We talked quietly for another hour until I could take another morphine dose, and I then slept for eight hours. When I woke up, I felt a bit better again. The improvement was small, but I wasn't complaining. It was going in the right direction.

Kai did his usual assessment when I woke up, and said that he had just finished changing the bandages and put on antibiotic cream. He said that the injuries looked good and were healing well. Shortly after he finished giving me the review, Ranger found my parents and brought them to our room.

"Hey", I said. "What's this nonsense about you leaving?"

"We thought it would be better for you", said my mother. "Val has already happened. I don't want Ma to happen as well."

"Hunh."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Val has happened and she is in jail. Grandma is here, but there is enough of a story with me that she will leave the kids alone. So that means that you don't have to go home to look after Grandma, since she is here, and you don't have to go home to look after Val or her kids, since Val is here and the kids are at Albert's. So I was wondering if I could ask a huge favor."

"What's that, baby girl?" said my mother. I could hear the tears in her voice.

"I'm going to need help. I'm going to be in bed for at least another week, probably without getting up. The strike team loves the kids and are willing to look after them, but they have their jobs to do as well. Kate and Cindy need to go back to work and Lindsay can't look after all the kids herself. The Gurus will be chasing down this cop killer. The way I figure it, the strike team can use all the help they can get. I selfishly don't want Ranger looking after the kids. Any spare time that he has I want him to spend with me. Would it be possible if the two of you and Grandma can stay and help look after the kids? You haven't had much of a chance to sightsee yet either."

My mom looked at me in shock. "You want us to stay?" she said. I knew that I had made the right decision when I looked at my parents and saw the hope on their faces.

"Would that be okay? I don't know when you are supposed to outgrow needing help from your parents, but apparently we haven't outgrown it yet."

My mom and dad grinned. "We would love to stay and help with the kids. We'd been having a ball playing with them."

"They've been having a ball playing with you", I said as I smiled. "Then it's settled?"

"Yes." My mom looked at me with tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry about Val", she said.

"Mom, it isn't your fault. You did not make Val's decisions nor did you choose to do the things that Val chose to do. What Val did has nothing to do with you. Don't torture yourself about it."

"How are your legs?"

"Uncomfortable. However, I am coping and that's what's important. Every day will get better. I can already feel a big difference today from the way they were yesterday. Hey, do you know what Ranger said to me? He told me they muffed up and gave me the wrong medication in the middle of the night."

My mother's mouth dropped open. "That's terrible."

"Yes. Apparently I now no longer have to worry about heartworm, ticks or fleas for the next three months." My parents broke out laughing. "Yeah, that was my reaction as well." I looked at Ranger, and he looked ridiculously proud of himself.

I winked at Ranger, and that was our signal that we had set up that morning. When I had enough, I would wink at Ranger or Kai or Grant, and they would move the people out of the bedroom. Ranger told my parents that I needed to rest for a while. As they left, they were still laughing about the heartworm joke.

He shut the door gently behind them, and as he turned to me I started to cry. Ranger sat on the bed and smoothed my hair away from my face. "What's going on, babe?" he said quietly.

I closed my eyes and tried to stop crying. "I feel like there are a lot of people pulling at me, and I don't have it to give."

"Do you feel overwhelmed?"

"Yes, and I keep having panic attacks."

"Do you want some medication for them?"

"I don't want to keep relying on medication."

"Kai?" said Ranger. "What do you think?"

Kai sat in the chair beside the bed. "I think it is a two-sided coin, Steph. Being in pain is making you anxious, and being anxious is increasing the intensity of the pain. To be comfortable, you have to treat both."

"I don't want to fall asleep though. I had to talk to my parents, but now I need to spend some time with the little ones. It's hard though, as I don't know if I have enough happy in me for them. But I also know that they are probably scared."

"You need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself", said Kai. "When do you get to say that you hurt? When do you get to stop taking care of other people and start taking care of yourself?"

My breath started coming hard and fast.

"Steph, I am going to give you a very mild sedative. It is going to help you feel more relaxed and, if you get sleepy, it will help you sleep. However, the intention of it is to help you relax rather than to put you to sleep. Okay?"

"Okay. Is this the same one you gave me yesterday before lunch?"

"Yes."

I smiled. "I liked that one."

Kai grinned and added it to my IV. "In the meantime, I want you to concentrate on your breathing. Ranger is going to put his hand on your diaphragm, and I want you to concentrate on moving his hand up and down with your breath." They were silent for a bit of time and between the silence, the breathing and the medication, I felt more in control.

"Okay", I said quietly, "now I'm ready for the kids."

Ranger smiled, kissed my nose, and said, "have a short nap first. You're tired, and the kids are eating their lunch right now."

"While I sleep, why don't Kai and Grant get something to eat?"

"Good idea", said Ranger.

"Can you do that thing with my hair?" I said to Ranger. "It helps relax me as well."

Ranger smiled. "That thing?"

"You know", I said as I moved my hair on my face.

"I know. I just thought it was funny to call it 'that thing'."

"Well, what would you call it?"

Ranger stopped and thought. "Hell if I know", he said finally.

I laughed. "Exactly." I closed my eyes and, as Ranger smoothed back my hair, I fell asleep. True to Kai's word, though, I woke up fifty minutes later feeling good, feeling strong, feeling relaxed, and feeling like I could fake a happy for the kids.

I looked at the time as I woke up. "Did everyone get lunch?" I said.

"Yes", said Ranger with a smile.

"Good." I paused. "Was there something left for me for lunch?"

Ranger grinned. "I have the ingredients to make a peanut butter-banana smoothie", he said, "and I think there is more pineapple upside-down cake for your dessert."

I grinned. "Isla made another?"

"Just for you, although our girls were eyeing it so you might want to eat yours fast."

I laughed.

Ranger kissed me on my nose and left the room, and I looked at Kai and Grant. "Kai, the medication you gave me is wonderful."

Kai chuckled. "I'm glad you think that."

"This is the best that I have felt since I had my hysterectomy. My sister's comments then really cut me to the quick. I didn't realize that they were affecting me as much as they were. I mean, I knew they were affecting me. But I believed them, and it was very hard to fight back against because I was fighting back against Val, but I was also fighting back against me."

"Sounds like your depression has ramped up since the hysterectomy."

"Livy was suggesting that I go up in antidepressants."

Kai sighed. "And you didn't think to tell me?"

"It feels situational rather than biochemical, so I thought it was a stupid idea. I figured it was my fault, and therefore I had to get myself out of it."

Kai looked at me and shook his head. "Anything else you want to tell me?"

"Not that I can think of. Why is that a big deal?"

"Because you are experiencing extreme anxiety over the injuries, but by the sounds of it, the anxiety that is natural for you to experience from the injuries is augmented by the anxiety you are feeling normally. I don't know how you are coping and, in all honesty, you don't deserve to have to cope with that. What is your level of anxiety?"

"Right now? About a five out of ten, but it is normally about a nine. Just always on the verge of a panic attack."

"And your level of depression?"

"About an eight."

"Okay, I'd like to augment your antidepressant with another medication that is both good for anxiety and for depression. You don't deserve to suffer, Steph."

I sighed. "I feel like I am failing."

"Bullshit", said Kai. "You suffer from depression. That's a fact. Many people who suffer from depression also suffer from anxiety. That's also a fact. Those with severe burns, like you have, also often suffer from anxiety. There's another fact. This is just your body crapping out on you. It has nothing to do with whether you failed or not. It has everything to do with your body just needing a few more supports than other people's, like a diabetic might need insulin. There is nothing wrong with a diabetic needing insulin. It is just their body crapping out on them and needing a few more supports, and there is nothing wrong with your body needing antidepressants. The processes within the body are, in fact, fairly similar."

I thought about that for a moment.

Kai sat on the edge of the bed and picked up my hand. He started massaging it. "Let us help you, Steph", he said softly. "You don't deserve to suffer."

I sighed. "Will I feel like this all the time?"

"Not quite like this, but more like this than being anxious."

"Would this mean that I couldn't take this medication again?"

"Not at all. Lots of people mix antidepressants with this medication. The one problem with this medication is that it is addictive and is meant for occasional use because of it. We are having to be careful as to how often we are administering it. Antidepressants aren't addictive, and that's why they are preferable."

I sighed.

"Should we start adding the other one tonight?" said Kai.

I sighed again. "Okay", I said.