Author's Note: Hello 2022. It's time to pump you up!
This chapter got a little delayed due to dumb IRL stuff, but I've started the next one & I'm hoping to have it done a lot faster. Hope you enjoy. :)
"Heather, Elisabeth, Jennifer, Alison, Claire, Sarah," Parvati read the names Harry had written on a piece of parchment as they were once again ignoring the droning voice of Binns in History of Magic. "Should I be worried that you're doodling other girls' names?"
He furrowed his brow as he replied, "I'm trying to think of something."
"What do you mean?"
"Padma taught me this thing called a mnemonic device," Harry said. "It's for helping you remember things, you know? I've got all these little firsties to look after, and I'm not the greatest at remembering names. But, for my little dudes, I've got Charms."
"Charms?" Parvati frowned.
"Charlie, Hugh, Andy, Richie, Mikey, Scottie," he answered. "That spells Charms. So now I'm trying to think of something for my little dudettes, but I can't think of anything that uses those letters."
She looked back over the names and shook her head. "Sorry, Harry, I'm not seeing anything either. You'll just have to learn their names the old fashioned way."
"Bummer," he sighed.
"So, what do you think Defense is going to be like this year?"
"I don't know," he shrugged. "I remember Percy Weasley a little bit from when he was here- kind of a stuffy, boring guy, but he can't be any worse than Lockhart or that bastard who kidnapped Padma."
"Well, Lupin and Moody were both good teachers, so maybe he'll continue the streak."
Harry smiled at her. "I like how optimistic you are, babe."
When they got to Defense Against the Dark Arts that afternoon, Harry was quick to sigh at having to take a quiz for the first half hour over what they had already learned. The second half was a lot better though, as Percy had them demonstrate a number of spells, and Harry was always better at the practical stuff.
"All in all, I'd say it was a decent class," Parvati informed her sister that evening at dinner.
"Well, I wasn't in Gryffindor with him, but I would have to assume Weasley would be a decent teacher," Padma replied. "He was Head Boy after all. I'm just disappointed that I have the class with the Slytherins this year. Who knows how many of them have parents that are siding with he who must not be named?"
"You mean the snake-demon guy?" Harry asked.
Padma rolled her eyes. "Yes, that's who I mean."
"Oh," he furrowed his brow. "Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, and Nott."
Parvati gasped. "How do you know that?"
"Well, the snake guy named off a bunch of his minions that night when I went to that graveyard and stuff," Harry shrugged. "I try to pay attention when the bad guys are trying to kill me, you know. I mean, my head was really throbbing, but the Thicc Daddy always said that excuses are for losers, so-"
Padma cut him off as she scowled. "I'm going to be in a class full of Death Eaters in training."
"Yeah, but they're mostly chumps, so I'm sure you'll be able to show 'em who's boss," he answered. "Just be careful of the little bastards trying to stab you in the back."
"I have an idea," Parvati giggled.
"What?" Padma frowned.
"You could partner up with Daphne Greengrass and get to know her better. That could be amusing, if nothing else."
"She is a good student," Padma admitted.
"That's not why I suggested it," Parvati rolled her eyes. "I want to hear more about her propositions for Harry."
Padma had looked around her dorm that night and decided that she would actually try to sit with Greengrass the next day in Defense. She had nothing against the other girls in Ravenclaw, but she wasn't especially close with any of them. Certainly nothing like Parvati's friendship with Lavender.
That was why she tried to arrive early the next day for class so she could pick out the Slytherin Ice Queen, hopefully without laughing out loud at the girl's pride in her title.
When Greengrass arrived, even her walk into the classroom seemed to be dripping with arrogance. Perhaps in another life, Padma would have found it offputting, but instead she couldn't help but think of how comical Daphne's tense approach had been on the train.
Seriously, who would think of negotiating a relationship like a business contract? Then again, it was so strange that it went over much better than the usual way girls fawned over Harry.
Not that Padma could necessarily blame them for lusting after her boyfriend. Despite his... eccentricities, she and Parvati wouldn't trade him for anything.
Padma hurried to the seat next to Greengrass. "Good morning."
"Greetings, Patil."
"I hope you don't mind if I sit here," Padma said with a tentative grin that didn't crack the blonde's icy facade.
"You have done well in this class before, so I could certainly find worse company," Greengrass twitched her head in an odd jerky way, almost like a shrug that she couldn't quite make look normal.
"Well," Padma leaned in a bit and lowered her voice. "We wouldn't want any of the awful little boys bothering either of us, now would we?"
"Definitely not," Greengrass said. Padma spotted a tiny curl at the corner of her mouth, like a grin trying but failing to escape. "Did your sister or Har- I mean, Potter tell you anything useful about their first lesson?"
"They said it was mostly review to see where we were." Padma smirked at the way Daphne had slipped and nearly called him Harry, as if that were some tremendous error in manners- something that would never occur to the boy in question even if you gave a thousand hints. In some ways, it seemed like it would be hard to find a worse match for a girl like this than him.
Maybe it was that whole 'opposites attract' cliche?
"It's probably for the best that I skimmed over our previous books last month," Daphne pursed her lips. "Professor Moody's behavior was not always to my liking, but at least he wasn't a horrible teacher. Sadly, I think the best we've had was the werewolf, Lupin."
Now that was interesting. Padma raised an eyebrow and asked, "Do you have a problem with werewolves?"
"Only pity for the most part," she replied with a dismissive wave. "But I heard the rumors about him- that he liked younger women. Not to mention that creepy mustache. I believe, for once, the Quibbler might have had their facts straight."
Padma couldn't hold back a giggle. "Harry would definitely agree with you."
"Of course," Greengrass raised her chin with a haughty little gleam in her eye. "He must have a good eye for people. Otherwise, why would he theoretically be interested in doing business with me?"
"Uh huh," Padma smiled as their new teacher walked in and sat down at the desk. The quiz they began a few moments later wasn't nearly as interesting as this little verbal exchange had been.
Later, at dinner...
"I'm telling you, it was so strange," Padma snickered. "It's almost like the story of Pinocchio, as if she truly wants to be a real girl but doesn't quite know how. Or maybe a robot that is missing part of its human interaction programming."
Parvati laughed but Harry shook his head.
"No, babe, she'd be an android, not a robot," he argued. "Robots are like R2-D2, you know? They don't look like people. Androids are the ones that look like people. Or replicants, like in Blade Runner."
"Fine, an android then," Padma rolled her eyes.
"As long as she's not like the Terminator," Harry added with a frown. "We don't want an assassin sent back from the future. That could be pretty tough- I might even have to call in the Thicc Daddy for back up."
"What are you talking about?" Parvati asked.
"Oh, you never saw that one? It's awesome," his eyes lit up. "Like the first one had Arnie as this badass who's out to kill Sarah Conner. But then in the sequel, he's like a good android who's supposed to save her because there's a new model that can shapeshift. Killer movies, babe. Let's just hope that she's a good android and not out to try to fight us or something."
"Harry, I don't actually think-"
"Still, she doesn't look too fake," Harry interjected. "You know, they must have spent a lot of money to make an android that could nail looking like a hot girl so well."
"Oh, you think she's hot, huh?" Padma asked as she glared at him.
"Doesn't count, babe," he grinned.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not saying some other girl is hot- I'm talking about a well designed android," Harry said. "Totally different thing. That'd be like if I got mad at you for saying that a new Ferrari was sexy."
For some reason it seemed this argument didn't exactly soothe his honeys. But after a few days where they noticed him watching Greengrass as if she was potentially going to attack them- you know, evil android assassin from the future and all that- Parvati decided that she didn't care that much and alone time was way too much fun to bother with how nuts Harry was.
Padma gave in a couple of days later, when they had Prefect rounds together after swapping with Hermione Granger and then Anthony Goldstein.
Harry was doubly stoked about that. Not only was happy fun naked time back on the menu, but the 'get Granger laid plan' was also in motion.
But before he could work more on that, Saturday rolled around and he led the first year Gryffindors out of their common room, down two different secret passages, and to the kitchens.
"Alright, little dudes," he said as he stopped them in front of the painting of a bowl of fruit. "This is important, so you'll want to pay attention. Cool?"
"Cool!" several voices answered in glee.
"Notice the pear," he pointed it out, "and watch what I do."
As his fingers ran over the pear, they heard giggling before a door handle appeared. "Personally, I'm a bit more of an apple guy over pears, but this is where we go to find some other awesome little dudes."
His minions hurried inside and started talking as they witnessed the house-elves cleaning up from breakfast and preparing for lunch.
Padma and Parvati had come along, and he noticed behind his brainy Ravenclaw honey that she had brought along most of her minions too. After she had finished saying a few words to them, Padma's group also charged inside. "It was a good idea to show them this place," she admitted with a shrug.
"Yeah, you Ravenclaws lose track of time and miss meals sometimes," Parvati teased.
"That happened one time," Padma hissed.
"Twice," Harry corrected. "But back in first year, it wasn't really your fault I guess. That one bald dude with the ugly dude on the back of his head was the other one- and man, that was seriously weird."
"But you did get to swoop in and rescue the fair maiden," Parvati sighed.
"Mister Potter?"
Harry turned and noticed one of his little dudes (Hugh, if he remembered right) wanted to ask him something. "What's up, dude?"
"What are these things?"
Harry looked at the kitchen staff. "Oh, these are house-elves. They're cool little dudes who like cleaning and cooking and stuff like that. Hey, Dobby?"
"The Great Master Harry Potter sir calls for Dobby?" the still-bloody battle toga clad elf in question appeared with a pop.
"Hey, Dobby, this is Hugh, one of my little dudes." Harry nodded to himself happily when Hugh confirmed that he had remembered the minion's name by saying hello. That trick Padma taught him worked. "Could you help explain to them about how you elf dudes do your thing down here?"
"Of course, Dobby would be ever so pleased to teach the Great Master Harry Potter sir's little dudes!"
Harry grinned as the rest of the minions followed Hugh and Dobby as he led them around and showed them the food they were cooking for lunch. This was one of the best parts about being an awesome leader type dude- delegating boring stuff to other people.
His honeys leaned against him while they all watched the little dudes run around and try bites of all sorts of food. Lunch was a few minutes late that day due to the morning's distractions in the kitchens.
But as Harry finished that midday meal, some of his little dudes stopped him from going to find his favorite broom closet with his favorite honeys.
"Mister Potter?"
"What's up, Mikey?" Harry was pleased with himself that Padma's mnemonic thing had worked as he had once again correctly identified one of his new minions.
"How come you're so big and strong?"
"Well, it took a lot of hard work, bro," he said with a firm nod. "Diet and exercise are both important, you know dude? And lifting, obviously."
"Can you teach us to lift?" Richie asked.
Harry frowned at thought about it for a moment- it had been a long time since he had been a beginner, and his little dudes were still pretty small and scrawny. He'd probably need the help of his mentor to get advice about being a mentor too. But the answer was always going to be a firm...
"Hell yeah, little dudes."
They cheered and Harry grinned at the promise of a glorious future.
Percy Weasley did not have a good first week as a professor. The Minister himself had sent him there for a reason- to inspect the school, audit the teachers, and clean the place up- but there simply wasn't any time to accomplish those goals. Teaching one of the core classes meant that he barely had enough time for all the Defense lessons, let alone do anything else.
What could he do?
He pondered the lessons he had learned over the last year while working at the Ministry. There were numerous problems he'd run into, inefficiencies and incompetence, but when he went to his boss he was told that there was only so much any one person could do. However, there was always the option of delegating less important tasks to his subordinates.
Now it was just a question of finding the right people for the job.
And thus, he spent the entire weekend going over the class schedules for the various years and combing through his grade logs to see who had done well, especially those in the upper years...
Albus Dumbledore was quite worried about his new (and quite young) professor for Defense Against the Dark Arts. Such a driven young man, something like what Albus himself had once been. And look at all the tragedy that had come of it.
Well, no more! Life is too short to waste any time not having a good time.
Hence, the sweet euphoria of his newest lady friend named Molly...
(And no, he didn't mean Mrs. Weasley.)