Disclaimer: Tolkien owns LOTR and all things Middle Earth, blah blah blah.
Chapter 36 - Coming to Terms With One's Own Stupidity
Roxy and Georn were picked up at the airport from their honeymoon by Elladan. Both were only mildly surprised that he had learned how to drive in the six short months they had been back. Roxy was a bit annoyed that Alania hadn't been at the airport to welcome them home as they hadn't seen each other since two weeks after they had come home, but Elladan explained that she was away on business and would see them the next day.
When they reached the house, Roxy was astonished at the changes. It seemed that Alania had thrown herself into changing the landscape and décor of the house. When she questioned Elladan about it, she discovered that Alania had thrown herself into many projects, not the least of which was her new business, which she ran with Elladan. Wanting to know more, Roxy and Georn made their way inside to greet Gandalf and talk about what had happened the past months they were away.
Their first week back, Roxy and Georn had helped Alania organize the very basics before setting off on their trip. While Alania busied herself with getting her car working properly and filling the cupboards, Roxy took care of hooking up the electricity and phone lines and Georn had gone about with Elladan doing the most urgent repairs on the house. For his part, Gandalf locked himself in Alania's meager library until Roxy laughingly taught him how to use the computer and internet. He had been addicted to it since then. The lot of them hardly rested during that first week, but the improvements and stocked kitchen were evidence of work well done.
Roxy had been concerned about leaving Alania for such a long time, knowing that her friend was heartbroken. But Alania insisted that they go and wished them well at the airport. Now that they were back, Roxy knew that her worries were well founded. The house had been repainted as well as had serious trim work done. Along with the new landscaping the land seemed more in tune with Middle Earth now. It was beautiful to say the least, and clearly Elladan had helped in the design of it all, but it concerned Roxy nonetheless. When Elladan informed Roxy of Alania's new business, Roxy wanted desperately to talk to Alania.
The following afternoon saw Alania return from her business trip, and she was thrilled to be reunited with Roxy; at least for a little longer. The group shared a wonderful dinner and Roxy and Georn told stories from their trip while passing around photos. Roxy watched Alania and noted that though she smiled and laughed at the appropriate places, she seemed tired and withdrawn. She pulled Alania out for a long walk and discussion later that night.
The two walked in silence to the large clearing near Alania's home. There they sat and looked up at the stars. Roxy wanted very much for Alania to come out of the shell she had obviously built up around herself and was about to pry her for answers when Alania surprised her by speaking first.
"You know, I come here often and lay under the stars. I watch and wait for a shooting star and every time my wish is the same. It's him, Roxy. I always wish for him at my side, here with me. I was so stupid Roxy. You were right all along. It was never my decision to make for him and I ruined everything wonderful I could have had with him by hurting him the way I did." She laughed and shook her head in disgust with herself. "The last 6 months I've thrown myself into this house and building up a clientele with Elladan with an almost religious zeal. And all to keep from thinking about him and my foolishness. I can't imagine how much he must hate me."
"Alania, chica? What happened between you two?", asked Roxy.
"When I found out what you were talking about with Gandalf, I panicked. I was so worried about when he would grow tired of me or think me ugly or stop wanted me. I was afraid of growing old next to him if he stayed young. And I know I was afraid of when he would leave me. I once faulted him for not respecting my thoughts when it came to things that were important to him, and like an idiot I did the very thing to him that I hated done to me. But because I was so blind and scared I let him believe that I didn't want him anymore. That I slept with someone else. I never actually lied to him, but I didn't deny it either when he accused me of it. My God, Roxy. I think I killed something inside him. You should have seen the look in his eyes. There's no way I could even begin to apologize and make up for that hurt."
Roxy said nothing for a long time. There was no point in scolding Alania for her mistake, she was already in a world of pain and yearning. Instead, Roxy felt that she needed to help Alania move forward because, though she hoped she'd be able to make it happen, Roxy wasn't sure if Alania would ever see Legolas again.
Finally, Roxy decided on a slight change of topic and asked, "So, if you've been so busy trying to forget him then why the décor change and what's with the business?"
"I'm not trying to forget him, Roxy. Just trying to keep from thinking about him 24/7. Besides, I like the changes to the house. It reminds me of Rivendell. I mean Elladan lives here now and I want him to feel like he's home. You know he's decided to stay, right? I've tried to talk him out of it, telling him that Elrohir and Celeborn would miss him something awful. But he says he likes it here; that's it's a new adventure for him and he likes his work.", said Alania. There was something else that made Elladan decide this, but Alania felt that Gandalf was better off explaining the why's and how's of it than she.
She continued, "As for work. well dancing seems almost trivial now, you know? After everything we've been through, I just don't feel the same about it anymore. And I had been gone for a year. I lost almost all my old contacts, and the ones who did talk to me weren't interested in me choreographing for them. So it was a kind of happy accident that Elladan and I are doing what we do. He and I were practicing one morning when I got a delivery, and the delivery guy was really interested in what we were doing. Long story short, one thing led to another and now we've got a handful of private clients learning elvish self-defense. It's strangely ironic. One of our students is in the film industry and wants us to help on set with the fights."
"So what you're telling me is that you've gone from one kind of choreography to another? You're right, that is a bit ironic.", said Roxy, "Does it make you happy?"
"Oh, I don't know about happy, but it does feel like I'm doing something productive and it fulfills something in me. I think, in a way, it makes me feel closer to him, you know?"
"Yeah, I know, chica. I know."
They talked more about the ins and outs of the business and what Gandalf had been doing all the time they were away. It seemed that Gandalf became quite addicted to the internet and battling online chess opponents. And both Elladan and Gandalf enjoyed movies quite a bit. Alania admitted to crying while watching the Star Wars saga because of Teleris. Two days later she and Elladan decided to name their technique of fighting after him and so the Telerian style of martial arts was born. Roxy thought it a fitting tribute to him.
As they returned to the house, Roxy said "Alania, I want you to do something for me. Well, it's more for you than me."
"What is it?", replied Alania.
"I want you to write a letter to him. Tell him everything and anything. You need to get it off your chest. Georn and I are going back with Gandalf in a few days, and if you like I can take it with me for him."
"Roxy, I don't know. What good would a letter do? He probably hates me and would rip it to shreds before he even read it."
"That may be, but at least you'll get it out of your system and can say you tried. I don't want you to be 80 and regret not having tried. The worst thing that can happen is nothing."
Alania nodded and said, "I'll think about it."
Later that night, Alania replayed her last day with Legolas and silently cried and wished she could change it. She felt so empty without him, and no matter how much she tried to fill her days, it did nothing to ease the ache in her heart. So she put on a brave face for her friends even as she was screaming inside.
Tossing and turning in her bed, Alania knew she would get no rest that night and decided to try Roxy's suggestion. She got up and began writing. Several hours later Alania sealed the envelope and fell into an exhausted sleep.
Alania spent the next few days at home, savoring her remaining time with Roxy, Georn and Gandalf. She made an extra effort to be with Gandalf, whom she realized she would miss tremendously. He hadn't questioned her about Legolas even once, knowing it was a source of pain for her. Instead, he had been an enormous help in keeping her distracted with questions about her world when he saw she was beginning to wallow in depression. They had begun a long steady game of chess several weeks back, and now they were attempting to finish it before he left.
As she waited for him to play his next move she gathered enough nerve to ask something that had been plaguing her since Elladan had announced his decision to stay. "Gandalf, are you sure about Elladan? I don't want him to decide this if you aren't sure."
Gandalf smiled reassuringly and replied, "Honestly, I cannot be sure about anything. But it seems that as nothing here is immortal and magic is non- existent here, that it is logical to believe that elves will grow old and die in this world. Further, it is possible that the change to a mortal life is made once an elf passes through the portal. It is hard for me to say what is absolute regarding this. The only way to truly find out is to try and see what will happen. Elladan is aware of these facts and has decided to stay. Time will tell."
Alania paused as Gandalf's words sunk in. "Wait. Are you saying that it's possible that Elladan became mortal immediately? That it won't happen with time? But if that's the case, then.", and she let her words drift off.
"Yes, Alania.", answered Gandalf to her unspoken question, "It is possible that Legolas is already mortal and does not know it, nor can change it. For it is definitely not possible for a mortal to become immortal."
Alania gasped and looked at Gandalf with distress. "Oh, Gandalf. That is a cruel thing to have said to me now. And a terrible thing you have done to Legolas." Many thoughts and questions ran through her mind, and she hadn't any idea where to begin.
"When Legolas accepted the mission, he knew that he would possibly have to lay his life for it. He chose to accept the mission along with all its consequences, Alania. It has been his choice all along. And I am not so sure he will be upset when I tell him about this.", said Gandalf in answer to her silent questions.
A sad little smile played on Alania's mouth as she listened to Gandalf. She realized she would miss his ability to say so much with so few words. Even now he was attempting to impart some of his wisdom on her.
Alania sighed and said, "I will miss you something awful, Gandalf. And I appreciate your sage wisdom. But I am afraid that Legolas will only see it as a fitting comedic end to all this. I am quite sure he will only hate me more for it; no matter it has nothing to do with me."
"I think you underestimate the heart of your elf, Alania. I know you have not been yourself since Rivendell and that you believe you are hiding your pain well. We sense your longing and ache. I can do nothing for it except to say to you that things have a way of working themselves out for the best of all those involved. Perhaps Legolas does not hate you as much as you believe."
"That may be, Gandalf, but even if it is so we are separated now by more than distance. I was a fool and terrible to him. To believe he would cross distance and space for me now, is a false hope and I cannot cling to it. I no longer deserve him." That said, Alania got up and bid the wizard a goodnight.
Gandalf watched her go to her room and contemplated the situation. Not one to involve himself in matters of the heart directly, he felt obliged to do so this once. With the decision to speak to Legolas as soon as he could made, Gandalf went to secure the copies of the manuscript Alania had provided for him. They would be departing the next morning.
Elladan said his goodbyes at the house, giving Gandalf a few letters for Elrohir and Celeborn. He watched his friends drive off with a tear in his eyes and his heart heavy. When at last the car was out of hearing range for the elf, he sighed deeply and then smiled with thoughts of his future in this new world.
At the portal, Alania gave Georn several items for friends she and Elladan would not see again, one being a small photo album for Elrohir of Elladan, another a pack of photos for Roxy to be given when she felt homesick. Then she hugged him long and hard and threatened him with certain death if he didn't take care of Roxy before he passed through.
She had a much more difficult time saying goodbye to Roxy. Through much tears the two hugged. Neither said a word to the other when they separated, but merely exchanged knowing and loving looks. Alania pulled out of her pocket the letter she had written for Legolas and gave it to Roxy. Roxy accepted the letter with a nod and smile. Then she looked one last time at Alania and turned to walk through.
Gandalf gave her a moment to compose herself before saying, "It has been a great honor and pleasure to have known you, Alania. Thanks are not nearly enough for what you have sacrificed for Middle Earth. And though I have nothing to give you now for your endeavors, I promise I shall do my best to see that you are rewarded properly." Then he leaned down and kissed her forehead in a fatherly manner and disappeared into the portal before Alania could question him.
A moment later the portal closed and Alania was left in the field, feeling as though the Middle Earth chapter of her life was very definitely over.
************
A/N: It occurs to me, after reading several reviews (and not just of my work), that I need to clear up a misconception regarding elves here. The idea that elves love only once in their incredibly long (some would say immortal, even) lives is simply NOT TRUE. Nowhere, and I mean nowhere, in Tolkien's works or letters does he ever claim that elves only fall in love once.
I believe that this myth sprung up because elves live a tremendously long life, are deeply passionate creatures and have been known to die from grief. So one can see how this idea popped up, but I must point out that it is simply not the case. Elrond and Celeborn's wives both left Middle Earth and neither of them died of grief because they weren't together anymore. Further, though don't ask me to name them, many many many elves lost spouses during various wars and somehow lived through the pain. As tragically romantic a notion it is, not every elf dies if their love isn't near them. That's not to say that they immediately fall in love again, but their emotions probably mirror those of the humans (especially as they were both created by the same being).
Now if you want to learn more, then go to The Encyclopedia of Arda (http://www.glyphweb.com/arda/default.htm). It's a great site for Middle Earth info.
A/N 2: Now with that off my chest, I can say thank you so much for all of the reviews. You guys keep me on my toes and make me happy!! So please. won't you click that button and make me smile. I'm so easily pleased, eh? =)
Chapter 36 - Coming to Terms With One's Own Stupidity
Roxy and Georn were picked up at the airport from their honeymoon by Elladan. Both were only mildly surprised that he had learned how to drive in the six short months they had been back. Roxy was a bit annoyed that Alania hadn't been at the airport to welcome them home as they hadn't seen each other since two weeks after they had come home, but Elladan explained that she was away on business and would see them the next day.
When they reached the house, Roxy was astonished at the changes. It seemed that Alania had thrown herself into changing the landscape and décor of the house. When she questioned Elladan about it, she discovered that Alania had thrown herself into many projects, not the least of which was her new business, which she ran with Elladan. Wanting to know more, Roxy and Georn made their way inside to greet Gandalf and talk about what had happened the past months they were away.
Their first week back, Roxy and Georn had helped Alania organize the very basics before setting off on their trip. While Alania busied herself with getting her car working properly and filling the cupboards, Roxy took care of hooking up the electricity and phone lines and Georn had gone about with Elladan doing the most urgent repairs on the house. For his part, Gandalf locked himself in Alania's meager library until Roxy laughingly taught him how to use the computer and internet. He had been addicted to it since then. The lot of them hardly rested during that first week, but the improvements and stocked kitchen were evidence of work well done.
Roxy had been concerned about leaving Alania for such a long time, knowing that her friend was heartbroken. But Alania insisted that they go and wished them well at the airport. Now that they were back, Roxy knew that her worries were well founded. The house had been repainted as well as had serious trim work done. Along with the new landscaping the land seemed more in tune with Middle Earth now. It was beautiful to say the least, and clearly Elladan had helped in the design of it all, but it concerned Roxy nonetheless. When Elladan informed Roxy of Alania's new business, Roxy wanted desperately to talk to Alania.
The following afternoon saw Alania return from her business trip, and she was thrilled to be reunited with Roxy; at least for a little longer. The group shared a wonderful dinner and Roxy and Georn told stories from their trip while passing around photos. Roxy watched Alania and noted that though she smiled and laughed at the appropriate places, she seemed tired and withdrawn. She pulled Alania out for a long walk and discussion later that night.
The two walked in silence to the large clearing near Alania's home. There they sat and looked up at the stars. Roxy wanted very much for Alania to come out of the shell she had obviously built up around herself and was about to pry her for answers when Alania surprised her by speaking first.
"You know, I come here often and lay under the stars. I watch and wait for a shooting star and every time my wish is the same. It's him, Roxy. I always wish for him at my side, here with me. I was so stupid Roxy. You were right all along. It was never my decision to make for him and I ruined everything wonderful I could have had with him by hurting him the way I did." She laughed and shook her head in disgust with herself. "The last 6 months I've thrown myself into this house and building up a clientele with Elladan with an almost religious zeal. And all to keep from thinking about him and my foolishness. I can't imagine how much he must hate me."
"Alania, chica? What happened between you two?", asked Roxy.
"When I found out what you were talking about with Gandalf, I panicked. I was so worried about when he would grow tired of me or think me ugly or stop wanted me. I was afraid of growing old next to him if he stayed young. And I know I was afraid of when he would leave me. I once faulted him for not respecting my thoughts when it came to things that were important to him, and like an idiot I did the very thing to him that I hated done to me. But because I was so blind and scared I let him believe that I didn't want him anymore. That I slept with someone else. I never actually lied to him, but I didn't deny it either when he accused me of it. My God, Roxy. I think I killed something inside him. You should have seen the look in his eyes. There's no way I could even begin to apologize and make up for that hurt."
Roxy said nothing for a long time. There was no point in scolding Alania for her mistake, she was already in a world of pain and yearning. Instead, Roxy felt that she needed to help Alania move forward because, though she hoped she'd be able to make it happen, Roxy wasn't sure if Alania would ever see Legolas again.
Finally, Roxy decided on a slight change of topic and asked, "So, if you've been so busy trying to forget him then why the décor change and what's with the business?"
"I'm not trying to forget him, Roxy. Just trying to keep from thinking about him 24/7. Besides, I like the changes to the house. It reminds me of Rivendell. I mean Elladan lives here now and I want him to feel like he's home. You know he's decided to stay, right? I've tried to talk him out of it, telling him that Elrohir and Celeborn would miss him something awful. But he says he likes it here; that's it's a new adventure for him and he likes his work.", said Alania. There was something else that made Elladan decide this, but Alania felt that Gandalf was better off explaining the why's and how's of it than she.
She continued, "As for work. well dancing seems almost trivial now, you know? After everything we've been through, I just don't feel the same about it anymore. And I had been gone for a year. I lost almost all my old contacts, and the ones who did talk to me weren't interested in me choreographing for them. So it was a kind of happy accident that Elladan and I are doing what we do. He and I were practicing one morning when I got a delivery, and the delivery guy was really interested in what we were doing. Long story short, one thing led to another and now we've got a handful of private clients learning elvish self-defense. It's strangely ironic. One of our students is in the film industry and wants us to help on set with the fights."
"So what you're telling me is that you've gone from one kind of choreography to another? You're right, that is a bit ironic.", said Roxy, "Does it make you happy?"
"Oh, I don't know about happy, but it does feel like I'm doing something productive and it fulfills something in me. I think, in a way, it makes me feel closer to him, you know?"
"Yeah, I know, chica. I know."
They talked more about the ins and outs of the business and what Gandalf had been doing all the time they were away. It seemed that Gandalf became quite addicted to the internet and battling online chess opponents. And both Elladan and Gandalf enjoyed movies quite a bit. Alania admitted to crying while watching the Star Wars saga because of Teleris. Two days later she and Elladan decided to name their technique of fighting after him and so the Telerian style of martial arts was born. Roxy thought it a fitting tribute to him.
As they returned to the house, Roxy said "Alania, I want you to do something for me. Well, it's more for you than me."
"What is it?", replied Alania.
"I want you to write a letter to him. Tell him everything and anything. You need to get it off your chest. Georn and I are going back with Gandalf in a few days, and if you like I can take it with me for him."
"Roxy, I don't know. What good would a letter do? He probably hates me and would rip it to shreds before he even read it."
"That may be, but at least you'll get it out of your system and can say you tried. I don't want you to be 80 and regret not having tried. The worst thing that can happen is nothing."
Alania nodded and said, "I'll think about it."
Later that night, Alania replayed her last day with Legolas and silently cried and wished she could change it. She felt so empty without him, and no matter how much she tried to fill her days, it did nothing to ease the ache in her heart. So she put on a brave face for her friends even as she was screaming inside.
Tossing and turning in her bed, Alania knew she would get no rest that night and decided to try Roxy's suggestion. She got up and began writing. Several hours later Alania sealed the envelope and fell into an exhausted sleep.
Alania spent the next few days at home, savoring her remaining time with Roxy, Georn and Gandalf. She made an extra effort to be with Gandalf, whom she realized she would miss tremendously. He hadn't questioned her about Legolas even once, knowing it was a source of pain for her. Instead, he had been an enormous help in keeping her distracted with questions about her world when he saw she was beginning to wallow in depression. They had begun a long steady game of chess several weeks back, and now they were attempting to finish it before he left.
As she waited for him to play his next move she gathered enough nerve to ask something that had been plaguing her since Elladan had announced his decision to stay. "Gandalf, are you sure about Elladan? I don't want him to decide this if you aren't sure."
Gandalf smiled reassuringly and replied, "Honestly, I cannot be sure about anything. But it seems that as nothing here is immortal and magic is non- existent here, that it is logical to believe that elves will grow old and die in this world. Further, it is possible that the change to a mortal life is made once an elf passes through the portal. It is hard for me to say what is absolute regarding this. The only way to truly find out is to try and see what will happen. Elladan is aware of these facts and has decided to stay. Time will tell."
Alania paused as Gandalf's words sunk in. "Wait. Are you saying that it's possible that Elladan became mortal immediately? That it won't happen with time? But if that's the case, then.", and she let her words drift off.
"Yes, Alania.", answered Gandalf to her unspoken question, "It is possible that Legolas is already mortal and does not know it, nor can change it. For it is definitely not possible for a mortal to become immortal."
Alania gasped and looked at Gandalf with distress. "Oh, Gandalf. That is a cruel thing to have said to me now. And a terrible thing you have done to Legolas." Many thoughts and questions ran through her mind, and she hadn't any idea where to begin.
"When Legolas accepted the mission, he knew that he would possibly have to lay his life for it. He chose to accept the mission along with all its consequences, Alania. It has been his choice all along. And I am not so sure he will be upset when I tell him about this.", said Gandalf in answer to her silent questions.
A sad little smile played on Alania's mouth as she listened to Gandalf. She realized she would miss his ability to say so much with so few words. Even now he was attempting to impart some of his wisdom on her.
Alania sighed and said, "I will miss you something awful, Gandalf. And I appreciate your sage wisdom. But I am afraid that Legolas will only see it as a fitting comedic end to all this. I am quite sure he will only hate me more for it; no matter it has nothing to do with me."
"I think you underestimate the heart of your elf, Alania. I know you have not been yourself since Rivendell and that you believe you are hiding your pain well. We sense your longing and ache. I can do nothing for it except to say to you that things have a way of working themselves out for the best of all those involved. Perhaps Legolas does not hate you as much as you believe."
"That may be, Gandalf, but even if it is so we are separated now by more than distance. I was a fool and terrible to him. To believe he would cross distance and space for me now, is a false hope and I cannot cling to it. I no longer deserve him." That said, Alania got up and bid the wizard a goodnight.
Gandalf watched her go to her room and contemplated the situation. Not one to involve himself in matters of the heart directly, he felt obliged to do so this once. With the decision to speak to Legolas as soon as he could made, Gandalf went to secure the copies of the manuscript Alania had provided for him. They would be departing the next morning.
Elladan said his goodbyes at the house, giving Gandalf a few letters for Elrohir and Celeborn. He watched his friends drive off with a tear in his eyes and his heart heavy. When at last the car was out of hearing range for the elf, he sighed deeply and then smiled with thoughts of his future in this new world.
At the portal, Alania gave Georn several items for friends she and Elladan would not see again, one being a small photo album for Elrohir of Elladan, another a pack of photos for Roxy to be given when she felt homesick. Then she hugged him long and hard and threatened him with certain death if he didn't take care of Roxy before he passed through.
She had a much more difficult time saying goodbye to Roxy. Through much tears the two hugged. Neither said a word to the other when they separated, but merely exchanged knowing and loving looks. Alania pulled out of her pocket the letter she had written for Legolas and gave it to Roxy. Roxy accepted the letter with a nod and smile. Then she looked one last time at Alania and turned to walk through.
Gandalf gave her a moment to compose herself before saying, "It has been a great honor and pleasure to have known you, Alania. Thanks are not nearly enough for what you have sacrificed for Middle Earth. And though I have nothing to give you now for your endeavors, I promise I shall do my best to see that you are rewarded properly." Then he leaned down and kissed her forehead in a fatherly manner and disappeared into the portal before Alania could question him.
A moment later the portal closed and Alania was left in the field, feeling as though the Middle Earth chapter of her life was very definitely over.
************
A/N: It occurs to me, after reading several reviews (and not just of my work), that I need to clear up a misconception regarding elves here. The idea that elves love only once in their incredibly long (some would say immortal, even) lives is simply NOT TRUE. Nowhere, and I mean nowhere, in Tolkien's works or letters does he ever claim that elves only fall in love once.
I believe that this myth sprung up because elves live a tremendously long life, are deeply passionate creatures and have been known to die from grief. So one can see how this idea popped up, but I must point out that it is simply not the case. Elrond and Celeborn's wives both left Middle Earth and neither of them died of grief because they weren't together anymore. Further, though don't ask me to name them, many many many elves lost spouses during various wars and somehow lived through the pain. As tragically romantic a notion it is, not every elf dies if their love isn't near them. That's not to say that they immediately fall in love again, but their emotions probably mirror those of the humans (especially as they were both created by the same being).
Now if you want to learn more, then go to The Encyclopedia of Arda (http://www.glyphweb.com/arda/default.htm). It's a great site for Middle Earth info.
A/N 2: Now with that off my chest, I can say thank you so much for all of the reviews. You guys keep me on my toes and make me happy!! So please. won't you click that button and make me smile. I'm so easily pleased, eh? =)