Severus Alexander Snape was through his father's side, a member of one the oldest families in England, and by his mother one of the richest. He was trained by the greatest minds alive and had completed his schooling at the top of his class. He had also married well and was widowed in turn therefore only adding to his wealth, his real estate, and his prestige as an aristocrat.

As an Auror, he had been one of the best and as an apothecary he had excelled. He had perfected several potions and even created various brews to add to his reputation. He had been employed at Holms College as a researcher, and had a professorship there if ever he decided to leave Hogwarts. Rumor had it he had even been up for the Headmaster job at Durmstang, a post he declined. He was among the most respected men in the Potions field, a master dueler, and incredibly suave when he wanted- or needed- to be. And finally, what was easily his greatest accomplishment, he had earned the respect of both Dumbledore and Voldemort and had found himself, almost miraculously so, in a position of trust and weight with each.

But none of that impressive resume could save him as he stood before Lord Voldemort with the unforgivable sin of saving lives. Sixty lives to be exact. Snape was standing erect and at attention with an impassive, almost bored, expression on his face. His only sign of nervousness was not from his mannerisms but from his dress. He was wearing black tailored trousers, and a slim lined, double-breasted jacket with silver and gold around the cuffs. He was wearing a riding cloak with the same Asian like design around the edges of his cloak. However subtle it was, he was wearing color, color at least according to him. The fact that he determined to meet his fate dressed like a gentleman proved to Jacqueline he wasn't planning on coming back from this meeting. Or maybe, as a cruel afterthought, that's what he intended.

"You asked for Azkaban and I delivered." He was saying. "You did not ask for their lives."

"It was expected!"

"Nothing should be excepted or assumed, that is what you taught me. You wanted your servants and I gave them to you; they are recovering in my house and are free to come and go as they please. Your appearance is expected shortly however so…"

"Cruio!" Voldemort shouted and Snape crumbled to the floor.

Don't make a sound…

He forced himself to take a kneeling position, one of both servitude but also dignity. He had never allowed himself to be anything but proud, even as he yearned to scream. Never did he allow a moment's weakness in front of Voldemort and that had earned him his respect. Voldemort had never conquered him. Even as a servant, he had been his own master.

Don't make a sound…

He bit his lip, trying not to scream. But suddenly it hit him and he smiled. Somewhere in the shadows of the abandoned room, Jacqueline saw that smile and worried. Why couldn't he scream? The pain was real and so was that constant torment he lived in. Mere dreams had conquered him so why should Voldemort be spared the image of his Prince begging like a coward. He was nothing without his strength and that was buried somewhere in time. So Severus decided to let Voldemort see what he had become. He would stop playing this game.

And the Prince cried out for mercy.

Time seemed to slow to long, agonizing eternities. The silence around him was tangible and thick. Voldemort seemed thrown off by his lieutenant's display of humanity. For a long time his red, snake like eyes bored into Severus, judging, considering and even disbelieving. He twirled his wand lazily and tried to decide what to do now his Prince had proved himself vulnerable. "I should kill you now, dear Prince."

"Then do it milord. If I have displeased you, kill me now. Or if it pleases you my Master." He said it like a curse and his words were becoming rapid and feverish. "Call together your servants and let them see me like this. Or tell them, tell the world that he broke his knees and wept like a coward. Tell them whatever you will and do whatever you will." He felt the weight of the world suddenly come to bear. "But do it!"

Voldemort looked at him with contempt. He rose from his seat and walked towards the man cowering before him, all respect for him gone. Severus looked up at him with a little fear. Voldemort couldn't stand to see it in his Prince's eyes. He turned away. "Be gone when I return, and do not come less bidden. You are dead to me and pray I do not make that so."

Severus heard the doors slam behind him and he broke down in sob, ignoring the still voice telling him to be silent.

"Not a god," Jacqueline whispered softly emerging from her shadow. She began to circle around the kneeling image of the man she loved. "Not a Prince…"

"Be silent, Jackie." He warned. He didn't need to hear her now. He couldn't bear to hear her now. To hear the darkness and all its promises, tempting him, calling to him. He couldn't bear that longing, that forbidden love, not right now. It hurt too much without it.

"Not even a man, barely a slave." She hissed softly. "Oh how the mighty have fallen."

"Silence, Jacqueline…"

"A coward and a fool and a bastard to top it all." She placed her boot on his knee, close to his chin. The mud was soiling his pant leg. "And I saw Satan fall like lightening!" She laughed scornfully, it echoing around the room loudly. "No wonder all those you loved died…"

"I'll kill you!" He shouted, jumping to his feet and throwing her back. "You little bitch, I'll kill you!"

"If that's what it takes to get you on your feet and stop feeling sorry for yourself." He double back and stared at her. She was looking murderous. "Do you think you're the only one who's ever gone through a crisis of faith or are you just the only one that mattered?"

"What are you talking about?"

"That is what this is, isn't? Don't try to say I'm lying either but do tell me this what or who made you lose your nerve?"

"Go away and leave me!"

"I can't you see because if I do, people will die."

"People die everyday! It's just our decisions that lay out their names! Why on earth should I, out of the millions of people in the world, why should I decide who lives and who dies? Why am I the one who decides right and wrong for those people? Do you understand that my choices, no my whims, are often the only thing that saves someone?!? How many people died because of my whims? How many families won't see tomorrow because I didn't want them to!" The dam had broken and all the secrets, sins and guilt he had pent up for twenty years came flooding out. Severus was torn between his will and his own humanity.

"Too many but that doesn't give you the right to stop!"

"Why not? I've done more then any man could, more then any man should. I started a reign a terror and helped end it and began a new war! There's too much blood on my hands to have peace!"

"You're right, you don't deserve peace and you don't deserve rest but you don't have the right to allow yourself to be so depressed that you stop living!"

"Do you know who Harrison was?" He shouted in anguish.

"No."

"No one. No one important and he thought his only worth came from his history, his family." Severus let a cruel smile appear but his eyes were sad. "He was no one, not yet anyways but he was on his way. He had such promise."

"Like the Heir of Akel Dama…" She whispered softly.

But Severus wasn't listening. "He was smart, and quiet, and kind but most of all- he was just a kid. A kid who died because I faltered."

She was watching him and she understood. Harrison had been more then his student or even his Prefect. Harrison had probably been his protégé and yet another child that Severus had mentored. She felt her heart break, yet he had fallen in love with yet another child that wasn't his. Such a simple man he was, to want something so innocent. "It wasn't your fault…"

"That doesn't matter!" He shouted. "How many died because of me!"

"How many are alive because of you!"

"So it that how it works? A life for a life? I traded a life for a life!"

"Sometimes for the greater good…sacrifices have to be made."

"Well the sacrifices got to be too much!" He said. "I couldn't save him!"


"But you saved those sixty people, those sixty innocents from a fate worst then Harrison's!"

"They don't matter to me! He did!"

"If you had to choose between saving Harrison and saving those sixty, who would you choose? Look deep in your heart before you answer, Auror."

"I am not that man! Alexander is buried with his family, with Billy, Dahlia, and Dora!"

"So is he dead until you need him! He is a ghost unless he must save lives?"

"He couldn't save the ones he loved! He couldn't save them! I couldn't save Harrison!"

"But you saved Harry Potter!"

"I couldn't save Sara Austin, or Hawke, or Marcella Fudge. My god Marcy was a child and I ordered her death! She's dead because of me!"

"Susan Bones, or Dumbledore and you even saved a bastard like Remus Lupin! And if you were given the choice between Harrison and those sixty, I know who you would choose." She softened her voice. "And it's not because you love or hate them, or even that you want to, it's because you can't be anything else."

"I can't do it anymore, Jackie." He whispered defeated. He had maneuvered to sit against a wall, with his knees to his chest and his arms around them. He had a dead look in his eyes and when he spoke it was devoid of emotion. "I couldn't save Melanie…and I don't have the strength to fight anymore."

"But you need to."

"I know but how? I can't, I don't know how too. This is all new to me."

"It's called guilt and bury it deep."

He began to ask how but as he looked up, he saw his face. He took it into his hands, the pure, pristine ivory mask that betrayed no emotion, no fear, no remorse and no regret. The gold scars, his scars, glittered but betrayed nothing. Severus lifted the mask over his face and let it rest, perfectly posed. He felt like himself again in that private prison of pure white.

His Azkaban.

Cold, private, dark and safe… That's all that mattered. Let the nightmares come…let them think whatever they wanted. In here they couldn't touch him.

His sanctuary.

He was safe…finally.