Someone who might be a good influence, maybe?"
"Nope, Remus lost the coin flip fair and square," Sirius replied.
"Where is Professor Lupin?" Padma asked.
"Oh, he couldn't come because he had some moaning and angsting to do," Sirius rolled his eyes. "Apparently, he's been seeing a witch over in Newcastle and every other day he has to get all mopey because he's a monster and he doesn't deserve happiness and he could hurt her and he can't get it up and on and on..."
"He really shouldn't feel like that," Padma said. "He was a very good teacher."
"Yeah," Parvati agreed. "Besides, it could be worse. He could be an alcoholic singer way past his prime."
"I'll have you know my prime is still going strong," Sirius argued.
Harry dusted off his hands as he stood over the now unconscious sphinx. There was a decent gash down his left flank, but it wasn't bleeding too much. Overall, it was an okay fight, but he was going to have to ask the Thicc Daddy for advice about grappling with much larger foes.
A high pitched scream came from fairly close by, off to his left and Harry was already running.
Two turns later he found Crumb standing over Digdug, his wand still out as the Hufflepuff guy moaned on the ground.
Harry bashed the foreign dude over the head and knocked him out cold.
"Well, I guess it's just Fleur that I've got to beat now."
His path for the next couple of minutes was clear though, and soon he saw the center of the maze with the trophy shining on a pedestal.
Just before he reached it, a voice called out, "No!"
Harry turned and saw Fleur trying to catch up to him. "Sorry, babe, but I got here first."
She came to a stop and bent over, huffing and puffing as she tried to catch her breath. Wiping sweat from her brow, Fleur stood tall and smiled at Harry, letting her allure flow freely. "Wouldn't you rather zat I won, mon amour?"
Harry was already starting to nod in agreement when something came charging out of the path that Fleur had emerged from.
"Look out, babe!"
Fleur turned and fell as something that looked like a goat only with several tentacles where its head should have been came barreling towards her. Harry ran at the thing and tackled it away from her.
Now, this creature was much easier to handle than the sphinx, as small as it was compared to Harry's beefy form. Even the tentacles weren't that much trouble, although they did try to slip out of his grasp several times.
Fleur eventually managed to help, wrapping the bundle of tentacles in Harry's hands with a conjured lasso and then yanking it clear of both of them.
"Incendio!"
While Harry used his wand to burn the thing, Fleur added some Veela flames of her own.
When the monstrosity finally stopped screaming, Harry chuckled. "Sirius always says that a simple answer is to kill it with fire. Works on pretty much everything."
"Indeed," Fleur sighed. "You should take ze trophy, 'Arry."
"Don't worry, babe," he smacked her on the butt as he walked past her. "We'll end up celebrating together anyway."
Fleur narrowed her eyes as she rubbed her bottom. "You will 'ave to kiss it all better now."
"I was going to do that anyway." He winked at her and grabbed the trophy.
Then Harry disappeared.
The spinning sensation was unexpected and he soon found himself crashing down in a cemetery, the back of his head bouncing off a tombstone.
Harry stumbled as he got back to his feet. There was something or someone moving towards him.
"Whozzat?" he slurred, his eyes feeling strangely blurry.
"Stupefy!"
The stunning spell went just to his left as Harry tripped over his feet. He was just getting back up onto his hands and knees when he was hit with a body bind curse and fell back down.
"Tie him up, Wormtail," a voice hissed.
"Yes, master."
"I hope this doesn't take too much longer," Parvati said.
"It would have been nice to have a better view for the audience," Padma replied.
"I want to see what type of celebration you and Fleur cooked up," Parvati whispered to her sister.
"Trust me, it will be fun," Padma smirked.
"What are you two whispering about?" Sirius asked with a grin.
"I don't think I want to know," Priya sighed.
"Teenagers," Sirius nodded. "One of the many, many reasons I don't want kids of my own."
"I think we're all glad of that," Padma said, making her mother laugh.
Harry came to his senses a few minutes later when he felt something trickling down his left arm. A blinding flash of light made him blink rapidly to try to get his sight back to normal.
And there in front of him was a tall, pale, skinny... something.
It definitely wasn't a man. For one thing, it was missing its junk. And its nose, ears, hair. Really, it looked like a failed science experiment, and Harry found himself unable to keep from giggling.
"Harry Potter," the thing hissed.
"Hey, dude... or lady?" he mumbled. "But you got no boobies, so maybe not a lady."
"I am Lord Voldemort!"
"I think the blubbering guy messed up," Harry replied slowly.
"What are you talking about? I am perfection."
"Dude, you've got no dick," Harry pointed out. "And you're not a hot lady either, so I'm really not seeing any per-fec-tion here, buddy."
"I have cast off the remnants of my pitiful human shell," the thing scoffed. "Now, I am something more, something beyond any of you pathetic mortals."
"Whatevs, dude."
"You sound like a drunk, Potter."
"Master," the lump on the ground moaned. "Please."
"Yes, yes, Wormtail," Voldemort sneered. "Hold out your arm already. I can't have you bleeding to death while you still may have some use."
"Thank you, master."
"It's so hard to get good help these days," Harry mumbled as he watched the rat guy get a new silver hand. He closed his eyes and tried to relax in order to get his headache to subside. It worked for a couple of minutes until all these other guys started showing up, dressed all in black and bowing before the dickless wonder.
"Is it a goth convention?" Harry asked when he looked around. "Because if so, where are the hot chicks?"
"What is he talking about now, Wormtail?"
"I don't know, master. It may be from when he hit his head."
"Hey, Luscious!" Harry said as he recognized the blonde lady kneeling in front of the weird slender thing. "Don't tell me you've sunk so low that you'll start trying to blow monsters now too? That makes me sad for Narcissa. Maybe I should offer to console her, huh?"
"Silence, fool!" Voldemort yelled. "Perhaps I should put you out of your misery, Potter."
"Well, I don't want to watch whatever weird sort of orgy this might be," Harry said as he swayed his head back and forth, feeling whoozy again.
"Wormtail, free him and give him his wand."
"Yes, master."
Harry waved at the audience and gave them a little flex as he was maneuvered into position facing off against the red-eyed... what should he call him? Harry wondered to himself. He started giggling to himself and muttered, "The thing with no thingy."
"My Harry senses are tingling," Padma muttered and Parvati started to laugh.
"What does that mean?" their mother asked.
"It means he's doing something ridiculous," Padma answered. "It's probably dangerous too."
"Not that Harry knows the meaning of the word," Parvati added with a giggle.
"I trust even a muscle bound oaf such as yourself has been taught to duel?"
"Whatever, man," Harry waved dismissively. "Can we get this over with, already? I've got a French honey to lord my victory over."
"First we bow, Potter," Voldemort sneered. "Then, you die!"
Harry took a bow for his audience and winked at Luscious.
"Crucio!"
The fog in his brain lifted as Harry fell to the ground, feeling like he'd overworked every muscle in his body and was thoroughly dehydrated. He rolled over as the sensation dimmed slightly and then struggled back to his feet. "That wasn't very nice, dude. But, if that's how you want to play things."
"Before I am through, you will beg me for death!"
"Yeah, I don't beg nobody, dude."
"Imperio!"
Harry felt lightheaded once again as a voice whispered to him, 'Beg.'
He shook his head and glared at old noseless what's his face. "I'm only into my honeys whispering at me like that. Are you some sort of pedo creep too?"
"Then die, Potter!"
Harry raised his wand and fired a blasting curse just as Voldemort screamed out, "Avada Kedavra!"
The two spells collided in mid air and a golden light enveloped them, tying the two wands together.
"Whoa, man!" Harry said as he found the golden light formed a shell around them, blocking out all the dudes in robes and then lifting him and the other guy off the ground. They floated several yards away into a clear area and he noticed that his wand was starting to vibrate. That was when he noticed a pure white bead of light in the middle of the golden light halfway between the two wands.
Harry flexed his muscles and pushed and the light slid away from him.
"No!" snake face screamed. "I am Lord Voldemort!"
Harry smirked and pushed harder while the hissy fit opposite of him continued. Soon, the bead of light touched the other wand and ghostly images began to pour out of it. He didn't recognize the first few but then Lily Potter emerged and flew over to her son.
"I am so proud of you," she said through tears.
"Thanks, mum," Harry grinned. "I am pretty awesome, right?"
James Potter joined them a moment later. "I'll say. I would give you a high five if I could."
"Oh, here we go," Lily sighed.
"Twins, Harry!" James whooped in delight. "And a Veela now too! Tell Sirius to suck it for me, will you? Obviously, Potter men are the best at attracting the foxiest of ladies."
"Really?" Lily rolled her eyes.
"Of course, my love," James teased his wife. "Just look at what a goddess I managed to snag. Right, son?"
Harry nodded at his dad. "I knew you were doing something right when I got to see some photos. Mum, you were a total fox."
"We don't have long," Lily interrupted. "Harry, I love you. When the golden light falls, you need to get to the trophy. It will take you back to Hogwarts."
"You've got a few seconds," James added. "So, prepare to summon it over to you and get out of here."
"Not a bad plan, but first," Harry strutted past them. Looking over his shoulder, he winked and said, "I've got someone to pound on."
Voldemort was still screaming at the ghosts that were tormenting him when a fist crashed into his face and knocked loose a couple of teeth. A second punch left him doubled over as the wind was knocked out of him. Harry grabbed onto his robe and hoisted him in the air.
In a terrible Russian accent, Harry said, "I must break you."
There was a loud crash as the dark lord was smashed onto a tombstone and then dropped face first in the dirt.
As the golden cage of light fell away, Harry summoned the trophy and disappeared.
"Master, are you alright?"
The other Death Eaters had forced Wormtail to the front to face the wrath of the reborn Dark Lord. But Voldemort still wasn't moving, so the ratlike man turned him over.
His glowing red eyes looked angry- but then they always looked like that.
"I can't feel my legs," he hissed.
If he had lips, some might have said that Voldemort pouted. "I can't feel anything."
Luscious Malfoy spoke next. "Wormtail, you'll have to redo the ritual for our master."
"But-"
"I saw some of Potter's blood smeared on the stone where he'd been tied up."
"Quickly, Wormtail," Voldemort added. "Do not disappoint me."
"Yes, master."
Not for the first time, Peter Pettigrew greatly regretted his choices in life. Losing one hand had been bad enough, but now he was going to have to sacrifice his wanking hand as well. The replacement silver appendage was cold to the touch in a rather horrifying way.
"I'm back, baby!" Harry yelled as he landed in front of the stands.
The crowd roared in approval as Fleur was the first to reach him, throwing her arms around him and kissing him. "You were gone for so long, 'Arry."
His twin honeys ran over next and were quick to embrace him as well. His dad had been right.
When he saw Sirius nearby, he remembered his message. "Hey, Sirius! Dad said to tell you to suck it!"
"What?" his godfather looked confused.
"You know old what's his name? The guy that was on the back of another guy's head? And then he was a whiny teenage ghost? Well, he was there and the rat guy too, and we fought- I won, of course- and there was this weird magic thing that happened where our spells like connected or whatever. Then mum and dad showed up as ghosts or something and dad said to tell you to suck it. And that Potter men are clearly the best. I mean, just look at my babes, and be in awe, dude."
Parvati giggled while Padma pulled Harry's face down and she began examining him. "Did someone hit you on the head?"
"It was a tombstone, but that's not important," Harry waved off her concern.
"Head trauma is always important," Padma scowled at him.
"Maybe not in Harry's case," Parvati said with a laugh.
"It does seem to be as 'ard as a rock," Fleur added. "But we should probably 'ave ze nurse check on 'Arry anyway."
A tear ran down Sirius' face as he patted his godson on the arm. "That does sound just like James. He somehow managed to pull a total fox like Lily eventually, and he never stopped bragging about it to me."
"Madam Pomfrey!" Padma called out, pulling away to go find the healer.
"You know what would actually make me all better?" Harry asked as he leaned against Parvati.
"What?"
"Boobies."
Parvati giggled while Fleur began to sigh. "I suppose you did win, 'Arry."
It was the next day before Harry was seen again, having disappeared into the Room of Requirement for a fun filled night. His head was feeling much better as he and the girls sat down for breakfast.
"Mr. Potter," McG called to him as she hurried over. "Where have you been?"
"Celebrating," he replied. "And then sleeping. I even took the morning off for once. What's up?"
"There are several people that need to speak with you after you eat," she replied. "I will come get you and take you up to the headmaster's office. Sirius was telling us some outrageous story about the time when you were missing in the middle of the third task."
"Oh," Harry scratched his chin. "Is this about that weird looking snakey guy?"
"Snakey- oh, Merlin," McG sighed. "Yes."
"I don't see what the big deal is," he shrugged. "His teeth get knocked out just like everybody else's."
"I'm sorry," Hermione interjected from across the table, "but are you saying that you punched he-who-must-not-be-named in the mouth?"
"Yep."
"But... how? I thought he was dead."
"Apparently not anymore, Miss Granger," McG said. "That will be the topic of conversation with Harry. We will need to prepare for the dangers likely to come."
That conversation eventually involved the headmaster, who was strangely subdued because McG had confiscated his stash the night before, McG, Sirius, Mad-Eye Moody, and the greasy douchebag was there too for some reason.
McG got the chaos sorted by having everyone sit around in a circle while they watched Harry's memory of what had happened at the graveyard.
"Alas, Tom, look at what you've become," Dumbledore sighed as they exited the pensieve. "He used to be such a pretty boy, you know."
"Focus, Albus," Moody grunted. "I heard a few names there- people we expected like Malfoy- so we're going to have to keep an eye on them and see what happens next."
"Severus, any news?" Dumbledore asked.
"The Dark Lord had to redo the ritual after Potter's actions," he sneered over at Harry who just smirked in return. "There was still some blood from where he had been tied up. From what I discovered, when Potter attacked him, he had been left paralyzed."
"I always wondered if a backbreaker could work in real life," Harry grinned. "But you know, wrestlers don't usually smash each other over headstones."
Sirius laughed and patted him on the shoulder. "Well done. You did a number on his reputation, even if it was temporary."
Harry shrugged. "Doesn't seem like any of you wizards lift, so it really wasn't that hard."
The rest of the conversation bored him, and Harry's mind began to drift as he wondered what all he would be doing for the summer. The Thicc Daddy would be pleased when he heard about the fight he'd won and the tournament too.
Fleur was going to speak to her family about having guests come visit, and his honeys were excited about getting to see France.
Harry was mostly hoping they could all go to the beach together. His honeys in bikinis was one of the all time best things ever.
Author's Note: Sorry this update took me so long to finish. Unfortunately, this year has sucked for me in real life and I haven't been feeling up to writing something silly most of the time.
With year 4 finished, I've now got to figure out everything to do in year 5. A few ideas are already percolating, but I'll need to more thoroughly sketch it out. Also, I need to go over years 6 & 7 to figure out how I'm going to deal with them because I'm not certain how many opportunities there are for parody.
For the scoreboard:
Patil girls: 3-1. Harry: 0 for 4.
I'd decided when I was writing year 1 to have a new girl show up each year who would be interested in Harry & the twins would try to fend them off (Hermione, Ginny, & Cho being the first three). Their unbroken streak ended with Fleur. And yes, that means there will be someone new in year 5.
On the other hand, Harry has completely failed in finding a partner for McG. He's not the type of guy to give up though. :)
Hope you're all doing well. Till next time!