Chapter Five
(A/N: Right, well, here it is… back by popular demand… [hehe not really..])
"…Will you marry me?"
Ron found himself kneeling front of a considerably attractive young girl. She smiled at him and nodded.
'I'm too young to get married…' he thought. But his dream self obviously didn't care. He stood up and took the girl in his arms.
"Ron... there's something I have to tell you," the girl whispered.
"Yes, Violet?"
MOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
SPLAT!
Ron sat bolt upright in his bed. He looked over at Harry. He was lying in a tangled mess of sheets and blankets with pillows strewn about the floor around his bed. He had a very peaceful look about him, which contrasted deeply with the surrounding area.
Ron tumbled out of his bed, his legs not quite awake yet, and shook Harry violently.
"Harry! Harry wake up! I-I think we're being attacked!"
"Uhhh… Himioneee, leeme alonnne…"
Ron groaned impatiently and dashed over to the window. He peeked out of the shade. What he saw made him sick to his stomach. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He looked back over at Harry.
"Harry GET UP!" Ron hit him hard on the head with a huge pillow.
"Ow!" Harry opened his eyes and squinted at Ron. "G-Ginny?"
"No, you dolt! Here!" Ron threw Harry's glasses at him.
"Ron! What'd you hit me for?"
"Because we're under attack! I-I think… I think someone just shot a cow at us!"
"Ron, we told you not to sniff-"
"I'm not sniffing anything! Look!" Ron stomped to the window and pulled open the shade.
Harry's face turned white, then red, then white, and finally he managed to say, "W-wha…", before he fell back, unconscious, on his pillow.
"Great." Ron rolled his eyes and dug his wand out of his wet clothes from last night.
He pointed it up at the ceiling, closed his ears with his free hand and his shoulder, and shouted, "Audious!".
There was a deafening sound like a goose call, and Hermione, Violet, Klaus, Sunny, and Harry all screamed, jumped straight out of their beds, and looked questioningly at Ron. He looked very annoyed.
"You all had better be glad I'm a light sleeper. If that attack would have continued, you would all be unconscious and covered in that!" He pointed at the horrible carnage that lay outside the window.
Violet gasped and went white, Klaus looked as if he were about to be sick, Sunny's eyes went wide as she clapped her tiny hands over her mouth, and Hermione took out her wand.
She glared at Ron, went over to the window, pointed her wand outside, and muttered something that sounded remarkably like "peanut butter".
A beautiful patch of pansies and a headstone had instantly replaced the sickening bovine butchery.
Harry, who looked as if he were about to faint again, gasped a small, "Thank you."
"Okay, guys, get dressed," Ron said solemnly. "We need to go. Now. Before they hit us and-"
"Before… who hits us? " Violet asked hesitantly, as if she would really rather not know.
"I don't know…" Ron said, looking very anxious. "Whoever they are, they're probably French. And they probably think we're someone else. But we really need to leave."
The group nodded in agreement, and got dressed. They packed up, Ron folded the tent back into the fabric square, and they set off. They had only walked about a half a mile before they reached a big castle.
***
"Wow," Harry gasped. "That's even bigger than Hogwarts!"
Klaus looked inquiringly at Harry.
"Uhh… Hogwarts is where we go to school." Harry said shortly.
"Bumbo?" Sunny asked excitedly.
"Of course they don't go to school in a castle, Sunny."
"Well, actually, we do," Ron said, with a hint of arrogance.
"Wow! What's it like?" Violet gasped.
"Oh it's-" Ron started, but the Baudelaires never found out how it was to be educated in a castle, because Ron was interrupted by someone with a very heavy French accent, who was standing somewhere on top of the fortress wall.
"'oo is zis, trespassing on our propeirtee?" asked the voice.
"Erm, I'm sorry, sir, but we're kind of just passing by," Hermione called. "You see, we're on a quest."
"Please let us by?" Harry asked timidly.
"And if you have some food, or something, we- ow!" Hermione elbowed Ron hard in the ribs.
"I weel certainlee not let you by!" the French man shouted indignantly. "You are English types-a!"
Ron was taken aback. "And what are you, exactly?" he asked, trying to hide his annoyance.
"I'm French! Why do you zink I have this outraaaaageous accent, you silly git!"
"What are you doing in England, then?" he asked.
"Mind your own business!"
"Let us by!" squeaked Fatsy. "Or my liege Sir Ronald will make you wish you would have been more hospitable!"
"Fatsy!" Hermione hissed.
"And what exactly is 'e going to do to me, you silly English kiiiiiiinigots!"
"He's got a wand, you know!" Fatsy yelled, struggling against Harry and Hermione's attempt to keep him quiet. "And he's not afraid to use it!"
"Ha! A wand? 'e's going to hurt me with his wand? I am very scared, oui, I am shaking in my armor! Come and get me silly English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! Hahaha!"
Ron went very red, and despite the confused looks on the Baudelaires' faces, and the objective look on Hermione's, he thrust out his wand. His mind raced back to his first year at Hogwarts.
"Wingardium leviosa!"
It was his reflexes.
The French guard rose high into the air.
The Baudelaires gasped in horror and amazement.
"Ack! What have you done to me? Put me down right now!"
"You let us go by peacefully, and I'll let you down." Ron said tensely. "If not..." Ron made a violent gesture with his hands. "Splat!"
"Okay, okay, I will let you go zis time!" the guard yelled as he floated back down to safety. "But do not expect it ze second time, you English kiiiiiiiiinigots!"
When the guard's feet touched the floor, he raced out of sight. Down where the knights were, the drawbridge began to descend.
The knights walked quickly across the moat, and through a series of courtyards, until they were on the other side of the fortress.
"I know, I know," Ron sighed, in reply to the Baudelaires' gaze. "I haff some e'splainin' to do."
"Nice imitation," said Klaus. "But Ricky said it more like-"
"Please e'splain," Violet said sternly.
"Okay." Ron took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Harry, Hermione, and I…"
The Baudelaires looked at him intently.
"…Are wizards."
"Excuse me?" Hermione asked.
"Well, Hermione's a witch. Same thing."
"You mean, you can do magic and stuff?" Klaus asked.
"Well, yeah." Ron looked pleadingly at the Baudelaires.
There was a long pause.
….
…
…
…
…
"Brilliant!" Violet exclaimed.
Everyone exhaled.
"But… why didn't you tell us before?" Violet asked.
"Well, actually, Muggles aren't really supposed to know," Ron said. "It's a big secret."
"Dookoo?" Sunny asked.
"She means-"
"Muggles are non-magic people," Fatsy answered.
Everyone turned around to face him.
Fatsy smiled.
"Oy!" Harry exclaimed. "Look up there!" He was pointing to a small wooden building, a few yards up the trail. There was a sign hanging down over the door that read, "Stomping Stallion".
***
The Knights of the Square Table sat at a very long oval-shaped table in the corner of the tavern. The Stomping Stallion was full of tough biker-looking men, a few sailors, and some Vikings. There were a few scantily dressed women walking around taking orders. The whole building smelled strangely of pork.
One of the women walked over to their table. "What'll ya have?"
"Erm… well, what've you got?" asked Ron.
The waitress looked briefly at the ceiling, as if this question was very painful to answer.
Ron looked up there, too, but he didn't see what was so interesting.
The waitress sighed.
"Well, there's eggs and bacon; eggs sausage and bacon; eggs and Spam; eggs bacon and Spam; eggs bacon sausage and Spam; Spam bacon sausage and Spam; Spam eggs Spam Spam bacon and Spam; Spam sausage Spam Spam bacon Spam tomato and Spam…"
The Vikings at the nearby table started to sing. "Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam…"
"...Spam Spam Spam eggs and Spam; Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam baked beans Spam spam Spam..."
"Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!" the Vikings sang. The minstrels grinned at each other and joined in.
"...Or Lobster Thermidor a Cravette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and Spam."
"Have you got anything without Spam?" Hermione asked, having to yell to be heard over the singing. "I'm allergic."
"Well, there's Spam egg sausage and Spam, that's not got much Spam in it," the waitress called back, glaring at the minstrels and Vikings.
"But I don't want any Spam!" Hermione shouted. The singing was getting louder. "Can't you just give me eggs, bacon, sausage and Spam without the Spam?"
"Arrrrrggh!!"
"What do you mean, 'Arrrrrggh!!'?" Hermione bellowed. "I'm allergic to Spam! My tongue will swell up and get hives!"
"LOVELY SPAM! WONDERFUL SPAM!"
"Shut up!" the waitress screamed.
"LOVELY SPAM! WONDERFUL SPAM!"
"Shut up!!" The Vikings and minstrels stopped singing. "Bloody Vikings. You can't have eggs, bacon, sausage, and Spam without the Spam! It ruins the dish!"
"I'm ALLERGIC TO SPAM!" Hermione howled.
"Shhh, Hermione, I'll have your Spam. I love it," Ron said. "I'll have Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam baked beans Spam Spam Spam."
"LOVELY SPAM! WONDERFUL SPAM!!"
"Shut up!!" the waitress yelled. "Baked beans are off."
"So I can have her Spam instead of the baked beans then?" Ron bellowed.
"LOVELY SPAM!! WONDERFUL SPAM!!!"
"You mean Spam Spam Spam Spam-"
But it was too late.
The Spammy singing drowned out every other sound in the tavern.
"LOVELY SPAAM!! WONDERFUL SPAAAM! LOVELY SPAAAM!! WONDERFUL SPAAM! SPA-A-A-A-A-A-AM! SP-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AM! LOVELY SPAM! (LOVELY SPAM) LOVELY SPAM! (LOVELY SPAM) SPAM! SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!
The Knights of the Square table covered their ears with their hands and ran off and out of the tavern.
They all leaned against a big tree and caught their breath.
"Are the minstrels still in there?" Ron asked.
"I guess…" Harry panted.
"That- was- awful!" Hermione gasped.
"I know! And I'm still really, really hungry," Ron groaned along with his stomach.
"Me too," Klaus said. "But what can we do? There's probably not another place to eat within miles! We are in the middle of a forest."
Hermione smiled. "I have an idea."
***
They snuck around to be back of the kitchen.
"I don't know about this, Hermione… I mean, these people are Muggles, and-"
"It's okay. I'll distract them. Watch." Hermione tiptoed over to the open window and pointed her wand at some dustbins in the kitchen. She muttered something that sounded like "juicy fruit", and the dustbins started throwing their contents all over the room. Some empty Spam containers flew onto the stove and caught fire. The greasy-looking cook took off his pink-stained shirt and tried to smother the fire with it. It started to give off blue sparks and made a great lot of noise.
"Perfect!" Ron came over to the window and started summoning the non-Spam foodstuffs out of the cabinets. Pretty soon they had a great picnic of eggs, bacon, tomatoes, and lobster. The baked beans were off.
Hermione had the common decency to put out the fire and repair the dustbins, but the cook's shirt still gave off the occasional blue spark.
***
(A/N: Whew! I'm sooo glad I finally finished another chapter! Thanks a lot for your suggestions, guys! And thanks to Flame M. for the suggestion of the Spam sketch! Yay! Sorry, I'm just really happy. I wrote this chapter in about an hour, so sorry if it's bad. But the only way I can get better is if you tell me what's wrong! LoL come on I can take the criticism! Oh yes, and sorry I took so long, and sorry it's so short. Really. But at least now I've started back and am writing now! I promise I'll never stop for that long again if I don't have a good reason. :o) Oh yes, and if you want to hear the Spam song, Here it is )