Author's Note: I've been fiddling with too many stories at once, but I finally got another update ready. Should be finishing another piece of my Dragon Age story next (if all goes well, maybe this weekend) and for this one, I think I've got 2 more chapters planned to wrap up year 5.

Hope you're all doing well & enjoy!

"Daphne, how has school been?" Evelyn Greengrass asked once they'd all gotten settled at home after picking up her daughters from the train.

"Ooh, hasn't she written you about her boyfriend?" Astoria giggled.

Cyrus spat out his tea. "Really? You're dating?"

"Finally!" Evelyn squealed as she hurried to hug her eldest. "Oh, tell me all about him!"

Once she had wriggled free from her mother's grasp, Daphne frowned. "I'm not certain if I can claim that term is quite proper in this situation, although I am working towards a more permanent agreement, should it prove to be beneficial to all involved."

"Beneficial to- what on earth are you talking about?" her mum asked before glaring at her husband. "She gets this from your side of the family!"

"It's Harry Potter!" Astoria blurted out with a huge grin on her face.

Sadly, her little sister was immune to the patented Ice Queen Stare Down.

"Oh my," Evelyn exhaled. "I"ve seen some stories in the paper of course, what with everything that happened last year and all, but... what's he really like?"

"Dreamy," Astoria replied with a sigh.

"He is physically quite attractive," Daphne admitted. "His intelligence is sometimes hard to gauge just from his behavior, which can be quite strange, but he does well in most of his classes from everything I've gathered."

If the rest of her family shot each other looks at her calling someone else's behavior strange, Daphne chose to ignore it. "Magically he is quite capable as well. All in all, I think he'll do well for my future purposes. I just have to get the approval of the Patils."

"Those are his other girlfriends," Astoria added with a snicker. "Well, and he had something going on with the Beauxbatons champion last year too."

"It sounds like this boy gets around," her father said with a snort. "I don't know if that's the right sort-"

"Oh, hush," Evelyn interjected. "Does he make you happy, sweetheart?"

"He has fulfilled all of my requirements so far," Daphne answered.

"Is he a good kisser?" Astoria asked. "He must be to keep all his 'honeys' so happy."

"Honeys?"

Astoria winked at her and then replied to their mum. "That's what Harry calls his girlfriends."

"He did refer to me as his Slytherin honey before we got off the train," Daphne shrugged, trying to be as nonchalant as possible. Astoria and Evelyn exchanged looks and grinned at each other. "I don't know how important the term of endearment is, but as I was saying earlier, it would be essentially all that I'm looking for as a potential consort."

"Consort?" Evelyn frowned. "Sweetheart... are you sure you're feeling alright?"

"Of course," Daphne replied. "I use the term consort for the traditional meaning, in that he could someday potentially father my children, although doing so without wedlock so as to insure the Greengrass name gets passed down."

Evelyn glared at her husband who quickly piped up. "Darling, you know that isn't necessary, right? It's just a last name."

"The line goes back centuries, and it seems an easy enough way for me to continue it," Daphne stated. "The fact that Harry has other entanglements works in my favor, as I believe he'll likely marry both of the Patil twins and thus there will be plenty of opportunity for them to sire Potters."

"Sire," Astoria snorted. "Are you sure she wasn't adopted? Or left here by aliens?"

"You should be glad that I'm as gifted, brilliant, and responsible as I am," she countered her brat of a sister. "You can foolishly 'fall in love' and do whatever else you want because I will take care of our family's reputation. If you all will excuse me, I am going to relax in the bath. It's been a long day."

The rest of her family was quiet as she left the room.

"Do you think she actually relaxes in the bath, or does she just plot some new bit of insanity?" Astoria wondered aloud.

"I don't know where we went wrong with her," Evelyn sighed. "But maybe this is a step in the right direction. A boyfriend- that's surprisingly normal for Daphne."

"Even though he has two other girlfriends?" Cyrus grumbled.

"More girls would be lined up for Harry Potter," Astoria shrugged. "She should be glad that she somehow jumped to the front of the queue."

"Small steps," Evelyn said. "We'll just have to hope that maybe he'll be a good influence on her."

"Let me show you around." Harry took her daughters arm in arm and led them up the stairs of the dark old townhouse where they were spending Boxing Day, and Priya wondered how long they'd be. Hopefully her girls had the good sense not to try for a quickie with their father downstairs.

But with teenage hormones, she wouldn't put it past them.

"Lord Black, it is an honor to meet with you this day," Chandra Patil said as he extended his hand.

"Uh, just call me Sirius," he replied. "We're not big on formality or anything around here."

"Now that's an understatement," another man joined the conversation, his clothes a bit shabby and a few faded scars on his face. "Remus Lupin, at your service. I try to be a good influence on Sirius and Harry when I can."

Priya kept her first reaction to herself, but it was a close thing. She should have recognized the man by the girls' description of their former Defense Professor and his egregious mustache.

"A pleasure to meet you, Mister Lupin," her husband answered. "But Sirius, I was hoping to discuss something important with you. Specifically, making a formal agreement about our childrens' future."

"Huh?"

Priya rolled her eyes. "I told you they wouldn't be interested."

"But the Blacks are one of the oldest pureblood families in the country," Chandra frowned. "I did my research before starting to consider-"

"And I've told you that we don't need to do any sort of formalized negotiations," Priya growled.

"Yeah, neither Harry nor I are into that stuff," Sirius waved it off. "I'm pretty sure your lovely daughters have got their hooks in deep anyway."

"I just wanted to have some reassurances, especially when my daughters' virtue is in question," Chandra replied.

"Er..."

She could tell that Sirius had blanked on hearing that comment. Thankfully, Lupin stepped in to save the day. "Mister Patil, may I show you around the house? While the decor is somewhat questionable, the library has plenty of obscure and esoteric works."

Once the two of them were headed up the stairs, Sirius turned to her and exhaled. "I think I owe Mooney one for that."

"You'll have to forgive my husband," Priya said. "He has these ideas in his head, and I try to let him keep his illusions to himself."

"Right, good," Sirius nodded. "Because I didn't want to say anything, but-"

"I am well aware that my daughters are sexually active, Sirius," she chuckled. "A mother has to take care of these things. Who do you think has talked to them about sex or taught them the Contraceptive Charm? I would never leave any of that to Chandra."

"Oh... cool," Sirus said. "Well, I taught it to Harry too- you know, after you threatened me."

"A young man needs a good role model," Priya replied primly before raising an eyebrow. "But in Harry's case, you'll just have to do."

An hour or so later, the gathering sat down to eat dinner together. Dobby had prepared everything after having beaten Kreacher soundly for the privilege of serving Harry Potter, the most awesome of bros. His new tiny biceps were more than a match for the grumpy old elf.

"Is Tonks working today?" Lupin asked.

Harry looked pointedly at the old perv and Parvati giggled at him.

"I'm not helping you hook up with my cousin, Mooney," Sirius chuckled. "Besides, Andi would do terrible things to me if she thought I was corrupting her little girl. And she's a whole lot scarier than you, mate. Even on the full moon."

"Isn't Tonks in her twenties?" Padma asked. "That's hardly a little girl."

"One day you will understand," Priya said with a smile. "Even when you are old and grey, you will still be my little girl."

The sound of breaking glass came from a nearby room. Harry knocked over his chair as he sprinted off to check for danger.

He skidded to a halt when he heard a hissing voice grumbling about being hungry. "Who's there?"

"Another speaker?" the voice replied.

He looked down and saw a large snake laying behind a couch with a couple of shards of glass sticking out of its scales, apparently having come from the window behind her. "You made a mess, dude."

"I'm not a dude, I'm female," the snake responded. "My name is Nagini. Who are you?"

"I'm Harry Potter," he said.

"Harry, what's... going on?" Sirius asked as he had followed and now stared at the enormous snake.

"I have heard of you, Harry Potter."

"Ha!" he grinned at Sirius. "I'm famous even to snakes."

"Tom used to complain about you all the time," Nagini added.

"Tom?"

"Oh, what was that other name of his..." she muttered, flicking her tongue back and forth for a moment. "Oh yes, I think he prefered Voldemort. Not that I care anymore, the little brat crossed me for the last time. After everything I'd done for him too!"

"That name sounds familiar," Harry mused, scratching his chin.

"You smashed him over a tombstone in a cemetery."

"Oh, that's his name!" Harry replied.

"He was quite whiny after that, I must say," Nagini added. "Frankly, I think he should have taken it as a sign that this whole 'Dark Lord' business is rather silly. But then he'd probably say something like, 'you're just a snake, what would you know?' Honestly, I should have ditched him a long time ago."

"Yeah, he sounds like a bummer," Harry agreed. "So, why are you here anyway?"

"I smelled something yummy to eat. Lots of vermin in this place."

"Oh, yeah, it is kind of a dump."

"Would you be willing to allow me to stay here? The city is rather disgusting."

"Sure," Harry turned to Sirius. "Check it out, I've got a cool new snake!"

He picked Nagini up, hefting all of her massive weight and wrapping her around his shoulders.

There were several shocked faces waiting for him out in the hall.

"We are not making out with you while you carry that snake around," Parvati stated firmly. Padma agreed with a glare.

"No snakes at the dinner table, Harry," Priya added.

"Fine," he said with a pout. "We'll hang out later. Feel free to gobble a few rats. I'm sure Sirius wouldn't mind."

Nagini hissed in approval and slithered up the stairs.

There were even more stares than usual when Harry rode the train back to Hogwarts due to his awesome new snake that he carried around with him as they hissed to each other. It would turn out to be the most well behaved Hogwarts Express trip in years.

Things mostly went well for the next few weeks. The Lifting Army was proving to be a massive success as both his older and younger bros were making sweet gains. Milicent Bulstrode was also doing great, and the Thicc Daddy had helped him come up with an entire plan for her to get sculpted without losing her massive bosom.

And judging by the way Ron occasionally eyed her as they worked out, it was working. By the time Valentine's Day rolled around, Harry would learn that they'd hooked up and been caught in a broom closet together. They lucked out though because it was Pansy Parkinson who caught them and she let them off with a warning since she and Millie were pals.

More importantly for Harry's matchmaking goals though, he found out that McG was going down to Hogsmeade for a drink one night, so he followed after her under his invisibility cloak. He was going to help his favorite teacher get laid- or die trying!

Minerva shivered as she entered the Three Broomsticks that night. Rosmerta waved her over with a smile and reached for a bottle of the good stuff. "Minnie, I was starting to think you were too busy."

"Thankfully, no," she replied as she sat down. "Harry's group has kept his hooligans so busy that they haven't gotten up to much mischief lately. Or perhaps, I should say that the endeavor has kept him too busy to get into..."

She sighed and took a sip of scotch. "If you had told me that James Potter and Sirius Black were just a warm up for what Harry would do in his school years, I think I would have retired several years ago."

Rosmerta laughed. "Oh, who do you think you're kidding? You love that boy."

"He can be quite charming," she said with a smile. "But he also does things like carry a twenty foot long python around the school."

"I'd heard rumors of his snake," Rosmerta giggled.

"As mad as it may sound, it's doing wonders for the old house rivalries," Minerva sighed. "The younger Slytherins apparently think it makes Harry 'cool' and several of them have started spending more time with others outside their house. As well, Nagini sometimes follows Miss Bulstrode down to the dungeons after one of their group meetings and she frightened one of the upper years off when he'd been trying to bully some of the younger students."

"Are we sure it was the snake who broke Pucey's arm?" Rosmerta wondered. "I've seen Bulstrode before, and she could have handled that by herself, I'd wager."

"Officially, it was ruled an accident," Minerva replied with a snort. "I believe he merely didn't want to admit to being beaten up by a girl, even if she is the largest girl in the school."

"Well, as I've heard some of the kids say, here's to girl power," Rosmerta toasted and they clinked their glasses together.

It was just before they made their toast that the invisible Harry Potter used the switching spell to spike the drinks.

"Not much of a crowd tonight," Rosmerta said as she poured them each another drink. "Too cold out for many people, I suppose."

"I had hoped that would make for a quiet night," Minerva replied.

"After dealing with all the teenagers, I'd guess that's exactly what you were looking for."

"Indeed."

"And maybe someone to commiserate with?" Rosmerta added with a sly grin. "The last Hogsmeade weekend was rough. So many of the kids cuddling together in corners 'for warmth.' I think I like how open Harry and those girls of his are instead of trying to be all sly about things."

"I wish he were a little more circumspect at times," Minerva answered. "Harry and Parvati were escorting Miss Greengrass down to the dungeons two nights ago after curfew-"

"Did they get in trouble?"

"Harry was using his cloak and he still carries around Albus' note, acting as if it gives him carte blanche to break the rules," she rolled her eyes.

"And yet you don't call him on it, do you?" Rosmerta chuckled.

"For all my complaints, he's a fine young man," Minerva smiled. "He's more than a little bit of a scamp, but he's got a good heart. I must say, I've been shocked at how good he's been as a prefect. I can't remember the last time I've seen an upper year who went out of his way to help the first years."

"Oh yes, like how he helped them all sneak down to Hogsmeade a couple of weeks ago?" Rosmerta asked.

"I notice that no one in town reported it," Minerva replied.

"Of course not! They were spending money!" the barkeep laughed. "Besides, Harry was watching over them all. As you said, he's a good lad. To Harry Potter!"

They clinked their glasses together again.

Minerva set hers down and rubbed at her throat. "Is this stronger than usual?"

"No," Rosmerta answered as she showed off the bottle. "Same thing we were having last time. Why?"

"I'm not sure."

"Do I need to be cutting you off early?" Rosmerta giggled. "You know, you're a fine woman, Minnie. Do you ever think of finding a new man?"

"I have plenty on my plate, you know that," Minerva scowled.

"I'm just saying," her friend held up her hands. "If I were a man, I wouldn't kick you out of bed."

"Thank you," she replied as she took another sip.

"You know who else I wouldn't kick out of bed?" Rosmerta asked. "Harry Potter. If he were single, I'd show off a little more cleavage the next time he comes down here. What do you think?"

"Even if I were thirty years younger, I think Harry would be too much trouble for me to handle," Minerva said.

"Oh come on, don't be like that," Rosmerta laughed again.

"Yeah, don't be like that, McG," Harry said as he sat down at the bar next to them.

"Harry!" Rosmerta said as she leaned over the bar and winked at him. "How's one of my favorite customers?"

"I'm bummed out," he sighed.

"Why?"

"What are you doing here, Harry?" McG asked.

"Well, I was hoping to help you out."

"What do you mean?"

"I saw how you and Rosie were getting all friendly and I thought maybe there could be something there, you know?" he shrugged. "But I guess that lust potion Sirius got me wasn't any good or something."

"Lust potion," McG hissed at him. "You spiked our drinks?"

"I just wanted you to be happy." His shoulders slumped. "You told me to stop trying to hook you up with a wizard dude, so I figured maybe a witch would be better, and Rosmerta is nice and a babe."

"Well, aren't you just the sweetest," Rosmerta giggled. "Maybe I should take you upstairs?"

McG had dragged him back to Hogwarts after that and for the first time ever, she gave him detention. A week of it.

His honeys had laughed at him and refused to be sympathetic. Daphne merely said he was foolish to reveal his failure as now further attempts would be that much more difficult- and that he should have gone to her if he wanted a powerful potion.

Thankfully, he could use his time turner to be in two places at once and thus the LA didn't suffer even while he had to help Filch clean up filthy stuff.

Meanwhile, Voldemort gathered his Death Eaters and set off for Azkaban...