Author's Note: Beware of the coming Robot Apocalypse!

"Alright dudes, welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts," Harry said as his minions and soon to be minions filed into the classroom the next Wednesday morning. Muttering about how awesome he was immediately started up, all these firsties blessed to have such an excellent sub for the day.

"Now, you can call me Mister Potter or the coolest dude in the world," he continued with a smile. "And being as awesome as I am, today's lesson is also going to be totally amazing. So, stand up and let me get these desks out of the way so we can have some fun."

Parvati was already giggling about something. For some reason, she had decided to come along and watch- and she claimed it wasn't just to see more of how badass he was.

Harry banished all the desks up against the walls and strode into the middle of the room.

"Our first question: what makes the best defense?" He looked around the room and noted the confused looks. "Come on, don't be shy. Hugh?"

He pointed to one of his little dudes who shrugged. "I don't know. We've only had three lessons."

"Don't restrict your thoughts to magic," Harry shook his head. "You've got to keep your head when things get awesome, right? So think about real world ideas."

"A good offense?" one of the little dudes with a yellow tie said.

"Exactly," he grinned. "What's your name, dude?"

"Cuthbert," the little dude replied. "Cuthbert Macmillan. My brother's in your year."

"Right, Parvati, make a note for me to give five points later for a good answer."

His honey shot him a dirty look. "What am I, your secretary?"

He nodded with a grin. "The hottest secretary in the world, babe."

She rolled her eyes. "You are such a doofus, Harry."

"Try not to be distracted by my honey," Harry instructed the class. "Let's get back to the lesson. So, a good offense is the best defense. Do you know what that means?" He paced for a moment, looking at all the little faces and he smiled as he bathed in their attention. "That means that when the going gets tough, the tough get rough. If a bad guy comes at you, don't stand there waiting around for them to throw the first spell. Instead, do something like this:

"Aculeo!"

His spell jetted across the room, striking the mannequin he'd set up right in the chest and knocking it over. The kiddoes cheered.

"Looked pretty cool, right?" Harry turned to his audience. "The thing is, that's just a Stinging Jinx, which is something simple enough that you little dudes should be able to learn it, no problem. But it hurts like a son of a bitch, so if you use it right, you can zap an enemy and make them think twice about trying to start some sh-"

"Harry!" Parvati scolded him.

"Alright, babe, keep your shirt on," he grumbled. "My point is that with a good offense you can finish the fight before the bad guy even gets started. So, line up and we'll get started on teaching you dudes this handy little spell."

Parvati found her sister just as they went to lunch. "You'll never believe it, but Harry's actually a really good teacher."

Padma sighed. "I still can't believe he's the top of our year at Defense."

"He's not dumb, he's just nuts," Parvati giggled.

"That explains his friend Luna too," Padma chuckled.

"Lovegood? She is pretty out there," Parvati replied.

"Yes, but she's also quite brilliant," Padma sighed. "I know that Harry likes her, so when I saw her finishing up an assignment for Charms in our common room last spring I offered to look it over for her. Even with her being a year behind us, I think she could outdo half of my dorm."

"Well, I was also right," Parvati cut the conversation back to Harry. "The way he taught the first years was totally adorable. He is going to be a great father."

"Assuming he doesn't spoil them rotten, you mean?" Padma jibed.

"I don't think that he would be too bad about that," Parvati argued. "He's got too much of a work ethic from all the exercising he's done for years. But you really should watch him sometime with his 'little dudes.' It's super cute."

Padma snickered at her sister. "Have you been daydreaming about having his babies again?"

"Oh, like you never do," Parvati snorted and rolled her eyes. "It's not my fault that Mrs. Parvati Potter has such a nice ring to it."

At that moment, they found Harry leading the first year Gryffindors into the Great Hall for the midday meal.

"Look at him," Parvati sighed.

"With his little army of minions," Padma laughed. "I still can't believe they're letting Harry of all people teach. I mean, I know Hogwarts is strange and dangerous and the standards for Professors seem to vary wildly," she pointed to her brilliant head of house Flitwick sitting next to Hagrid, who was nice but from all she'd heard, Padma was very glad not to have taken his class. "But really, putting Harry in charge of anything just seems like it's going to backfire one of these days."

"We'll see," Parvati shrugged.

Not only had first contact gone well, but she'd had some additional discussion with the Ravenclaw Patil, so Daphne was feeling positive about unleashing her vengeance via snogging Harry Potter.

It was truly a brilliant plan.

(Or bit of programming, if Harry was right.)

Unfortunately, she was also angered by how Parkinson was strutting around as if she were something more than an obstacle to be overcome and then cast by the wayside with all the other failures. And that would not do. Especially as she'd been bragging about the Prefects' Bath that she had access to- which should have been Daphne's!

It was infuriating, and that meant that perhaps it was time to further the plan.

She waited until their next Defense lesson was over and then asked Padma for a moment of her time.

"I find myself needing to discuss our potential arrangement," she began with a sigh as she watched the others walk off down the hall and cast a privacy spell.

"Is this about Harry?" Padma smiled. "Because I'm not sure how my sister feels about things."

"I have Potions tomorrow with her and Potter," Daphne replied. "Between the four of us, I believe we should be able to work something out. Parkinson and Malfoy have become even more annoying lately-"

"Is that even possible?" Padma laughed.

"Believe it or not, it is," she answered as she clenched her fists. "They need to be taken down a notch or two, and that goes double for Snape."

"Why don't I find Parvati and Harry and we can all talk about this after dinner," Padma suggested.

"I find that acceptable," Daphne agreed.

Later that evening, she awaited the others on the fourth floor in an old, abandoned office of some sort that she had procured for the meeting. She laid out her proposal, set out the various items that would be required for the ensuing 'prank' and its follow up, and once the trio had arrived, she spelled it all out for them.

"Are you sure you can really have this all ready in time for class tomorrow?" Parvati asked.

"Of course," Daphne answered. "I just need the approval for Potter's side of things."

"What do you think, sis?" Parvati turned to Padma.

"I think it's a shame that I wouldn't be able to witness the chaos," she replied with a grin. "But I am willing to give my vote yes if you are."

"Really?" Parvati frowned and looked over the blonde Slytherin for a moment. She sighed after giving it some thought. "Alright, but no taking him off to a broom closet by yourself."

"Do I get a say in all this?" Harry piped up.

"As if you would turn her down," Padma snorted.

Harry raised an eyebrow but spoke to Daphne. "I read up on magical contracts after the whole Goblet of Fire thing last year. They can be a real big deal, you know? So, if we're going to do this whole 'business arrangement,' then I want you to sign one stating that the three of us will be safe from whatever danger you may be planning. I approve of the viciousness, and I'm down with helping you on your mission as long as we're not the targets."

"That won't be a problem," Daphne agreed.

"Okay then," Harry nodded. "Who's your usual partner in Potions?"

"Tracey Davis."

"Will she have a problem working with Hermione tomorrow?"

"I'll make certain she doesn't," Daphne replied. "She's usually easy to deal with, so I see no difficulty in this task."

Percy Weasley had managed to audit every class except Potions, which he finally was able to sit in on shortly before lunch. Truly, he was looking forward to it and had made sure to schedule the audit for a shared Gryffindor and Slytherin lesson. In spite of his reputation for being a stiff, like every other Gryffindor, he's suffered under Snape's abominable 'tuition' for several years and was ready to knock the unprofessional bastard down a few notches.

Sadly for Snivellus, Percy had neglected to inform him of the audit- and he just so happened to be sitting in the back while under an invisibility cloak he'd borrowed from the ministry.

Harry Potter and one of his girlfriends caught his attention as they came into the room early.

"I just realized I might have made a mistake, babe," Potter said.

"Worried about today's class?" the girl teased.

"I'm not sure if androids are covered by magical contracts," he replied. "What if she still tries to exterminate us in order to bring about the great Robot Revolution of 2037?"

"I don't think that's going to happen," she rolled her eyes.

"But, what if..." Potter trailed off. "No, I forgot. If she's a magical android that can cast spells, then the magical contract should still apply. Whew, we're safe, babe."

"What am I going to do with you, Harry?" she sighed. "Just, don't screw up the plan because it's bound to be really funny."

"No problem."

Percy wondered what that was all about. Strangely, the couple split up and sat at tables on different sides of the room. A blonde Slytherin girl then walked in and sat next to Potter.

"Hey, Daphne," he grinned. "Is everything cool for today?"

"Of course it is, Potter," she scoffed. "Do you take me for some sort of clueless amateur?"

"Um, I guess not," he shrugged.

The rest of the class soon filed in and a moment later Snape burst in with the door slamming behind him.

"Instructions are on the board! Get to work!"

Percy made a couple of notes on his clipboard- so far, it was exactly as he remembered it. Someone was going to be on probation very soon.

"Potter!" Snape hissed. "What are you doing bothering Miss Greengrass?"

"I'm just doing this potion thing, man," Harry replied with a frown. "What's your deal anyway?"

"My deal?" Snape mocked.

"Yeah, why do you always act like someone pissed in your pumpkin juice or something? I mean, I can't imagine sneering twenty four hours a day can actually feel good. Doesn't your face hurt doing that all the time?"

"Potter! Twenty points from-"

"Professor, something's wrong!" Malfoy called out from a nearby table.

At the beginning of all the ruckus, Percy had gotten up and slowly made his way towards the front of the room to see exactly how bad this would go. Now that he was only a few feet away, he noticed that Daphne Greengrass had a small smirk on her face as Snape hurried over to check on the potion being brewed by Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson.

Percy remembered the Wit-Sharpening Potion recipe and he knew that it definitely wasn't supposed to be giving off an orange steam at any point in the process.

"What is going on... here?" Snape muttered as he got too close to the vapor and inhaled some of it. Along with his two students, he now looked more than a little green. Snape, Malfoy, and Parkinson all hunched over and started hyperventilating.

"Are you alright, professor?" Granger asked.

Percy saw Greengrass slip her wand into her hand while the second held a small vile. Her lips barely moved, but Percy recognized the movement of the Switching Spell, and then the cauldron by Snape and the others gave off a pink puff of smoke.

There was a loud gurgle that came somewhere from Snape's general area.

"Professor Snape, for the record," Greengrass spoke up and grabbed Potter for a searing kiss.

"Harry wasn't bothering me at all today. In fact, I may have won our little bet."

"Five points from-" Snape grimaced.

The gurgle came again... and then the smell.

"Eww!"

Percy was unfortunately close enough to get a whiff of Snape to realize that he'd befouled himself. For some reason, Potter and Greengrass didn't seem to be affected though.

If he'd looked at a table behind him, he would have seen that neither were Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown, who were both laughing their heads off.

"Agh! Get them off me!" Mafloy screamed as he started scrabbling at his shirt sleeves and flailing his arms about. With his left hand, he accidentally struck Parkinson in the chin.

"Draco, you bastard!" she growled before looking at him in terror. "What happened to your face?"

"My face?" he yelped.

Percy couldn't see anything too abnormal about Malfoy's face but Parkinson backed away.

"Someone turned you into a goblin!" she gasped. "Just look at those jowls! And that enormous, pointy nose!"

"My nose?" Malfoy reached up and felt his face and then screamed again.

This time his flailing had nailed Parkinson right in the nose, which started gushing blood.

Meanwhile, Snape was curled up into a ball on the floor, muttering something about Potter defiling something or other. Percy made a note about completely losing control of his class due to a Potions mishap, likely brought about due to the lack of safety measures.

If only Snape had ever taught them any sort of precautions, Percy thought with a snort. He may have still been miffed about the time in fourth year when that ruffian Avery had thrown a dung bomb into his cauldron and yet all the blame had been cast on Percy.

Oh, how the tables had turned.

"It was brilliant," Parvati giggled as she and Lavender retold the story to her sister at dinner. "Snape, Malfoy, and Parkinson are still under the tender care of Madam Pomfrey."

"I wish I had seen it," Padma smiled. "He probably isn't as bad to us as you Gryffindors, but the greasy jerk has had it out for me because I'm dating Harry."

"Sorry, babe," he said.

"You're worth it," she answered, making Harry smirk. "How was kissing Greengrass?"

"Not bad," he nodded. "Her lips were softer than I'd imagined- very life-like, in fact. No matter how murderous and evil they are, Skynet does good work."

"Skynet?" Padma asked with an eyebrow raised skeptically.

"Like from The Terminator?" Lavender asked.

"You've seen it!" Harry raised a fist. "See, my honeys thought I was being silly or something."

"What does The Terminator have to do with-"

Parvati cut her best friend off. "Harry's convinced himself that Daphne is a robotic assassin from the future."

"Android, babe," he corrected. "If she were a robot, she'd look like metal and stuff."

"I can't believe she did all that and it worked," Padma shook her head with a laugh.

"Greengrass set that up?" Hermione asked.

"Why is that so surprising, Granger?"

Daphne had sneaked up on them as they were talking.

"Now then, how about our arrangement?" she continued, eyeing Harry with a strange look on her face.

"I'll help you torment Snape and the others," he agreed.

"Excellent," she said with half a smirk. "Between the lysergic acid, the ruined potions, the laxatives, and one secret ingredient, they're bound to be laid up in the hospital wing for a few days. I pre-coated their cauldron in the dead of night to get things ready. It was also why I mixed my methods, magical and otherwise, to make them suffer longer."

"How did you get laxatives into their system from a ruined potion?" Hermione asked.

"Special time-delayed laxatives slipped into their breakfasts that would only activate once exposed to a certain potion reaction."

"But-"

"There was a house-elf who owed me a favor," Daphne elaborated.

"Remind me never to get on your bad side," Lavender snickered.

"And I'll take you to the Prefects' Bath after we eat," Padma agreed.

"Wonderful," Daphne shivered. "I've got a lot of tension to get rid of. I'll see you later."

As she walked off, Granger snorted. "Tension? I'll say."

"I wouldn't mind helping her relieve it, if you know what I mean," Seamus waggled his eyebrows.

"As if Greengrass would give a mug like you a shot," Dean laughed. "Judging by that little display earlier, she's become another of Harry's honeys."

"Sort of," Harry shrugged. "I'm mostly worried about assassination attempts."

"Lucky bastard," Seamus muttered.

"Don't hate the player, hate the game," Neville replied sagely.

Granger turned to Harry with a glare. "What exactly are you teaching them in your so called 'Lifting Army,' Harry?"

"Hey, bros gotta have some secrets, dude," he waved a finger at her. "Just like you ladies do, right?"

Albus Dumbledore was distraught at the moment. Young Severus looked and smelled terrible.

"And you say it was all his fault?"

"I'm afraid so, headmaster," Percy replied. "The lack of safety measures in that class is abominable. Surely you've had complaints before?"

Percy knew he had as he'd personally made at least a dozen, filed in triplicate, over his time there as a student.

"I thought people just weren't mellow enough," Dumbledore shrugged.

"Well, perhaps you should take that attitude up with Professor Snape," Percy answered. "He's very far from mellow; in fact, in today's class he was almost frothing with rage. Mind you, that was before the accident."

"I'll have to have a few discussions with him in private," the headmaster sighed. "And I'll have to dip into the good stuff too. However, you can be sure, Professor Weasley, that I shall endeavor to help Severus get past his problems."

"Good luck with that, headmaster," Percy said. "However, until evidence is seen of his improvement, I'm afraid Professor Snape will remain on probation. To do any less would endanger the education of our students. We wouldn't want that."

Dumbledore nodded and Percy took his leave.

But he couldn't wipe the smile off his face all night long as he wrote up his official report and sent it off to Minster Fudge.