A/N: Random craziness inspired by my second experience driving in traffic.
Much fun. Enjoy! And Harry Potter's not mine, though Lyri Strider is and
please ask me before you use her.
I am an American, writing in America, and so therefore this is written based on driving in America. If anyone is so inspired as to do a British companion, feel free, but let me know so I can read!
Also, simply to cover my butt, this is for fun and should not be taken seriously. DON'T DRIVE LIKE THIS.
Lyri's Guide To Driving...
Introduction:
At the age of sixteen, Muggle children are introduced to the fine art of driving. This is a complicated process involving thirty hours of classroom time in which they learn rules one cannot follow on the road, six hours of torturing a responsible driver during lessons, and lots of family bonding time during which the child's father screams directions and the child's mother grips the dashboard in a vice-like fashion.
For the busy witch or wizard trying to fit into Muggle society, however, this process can be skipped thanks to the clever book you are currently holding. By following these instructions about the basics of driving, you will fit in on the roads perfectly.
Enjoy, and happy driving!
Part 1: The basics of the car...
The first thing you need is to get a basic understanding of the most important parts of the car, which are as follows: the steering wheel, the brake, the gas petal, the horn, the crazy foolish stick no one knows the proper name of, the gas gauge, and the radio.
If you sit in the driver's seat, you will immediately see the steering wheel and the horn. The wheel is, obviously, the round thing in front of you. If you turn the wheel left, the car will go left. If you turn the wheel right, the car will go right. Simple, yes? Remember, in order to go straight, you must turn the wheel back to the straight position. Otherwise, the car will travel in a circle, which is great fun, but frowned upon on the roads.
While we are looking at the dashboard, you will notice the button on the wheel. Go on and press it. Yes, that loud noise is the horn. This is a delightful way to get the attention of other drivers and to express displeasure. Press it again, and notice that the longer you press the longer the horn will sound. This is at least as much fun as traveling in a circle. Bonus points if you can honk out your favorite tune.
Next you will notice, on the floor, the brake and the gas petal. The brake will stop the vehicle, and the gas will propel the vehicle forward. The preferred use of both these petals is to slam them down into the floor in order to wear out the tires quickly. This enables you to buy new ones, and ladies should note that auto shops are excellent places to meet all sorts of men. Please note, though, that you will wish to avoid them if they are covered in grease or do not speak English.
Now, on to the foolish stick. This changes what gear the car is in. R will put the car in reverse. (Meaning it will go backward. Beware of this; it is impossible to go backward in a straight line.) P will park the car, or make it impossible to move. It is great fun to put the car in park and ask your friends to push it, though it often makes them angry. D will put the car in drive, meaning it will go forward. No one is exactly certain what the other gears do, and therefore they should be ignored.
The last important component of your car is the radio. Much like the gas and brake, this is best if used in excess. Put on the most annoying music you can find and turn it up as loud as it will go.
Ah yes! The gas gauge! This is a foolish Muggle idea, and you can use a simple charm to ensure that you always have enough gas. Ignore it.
You will of course notice other things, such as a dial to tell you how fast you are going. Ignore these; they are mere distractions to make driving seem more complicated. You may use the mirrors, however, to check makeup and apply it if you so desire.
Now that you know how the car is operated, let's discuss the road.
Part 2: The basics of the road...
You will notice the lines in the road the second you pull onto it. These are important. If you see two solid yellow lines, you should not cross them or you will find yourself in oncoming traffic. Anything else, however, is fair game, and feel free to ignore those lines as you wish.
Next: the traffic light. A green light tells you that it's your turn to go, and you should continue at your usual speed. A yellow light tells you to speed up and hurry through the light. Push the gas petal down into the floor even harder. A red light, however, is more complicated. If there are cars in front of you, you should stop. Otherwise you are likely to hit them, and for some reason, Muggles get angry when you hit them with cars. If, however, you find yourself to be the first one at the red light, hit the gas, close your eyes, and point the car where you want it to go. It is often wise to press that lovely horn button while doing so. You will undoubtedly hear squealing tires and possibly loud crashes. Ignore this and drive away before they get the license plate number.
Another inconvenience along the road is the stop sign. You will recognize these immediately, as they are red and say "Stop" in the middle. These are also to be ignored, along with those foolish speed limit signs. In order to drive like a real Muggle, it is best to feign blindness where other signs are concerned, with the exception of one, and that is the much- beloved speed bump.
The speed bump is a wonderful diversion found usually in areas where the Muggle authorities want drivers to drive slowly. However, Muggles have discovered (and therefore I pass on to you) that the Muggle authorities are usually to be found at the local doughnut shop and do not care how you drive. As such, when you see the signs warning you of a speed bump, you can get the most fun out of it by speeding up. You will go over it with a jolt that will likely pick the car up off the road. Back up slowly, and repeat until your back end is sore.
Part 3: Situations
There are certain situations in which every driver will find themselves. This section will give you several ways to handle them, and you will undoubtedly find your own.
Crossing lanes of traffic at an intersection
The Gryffindor Method: follow the directions given for red lights above.
The Hufflepuff Method: sit there and let other cars go by. This, however, angers the drivers behind you. Eventually, however, some little old woman will let you go. The Slytherin Method: pull out and follow the Hufflepuff Method. Other cars can go around you if they wish to be a pain in the ass. Once the light turns red, you will find that no one can move until you do, and you may take your time in crossing the intersection. The Ravenclaw Method: Find a route that does not require you to do this.
You are angry at another driver's driving.
There is only one real method to solve this. You must express your displeasure to the other driver. Use that horn, shout insults and curses, or just shoot them a universal gesture. They will get the hint.
You get in an accident.
The General Method: See Situation #2. The Slytherin Method: Pass them money. Muggles are easily amazed by the sight of gold. A few Galleons will do nicely. The Ravenclaw Method: Convince the other driver it's their fault, then offer to forget all about it. The Hufflepuff Method: Take responsibility immediately. They'll probably use the Ravenclaw method on you anyway... The Gryffindor Method: Drive away. If you cannot drive away, apparate away. This has yet to fail me.
I hope these little tips serve you well out on the roads. Follow this advice, and you'll be driving like your average Muggle in no time!!
I am an American, writing in America, and so therefore this is written based on driving in America. If anyone is so inspired as to do a British companion, feel free, but let me know so I can read!
Also, simply to cover my butt, this is for fun and should not be taken seriously. DON'T DRIVE LIKE THIS.
Lyri's Guide To Driving...
Introduction:
At the age of sixteen, Muggle children are introduced to the fine art of driving. This is a complicated process involving thirty hours of classroom time in which they learn rules one cannot follow on the road, six hours of torturing a responsible driver during lessons, and lots of family bonding time during which the child's father screams directions and the child's mother grips the dashboard in a vice-like fashion.
For the busy witch or wizard trying to fit into Muggle society, however, this process can be skipped thanks to the clever book you are currently holding. By following these instructions about the basics of driving, you will fit in on the roads perfectly.
Enjoy, and happy driving!
Part 1: The basics of the car...
The first thing you need is to get a basic understanding of the most important parts of the car, which are as follows: the steering wheel, the brake, the gas petal, the horn, the crazy foolish stick no one knows the proper name of, the gas gauge, and the radio.
If you sit in the driver's seat, you will immediately see the steering wheel and the horn. The wheel is, obviously, the round thing in front of you. If you turn the wheel left, the car will go left. If you turn the wheel right, the car will go right. Simple, yes? Remember, in order to go straight, you must turn the wheel back to the straight position. Otherwise, the car will travel in a circle, which is great fun, but frowned upon on the roads.
While we are looking at the dashboard, you will notice the button on the wheel. Go on and press it. Yes, that loud noise is the horn. This is a delightful way to get the attention of other drivers and to express displeasure. Press it again, and notice that the longer you press the longer the horn will sound. This is at least as much fun as traveling in a circle. Bonus points if you can honk out your favorite tune.
Next you will notice, on the floor, the brake and the gas petal. The brake will stop the vehicle, and the gas will propel the vehicle forward. The preferred use of both these petals is to slam them down into the floor in order to wear out the tires quickly. This enables you to buy new ones, and ladies should note that auto shops are excellent places to meet all sorts of men. Please note, though, that you will wish to avoid them if they are covered in grease or do not speak English.
Now, on to the foolish stick. This changes what gear the car is in. R will put the car in reverse. (Meaning it will go backward. Beware of this; it is impossible to go backward in a straight line.) P will park the car, or make it impossible to move. It is great fun to put the car in park and ask your friends to push it, though it often makes them angry. D will put the car in drive, meaning it will go forward. No one is exactly certain what the other gears do, and therefore they should be ignored.
The last important component of your car is the radio. Much like the gas and brake, this is best if used in excess. Put on the most annoying music you can find and turn it up as loud as it will go.
Ah yes! The gas gauge! This is a foolish Muggle idea, and you can use a simple charm to ensure that you always have enough gas. Ignore it.
You will of course notice other things, such as a dial to tell you how fast you are going. Ignore these; they are mere distractions to make driving seem more complicated. You may use the mirrors, however, to check makeup and apply it if you so desire.
Now that you know how the car is operated, let's discuss the road.
Part 2: The basics of the road...
You will notice the lines in the road the second you pull onto it. These are important. If you see two solid yellow lines, you should not cross them or you will find yourself in oncoming traffic. Anything else, however, is fair game, and feel free to ignore those lines as you wish.
Next: the traffic light. A green light tells you that it's your turn to go, and you should continue at your usual speed. A yellow light tells you to speed up and hurry through the light. Push the gas petal down into the floor even harder. A red light, however, is more complicated. If there are cars in front of you, you should stop. Otherwise you are likely to hit them, and for some reason, Muggles get angry when you hit them with cars. If, however, you find yourself to be the first one at the red light, hit the gas, close your eyes, and point the car where you want it to go. It is often wise to press that lovely horn button while doing so. You will undoubtedly hear squealing tires and possibly loud crashes. Ignore this and drive away before they get the license plate number.
Another inconvenience along the road is the stop sign. You will recognize these immediately, as they are red and say "Stop" in the middle. These are also to be ignored, along with those foolish speed limit signs. In order to drive like a real Muggle, it is best to feign blindness where other signs are concerned, with the exception of one, and that is the much- beloved speed bump.
The speed bump is a wonderful diversion found usually in areas where the Muggle authorities want drivers to drive slowly. However, Muggles have discovered (and therefore I pass on to you) that the Muggle authorities are usually to be found at the local doughnut shop and do not care how you drive. As such, when you see the signs warning you of a speed bump, you can get the most fun out of it by speeding up. You will go over it with a jolt that will likely pick the car up off the road. Back up slowly, and repeat until your back end is sore.
Part 3: Situations
There are certain situations in which every driver will find themselves. This section will give you several ways to handle them, and you will undoubtedly find your own.
Crossing lanes of traffic at an intersection
The Gryffindor Method: follow the directions given for red lights above.
The Hufflepuff Method: sit there and let other cars go by. This, however, angers the drivers behind you. Eventually, however, some little old woman will let you go. The Slytherin Method: pull out and follow the Hufflepuff Method. Other cars can go around you if they wish to be a pain in the ass. Once the light turns red, you will find that no one can move until you do, and you may take your time in crossing the intersection. The Ravenclaw Method: Find a route that does not require you to do this.
You are angry at another driver's driving.
There is only one real method to solve this. You must express your displeasure to the other driver. Use that horn, shout insults and curses, or just shoot them a universal gesture. They will get the hint.
You get in an accident.
The General Method: See Situation #2. The Slytherin Method: Pass them money. Muggles are easily amazed by the sight of gold. A few Galleons will do nicely. The Ravenclaw Method: Convince the other driver it's their fault, then offer to forget all about it. The Hufflepuff Method: Take responsibility immediately. They'll probably use the Ravenclaw method on you anyway... The Gryffindor Method: Drive away. If you cannot drive away, apparate away. This has yet to fail me.
I hope these little tips serve you well out on the roads. Follow this advice, and you'll be driving like your average Muggle in no time!!