Eduardo came in shortly after the Gurus left to contact the Medic Alert office. He shut the door softly after himself and, when I grinned at him, he sat on the edge of the bed beside me. "How are you doing?" he said.

"Okay."

"Okay?" He smiled. "Give me more than that."

I sighed as I looked at him.

"Steph, when I was on my last mission, I was hit by enemy fire on my arm. I was burned from my wrist up to my shoulder and onto my neck. It is, in fact, why I got inked. It's to cover the scars. Like you, I suffered from severe second-degree burns. I was a SEAL before it, and there was nothing in Hell Week that prepares you for the sort of pain that is associated with burns. I had never felt such agony before, and I hope to never feel such agony again. After I healed, I got at job at Rangeman and I love what I do. But , when I was a SEAL I had been planning on doing something quite different when I left the Navy. I got my degree in social work and, when I was burned, I decided to specialize in Trauma Counselling and complete my Master's. I am actually working with the Mental Health Unit to help mentor people who have suffered from PTSD. I asked Ranger whether I could come in and visit you for a while every day. If you want to talk, we can talk. If you want just some peace without anyone poking you, we can do that as well. I will respond to your cues, okay? But know that I would be happy to talk with you, and I will understand, not exactly what you are going through since we are different people, but I might understand a bit of what you are going through."

My eyes filled with tears, and I swiped them off my face. I guess I looked mad that I was crying, as Eduardo smiled sadly. "I don't know about you", he said, "but when I was hurt, I had all the members of my unit coming in to cheer me up. But they were upset to see me hurt, and I often felt like I needed to cheer them up more than them cheering me up. I would talk to them and try to convince them that I was okay, and they left happy because they believed that I wasn't as hurt as I was, and I was left feeling worse because it had taken all my energy to fake it and I had nothing left to allow me to cope. I often wondered who was there for me. I mean, there was the medical staff and they knew on an intellectual level what I was going through. But they didn't truly understand, on a cellular level, how devastating it was." He captured my hand and massaged the skin.

And here's the thing about Eduardo. He is a pretty silent guy. He is kind and tough and a deep thinker. He cares so darn much about others, but he is peaceful and not chatty, and as silence descended, he just sat and held my hand. As I absorbed his peace, I said quietly, "I know what you mean about holding everyone up."

"Tell me about it", he said.

"I'm worried about everybody. The kids are just little, and with almost dying four months ago and Ranger being shot six months ago, and us temporarily moving to Scotland and pulling Tia out of school and Tracy and Joe going home again, their whole world has turned upside down. They come in here for a visit and they are terrified. They are asking me whether I will walk again. Although that's a fair question, it's a question that gets me upset. Kai and Grant tell me that chances are likely that I will, but they also say that they don't know for sure. So whenever the kids ask that question I don't know the answer, and that scares me. You don't realize how much you take simple things like walking for granted."

"What do you tell them?"

"That I probably will, but that I will need a wheelchair for a while."

"That makes sense, and that's probably the most accurate answer anyway."

"They designed it in their heads today. It's going to be pink with flowered cushions. Luckily I don't think anyone other than Mattel makes them for their Barbies." Eduardo laughed. "Do you think I will walk again?" I said.

"I don't think that's a question that can be honestly answered right now."

I thought about that, then nodded.

"Who else do you have to hold up?"

"Ranger. He wants me to tell him the truth, and I am, but I'm telling him the watered-down version. I'm not hiding the facts. I'm just downplaying them."

"What are you downplaying with him?"

I paused for a moment. "How fucking scared I am", I said. "I'm in pain, all the time, but I don't want to be knocked out with morphine for a week. I know that seeing the smiles on people's faces, feeling like I am contributing – even if I don't walk again – makes me feel just as much in control as taking medication. But I tell him, when he asks, that my left leg is a seventeen out of ten. There is no basis for reference though, so all Ranger hears is that it is painful. I don't tell him that this makes labor, when you feel like every bone in your midsection is being crushed to pieces, a walk in the park. I don't tell him that the pain is making my stomach upset and it is all I can do to hold my food down when I eat. I don't tell him that I am on the verge of tears, all the time, and it is sheer determination that stops me from crying and screaming in agony. But I can't be knocked out again, because it worries Ranger and the little ones get scared."

"Don't you think Ranger deserves to know?"

I sighed and swiped my eyes. "Ranger is incredibly tough and hard and can take a lot. But he loves me deeply, with every atom of his being, and he worries so damn much. If I told him what was really going on, he wouldn't be able to cope. He is barely coping as it is. He knows that I am working hard to downplay things, just because he knows me. But I can't pile the truth on him. At some point soon, he is going to collapse." I sighed. "I worry about Kai and Grant as well."

"Kai and Grant?" He sounded surprised.

"They are nice guys who are doing the best they can, and I feel guilty because I keep presenting them with new challenges. I feel like they are working their asses off to help me, and I'm not doing my part. I am whining and complaining, and I'm not cooperating in getting better. I am always telling them that I'm in pain and there isn't much they can do. I feel bad for them and guilty for being such a wimp."

"They're your doctors, Steph. You're supposed to tell them how much pain you're in."

"I keep thinking that, if I was better at ignoring it, it would go away. I feel like it is my fault, that I am giving into the pain, and they are soon going to get tired of my whining."

"Do you honestly think that you are whining?"

I shuddered in a breath. "Eduardo? It hurts so fucking much."

"I know. You're holding my hand. Squeeze my hand to represent how much it hurts." I squeezed his hand as hard as I could. "Okay, Steph. You don't deserve to have to put up with pain that intense."

"It feels like I do."

"Why?"

"The pain is punishment for not dying."

"Not dying?"

"My sister said God was going to kill me. He tried twice when I had my hysterectomy and wasn't successful. Now He's trying to kill me through pain."

"Do you think you are going to die?"

"I sure as hell hope so, because I don't know how much longer I can do this."

"Do what?"

"Be in pain, pretend that I'm not, hold everyone up."

"Hold the kids and Ranger and your medical team up?"

"And my parents and Lindsay and the Gurus and the strike team members and all the other people who are concerned about me."

"You have a lot of people that love you."

"Yes. And I love them too, which is why it is important to me to hold them up."

"Steph, you need to tell your medical team what is going on."

"I don't want to worry them."

"They are your medical team. That's their job to worry about you."

"I'm not doing my part. Doctors are supposed to doctor and patients are supposed to get better. It's been almost a week and I don't see any difference at all, other than it hurts more because I'm getting tired and am less able to fake it. They are giving me fucking morphine and it's not enough."

"Do you want me to tell them for you?"

"They are going to think that I'm complaining about nothing."

"No, they won't. I know from talking to Kai and Grant that they understand how devastating your injuries are."

I started gulping in air. Eduardo put his hand on my chest. "Concentrate on your breath. Move my hand up and down with the force of your breathing." I slowly calmed down. "Good", he said. "How's the anxiety?"

"Awful. I'm scared, all the time. I keep having nightmares of fire and pain, even sometimes when I am awake, I am always on the verge of tears and a panic attack, and I feel so overwhelmed."

"Have you told Kai?"

"I told him a little today. I was having trouble coping."

"What did he say?"

"We talked about the anxiety and the depression, and he told me that he was going to augment my antidepressant tonight."

"Good. In the meantime, don't be afraid to use the other medications that Kai has. He is there to help you, Steph. Can you not talk to him?"

"I tell him a lot. I just don't tell him how bad it is."

"I'm sure that Kai has told you that anxiety with burns is normal."

"Exactly. It's normal, so I shouldn't be whining about it. Whining just makes people worry."

"He's going to be upset to know that you aren't telling him how bad things are."

"Then I won't tell him."

"Steph, this is important. You have to tell Kai and Grant what is going on. They deserve to know and yes, you aren't doing your part. You are doing everything you should just the way you are supposed to, other than talking to them. If you talk to them, if you tell them the truth, you'll be doing your part."

I sighed. "I feel like such a failure."

"May I tell them for you? Would that make things easier for you?"

I sighed again. "Yes", I said.

I could hardly keep my eyes open, and Eduardo smiled slightly at me. "Go to sleep, Steph", he said.

"It's not safe."

"It is. I will stay here and protect you until someone else comes to protect you, okay?"

I sighed. "Thank you", I said. I closed my eyes and fell asleep. After some time, my whimpers woke me up. I opened my eyes and wiped the tears from them.

Kai came and sat on the side of the bed. "You, Steph, have some 'splainin to do."

I sighed.

"I talked to Eduardo. He told me that you were holding back information because you didn't want me to worry."

I sighed again.

"Is that true?"

I sniffled. "Yes", I whispered.

"Then we have a problem. I cannot be an effective doctor if you are holding back information, and it could result in taking longer to heal because I wouldn't be treating you properly." I sighed. "So let's talk about pain."

"Oh boy."

"On a scale of zero to ten, and not above ten, how are your lungs?"

"About a one."

"A one?"

"They feel congested, and my chest feels tight and uncomfortable to breathe."

"Okay. What about the muscle tear?"

"About a seven, I guess? If I move, it is closer to a nine, but when I'm at rest, it's about a four."

"Okay. What about your right leg? Remember, no more than a ten."

"About a seven, I guess? It's sore, but it fades in comparison to my left leg."

"Then what's your left leg?"

"A ten. No question about it."

"You aren't hiding anything from me, are you?"

"No."

"Okay, how is the anxiety?"

"A ten. And the depression is about a nine."

"That is more than earlier?"

"Yes. I feel more useless."

"Okay, Eduardo did this with you, and I want you to do this with me too. Hold my hand and squeeze it to show me how much you hurt." I started crying. "Steph", said Kai softly, "what's wrong?"

I shuddered in some air. "I feel so ashamed."

"Why?"

"Because I hurt."

"You were badly injured. I understand that you are in pain. There is nothing to be ashamed of."

"I shouldn't be giving in to it."

He sighed. "Steph, you could out-tough a SEAL and a Ranger, and don't even get me started on those namby-pamby Marines." I laughed at the same time as I was crying, and Kai smiled at me. "Squeeze my hand, Steph."

I took his hand and squeezed as hard as I could.

"Okay, this is something that we need to deal with. When you are in pain like that, your whole body works differently. You don't breathe right, your blood pressure and heart rate are off, your digestive system doesn't work properly, and so on. You are literally slowing down your recovery to not treat your pain properly."

"I'm sorry."

"There is nothing to be sorry about."

"I feel like I failed."

"You didn't fail, Steph. You are doing a good job in an impossible situation. I'm going to give you some morphine, okay?"

I sighed and nodded.

He got up and added it to the IV. "Okay, now that we've looked after your pain, while we wait for the morphine to kick in you can tell me why you were holding back information from me."

"I like you."

"I like you too."

"I didn't want to worry you."

"Steph, you can pretend with the kids. I know you are pretending with Ranger. You can pretend with the Gurus and Lindsay and the strike team and your parents. But do not, absolutely do not, pretend with me. We can't form a strong team if you are withholding information." He sat silently and just kept me company.

"Kai?" I said finally, "I'm sorry. It's just that it hurts so fucking much, and there is nothing you can do and I understand that, and I don't want you to worry. You are giving me fucking morphine. I feel like I'm not doing my part if I whine."

"Your role in life is to endure?"

"It always has been."

"And it will be a bit with this injury as well. However, you have to be honest with me as to how you are feeling and, if you can't, we can always put you back in the hospital and you can deal with another doctor that you can be honest with. But whomever you have as a doctor, you have to be honest with them or else it isn't going to work."

I started crying hard. "I don't want to go into the hospital. I want to stay with you being my doctor."

"That's good, because that's what I want as well. However, if you don't share with me, if you aren't honest with me, I can't help you the way I want to and we won't have any other option than to put you in the hospital."

"Okay." I shuddered in some more breaths, and Kai retrieved a box of tissues, put the box on the mattress and took a tissue and wiped my face dry.

"So talk to me", he said quietly.

I shuddered in another few breaths. "I'm having a hard time coping", I said. I could feel my face heat with embarrassment.

"Tell me about it."

I closed my eyes as I cried some more out of shame. "I hurt so much, and everybody needs me to hold them up. Lindsay is trying so hard and is bringing me all these wonderful presents, and I have to act happy – and I am – but I'm in screaming-pain and I don't really give a rat's ass about presents. Instead, I want to die just to stop the pain. The same is true of the pictures the kids did for me. They are lovely, but I don't really care about them. My parents were upset today, and I had to deal with that. I'm sure that I will have to deal with my grandmother at some point as well. Then Ranger looks like he is barely staying upright. He needs me to hold him up and if I am always knocked out on morphine, everybody worries because they know I am in pain. If I tell people that I'm in pain, everybody worries again. Besides, if I am always knocked out on morphine, I won't be holding Ranger up. I don't deserve to put my comfort ahead of everyone else's worry. But it's a problem because all day, all I could think of was that I wanted to die, just so that I don't have to be in pain any longer. It's getting to me, Kai, and I'm ashamed that it is."

"That's natural though, that the pain is getting to you, don't you think? You aren't experiencing a paper-cut sort of pain, Steph. You are experiencing an over-the-top, debilitating pain, and I think it's natural for the pain to be getting to you."

"I keep telling myself to suck it up and get on with it and stop snivelling. I keep telling myself that I have to be strong and all my family and friends would be upset to see me hurt and, because of that, I can't give in to it. I keep telling myself that Wonder Woman wouldn't whine, and I don't deserve to either. But it is so hard and I am failing so badly, because I am in so much fucking pain and I don't know how much longer I can endure it."

Kai sighed. "Steph, you are the most compassionate person I have ever met – with everyone other than yourself. You are terrible at being kind to yourself. But you have to understand that there is no one in this castle that thinks you deserve anything other than the utmost in compassion. Give yourself a break. You deserve it."