A/N: Okay, Chapter Three…. Ermmm… yeah. Well, here it is. I tried to make it a bit longer than the others. Hope you like it!
~*~
Chapter Three
~*~
Sir Ronald is a brilliant knight,
Chosen by the Lord,
With his shining armor, and his jewel-encrusted sword.
His fellow sir and lady ever fighting by his side,
No matter what they face, they will never run and hide.
Ron's cousin's minstrels finished their annoying, nonsense song for the fourth time since boarding the train leaving Hogsmeade.
"Look, I'm going to tell you one last time," Ron said coldly, an inch away from the lead minstrel's face. "I may be a knight, my sword may be jewel-encrusted, Harry and Hermione may be coming along, and I appreciate your encouragement, but STOP YOUR BLOODY SINGING!"
"Hey, he appreciates our song!" the lead minstrel said cheerfully. "One more time, boys!"
Ron growled as the minstrels stuck up the infernal melody once more.
~*~
"Next stop, Lachrymose! Lachrymose next!" The conductor's huge voice boomed through the compartments.
"Gasp!" said Ron. "We've got to get ready! That's our stop!"
"Lachrymose?" said Harry. "I thought we were going to Camelot."
"You know Camelot doesn't exist anymore… the area's now called Lachrymose," Hermione told him.
"Lachrymose! We've arrived at Lachrymose!" the conductor bellowed.
"Come on, guys! We've got to go!" Ron shouted.
Hermione and Harry gathered their things and followed Ron out of the train.
~*~
Ron, Harry, Hermione, the minstrels, and a servant called Fatsy took about three steps out of the train station, but they couldn't take anymore, unless they wanted to go for a less-than-refreshing swim, because right where their toes ended, Lachrymose Lake began. If you saw this lake, you might say something to the effect of, "Oh, what a lovely lake! Maybe I'll forget all about my important business meeting and go for a swim!" But if you did forget all about you important business meeting and went for a swim, you wouldn't attend anymore important business meetings at all. Because Lachrymose Lake was infested with tiny, vicious little leeches. But the Lachrymose Leeches are not the kind that stick on to little girls who live by creeks's legs, they were attracted to people who had just eaten food. And if, less than an hour before you decided to forget all about your important business meeting and go for a swim, you had eaten a lovely picnic, the Lachrymose Leeches will swarm around you, and you would never live to see another important business meeting again.
"Watch out for them leeches," The old conductor warned them. "Them leeches got six rows o' sharp teeth, an' a mighty sharp nose. They can smell food on yeh from all the way across the lake. An' if you don' wait an hour after yeh eat, you're a goner."
Harry gulped. "It's er… it's nice of you t-to warn us," he said, in a voice that was almost inaudible, a word which here means, "so quiet, that Ron, Hermione, the minstrels, Fatsy, and the conductor had trouble hearing him."
"Ah, don' worry too much 'bout it, lad. Them leeches won' come anywhere near yeh if yeh ain't eaten lately," the conductor said as he ruffled Harry's hair a bit. Harry grimaced and tried to smooth it back down. The conductor glanced at his watch. "Well, better get back to the train. Good luck, knights o'… knights o'… erm, what's it that you're callin' yerselves?"
"The Knights…"-Ron paused dramatically-"of the Square Table."
The conductor grinned. "All right, well, good luck, o Knights o' the Square Table." He snickered.
~*~
"Knights of the Square Table? What were you thinking?!" Hermione hissed. She, Ron, Harry, and Fatsy were all seated on random pieces of furniture in a rather ratty hotel room. The minstrels had gotten a room to themselves.
"Well, King Arthur's knight's were called the Knights of the Round Table, so why not square?" Ron asked.
"It sounds silly!" Harry said.
"Well, I'm sure the Knights of the Round Table sounded funny to them back then, too!"
"Fine. But just don't go about pausing all dramatically, like it's such a great name," Hermione said gruffly.
"If you all think it's so awful, why don't you think of one?"
"Well, personally, I don't think it's so bad, my liege," Fatsy said timidly.
"Thank you, Fatsy. Oh by the way, did you find the coconuts?"
"Oh yes, my liege, they're right here." Fatsy produced two halves of a coconut, and hit them together in demonstration. They made a lovely horse-like clop-clop sound.
"What are those for?" Harry asked.
Ron blushed. "Well, we couldn't really afford horses… so…"
"Oh no, don't tell me we're going to gallop about banging those together!" Hermione said incredulously.
Ron blushed all the more and looked at the floor sheepishly.
"Excuse me, my liege, but I think it's a rather good idea," said Fatsy.
"Thanks, Fatsy," he mumbled.
Harry sighed. "Can we please just focus on what we're going to do tomorrow when we start our journey?"
Ron looked up. He slowly produced a map from his pocket. He spread it out on the middle of the floor.
"We're right here," he said, pointing to a spot on the side of a big blue spot, symbolizing the lake. "I thought we'd set off across the lake, to save time, so we won't have to travel too much at night, unless you want to go around."
"W-well… okay…just as long as we eat an early breakfast… I don't like the sound of those leeches," Harry said.
"Right. Then we'll arrive at a castle, a little ways past the other side of the lake. I'm not sure who lives there, but we'll find out from someone, I suppose. So we set off tomorrow. Right then, get a good night's rest, everyone. Sorry it's a bit cramped in here."
~*~
Awake, awake, good sir knight,
For morning, she is here.
Don't waste all day in your room,
Sitting on your rear.
You have a quest to-
"Arrrrgh!" Ron shouted. He sat up in bed with his eyes still half-closed. "What's wrong with you minstrels? I told you to cut that out! My cousin may let you wake him up early in the morning with an annoying hymn, but I'm borrowing you, so therefore you are in my custody! And I said no more bloody singing!"
"No," the lead minstrel said glumly. "Robin won't let us sing. He locks us up in the cellar when he's not using us." He sniffed. "We may be minstrels, but we have feelings, too!" He finished passionately. The other three minstrels nodded and clapped.
"Robin? As in Sir Robin?" Harry asked.
"Well, he is Robin the 14th, so you never know, do you?" Ron replied, and then yawned.
"I remember my great-grandfather, telling me a story about his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-ow!" He received a jab in the ribs by another minstrel. "Ahem, well, about fourteen generations back, and how he was in the company of Sir Robin himself."
"Gasp, Ron, you're related to a Knight of the Round Table!" Hermione gasped.
"That must be why God chose me," he said, looking up at the cracked ceiling. A bit of plaster fell on his face.
"And fourteen generations from now, your descendants will be saying, 'Gasp, I'm related to a Knight of the Square Table!'" Harry said jokingly.
"Shut up," Ron said, throwing a pillow at him. "Besides, yours will be saying a lot more than that. 'I'm related to the Boy Who Lived, the only known defeater of You-Know-Who, the youngest Seeker in a century, and a Knight of the Square Table!'" he added glumly.
"Cheer up, my liege, you will be in many books and stories, also, you'll see," Fatsy said kindly. "I can see it now, 'Ronald Weasley and the Holy Grail'!"
"Yeah, and also, 'Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone', 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets', 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban', 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire', 'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix'…" Ron said, sounding more depressed with each title.
"'Order of the Phoenix'? What's that one for?" Harry asked.
"It's bound to happen," Ron said with a shrug.
~*~
Ron, Harry… and everyone else galloped toward Damocles Dock, with Fatsy galloping in the back, banging the coconuts together.
When they "dismounted" from their "horses" and Damocles Dock, they were "greeted" by a man named "Captain Sham".
There are many situations in which you use quotation marks. One is when someone is talking. Another is if you are quoting a title of something. And yet another is when you want to suggest that something is not real. You have most likely seen people hold up two fingers on each hand and bend them twice while saying something, as if they were acting out the Little Bunny Foo-Foo song. When doing this, they are most likely suggesting that the thing they have just said is not real, unless they are a secret agent communicating in a bending-two-fingers-while-saying-things code.
When I quotated those things just up there, I was suggesting that they are not real. Because, as you know, Ron and his knights don't have horses, so they cannot dismount from them. But, as you may not know, "Captain Sham" is not really Captain Sham. He is a despicable man named Count Olaf. And he did not actually "greet" them. He rather glared at them and smirked.
"Erm... he-hello," Ron stuttered, a bit frightened by the evil-looking man.
The man's face suddenly stretched into an awful-looking smile, which looked horribly out of place on his face.
"Why hello, good sir knight!" he said "gleefully". "I am Count -ahem- Captain Sham. How can I help you today?"
"Erm… w-we kind of wanted t-to use a boat t-to get across th-the lake,"
"Captain Sham" did not answer.
"Yes, w-well… do you have a-any b-boats?"
Silence.
"R-right, well, we'll have a look, shall we?" Ron said, and then started to walk towards the boats.
"None shall pass," said Captain Sham.
"What?" asked Ron.
"None shall pass."
"I have no quarrel with you, Captain, but I must cross this lake," Ron said with an air of regality, a phrase which here means, "using old English grammar."
"Then you shall die."
"I command you to stand aside!"
"I move for no man!"
"So be it!"
And with that, Ron charged at "Captain Sham", and cut his left arm off with his jewel-encrusted sword.
"Now stand aside worthy adversary."
"'Tis but a scratch!"
"A scratch? Your arm's off!"
"I've had worse!"
"You liar!"
"Come on you pansy!"
Then, Ron charged at "Captain Sham" again, this time cutting his right arm off.
"Victory is mine!" Ron knelt down. "I thank thee, oh Lord, that in thy merc- ow!" "Captain Sham" kicked him in the head.
"Come on then!" he shouted.
"What?"
"Have at you!"
"You are indeed brave, Captain, but the fight is mine."
"Oh, had enough, eh?"
"Look, you stupid git, you've got no arms left!"
"Yes I have."
"What's that, then?" Ron said as he pointed to "Captain Sham's" arms, lying on the ground.
"It's just a flesh wound!" he said as he head butted Ron in the chest.
"Look, stop that!"
"Chicken, chicken! Bwak! Bwak!"
"Look, I'll have your leg!" he said, and chopped "Captain Sham's" left leg off.
"Right, I'll do you for that!"
"You'll what?"
"Come here!"
"What are you going to do, bleed on me?"
"I'm invincible!"
"You're a loony."
"Captain Sham always triumphs! Have at you! Come on, then!"
Ron sighed and stuck out his sword, to chop "Sham's" right leg off.
"All right, we'll call it a draw," said Sham.
"Come, Fatsy," said Ron, and they all "rode" toward the boats lined up on the dock.
"Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow prats! Come back and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!" he called after them.
~*~
Ron and company were looking at a particularly nice motorboat, when they heard voices from their left.
"Sunny, you're biting me!" It was the voice of a young boy.
"Heykoo!" That sounded like a baby.
"Shh! Captain Sham will find us!" That had to be a girl, she sounded a little older than the boy.
"H-hello?" Ron said, calling out to his left.
"Sunny, see if it's safe," the girl whispered.
A little head of a baby girl poked up from an old boat. It spotted Ron, and smiled, then went back under.
"Gamdou!" she whispered, then crawled out of the boat. She was followed by a girl almost as tall as Ron, and a boy just a head shorter than the girl.
"Hi," said the girl. She was wearing a tattered purple dress. "I'm Violet Baudelaire. This is my brother Klaus, and my sister Sunny." She smiled. "I'm sure you don't see three children wearing dirty, tattered clothes crawl out of an old boat everyday, but we are hiding from an evil man named Count Olaf." She shuddered. "He makes our life miserable. He killed our parents, and many of our relatives. Am I talking too much? I'm sorry. It's just that we haven't seen many children around our age lately."
Greetings, Baudelaires, we're so sorry about that.
It must be awful to be chased by-
"Shut up!" Harry said to the minstrels.
"Oh, that's so sad. I'm sorry," Hermione said kindly.
"It's all right. Our only friends, the Quagmire triplets, have been kidnapped by Olaf."
"Aw, I'm so sorry… is there anything we can do to help? Do you want something to eat? You can even come with us if you like." Ron said.
Harry looked at him incredulously.
"Well, we haven't eaten in a while," Klaus said.
"Klaus, don't impose," Violet said.
"Oh, no! It's not any trouble at all! We've got loads of food! Lamb, carp, anchovies, orangutans, breakfast cereals…" Hermione said.
Violet smiled.
"Samwa?" Sunny asked.
"My sister means, 'Who would eat orangutans?'" Klaus told them.
"Did I say orangutans? I meant oranges," Hermione giggled.
Klaus smiled.
"Come on, we can all eat in this boat," Ron said.
"No, Ron! Remember what the conductor said? 'If you eat less than an hour before going out on the lake, the leeches will get you.'" Hermione warned.
"Then we'll just have to eat on the dock, and then wait an hour. It won't cut into our schedule at all," Ron said.
"Oh, we can't get up on the dock. Count Olaf will see us," Violet said.
"What does he look like? I'll go and see if he's anywhere around," Ron said bravely.
"Sourcil un tatuajue." said Sunny.
"She means that Olaf has one eyebrow, and has a tattoo of an eye on his ankle."
"And he has very shiny eyes," Klaus added.
"Oh! I saw a man who looked like that when we came in, but he had a peg leg and an eye patch," Harry said.
"That's Count Olaf! But he calls himself Captain Sham," Klaus told them.
"Oh, you don't have to worry about him anymore. I cut all his limbs off, that git," Ron scoffed.
"You-you what?" Klaus asked, his eyes as wide as the rims of his glasses.
"He wouldn't let us go without a fight, so I cut all his limbs off. He brought it upon himself. I didn't even mean to cut his arm off, but when I did, and I started to thank God that I had won, he kicked me in the head."
"How rude!" Violet said. "You're not supposed to disturb people while they're praying!"
"Yeah, I know. So anyway, what do you say we eat? We can talk about everything over a nice breakfast," Ron suggested.
~*~
"So," Ron said to Violet, picking up another biscuit. "Your Aunt Josephine was afraid of doorknobs?"
Violet grinned. "Yes, she was a little eccentric. She used to live on that mountain up there." Violet pointed to a high mountain on the edge of the lake. Some of the top was leveled, as if a house used to be there.
"Did you like living there?" Hermione asked.
"Not really," Klaus said. "She was afraid of the oven, so we always had to eat cold soup, and the only books she had were on grammar."
"You like to read?" Hermione asked.
"Of course! It's my favourite thing to do! I read whenever I can."
Ron smiled in mid-bite and glanced at Hermione. She looked extremely pleased.
"Me too!" she said cheerfully.
"What do you like to do, Violet?" Ron asked.
"Oh, I love to invent things," she said.
"Violet has gotten us out of a lot of bad circumstances with her inventions. She's a genius!" Klaus said.
"You have too, Klaus, remember you researched nuptial law when we stayed with Count Olaf, and then you helped by reading those boring books on grammar when we lived here."
"Kudos!" Sunny said.
"And Sunny has been very helpful, too," Violet smiled. "She has four very sharp teeth, and enjoys biting hard things. She's helped us nearly every time we've been in trouble."
"You all are certainly interesting people!" Harry said.
"Rather good-looking, too," Ron whispered to Harry. "So, you're not staying with anyone now?" he asked.
"No, we figured that none of our guardians have been as helpful as we have been to each other, so are trying to take care of ourselves," Violet said.
"Well, would you ever consider… maybe you could come along with us?" Hermione asked nervously.
"Well, where is it exactly that you're going?" Klaus asked.
"Oh, long story. We have to wait an hour anyway, so we'll tell you," Ron said.
"All right," Violet said with a smile.
~*~
A/N: Did you like that one? Rather… erm… different, isn't it? Yes, Lady Norbert, I'll make you the bridge keeper LoL. Have fun in the Gorge of Eternal Peril! Okay… how should I make this story end? As I'm sure we all know, Monty Python and the Holy Grail ends terribly. I hate it I hate it I hate it! So tell me how I should end it. **drums fingers on desk and hums…** Did you like the Baudelaires? Isn't Klaus perfect for Hermione? Well, not really, but…
:o)