I fell asleep shortly afterwards, and even though it was late afternoon when I fell asleep I slept through to ten the next morning. I figured that Kai and Grant were giving me a little morphine magic to help me get some pain relief.

When I woke up, Grant was there. "Kai is out unwinding with a run."

I grinned with relief.

"That makes you happy?"

"Yes. You and Kai are working so hard and worrying so much, and I haven't seen you practicing much self-care. I worry about you."

"I know, and I appreciate that. Worrying about other people is just something that you do, and I get that. However, as much as I know that you are a protective person, you have to let Kai and I do our jobs and, if you are protecting us, we cannot do our jobs effectively."

"Oh boy. You were talking to Kai."

"He was pretty upset."

"I didn't mean to make him upset", I said as my eyes filled with tears.

Grant sat on the edge of the bed. "Steph, you are a good person, and you don't deserve to hurt. Kai and I know that you are in pain, but you have to let us do our jobs – and we can't if you aren't honest with us."

"Okay."

"So where are you on a pain scale?"

"Lungs, about a one, muscle tear, a seven, right leg, a seven, and the left leg a definite ten."

He took his stethoscope and listened to my lungs and heart. He next took my blood pressure. "It sounds like the congestion in your lungs is finally clearing. Your blood pressure is high, but I suspect that is because you are in pain. Do you want more morphine?"

"I can't sleep again. I have to reassure the kids and reassure Ranger."

"Okay, you sound like you are panicking. Take a deep breath." The panic washed up and over me, and I started sobbing and shaking. "Steph, I'm going to give you something to relax you. You're having a very bad panic attack, and you don't deserve to live in that hell." He inserted a sedative into my IV, and he sat on the side of the bed again. He picked up my hand and massaged the skin. "Close your eyes, Steph, and concentrate on your breath." I shut my eyes and could feel the tears leak out. "You're going to be okay. Just relax, and concentrate on your breath."

A few minutes later I felt like I could breathe again, and I opened my eyes and looked at Grant. "Holy fuck", I said. "What the hell was that?"

"Is that the first one that you've had?"

"No. I was downstairs and had one, and Kai had to run me up here and give me medication, and I had another when Ranger was here. I've had lots of similar ones but they weren't nearly as intense."

"How often do you get them, even if they aren't as intense?"

"About one an hour? I can usually hide that I'm having one."

"What happens inside when you have one? What are your symptoms?"

"I really have to concentrate on breathing, and I often put my hands on my diaphragm to help. I often get stuck feeling the pain of fire burning my feet and not being able to breathe. I often mentally leave the room and become immersed in my memories of being caught in the fire. I get this overwhelming fear, my fingers spark like I have electric shocks in them, I shake hard, and I want to cry."

"So it sounds like a panic attack, but it also sounds like a bit of a flashback as well."

"The same thing happened to me when I was actually doing the rescue. I had a panic attack that time as well, as I was walking across the fire."

"Do you have nightmares?"

"All the time."

"We haven't done a lot of talking about what you went through."

"I don't really want to. It's bad enough that I live it. I don't want other people to have to live it as well."

"Yes, but talking will help."

I shuddered in a sob.

"Steph, only talk about it with Kai and Eduardo and me if you want, but you have to talk about it."

I concentrated on my breath as I thought about it. "I'll make a deal with you", I said. "I will talk to you and Kai and Eduardo more, and I will be honest with you, but the three of you have to practice self-care. This is breaking me, and I don't want it to break you as well." I closed my eyes and wiped the tears from my cheeks. "I don't have much strength left. I need to rely on your strength, and if you don't practice self-care, none of us will be able to cope."

"Just like you have to practice self-care by talking", said Grant. "According to Eduardo, you don't want to be knocked out despite your extreme pain, because you don't want to make people worried about you. You feel that you have to hold everyone up."

"Yes. I'm particularly worried about Ranger and the little ones. They are sucking their thumbs. Not Ranger – the little ones. They had dropped that behavior six months ago, but they need the comfort again. They come in here looking terrified, and it breaks my heart. I don't know what else that I can do to cheer them up. I can't have them on my lap for a hug, and I'm in too much pain to respond to their cues. I'm trying to remember all my jokes from childhood to tell them, just so that when they remember me they will remember jokes rather than pain.

"And then there is Ranger. He is trying so hard to hold me up, and the only thing that I can do to help him is to downplay what I am feeling. Over the years he has had to put up with a lot. Every night he cries himself to sleep, and I feel so fucking guilty to ask him to put up with this as well. I feel like I am a horrible wife because I'm not taking care of him the way that I should. In a successful marriage there is give and take, and he's doing all the giving and I'm doing all the taking." I shuddered in another sigh. "I'm worried that my sister is right and he will leave me because he can't put up with my whining and complaining any longer."

"When you say that you want the kids to remember you as someone who told a lot of jokes, does this mean that you are going somewhere?"

I tried to get control of my crying. "I figure I'm going to die soon. No one should have to put up with this pain and be forced to live. That's just cruel, and I don't think God is cruel like that."

"Do you want to die?" he said softly.

"I don't want to hurt any longer, Grant. I'm not sure how much more that I can take."

"Okay. We can fix this."

I looked at him with tears in my eyes.

"I wish you had told us of the pain that you were in earlier, and we could have started treating you earlier. I'll talk to Kai, but I suspect that he'll recommend another medication. The one that I am thinking of is seventy times more powerful than morphine, and we can see how you do on that. There are other options again that are more powerful than that which we can try if we have to."

"But I don't want to sleep all the time."

"I know, and at first it will make you sleep. After a few days, the side effects will likely wear off and you won't sleep as much." He stopped to let me think about that. "What was your reaction to morphine?"

"I thought it was the most powerful option that was out there."

Grant smiled. "This is why it is important to talk to us. After you took morphine, what would it take the pain level down to?"

"From a ten to about an eight."

"So that isn't good enough. That is barely taking away the pain."

"It was making the pain manageable so that I didn't feel like screaming in agony the same. Isn't that what it is supposed to do?"

"No. It is supposed to bring your pain down to a zero."

I sighed. "That seems like a dream."

"How do you feel now that the sedative has kicked in?"

"A bit more in control."

"Good. Kai augmented your antidepressant last night with another medication that is particularly good for anxiety and helps with pain management. When that kicks in you'll need the extra medication that I just gave you a little less. In the meantime, don't be afraid to ask for that extra help."

"Okay." I paused. "Grant? I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry as well. You've been living in agony and you didn't deserve it."

Kai walked into the room. He looked more relaxed than he had in a few days. His hair was still wet from the shower, and he smiled when he saw us.

"Feel better?" I said.

"Yes. I ran for an hour, and then I worked on the heavy bag for half an hour."

"Thank God."

"Pardon?" Kai looked taken aback.

Grant smiled. "Steph promised to be more open with us, to be honest with us and to talk more if we focus more on self-care. She said that we weren't taking care of ourselves enough, and she was worried about us. If we didn't practice self-care, she doesn't feel comfortable talking to us."

Kai sighed. "Okay, Steph, that's fair."

"I explained that talking to us is a method of practicing self-care, and I made a deal with her that if she practices self-care, so will we."

Kai smiled. "That's fair."

"I told her that for this to work, she has to talk to you, me and Eduardo, but I will not make her talk to anyone else. I promised that she could fake it with whomever else that she wants, and I would support that."

"I can live with that compromise", said Kai. "I will also remind you that Grant and I are doctors and Eduardo is a trained therapist. Not one of us will spill your secrets unless you give us prior consent."

I looked at the two men and assessed their veracity.

"Trust us", said Grant quietly.

Tears came to my eyes. "Okay", I said in a whisper.

Grant turned to Kai. "Morphine is only taking Steph's pain from a ten to an eight. I think you should start Steph on a stronger pain reliever. Also, she is suffering from some form of panic attack every hour, and the panic attacks often involve flashbacks."

"What is your pain level right now?" said Kai.

"It varies. A one for my lungs, a seven for both my right leg and the muscle tear, and a ten for my left leg."

"Okay, Steph. I am going to give you a stronger medication now so that we can see how it does. If it doesn't reduce the pain enough, there are other options that we can try."

"Okay."

Kai looked through the vials and bottles, until he found the one that he wanted. He filled a syringe and added it to my IV.

"Tell me about your flashbacks", said Kai.

"I get caught in the fire again, and I can feel the fire burning my feet at the same time as my abdomen is killing me. I can't breathe and my throat hurts and am terrified that I am going to die before I get Ben out of there."

"Steph, when you see Eduardo, I want you to talk to him about it. He will be able to give you some hints on things that you can do to help yourself cope with that. You can talk to Grant and me as well, but this is exactly Eduardo's training."

My breathing sped up slightly. The sedative was still working, and it stopped me from sliding into a panic attack. Even so, Kai and Grant knew that I was in trouble. "Count breaths", said Grant as he put his hand on my diaphragm. "Count to ten and then start again, one on the inhale and two on the exhale and so on. If you forget where you are, it's okay. Start at one again. Concentrate on the numbers, Steph." I concentrated on the numbers, and minutes later was asleep.